"There are good days and there are bad bays... I just have to take them in stride. I know what is going to happen. There is nothing I can do about it. I tried. It is just God's decision that it is time and I am okay with that." The weary voice of my friend and co-worker said to me during our last phone conversation just a couple of weeks ago. The anger I had when I heard those words from her still slam me in the chest like a blow with a baseball bat. Anger that people I care about having to die and expecting to embrace it. I know that people cannot live forever, but why does it have to be so hard?
The difficulties of dealing with loss.....
I have seen my fair share of death. I have attended memorial services, wakes, and funerals. Every one of them a difficult thing to endure. Seeing the pain in the eyes of those left behind to pick up the pieces and try to move forward. The loss of friends, family, and family of friends is difficult. Even more difficult is what to say to those left behind. Just saying, "I'm sorry for your loss", seems so generic and impersonal. Heck, it is obvious that we are sorry to see people in pain. Even sharing something that is supposed to ease the pain seems to take on the appearance of an emotionless band-aid. The understanding is there... it just cannot be explained in a way that actually helps ease the initial blow of loss.
When my father passed away 11 years ago, I was in denial. The person I saw in the coffin did not look like my father... he was so thin. I remember being angry then, too. Angry that he left me, my mom and my family too soon, but I knew when I last saw him alive that it was going to happen. The shock of knowing that I saw my dad a mere 8 hours before he passed away alone in a hospital room hit me like a plane crashing on my head. I was mad at God, I was mad at myself, and I hated the feeling. There was nothing that could bring me comfort except that short period that I was in denial. That is, until I went to the cemetery and saw that his headstone was delivered. I landed on my knees and cried hard. The day following seeing my father's headstone, I went to see the priest at my church and had a real heart-to-heart talk about my anger at God for taking my daddy away from me. That confession of my feelings face-to-face was a challenge, but once I did it.... I started to feel a little better. The days that followed were quiet and reflective, but healing at the same time. I still think of my dad often and the crying is less. The pain is dull, but still there. I miss my dad.
When DH's grandmother passed away almost a year before DH and I got married, I went through a similar thing. DH's grandmother was the first and probably the only family member that embraced me into the family fold. My grandparents passed away when I was quite young and she took me under her wing and let me call her grandma. A real spitfire of a woman that became a fierce friend to me. When she passed, I was devastated. The hardest hit was being stopped by DH's cousins and other family members with comments about how highly DH's grandmother spoke of me. I barely knew anyone there and people walked up to talk to me like they knew me. Of course, they did know me... through her. She was one phenomenal woman and her name lives on when I named DD. I named her after two of the most influential women in my life.... DH's grandma and my mom. I sure do miss that woman's spunk.
There have been other people that have managed to touch me in a way that they will always be remembered. While I happen to remember each one in their own special way, I do mention them in prayer. As I have learned over the years that prayer not only offers help when asked, it is also a way to communicate to those that passed on and offer peace in my soul to heal. I will admit that I have not been an avid praying person over the years, but when I do.... I always think of others first. Even those that passed on.
Just recently, in fact, this morning, I popped onto Facebook to see what is going on and play a game or two before I face my morning. Sometimes I just blog, but nonetheless I make a stop on the social network from time to time. Well, this morning, I saw a posting from a fellow co-worker about the recent death of another co-worker. The one that I have blogged about that was fighting stage 4 abdominal cancer. This woman was more generous than any person I have ever known. She made it her purpose in life to make every girl at work feel special through some extremely delicious food. While I know it is terrible to the idea of losing weight and being on a diet.... we all appreciated her efforts and ate everything she made graciously. She loved to bake and always made special treats for our birthdays. Sadly, she fell ill before my birthday came along, but she did give me homemade stuffed shells as a thank you for something I did for her. Those were the best stuffed shells I ever had and she got me interested in making pasta sauce from scratch. Always with a recipe of what she made, I admired her for her talents. Well, she was fighting the good fight a while back. She went through a very extensive surgery to remove all the cancer and got a clean bill of health. It was to take her at least a year to heal, but hearing that she was in the clear meant a lot to me. Then about a couple of weeks ago, I got some devastating news... the cancer came back. She was still healing from the surgery and it came back. There was nothing that the doctors could do, but agree to her wishes to live out the rest of her life (no matter how short it would be), as peaceful as possible. I called her and talked for at least a good 45 minutes. Her tired voice being hidden with excitement to talk with me for a while touched my heart. I shared my feelings and let her know of my anger that she was fighting again so soon after getting her clean bill of health. She assured me that she is okay with everything and that it was time to let God take her home. She was tired of fighting and knew it was her time. I wanted to visit her one more time before she left, but I have been fighting my allergies and possibly a mild cold at the time and did not want to get her sick in her already weakened state. She understood, but it still hurts me that I could not see her one more time. God took yet another great person that touched me deeply. I pray that the pain is gone and that she could finally rest in peace. I said a little prayer for her this morning that I am thinking of her and wishing her a safe journey to Heaven to watch over all that she cared about. I have to take comfort that she embraced this, but it is just too soon to do that. I plan on going to whatever services her family chooses out of respect for the woman and to hopefully support her family in their time of need. I just do not know what to say to her family because I feel that offering condolences is just not enough....
Sad, sad day for me. Well, on to face the day. Thanks for reading....
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