Just some stuff to share....

Of course, this is a late blog.... been a little busy lately and with the lack of a computer for almost a week, I hope you all understand.

While I am a slave to the computer age, I got a taste of life without that darn machine and it felt..... odd.  Between my usual stuff that I do on this crazy machine (checking e-mails, popping onto Facebook to see what my friends are up to and play a game or two along with my occasional blogging), it sure felt like something was missing in my day.  Fortunately, I went to the library and grabbed a few books to fill the time.  Between books and housework...  I managed to keep myself entertained.  Since this is the third repair on this computer, I have made the executive decision that I need to become a little more computer savvy.  I had a little scare once I got my computer back just the other day.  My lack of computer knowledge had me in a tizzy when all of my important documents, pictures and videos were wiped from my computer AGAIN.  Apparently, when you manage to fry a hard drive, you can lose everything you had.  Luckily, I had an external hard drive that I did my backups on, so I felt reasonably sure that I lost nothing.....  WRONG!  Between my second and third time getting this computer fixed, I had changed my running system from Windows Vista to Windows 7.  Definitely NOT compatible when it comes to recovering all of my backed up stuff.  Frustrated beyond belief, I had to change my running system AGAIN, but this time I have the hard copy disc and product key for the future.  So.... long story short.... I bought the Windows 8 program, loaded it and I happen to be very slowly learning all the new stuff.  I still have programs that I need to reload, like Microsoft Office and I need to eventually seek out a different virus protection program.  Apparently, what I had does not work with my new program.  I did manage to get the tech department where I got my computer fixed to recover the really important stuff, but it will take extra steps to access it.  Not thrilled about it, but once I learn more about Windows 8, I will be able to get things running normally again.  Not saying that it is not running normally, but I am flying blind trying to figure stuff out.  Quite frustrating to say the least.  I think I need to consider saving the really important stuff on flash drives and not bother with relying upon an external hard drive that I back up on.  I just need to find the time to do just that.....  Yeah, right ;)

Beyond my computer giving me a migraine, I had a little chat with DH.  Of course, it took some "liquid courage" to let my thoughts fly out of my mouth.  Apparently, his mind is too clogged with deeply seeded fear and stress to acknowledge my needs.  I at least got to say my peace about my feelings and that in itself is progress.  I just hope that he can look beyond his blinded views and thank his lucky stars that I am too stubborn and bull-headed to let his detached behavior affect me too much.  Of course, understanding where his thoughts are focused on does not fix the problems that we have.  It is like an alcoholic acknowledging there is a problem, but refuses to do anything about it.  I have tried for far too long to keep trying.  It is up to him to do something about it, but I am not going to hold my breath or get upset like I used to.  If he does something.... great, but if he continues to not bother trying...  I am not going to get bent about it anymore.  It is a total waste of energy on my part.  I have been finding solace in reading books, albeit romance novels, and I have to giggle at how it has managed to balance me.  While reading stories of fictional characters getting their "happily ever after" does not make me blissfully happy, but it controlled my tendencies to get fully enraged at little things and I have not been crying myself to sleep over what my life is lacking.  I think I have become a little indifferent about things.  My apparent new thought word is "whatever" when things do not go my way.  DH forgets to get me a card for our anniversary?... "whatever" with a shrug is my response.  Heck, Sweetest Day (yep a Hallmark reason to celebrate "love") came and went with nothing exchanged.  While the girls at work got roses, cards and candy or a romantic dinner from their loved one....  I got nothing and really did not care.  No tears, no anger, no reaction whatsoever....  just a shrug and a "whatever".  It is actually kind of nice to not get emotional over stuff like that.  That extremely lowered level of expectation is a wonderful thing.  Makes living even a little more stress free and leaves more room to think about other stuff.  Not sure if it is healthy to stop caring about the little stuff when it is known that little things are a part of a bigger thing.  I wonder if it is at all possible that a person can stop caring about everything if they let it get out of hand.  Little things do add up, you know.  Doubtful that I could hit that point, but I am keeping a watchful eye anyway.

Well, I have yet another full day to get my computer back to some semblance of normal.  If I cannot get it done tomorrow, the nice tech guys that fixed my computer will help me out to have things running like a champ.  I just have to get the other stuff I have to do done first.  Grocery shopping with the family, pop into work for a little while for a client, and get some housework done.  Chances are, I'll have my OCD over leaf cleanup fill my day tomorrow and forget to work on this darned machine.

Sending a message to the Heavens above.....

"There are good days and there are bad bays...  I just have to take them in stride.  I know what is going to happen.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I tried.  It is just God's decision that it is time and I am okay with that."  The weary voice of my friend and co-worker said to me during our last phone conversation just a couple of weeks ago.  The anger I had when I heard those words from her still slam me in the chest like a blow with a baseball bat.  Anger that people I care about having to die and expecting to embrace it.  I know that people cannot live forever, but why does it have to be so hard?

The difficulties of dealing with loss.....

