Good morning! Resolutions in place should have started over a week ago, so I felt I could share my what I managed to do. For years, I kept my resolution to never make another New Years Resolution. I did quite well when it is something that is quite easy to do. To me, resolutions were just something you end up breaking after a week or two because even if the intentions were sincere, we all seem to be wired to fail. I have no doubt that there are some people that have a strong enough resolve to follow through, but when it comes to me.... I am a major failure in progress; the saboteur of my goals.
While I have tried feverishly to avoid mentioning anything about my struggles with weight loss and my desire to shed this "fat suit" that I have donned for years. Well, today is going to be a day of breaking that promise, and sadly breaking my "never to make another resolution"-resolution from roughly 5 years back. I decided that it is time to face the music and own up to making a resolution this year. Sadly, at the rate that this journey has been.... it will probably be my resolution for the next couple of years until I finally get there. Yep, I am resolving to get to what I see is my goal weight.... Getting to the level of what the AMA sees as the ideal weight according to the BMI calculations from my height and gender is a one way ticket to becoming anorexic. Really, who thought that nonsense up that you have to be a certain weight to be considered healthy? Shouldn't it be more important to pay attention to other factors than height and gender -- like, bone structure, muscle mass, and bone density? Why does everything have to come down to a number; a number on the scale and a certain size? Also, what makes them (the medical world) think that looking anorexic is actually healthy? I guess they never thought much about what the insides of a person should weigh because if I was to hit that weight, I would be a layer of skin over a bone structure and possibly have most of my organs functioning. Also, what ticks me off is the concept of what is beautiful. Apparently, looking malnourished is all the rage when I do recall that back in the day, having curves was what was pretty.
Okay, okay... back to my intended resolution to release the skinny chick out of this fat suit. While my intentions are pure, I have the attention span of a gnat at getting there. Probably because I am emotional person. Emotions are what fuel me to do what I do. I write when I feel the need, I eat because I desire to survive, and sometimes I eat to fill a void that I have in my soul. What I choose to eat is never right, and with this journey that I have taken on Weight Watchers, I am struggling to conform. I have to keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be a lifestyle change, but I am seeing it as a diet, nonetheless. Whenever I hear the word 'diet', the first word that comes to mind is deprivation. Depriving myself of foods I love, eating things I loathe and exercising like mindless drone when I have better things to do. While some people live like this without much thought, I, on the other hand, do not.
Thinking that Weight Watchers is my learning tool and that the eating plan/diet is something that can work just fine on its own, I have tried to let the eating do all the work. I know that I have to exercise more, but I figured that I am active enough. Obviously, I thought wrong and now I have to muster up the desire to go to a place that I have loathed for years.... the gym. Eating right only got me to lose roughly 20 pounds and the past month has proven that this is as far as I can go unless I get up off my lazy backside and do something extra in my already filled day. I know that I can set aside a little time to do this, but in all honesty... I really am not all that interested in changing my scheduling to do so. A 20 pound loss should be something to celebrate, but when you have as much as I need to lose, it is not. What is more disheartening is that it took me since August to get to where I am now.... 5 months to lose 20 pounds? I am too impatient to accept this as a good thing. I just fear that my determination and that swift kick to my backside will result in me overdoing things and hurting myself in the process. I just hope that my resolve to get this 'diet' to work will hamper my desire to go completely overboard and cause more harm than good. I guess it is the right time to at least try.
I can only attest to my renewed sense of duty on this journey because after the celebratory season has finally come to a close (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and two birthday celebrations (DH & DD's) and I can finally really put 100% focus on me again. Well, that and the few pounds I gained over the past couple of weeks sure put a fire under my tush to change things up. Wish me luck, folks, and I apologize for the whining about my weight on this blog. I have another blog set up just for my weight loss journey and I have been slacking on writing there. Time to get my head back on straight and make 2012 the year that I can be proud of.
Thanks for reading :)
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