Still reeling from my most recent form letter of rejection for a job that I applied for more than once, I get another smack in the face... and another... and another...
Reality hit hard for me today, and as I ponder the idea of pulling out a beer at 9:00 this morning to numb the frustration and stress that I have been hoarding... I decided to write about it first and see where this takes me.
Trying to find a job that DH has requested for me to do for the past 3 years has been a snowball of misery, stress, and frustration. My damn determination to allow DH to make up my mind for me for the sheer sense of appeasing him has put me in a position that can be described as... screwed. I own nothing, but I have my name on a mortgage to his house. My car, albeit something I was glad to get rid of, was replaced with a vehicle that its title is in his name. My career path was diverted and I willingly agreed to be a full time mother and housewife when DD was born. I have cooked, cleaned, ran errands, raised our child, and bowed down to making my dear husband (DH) my only source of support. Now, with the current economy and job market in limbo... I was asked to find a second job because my love of being a hairdresser does not make enough to support anyone. As I try to find a job that offers a more guaranteed, yet stable income while keeping the hairdressing job that I love and maintain the home/family that has been placed in my care since there is no possible teamwork here... I am losing more than my hair... I am losing my mind, too. You see, trade school does not open the door to opportunity outside the the realm of what you have been trained to do. Makes it really hard to find a job that is not in hairdressing since it is no longer an adventurous job market. Employers no longer "take a chance" and offer entry level jobs to those willing to learn a new trade. While I have been trying to get my foot back in the job market after being out of it for such a long time... rejection is becoming more commonplace.
While I am reeling from the last rejection letter which was written in such a nice way, the sting of failure yet again hits hard. The disappointment in DH's face tells me that he is nearing his last straw. DD, that beautiful and smart child, just handed me a paper this morning from her teachers that inform me that her GPA has dropped, yet again. As I try to remain calm, I had a short talk with her. Her ability to spring these things on me with virtually no time to react is her specialty. I sign the little piece of paper, stating that I saw this, and hand it back to her to return to school. I know that as a child gets older, they are required to be responsible for their efforts, thus the grade he/she earns. While I know that she can do better, I ask for a reason why her grades are slipping at such a fast rate. She cannot give me an answer and her only reply was, "I don't know". As she knows that is not an answer I want to hear, I proceed to tell her that after school she is getting a long talk about what we need to change in order to make a marked improvement when it comes to her academic career. She is not gonna like what I am thinking should be done and it will go against what her teachers requested back at parent orientation when school started. I have to get involved where I should not be. While it is the teacher's job to teach, it is my responsibility to apparently pick up the slack.
I do not recall using a calculator to do math, nor did I have it a requirement to use a computer for homework assignments. While whiteboards are all the rage these days in the world of teaching, I feel that the current teaching curriculum is lacking actual learning something to its fullest. As I see DD bring home her homework and how there is zero fluidity to what is being taught. All of these little snip-its of various areas of learning is not preparing our children for their future. When you see an assignment one day for fractions and the next day for geometric shapes/angles... It shows to me that the attention to detail is far from where it should be. As teachers claim that children are prone to ADD or ADHD tendencies, it seems that the educational system is portraying the worst of scenarios with less than thorough teachings. The jump from subject matter to subject matter has me concerned that our children are lacking actual understanding to what needs to be learned. While teachers and the teaching community believe that variety like this stimulates the young mind into advanced learning well beyond what I had as a child, I see this as a road to relying upon machines to do the work instead of the reward of effort placed. As I tried to conform to what is expected from being a parent, I feel that I was set up to be an epic failure. In fact, the path that I was led to guaranteed me that I would become an epic failure.
As I try to help my struggling child conform to less than adequate practices, I see that I have the same issues. I just fail to understand how society has allowed for mistakes like this to happen. I recall a statement that was given to me when I was is beauty school.... "You are the maker of your own destiny. The wealth you earn from knowledge and the money you earn are the result from your efforts." I just wonder if this person saw into the future at how the events in life, the people in life, and choices we have can hold no water if these are things you cannot control... no matter how hard you try. Is it based upon faith that God gives you only what you need to learn or need and nothing more? Is it possible that the efforts from surrounding forces of others that push you down no matter which path you take? Is conformity necessary to get to where you desire to be? As I have tried my hardest to adapt and accept what has been placed before me, I have tried to remain truthful to who I am and I still fail. Is my fate, as well as DD's and DH's, in the hands of another because we refuse to be rule breakers? Is it possible that being honest and truthful to who you are the deciding factor that you will never fit in or succeed? Is DH's determination to throw me back to the wolves of a rigid job market a lesson that my conformity to his demands destroyed my chances of being part of something bigger? Is DD's GPA slipping because of the lack of fluidity in its teaching practices or is the demand of the digital age destroying the feeling of personal accomplishment? Maybe it is because she is not actually being graded upon her academic accomplishments but is being graded solely upon feelings toward her. There is a sense of feeling a teacher has of a student that pushes a grade level. Not everything is truly graded upon the end result, but the effort placed, which does include feelings. Is DH's feeling of failure come from allowing others to decide the fate of his career or is it from my failed attempts of being able to step up? What one sees as possible, another can see as not an option. Perceptions do carry weight.
As I read recently, the local school district we live in is taking another hit to its budget. The chopping board is in place. It has been mentioned that music, art, and physical education are on the verge of being cut. While I know that there are benefits to a well rounded education, I see the contradiction in how mismanagement of funds, the increased cost for supplies, the demands for salary increases for teachers, the need to have health care, and the costs of maintaining an institution of education can place a financial burden, but it is upsetting that the only solution to this is to cut and trim out what benefits the children. Bigger classrooms, less teacher to student ratio, educational demands that offer no fluidity of learning, and now less electives. These poor children are being set up for failure well before stepping foot in school. I just wonder how a parent that believed they were doing the right thing allows their child to miss out on the wonders of a good education if the good education is being stripped down to the basic parts that make virtually no sense.
I wonder if my determination to do things differently than my parents has created a path of disappointment and despair. I do recall being disappointed as a child, but not at the level that I feel as an adult. Is this what growing up is supposed to be? Feeling like every moral and ethical thing we were taught being wrong? I am willing to put in the hard work, but denied the chance? I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this? Should I even try? If the end result will never be where it needs to be... is it worth trying anyway?
Sigh... I just don't know if I have any more energy to try anymore...
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