I have seen my fair share of death.  I have attended memorial services, wakes, and funerals.  Every one of them a difficult thing to endure.  Seeing the pain in the eyes of those left behind to pick up the pieces and try to move forward.  The loss of friends, family, and family of friends is difficult.  Even more difficult is what to say to those left behind.  Just saying, "I'm sorry for your loss", seems so generic and impersonal.  Heck, it is obvious that we are sorry to see people in pain.  Even sharing something that is supposed to ease the pain seems to take on the appearance of an emotionless band-aid.  The understanding is there... it just cannot be explained in a way that actually helps ease the initial blow of loss.

When my father passed away 11 years ago, I was in denial.  The person I saw in the coffin did not look like my father... he was so thin.  I remember being angry then, too.  Angry that he left me, my mom and my family too soon, but I knew when I last saw him alive that it was going to happen.  The shock of knowing that I saw my dad a mere 8 hours before he passed away alone in a hospital room hit me like a plane crashing on my head.  I was mad at God, I was mad at myself, and I hated the feeling.  There was nothing that could bring me comfort except that short period that I was in denial.  That is, until I went to the cemetery and saw that his headstone was delivered.  I landed on my knees and cried hard.  The day following seeing my father's headstone, I went to see the priest at my church and had a real heart-to-heart talk about my anger at God for taking my daddy away from me.  That confession of my feelings face-to-face was a challenge, but once I did it.... I started to feel a little better.  The days that followed were quiet and reflective, but healing at the same time.  I still think of my dad often and the crying is less.  The pain is dull, but still there.  I miss my dad.

When DH's grandmother passed away almost a year before DH and I got married, I went through a similar thing.  DH's grandmother was the first and probably the only family member that embraced me into the family fold.  My grandparents passed away when I was quite young and she took me under her wing and let me call her grandma.  A real spitfire of a woman that became a fierce friend to me.  When she passed, I was devastated.  The hardest hit was being stopped by DH's cousins and other family members with comments about how highly DH's grandmother spoke of me.  I barely knew anyone there and people walked up to talk to me like they knew me.  Of course, they did know me... through her.  She was one phenomenal woman and her name lives on when I named DD.  I named her after two of the most influential women in my life....  DH's grandma and my mom.  I sure do miss that woman's spunk.

There have been other people that have managed to touch me in a way that they will always be remembered.  While I happen to remember each one in their own special way, I do mention them in prayer.  As I have learned over the years that prayer not only offers help when asked, it is also a way to communicate to those that passed on and offer peace in my soul to heal.  I will admit that I have not been an avid praying person over the years, but when I do.... I always think of others first.  Even those that passed on.

Just recently, in fact, this morning, I popped onto Facebook to see what is going on and play a game or two before I face my morning.  Sometimes I just blog, but nonetheless I make a stop on the social network from time to time.  Well, this morning, I saw a posting from a fellow co-worker about the recent death of another co-worker.  The one that I have blogged about that was fighting stage 4 abdominal cancer.  This woman was more generous than any person I have ever known.  She made it her purpose in life to make every girl at work feel special through some extremely delicious food.  While I know it is terrible to the idea of losing weight and being on a diet.... we all appreciated her efforts and ate everything she made graciously.  She loved to bake and always made special treats for our birthdays.  Sadly, she fell ill before my birthday came along, but she did give me homemade stuffed shells as a thank you for something I did for her.  Those were the best stuffed shells I ever had and she got me interested in making pasta sauce from scratch.  Always with a recipe of what she made, I admired her for her talents.  Well, she was fighting the good fight a while back.  She went through a very extensive surgery to remove all the cancer and got a clean bill of health.  It was to take her at least a year to heal, but hearing that she was in the clear meant a lot to me.  Then about a couple of weeks ago, I got some devastating news... the cancer came back.  She was still healing from the surgery and it came back.  There was nothing that the doctors could do, but agree to her wishes to live out the rest of her life (no matter how short it would be), as peaceful as possible.  I called her and talked for at least a good 45 minutes.  Her tired voice being hidden with excitement to talk with me for a while touched my heart.  I shared my feelings and let her know of my anger that she was fighting again so soon after getting her clean bill of health. She assured me that she is okay with everything and that it was time to let God take her home.  She was tired of fighting and knew it was her time.  I wanted to visit her one more time before she left, but I have been fighting my allergies and possibly a mild cold at the time and did not want to get her sick in her already weakened state.  She understood, but it still hurts me that I could not see her one more time.  God took yet another great person that touched me deeply.  I pray that the pain is gone and that she could finally rest in peace.  I said a little prayer for her this morning that I am thinking of her and wishing her a safe journey to Heaven to watch over all that she cared about.  I have to take comfort that she embraced this, but it is just too soon to do that.  I plan on going to whatever services her family chooses out of respect for the woman and to hopefully support her family in their time of need.  I just do not know what to say to her family because I feel that offering condolences is just not enough....

