Morning! Still a bit in a downer of a phase, but getting some release by blogging. I guess there is an up side to raw honesty that I share. Sadly, not all that is shared is as raw as it could be. I just can't seem to get over that hump when it comes to writing. I tried once to share my perception about a misunderstanding and got slammed for trying to share. I even tried to explain my thought process and other variables of the event to turn the tables in such a way that nobody is to blame. In fact, I try to take the blame on my shoulders.
Yesterday's blog was my attempt to release my less than happy attitude about the build up of resentment in who I am and acknowledge that I am lacking self-love because I place higher regard to being loved by others. I am a tightly wound person that is sensitive to reacting. No, it is not to the level of over reacting, but I can feel that it is getting pretty close to becoming that. My surroundings make me more susceptible to reactionary responses that are normally not deemed as desirable. People want happy attitude and happy reactions that seem to almost border upon becoming crazy and in need of a straitjacket. I just can't seem to pull off that kind of crazy. I will cry when I see those sappy Kleenex commercials. Well, anything considered sappy, nice or considerate at a high level. Opening the door for me or pulling out my chair will not let the waterworks flow, but getting a random nice gesture or compliment just might get a tear to try to form in my eye. As for being a "sponge" to my surroundings and other people... well, I am apt to matching their emotion pretty well. You share an angry moment and I will most likely be angry with you.... Share a sad moment and I will be sad with you.
Being married should put you more "in tune" with the "significant others" feelings. I do try to be the "ying" to his "yang", but it is really hard to do that if you refuse to be open about your feelings. In fact, I know from previous experience that DH does prefer to keep things to himself a lot that could cause discomfort towards others.... Especially feelings of stress and fear. Sadly, he is really bad at hiding those feelings because I have managed to pick up that something is not right. As I am not sure what the actual culprit is in why he is being so distant in a nonchalant way. It seems to border on not really caring about anything, including me. I guess that is where I feel undesired and ugly. He built some invisible wall and feels compelled to keep me in the dark. What nailed the concept home for me is seeing a recent picture of me and seeing that I look even fatter than I did in a month, but I can still fit in my clothes, In fact, I became overly critical and came to the conclusion (without fact) that his being distant is the direct result that I am unattractive. Not knowing all the facts makes me assume the worst because that is easier to accept.
Somehow, sharing this made me realize that my past does come to haunt me on a regular basis. It is really about past relationships that shape us into what we hated. Think about it.... We manage to turn the tables and never really notice that we have a tendency to become what was wrong in the next relationship. Interesting thing, it does not necessarily always happen in order from most recent to least recent. It becomes a mix of all little things that relate to one another that twist and turn into something that is of our own design. I have dated quite a few people in my past. Some were nice, but some were not so nice. There were some aspects in past relationships that I told myself that I would never see myself having a successful relationship with and did the best that I could to avoid those attributes at all costs. One prevalent aspect was being with a person that was "clingy" or overly critical. I love having my personal space not being violated. I wanted to be an individual that was part of a couple. You did not need to hold my hand all the time, public displays of affection was not my cup'o tea, and couples need to be able to do things separately from time to time. Little did I know that I am desiring that smothering attention I hated in my past. I remember being engaged briefly to a control freak and ran because I hated being controlled, but somehow have become the control freak in my own right with how things are ran in my home.... See my point? Chances are, if you look deep in your past and remember all those "failed" relationships from aspects that were considered undesirable, you will see where you have taken ownership of those attributes, but custom made just for you.
I feel better figuring this little annoyance out, but how does a person really remove those custom made undesirable traits that were accumulated over years of bad relationships that you never wanted in the first place. I guess acknowledging them is the start, but how do you remove what has become part of who you are now? I guess that is a journey best taken alone....
Thanks for reading :)
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