This is just not fair!!!!!

Life is hard.  I get it.  I believe I have a PhD in dealing with difficult things.  Difficult people seems to be my major case study.  I have tried to reason with difficult people... toxic people.  My level of compassion for other people seems to be what is breaking me down bit by bit.  I used to blog regularly about my thoughts until one day I was badgered to giving it up.  It is a battle inside my head if I should try again to blog my feelings, but when I was verbally attacked relentlessly to stop sharing my thoughts... I actually feel physically ill when I do decide to press the publish button and share to the world.  So, if today's blog does manage to get sent out to share.... it is because I finally found a little courage to do so.

As this is not a recent event, nor is it anyone at fault..... I have been pummeled emotionally to the point that I now have the panic attacks that I thought were under control back with a vengeance.  Between money, family, friends, work, and home..... my heart is actually hurting, and not in a figurative sense.  I had DD drive me to the doctor the other day because I seriously believed I was having a heart attack or stroke.  I couldn't form words as easily.  My legs, ankles and feet have been swollen to the point it feels like my skin is going to rip open.  I was shaking and the pain in my chest was going though to my back.  Breathing was getting really difficult and I was getting a little lightheaded.  With DH on his annual fishing trip, I am left with all the responsibility and very little help.  What DD offered was helpful, but how can I say that I am so broken that I can't even help myself.  This should not be a burden for a teenager that has her life ahead of her to deal with.  I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and go on.  I was the one to fix the problems and I just can't find the strength to fix mine.  So, I can say that this is all my own fault.  Hopefully, people understand.

While I would love to share what has been happening, I just can't.  I cannot handle the micromanaged scrutiny of what I feel because someone would just tell me to walk the hell away from what is not offering me a positive effect in my life.  Makes it really hard to walk away when everyone and everything is hurting me more and more.  Even people who are trying to help.  My blow up at my mom yesterday was proof of that.  I feel awful for snapping at her.  I left work right after doing her hair and took what I hoped was going to be a mental health day, only to be barraged with text messages with what I see are complaints in my eyes.  Every time my phone notified me that I had yet another text message (and some came in groups of 5 to 10 messages), I started to shake and cry.  I asked for peace and was not allowed to have it.  Then, when I did finally cry myself to sleep on my couch.... I got a 3 message blast from my boss and a parting mention that she will be talking to me in the morning and that she was sorry if she woke me up.  Well, that was an understatement because the shaking got even worse and I cried until almost 3:00 this morning, and was startled awake with my cell phone telling me I got another pair of text messages.  Then, I was hit with about 12 messages back to back with a mention that there is more they felt they needed to tell me and as I tried to diffuse the situation going on with me and this person..... I now feel even more guilty for trying to have them wait until they see me later today.

While DH is getting some R & R with his fishing trip..... I am going into work on days that I have off  to accommodate client demands and it is not like I have had a busy week to warrant needing to go in on my days off.  I am behind on my housework and DH will be back in a couple days and I am so overwhelmed that I can't start to make a dent in the housework.  I really did not want to hear DH's disappointment when he gets home to a dirty house and no laundry washed, but it appears that if I can't get a moment to just get my panic attacks under control.... it will happen.  Heck, his stress level was high when he left for his trip and blew up at me the night prior because I was not getting enough things done at the house.

Now, as I look at the clock on my computer.... it is almost time to go in and deal with all the text messages.  My jaw is locking up, my throat is feeling like it is closing off, my shoulders are hurting, and the bile is rising in my stomach to nauseating levels.  Would I like to not just go into work today?  You betcha!  Will I stay home and call in sick?  No.  I have responsibilities that I need to take care of.  I have to take another Xanax to keep what strength I have left to leave the house....

Here's to hoping that if anyone reads this, that they can have a little compassion for those that silently suffer, but fight to keep going.