Sad, sad day for me.  Well, on to face the day.  Thanks for reading....

When enough is enough.....

Vote for this guy and not that guy....  look at his track record and tell me -- is this the change we were looking for?.... ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

I just can't wait for the presidential election to finally be over with!!  I understand that this is an important election, but really.....  does it need to be shoved down the throats of every person willing to breathe independently??  What we have been going through these past 4 years is testament that people are aware that it is no longer acceptable to turn a blind eye on our nation's issues.  No longer is it acceptable to sit quietly and let more stupidity slip through the cracks when it comes to voting, yet accept the position that we have been put in through poorly thought out plans and back door deals.  Socialist, Communist, Industrialist.... it no longer matters.  Conservative, Liberal, Radical....  the lines are too blurred to hold true to the definitions.  What we see is what we get.... a clusterfu*k of destruction and despair that started off as a small snowball and has grown to mass proportions.  Believe me.... I understand all too well what is going on.  Does voting really make a difference?  Sure, but it does not guarantee the results we believed would happen.

For the first time in over a month, I watched the news instead of reading it and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach has returned with a vengeance.  I did watch the debates, but avoided the commentary that followed.  I see that the mainstream media is doing a bang-up job creating mass hysterics with the strongest of opinionated people around.  The current political officials are blaming their predecessors for the mess that we are in and going against every campaign promise they made to get elected to take the easy way out.  In all honesty, politics are a blemish that never clears up with honesty to get elected.  

Just this morning, I watched yet another report about our current county board president is planning on raising the taxes on things that just had a raise in taxes on.  A dollar here, a dollar there, a new ownership sticker with a hefty price tag on it is really not the solution to the deficit problem our state has... yet alone the individual county within the state.  The solution is to stop hemorrhaging tax dollars on programs that cost more than necessary and really offer no redeeming quality.  Innocent, hard working people are being punished for their efforts because they can.  To me... that is sooooooo wrong!  

As our current president claims that every person should be entitled to equality when it comes to life, I see that comment being reasonable, but at what cost does it really need to be when there are perfectly able and capable people abusing the system?  This needs to change!!!  Hey!  I am all for giving people a break.... heck, I am looking for one myself, but where is the pride to stop taking from others and actually do something about it?  I have seen generations of people take advantage of the system and have zero remorse for the strain it causes to those required to contribute to keep those programs alive.  I hear from so many people about how greedy everyone else is, but not admit that they are just as greedy.  Fingers get pointed, but nobody is willing to make the necessary changes to shock the system (or the people abusing it) to take control of their own lives and stop suckling off the teet that is supposed to be a hand up instead of looking at it as a hand out.  The system is broken and will remain broken until someone with the strongest of convictions can convince other elected officials that it has to stop.... that the breaking point is here and to say without remorse that enough is enough!

Are we going to see this change we so desperately need?  Nope.  Regardless of whom gets elected, they will face the same challenges that their predecessors faced....  too many different opinions arguing over what the people need.  While I would like to hope that things will change, I do not see it.  I am not seeing politicians as liars, but I do see them as lazy solution seekers.... raise the taxes!  that is what we need.... more money taken away from those merely surviving and support those that gave up on trying!  give them free healthcare, but hire uneducated penny pinching people to decide your fate when it comes to approving what they are willing to spend for your care.... who cares?  it is FREE after all, right?  since the senior citizens are knocking on death's door, lets limit their care, too....  nobody gets out of life alive, right?  heck, why make people work?  our pride is too high to actually roll up our sleeves and do the work....  make it mandatory for a college degree to get a job that pays enough to live here and ship all that work overseas since it is cheaper...  who cares that the items we use are poorly constructed?  since it is so cheap, just go and buy a newer one since what you bought is no longer current and all the craze...  on a local level, we can tax the bejeezus out of those small self-chosen vices people have like drinking or smoking or bullets that we want to outlaw for those hefty raises we want so life is far easier for us...  since Illinois is a toll booth state, lets increase the tolls and use only a small portion to repair the roads with cheap materials that need to be replaced every 2-3 years...  well, hells-bells with the population growing so fast from those that use the government sanctioned programs that refuse to hold down a job (they have nothing better to do than make babies for us to support), lets genetically enhance the food they eat with chemicals so nobody starves, but slam the organic farmers with conditions to make their goods too expensive to consume...  we have a country full of lab-rats, the tax dollars just burning a hole in our proverbial pockets and nothing better to do....  global warming?  HA!  we have plenty of time to screw with that!  we have a military to send out to fight battles elsewhere that don't appreciate out help and once we bomb the shit out of it, we can rebuild it for them, give them work from the businesses that can get cheap labor over there while killing off our own wealth....  wealth, you ask?  HA!  we are broke, but as long as everyone else likes us we can keep bowing down to kiss behinds...  Obama, the smooth-talking president has apologized for running a strong country into the ground to everyone else, but to the people he is to represent...  gotta love a humanitarian president that is left over from the flower-power days of free love and mooching off others...  American dream??  HA!  That is a figment of your imagination!! 

