"Mom, don't say 'I told you so' after I tell you this", my daughter starts off to break the silence in the car as I drive her home from a friend's house.
"Why don't you tell me what you need to say." (obviously not agreeing to the request of not saying 'I told you so')
"There is a boy in school that has a crush on me."
A smile comes across my face, a slight giggle starts, and..... I just could not help myself by saying.... "Ha! I told you so! All of that whining before school started was a waste of air and mom was right.... Kind-of sucks to realize that mom is smart, huh kiddo? And just to think... you thought you were not pretty enough to be liked by a boy. I'll be honest.... I am not really ready for the talks we will be having in the future, nor am I ready to hear about boyfriends and crushes and such, but I am as ready as I will ever be. I have no choice in the matter, but as your mom.... I am here for you. Please take note that I have to thoroughly check this character out to see if he is worthy to see my daughter. I need reassurance that he is respectful and fears me because this mama bear is no fool and will take no crap. I just hope that you can be confident enough to be totally honest with me about everything because I care more about you than you think I do. I will not try to judge you, but you need to know here and now.... I will always have your back... no matter what. Just remember this, little one.... I am a lot smarter than you think and this proves it."
"Mom! You promised to not say 'I told you so'!"
I reply with, "No, I did not promise. If you listened to what I said... I asked for you to tell me what you needed to say. I did not agree to the terms you set before me to not comment." A hearty laugh starts. Between the solid guffaws coming from my mouth, I had to remind her that conversation we had over the summer. The conversation about not needing to buy a bikini for the pool party at the local public pool. I understand the insecurities girls have when it comes to boys and that sudden hormone-induced change girls go through that change the perception of boys being "gross" or "yucky" to being interested in interested enough to have a relationship with. Every mother fears the day when their baby girl grows up and changes. No longer focused on friends and Barbie dolls. Their focus is on boys, attaining a boyfriend, and eventually, someday, getting married to live happily-ever-after. Getting attention from a cute boy is the goal at this age. That rush of being seen as attractive... desired even. I should know..... I was there once. Sadly, the initial desire to attain attention of someone from the opposite sex does not change all that much when you get all grown up and married. Well, I cannot speak for women that have the perfect package of a married life, but for those that feel that there is definite room for improvement.... It does not get any easier. I have not been looked upon as "special" in DH's eyes for a very long time. Losing that desired feeling sure can be depressing and a definite confidence killer in yourself. I should know.... I am hanging on by a thread when it comes to feeling good about myself. I just want her confidence to be about who she is and not what she wears. People should like you for who you are as a person and not by what you look like on the outside. I want her to have more substance and less flash, but most of all, to never believe that self worth is found in the eyes of having a boyfriend with an arm around your waist.... Love and respect yourself first before placing too much emphasis having someone else do it for you. I may be too weak to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, but I refuse to have my daughter go down the same path as I did.
Fast forward two weeks: DD comes home from school and decides to share even more with her dear, old mother....
"Mom, Tom did the funniest thing at school today!"
"Who is Tom?", I ask in a weary voice.
"The boy at school that likes me", she says in a tone that sounded like I should know this kid. "He and I have four classes together and we have lunch at the same time. Well, he was telling me that he likes anime and I told him that I can draw anime, so he asked me to draw him something so I did and brought it to school for him today. When he saw it, he looked totally shocked and asked me 'How in the hell I can do that so good and said he thinks my drawing is really cool', I thought it was funny how he said it. Really Mom, doesn't everybody know how to draw anime cartoons? Well, anyway, when he saw my drawing he stumbled and fell out of his chair and that is what really made me laugh out loud. What a weirdo! He made me laugh!"
