Ever been to the same doctor for 14 years and figured that they know enough about you, but still get asked questions that make it really hard to recall the exact moment it happened? Come on, people! I am lucky I remembered what I ate for dinner last night, but you think I have enough room in my memory banks to remember my first experience of anything and everything? I put those things out of my mind for a reason, ya know. I swear, the questionnaire at the Gynecologists office is possibly the most invasive tap into things that are never shared in mixed company. If you have not been blessed with this experience, let me clue you all in on the insanity that makes me question this medical field, as well as any others that we have managed to experience in our lifetime....
Going to your internist has questions like... family history, current concerns, and a required list of any current medications. I always wondered why they need to know when my last menstrual cycle was in that mix. It almost sounds like if they are curious if I enjoyed being bloated, suffering cramps and those oh-so-fun mood swings. If you would ask, I would tell you that if getting kicked in the gut is fun... then, I had a blast!
Going to the dentist has questions like the internist, but fortunately they do not ask about a monthly cycle. I believe they enjoy the completely helpless position we are in and try to carry a conversation with someone while getting your teeth drilled. Well, that and being that nagging voice in your head about dental floss.
Men and women have different annual physicals. In one angle of light, they are similar, but they really are not. Internists, do more for men than women in the arena of a physical. They get a little grab below the waist with the command to turn your head and cough, while women are sent from one specialist to another. Here is our short list of specialists.... A Gynecologist and a Mammogram specialist. Two places women dread, but go willingly because we have to in order to remain healthy. The Gynecologist is the most invasive experience where the patient is awake and alert. Then in a nice close second is the Mammogram technician. Remember, these are the specialists that we deal with most and I am not even tapping into the wonderful world of Colon Specialists that scope where nobody can or should ever see... just the ones that scrape the surface of feeling violated. Their questions before getting anything done sound like soft core porn questions for Hustler magazine. They just do not ask what your hobbies are or what your "ideal date" would be. Questions about when you have your "monthly cycle", how long did it last, when was your first sexual encounter, and how many encounters you have had in your lifetime with different people. Talk about tapping into what women prefer to remove from their memory banks. Too few encounters with even fewer people makes you look like a prude, too many makes you look like a slut, but after 'owning up' to your sexual appetite makes you question things like if you are repulsive, desirable or easy. Talk about a major confidence crusher. Either end result makes a woman think. Makes me wonder why they ask every year when it is that time to get your physical... Is it to see if you are sticking to your story from year to year? Or is it just sick curiosity to compare notes on what is considered average? The doctor's assistant had the gall to ask me if I have an active sex life... I told her that it is none of her business. I guarantee you... men do not get these questions when it is time for their physical. If that was the case, then men would be puffing out their chests and holding their head up high after getting their "turn your head and cough" experience because the more you have... the bigger player you are. Of course, the embarrassment does not stop at the questionnaire for us ladies... We are placed in a completely uncomfortable and vulnerable position to be checked.... and we get to do something similar again at a later date.... A mammogram.
Yep, that evil devise that offers the nipple pinch that sucks the wind out of any woman's lungs. That evil woman-hating mastermind created a devise that squishes a woman's breast tissue to the thinness of a piece of paper. Simple procedure, yet so embarrassing..... Place your chest between these two plates and have a complete stranger fiddle with the placement to have this machine clamp down so hard that the natural response is to try to pull away while being told to hold your breath so you do not make the image 'fuzzy'. Breathing is not an option if the pain literally sucks the will to breathe out of you... and you get to do this not once, or twice.... you get to do this 3 times a side. men, just get one good grab, women get a total of 6. And while you get to pose for this torture chamber, you also get to twist in ways that even Gumby has an issue with because "proper placement is key". After having this embarrassment in front of a complete stranger should have the scaring ability to remain with you until you die, you get to do this again next year.... Oh joy!
I even recall when I gave birth to my darling daughter. The idea of privacy no longer applies when you are checked in a place you cannot see without the aid of a well positioned mirror by strangers at random times while in labor. Of course, go into labor right when a young, good looking paramedic needs to witness what child birth is all about and you would want to cover your head with the blanket until it is all over. Fortunately, I never saw the hunky paramedic ever again, but if I did.... I would definitely would not want to be remembered by the visual of where a baby comes out of. Childbirth is supposed to be a beautiful thing, but not from my angle of perception.
So correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't it sound like women get the raw end of the deal when it comes to physicals? What did we do to deserve this? Now, off to consider having a beer to drown down the embarrassed feeling I am having.....
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