Oh the list can go on and on.... I have heard it all.  Complaints about our current situation, fears about our future, and opinions-a-plenty about what needs to be done and who they believe is best suited for the job.  I have even jumped on the bandwagon, but even I have hit my limit.  Yes, I am disappointed in the present, I am fearful of the future, and I am looking forward to something changing for the better sooner rather than later.  I just can't wait for election time to pass....  I am tired of hearing, reading or seeing the same crap over and over again.  I actually miss people bitching about the weather on Facebook...LOL.  We need a change in topic and that won't change until after the election.  Well....  that depends on who gets elected, I guess, right?  Okay, time to get off my soapbox and face another day.  Thanks for reading!

OMG... TMI.... I am so not ready for this!!!!

Okay, okay...  I know... probably a little dramatic of a title today, but when you get that uncomfortable feeling in your gut from information given, no matter how innocent it appears to be, you just might wish things were easier to handle.  Yesterday was the day that formed today's blog....

DD comes home from school and proceeds to do her usual stuff.  She makes herself a snack, pours herself something to drink and takes a moment to decompress from a long day at school.  In all honesty....  I now miss the days of going to school...  Life was much simpler once you look back and realize being a kid was GREAT!  No bills to pay, no checkbook to balance, no fretting over money, no concerns about how the rise in taxes was going to put a major dent in the pocketbook....  Just simple.  Of course, what we dealt with in our youth was a big thing... just not as life shattering as we believe today.  Making friends, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, getting good grades, fitting in with the "in" crowd....  Important, but not life-or-death important.

Well, as the late afternoon progressed, I started making dinner for the family.  Probably one of the favorites that never leaves leftovers for DH the next day.....  Marinated flank steak, garlic mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and sauteed mushrooms with garlic for DD and I (since DH REFUSES to even eat a mushroom).  When dinner was just about finished, DD offers to help and realizes that she is too late.  Her dramatic act of feeling bad that she missed in the ritual of making dinner made me laugh, and she smiles at her achievement to see a smile come across my face.  While I was slicing the steak, DD asked me a question....

"Mom, do you think I will ever have a boyfriend?"

My stomach dropped, my head started spinning, and I chose my words VERY carefully....  "Of course you will.  You are a very pretty girl and I have no doubt that some boy is going to ask you to go out with him on a date or even ask if you would like to be his girlfriend.  Just don't rush this need to have a boyfriend.  School is important and you should focus on that and not seeing if you can get a boyfriend.  If it happens... it happens.  Why do you ask?"

"Would you be upset if I told you that I think I have a boyfriend?"

OOF!  Kick to the stomach!  I know where this is going....  I am curious and scared to know so I ask...  "How do you think you have a boyfriend?  Is this that Tom character I have heard about?  Did he ask you to be his boyfriend?  And when did this happen?"

DD proceeds to tell me that the night of the dance, the boy that told her that he has a crush on her asked if she would like to be his boyfriend and she said yes.  The share a fair number of classes together and he walks her to class.  He chooses to sit next to her at lunch and his friends are really nice to her.  He plays football, has blonde hair and blue eyes, and is really nice to her.  The look on my face was sheer fear when I asked more pointed questions like... if he kissed her or made plans on seeing her outside of school.  Her reply was only that he likes to spend time with her as much as possible at school and they only hugged a few times.  The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grew, the thoughts spinning in my head increased to a point that I was feeling dizzy, but I kept my focus on the fact that DD is being open with me.  I have been striving for open communication between my daughter and me.  Honesty is what I want from her.  I remember keeping secrets from my mom and learned rather quickly that I should not have because there were things I would have rather had her help in compared to finding a solution on my own.  This goal of changing the mother-daughter dynamic was my doing and now I am scared to what I will learn.  Probably because I am aware of what happens and I am so not ready to deal with it.  I have no choice, but to be ready.  Fortunately, she did share this much.  She could have not told me a thing, ya know?  Heck, her father does not know!  She only told me!!

I look at my little girl and see my baby getting all grown up, but I secretly wished that she would not grow up too much and so fast.  Just knowing that the drama of the teenage years is looming overhead is going to be difficult.  I thought I was ready for this and now I am not so sure.  I know that I cannot place her in a locked closet until I feel more comfortable with the notion that she will be dating boys eventually.  The prude in me is already looking in the gutter over something as innocent as a hug and it makes me sick.  I am teetering on the notion to placing her in a convent so I can sleep at night, but I know that she is a smart kid.  I talk to her openly about things with hopes that she sees the lessons I learned and hope that she does not let my history repeat itself in her life's adventure.  She has been open with me and I hope she remains honest about everything.  She knows I would take a bullet for her, but I would like to at least get a heads up to when the shot is being fired.  Getting old makes it hard to be on my "A"-game.  My reflexes are not as quick as they used to be.  The sharp edge of my wit and sarcasm has dulled a bit over the years.  (Note to self: start hitting the gym ASAP!  I still have a good right hook, but I lack endurance).  I thought I was ready... I thought I had more time....  I am obviously not.  While I love my daughter dearly... I am now thinking that it would have been far easier on me if I had a son instead.  Less stress in my eyes.  Of course, I could be wrong.  UGH!  Time to pop another antacid and get this day going....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

Tales from the estrogen side....

I had a dream.... A strange dream....  I wrote a book and this was the title.  This book would have the stories of what women think as a guide for men to realize that their actions are rarely ever understood the way they intended.  It has always been known that there are is a level of truth found from one of the many facets of what people believe....  There is his side, her side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.  Sadly, what someone sees as fact is skewed from the individual perception of the situation.  Just the concept is something that had me wake up in a cold sweat.....  There is no way that I could muster the courage to write a conceptual work of literary art.

I see writing as an art form.  Just as a person can look at a painting or a sculpture, it is what a person gets from it.... a feeling formed.  I do envy artists, ya know.  They have no fear of judgement of their work.  Critique is encouraged.  People are free to feel whatever they choose to feel from their masterpiece and the artist is not bothered by being looked at under a critical eye that is different than their own.

I think what scares me into a cold sweat is how would I begin?  Well, there is far more that could frighten me into a shaking, sweating lump of flesh....  There is, of course, holding the attention of a reader for longer than a few pages is important, right?  Really, who would want to check out a book about a one-sided perceptual piece?  Heck, I have no attention span for a self-help genre of a book.....  No matter how educational it could be.  When I go to the library, I steer clear of non-fictional works.  I am not all that interested in reading about the famous that managed to write a biography.  I see that people have a life and I really lack the ability to brag about it in book form.  My life is not all that interesting to read.  I know I blog about things, but in all honesty.... I am no different than the next person.  I wake up every morning and complete the tasks that are placed before me to the best of my ability.  I deal with drama like the rest of the world as level-headed as I possibly can, and I have feelings like the rest of the world about what happens around me.  I just happen to have a knack to look a little deeper than most over what others see as trivial crap.  I try to look at potential outcomes that could happen when I happen to do something... well, anything when it comes to interaction with people.

Here is one recent example of what I mean.....

Just last week, I am at home, doing my usual stuff (cooking and cleaning).  I stopped to make myself a sandwich since it was lunch time.  At that same moment, DH comes home for lunch.  During the week, he comes home to reheat the previous night's leftovers for his lunch.  He has a routine of pulling out the food, place it in the microwave, grab his glass, pop an ice cube or two in and open the fridge again to get his home-brewed iced tea.  He shares what has happened at work that morning, and proceeds to woof down his heated lunch, swig down his tea, and announces that he going back to work.  There is very little interaction of my day or even thought of what I am up to.... he is the focus of the moment.  I really do not mind because there is really no interesting story to share over what I do when it comes to housework.  I have, in the past, mentioned what I have accomplished, but that sure does not hold for much of an interesting conversation.  Well, onward I shall go with this....  As DH opens the freezer for some ice, he loudly complains that there is no ice that is popped out of the ice tray and in the ice bin for easy access.  He slams the freezer door and announces that he is so tired of always making the ice that he will drink his tea warm.

Here is my thought process over his mini tantrum.....  Really, warm tea???  Apparently the fridge keeps his tea warm instead of cold... ugh! (smacking my hand on my forehead....  I never realized that a refrigerator keeps food warm!  I am shocked!!)  Since there is ice made in the tray, all that is needed to be done is to twist it to release the cubes and put it in the bin.  Then add some water to the empty tray and place it back in the freezer....  hmmm...  takes roughly a minute to do this....  what makes this such a daunting task?  FINE!  I will do it for you since it is such a difficult task to accomplish....

I walk over to the fridge and open the freezer door.  I popped the ice cubes from the tray, dropped the cubes in the ice bin, refilled the tray with water, placed the trays (we have 2 of them) back in the freezer, grabbed an ice cube (well, actually 2) and plopped it into his glass of tea.  I walked away without saying a word while my devious wheels are turning since his childish act has set me on edge.  The whining over something that takes virtually no effort and very little time is just as abrasive as nails on a chalkboard.  Then a smile comes across my face as I have an idea to avoid his perfect-pitch whining that makes me leap through flaming hoops to have him shut the hell up and be happy....  Apparently, the saying of "as long as she is happy.... I am happy", does not apply to my happiness....  I strive to make someone so proficient in being miserable into a happy person.....  I never really see any effort from him and rarely ever a "thank you" for my efforts.  I decided to focus on the problem.  Like how a man usually thinks when his woman decides to vent her feelings.... men seek out solutions.  They are the natural born fixers... well, most of them.  Not in my world... I am the fixer, apparently.  My solution?  As vindictive as it was.....  I was going to go to the store and buy the biggest bag of ready-made ice and stuff my freezer with it.  In fact, the thought of stuffing it to the point of it falling out once a person opens the door was what I wanted to aim for.  That should stop the whining for needing to lift a finger and actually be helpful for once.  He can have ice until Christmas for all that I care!!  My goodness!!  Just hearing that tone of his whining and my last patient nerve being frayed into something on the verge of snapping is making me cruel in my thoughts.  I am darn near cutting his meat at dinner because of his laziness!!  I am no longer married to a man, but a child that happens to have a full time job that pays the bills.  Well, I should look at him as the king of his domain and that the queen is just a peasant that fans his face while feeding him grapes (well when it comes to him, I would have to change the grapes into something like beer, cheese cubes or those little sausage pieces you can buy in a bag for $3 at Walgreens....  he refuses to eat fruit and avoids most vegetables, ya know).  I can only guess that since I have gotten the short end of the equality in marriage stick, I have become a bitter person.  If this is Karma kicking my backside.... I would like to know who I have wronged so I can make amends and get a break in life for once!!

Upon thinking about this.... you can see that I have very little material to share for something even being remotely close to what a book should have.  Just a bunch of short stories that offer no lesson actually being learned....  just perceptual pieces that shed light on the estrogen induced populous and how the actions (or even non-actions) of the testosterone induced population create the chasm of bitterness, drama, and misunderstandings.  You know....  understanding the feelings people get from expectations.  I would never want to place the spotlight on one side of the gender group in a bad light.  Not all men are terrible.  Some of my best friends happen to be men.  They give me a clearer perspective that make me more understanding to most of what and why men do what they do.  I find it interesting that both men and women do have a vested interest in understanding each other, but will still have misunderstanding nonetheless.  Of course, it all boils down to the individual expectations we all stake claim to and our demands to have those expectations met.  Some people are more flexible and willing to compromise, while others stand rigid in what they want.  Sadly, not every person is a perfect match and completely understood by another.  If there was..... it would appear to be blissful, but painfully boring and predictable.  That is where I just do not see the importance or entertainment value in the book I dreamed of writing.  Even after writing this....  I realized that I lack the necessary humor to make it even enjoyable in my eyes....  I love a good laugh.  Oh well, at least I thought about it.  Just do not plan on seeing me have a published work out there that people would stand in line to purchase.....

Off to do my usual stuff.... cooking, cleaning and stuff like that.....  Have a great day everyone!!!

Mama bear wakes up....

   "Mom, don't say 'I told you so' after I tell you this", my daughter starts off to break the silence in the car as I drive her home from a friend's house.

"Why don't you tell me what you need to say."  (obviously not agreeing to the request of not saying 'I told you so')

   "There is a boy in school that has a crush on me."

A smile comes across my face, a slight giggle starts, and.....  I just could not help myself by saying.... "Ha!  I told you so!  All of that whining before school started was a waste of air and mom was right....  Kind-of sucks to realize that mom is smart, huh kiddo?  And just to think... you thought you were not pretty enough to be liked by a boy.  I'll be honest.... I am not really ready for the talks we will be having in the future, nor am I ready to hear about boyfriends and crushes and such, but I am as ready as I will ever be.  I have no choice in the matter, but as your mom.... I am here for you.  Please take note that I have to thoroughly check this character out to see if he is worthy to see my daughter.  I need reassurance that he is respectful and fears me because this mama bear is no fool and will take no crap.  I just hope that you can be confident enough to be totally honest with me about everything because I care more about you than you think I do.  I will not try to judge you, but you need to know here and now....  I will always have your back... no matter what.  Just remember this, little one....  I am a lot smarter than you think and this proves it."

   "Mom!  You promised to not say 'I told you so'!"

I reply with, "No, I did not promise.  If you listened to what I said... I asked for you to tell me what you needed to say.  I did not agree to the terms you set before me to not comment."  A hearty laugh starts.  Between the solid guffaws coming from my mouth, I had to remind her that conversation we had over the summer.  The conversation about not needing to buy a bikini for the pool party at the local public pool.  I understand the insecurities girls have when it comes to boys and that sudden hormone-induced change girls go through that change the perception of boys being "gross" or "yucky" to being interested in interested enough to have a relationship with.  Every mother fears the day when their baby girl grows up and changes.  No longer focused on friends and Barbie dolls.  Their focus is on boys, attaining a boyfriend, and eventually, someday, getting married to live happily-ever-after.  Getting attention from a cute boy is the goal at this age.  That rush of being seen as attractive... desired even.  I should know..... I was there once.  Sadly, the initial desire to attain attention of someone from the opposite sex does not change all that much when you get all grown up and married.  Well, I cannot speak for women that have the perfect package of a married life, but for those that feel that there is definite room for improvement....  It does not get any easier.  I have not been looked upon as "special" in DH's eyes for a very long time.  Losing that desired feeling sure can be depressing and a definite confidence killer in yourself.  I should know.... I am hanging on by a thread when it comes to feeling good about myself.  I just want her confidence to be about who she is and not what she wears.  People should like you for who you are as a person and not by what you look like on the outside.  I want her to have more substance and less flash, but most of all, to never believe that self worth is found in the eyes of having a boyfriend with an arm around your waist....  Love and respect yourself first before placing too much emphasis having someone else do it for you.  I may be too weak to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, but I refuse to have my daughter go down the same path as I did.

Fast forward two weeks:  DD comes home from school and decides to share even more with her dear, old mother....

   "Mom, Tom did the funniest thing at school today!"

"Who is Tom?", I ask in a weary voice.

   "The boy at school that likes me", she says in a tone that sounded like I should know this kid.  "He and I have four classes together and we have lunch at the same time.  Well, he was telling me that he likes anime and I told him that I can draw anime, so he asked me to draw him something so I did and brought it to school for him today.  When he saw it, he looked totally shocked and asked me 'How in the hell I can do that so good and said he thinks my drawing is really cool', I thought it was funny how he said it.  Really Mom, doesn't everybody know how to draw anime cartoons?  Well, anyway, when he saw my drawing he stumbled and fell out of his chair and that is what really made me laugh out loud.  What a weirdo!  He made me laugh!"

After listening to this story being shot out in rapid succession, I had to ask how she knows that this boy likes her and way back in my mind.... I am trying to figure how I am gonna handle the notion that my baby girl is growing up with the fact that, at this pivotal age, she is being looked at as girlfriend material to boys.  She is 12 for Pete's sake!  Coming to the conclusion about that she is not allowed to date until she is 30, which I know that she will try to find a way around that, and if this boy thinks he is going to claim her as his girlfriend in any sense of the word, he will have to go through my rigorous tests of worthiness still did not ease my mind.  Heck, this boy better fear this mama bear because I remember the heartbreaks of my youth and nobody, and I mean NOBODY is gonna hurt my baby girl and get away with it.... She deserves nothing less than the best!  No matter how old she is to get.... she is going to always be my baby girl.  Oh SNAP!  I just realized I have truly become my mother.  That woman that, to this day, demands only the best for her daughter and will not take any crap from anyone.  God, I love that woman!  Not when I was a kid, but as an adult.... she is one heck of a role model.

I decide to finally ask the question.... "How do you know that this boy likes you?"  After asking, I got a sick feeling in my gut what the answer is.  Swallowing down what I believe is my self-righteous belief that I do know the answer, I hear a reply that knocked my socks off....

   "Well, my friends told me one day at lunch, but just the other day... he told me to my face that he likes me."

Bold kid, I thought....

"Well, what did you say in return?  Do you like this guy?  If not (secretly crossing my fingers in my mind that she has some restraint at the attention she is getting from a boy), did you let him down easy?  You know, boys can be just as sensitive as girls, ya know."  While waiting for her answer, I remembered all the times I informed my daughter to be nice to everyone because people should be treated with the same respect that you would want for yourself.  The day that someone does not respect you.... then they do not deserve your respect towards them.  Sigh, I hope I taught her well.

   "I said I liked him, but not that way.  I am not ready for a boyfriend, mom.  I think he understands."

Oh great!  A smitten boy, first time out of the gate with some remotely mature feelings that he probably has no grasp on, getting let down easy with a loophole of all things!  I had to dive into the memory banks and pull out the one story I hoped I would never have to pull out.... the one about the boy who waited.  Well, he was not a boy, but a fully grown man professing his determination to wait for me to feel ready to date him.  UGH!  It started off as an endearing story that took a turn to where I ran for the hills.  I sure hope that this kid is not a whack-job like the one I dealt with in my mid-20's.  Oh well... time to ask the pointed question to see if there was a repeat of my history happening in her life and she gets this to happen to her before she even becomes a full-fledged teenager and not like mine when I was 24 years old.

"I am not sure how you think he understood unless he said so, but I have to ask you this one thing....  Did he profess any strong desire to wait for you to want to be ready to date someone like him?  Like saying, 'I really like you a lot and I am willing to wait for you.  All you need to do is say my name and I will be there for you... ready, willing, and able' (as I am saying this I am mock acting total sincerity with my hand over my heart and a sadness in my voice that borders on sappy.... I am a really good ham actor, ya know...)?

DD busts a gut laughing....  Her whole body is shaking with laughter and assures me that he never said anything like that.  "In fact, mom, he was pretty cool about it and said he would like to be my friend.  He is fun to hang around with and since we have so many of the same classes... it is nice to have a friend to joke with in the hall.  So, why do you have that look on your face that you need to tell me another story?"

I had to do it.... I had to tell her about the whack-job that professed his feelings before ever being asked out on a date and how I eventually gave in to his persistence to take me out.  He was a great guy, at first, but became someone I truly believed needed to be checked into a mental hospital.  Smitten to the point of being way too sappy, clingy, and quickly turning into a control freak.  Even after breaking up with this guy, he got even creepier to the point I carried a baseball bat in my car when I caught him stalking me.  Fortunately, he must have come to his senses because I have not seen or heard from him ever again, but it took 6 months of looking over my shoulder after my final confrontation with him to be sure I felt personally safe.  I did reassure her that the odds of this Tom character becoming unhinged is really low, but there is always a risk of coming across a nutcase like the one I had and to always be honest with me about her concerns.  I know what to do and I assure you....  I am not the only one in my family willing to protect her from the bad seeds out there.  I reminded her that she still needs to be nice and handle things delicately, but to be smart about it.  I also mentioned about the years of experiencing heartbreak everyone goes through, but she can count on me to soften the blow, to get over it and move forward in life.  Of course, I will be secretly avenging every ill-conceived act that happens.  This mama bear is no pushover!

Oh, the adventures I will be experiencing with a teenager....  I think I am ready for this stage.  No guarantees about that, but I will do what I can to teach her how to not let my history repeat itself and to be smarter than I ever could while letting her learn on her own, too.  Because we all know that kids will defy their parents, they will keep secrets, and they will fight for their independence.  We did the same thing to our parents.  I just hope that with this firm grasp of what is ahead in the relationship my daughter and I have....  I can change the course that it is bound to take.  As long as I try, I really cannot fail....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

That's what friends are for....

There are times when a person ponders their purpose in life.  We all know that we have a job to do, we have family and we have friends, but what people tend to think about is the parameters of what those things are to categorize them into their respective groups....  what needs to be done to state that you (or another person) fits that category.

A job is something a person does that results in monetary gains and has a title.  A family is a group of people sharing the same DNA, but there are some families that do not through adoption.  A friend is a little more complex to describe because of what people consider their individual parameters of what has them see a person as a friend.  The deciding factors are endless, but the end result is the same....  mutual respect and appreciation of the person.

While there are some friendships that have expectations to be considered, there are some people that choose to go beyond what is expected with no demands for having the same returned to them.  I just happen to believe that friendships are more about the person than what they can do for me.  I will admit that I have plenty of friends, but I only have really only one best friend and that person is consistent in going beyond all others without strings attached.  I have friends that I can call upon that would have my back if I need it, but only a select few that manage to do that without being asked.  I have friends that are considerate of my feelings and try to be as supportive as they can.  I also have friends that enjoy having me in their presence from time to time.

While I have plenty of varying degrees for friends in my life, I noticed one thing about me that I felt I needed to share.....  I treat all of my friends as best friends.  I try to encompass all the aspects of what best friends do (within reason), regardless of the level of friend I happen to be to them and not expect more in return.  I have a strong level of respect and love for every person that is in my life and I try to share that with them because I hope that someday the same can be returned to me.  I hope, but I do not expect.  I do what I can because I choose to and not because it is expected, but in the back of my mind I can only hope that others can offer as freely as I can in return.  I know that is really not possible because what I see as what a friend is, obviously is not the same in another's point of view.  I do happen to have friends that have expectations that the feel is needed to be met in order to be considered a true friend.  While not all their expectations are unreasonable, there are some that cannot always be fulfilled, but they base the level of friendship upon what others do for them.  Sad to say that those friends are more like acquaintances than friends, but there you have it.....

While some people can say that they are friends of many, it is a rare thing to see a friend that is willing to take a midnight text or call because someone needs to talk.  It is rare to see a friend show up in support in time of need when a family member passes away.  It is rare to have a friend that knows they are talked about unfavorably behind their back, but remain friendly towards them.  It is rare to have a friend that forgives freely, offers openly, and expects nothing in return.  It is a rare gem of a person that can put the past behind them and embrace the here and now to face the future of uncertainty with hope that history does not repeat itself.  It is a special person that can continue where they left off with a friend after a long time apart.  Time and distance are no longer the parameters of friends and the strength of their friendship.  Life can move forward pretty fast, but to be assured that friendships remain is an amazing thing.  That lack of fear of being judged while acting silly to get a friend to smile when they are down is a priceless gift to have that never gets rejected.  A simple act like a hug is a one size fits all gift we all appreciate.  Great friends do not expect to be the center of attention, they just want to share the center of the stage with others.  We cannot always be there, but we can at least connect with an e-mail, text or call that we are thinking of them and we are there in spirit.

In a nutshell....  friends are people we share mutual respect for.  Recent acknowledgements for what I do for friends is appreciated, but not necessary because I just see it as something that friends do for one another.  While most believe that friendships are effortless.... it really does take effort... just nothing beyond what we are capable of doing for ourselves.  That is why it feels it is effortless.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!  As for me....  I think I need to head off to the library again for some new stuff to read.  I have been told that my insatiable need to read romantic comedies lately is because I severely lack it in my real life.  With over 70 books read in that genre this summer, I think they are right, but at least I can experience vicariously through the stories and keep me balanced in reality.  I wonder when my appetite for that genre of fiction will cease....  it is pretty pathetic if you ask me.  Sigh...  well enjoy the day everyone!