After listening to this story being shot out in rapid succession, I had to ask how she knows that this boy likes her and way back in my mind.... I am trying to figure how I am gonna handle the notion that my baby girl is growing up with the fact that, at this pivotal age, she is being looked at as girlfriend material to boys. She is 12 for Pete's sake! Coming to the conclusion about that she is not allowed to date until she is 30, which I know that she will try to find a way around that, and if this boy thinks he is going to claim her as his girlfriend in any sense of the word, he will have to go through my rigorous tests of worthiness still did not ease my mind. Heck, this boy better fear this mama bear because I remember the heartbreaks of my youth and nobody, and I mean NOBODY is gonna hurt my baby girl and get away with it.... She deserves nothing less than the best! No matter how old she is to get.... she is going to always be my baby girl. Oh SNAP! I just realized I have truly become my mother. That woman that, to this day, demands only the best for her daughter and will not take any crap from anyone. God, I love that woman! Not when I was a kid, but as an adult.... she is one heck of a role model.
I decide to finally ask the question.... "How do you know that this boy likes you?" After asking, I got a sick feeling in my gut what the answer is. Swallowing down what I believe is my self-righteous belief that I do know the answer, I hear a reply that knocked my socks off....
"Well, my friends told me one day at lunch, but just the other day... he told me to my face that he likes me."
Bold kid, I thought....
"Well, what did you say in return? Do you like this guy? If not (secretly crossing my fingers in my mind that she has some restraint at the attention she is getting from a boy), did you let him down easy? You know, boys can be just as sensitive as girls, ya know." While waiting for her answer, I remembered all the times I informed my daughter to be nice to everyone because people should be treated with the same respect that you would want for yourself. The day that someone does not respect you.... then they do not deserve your respect towards them. Sigh, I hope I taught her well.
"I said I liked him, but not that way. I am not ready for a boyfriend, mom. I think he understands."
Oh great! A smitten boy, first time out of the gate with some remotely mature feelings that he probably has no grasp on, getting let down easy with a loophole of all things! I had to dive into the memory banks and pull out the one story I hoped I would never have to pull out.... the one about the boy who waited. Well, he was not a boy, but a fully grown man professing his determination to wait for me to feel ready to date him. UGH! It started off as an endearing story that took a turn to where I ran for the hills. I sure hope that this kid is not a whack-job like the one I dealt with in my mid-20's. Oh well... time to ask the pointed question to see if there was a repeat of my history happening in her life and she gets this to happen to her before she even becomes a full-fledged teenager and not like mine when I was 24 years old.
"I am not sure how you think he understood unless he said so, but I have to ask you this one thing.... Did he profess any strong desire to wait for you to want to be ready to date someone like him? Like saying, 'I really like you a lot and I am willing to wait for you. All you need to do is say my name and I will be there for you... ready, willing, and able' (as I am saying this I am mock acting total sincerity with my hand over my heart and a sadness in my voice that borders on sappy.... I am a really good ham actor, ya know...)?
DD busts a gut laughing.... Her whole body is shaking with laughter and assures me that he never said anything like that. "In fact, mom, he was pretty cool about it and said he would like to be my friend. He is fun to hang around with and since we have so many of the same classes... it is nice to have a friend to joke with in the hall. So, why do you have that look on your face that you need to tell me another story?"
I had to do it.... I had to tell her about the whack-job that professed his feelings before ever being asked out on a date and how I eventually gave in to his persistence to take me out. He was a great guy, at first, but became someone I truly believed needed to be checked into a mental hospital. Smitten to the point of being way too sappy, clingy, and quickly turning into a control freak. Even after breaking up with this guy, he got even creepier to the point I carried a baseball bat in my car when I caught him stalking me. Fortunately, he must have come to his senses because I have not seen or heard from him ever again, but it took 6 months of looking over my shoulder after my final confrontation with him to be sure I felt personally safe. I did reassure her that the odds of this Tom character becoming unhinged is really low, but there is always a risk of coming across a nutcase like the one I had and to always be honest with me about her concerns. I know what to do and I assure you.... I am not the only one in my family willing to protect her from the bad seeds out there. I reminded her that she still needs to be nice and handle things delicately, but to be smart about it. I also mentioned about the years of experiencing heartbreak everyone goes through, but she can count on me to soften the blow, to get over it and move forward in life. Of course, I will be secretly avenging every ill-conceived act that happens. This mama bear is no pushover!
Oh, the adventures I will be experiencing with a teenager.... I think I am ready for this stage. No guarantees about that, but I will do what I can to teach her how to not let my history repeat itself and to be smarter than I ever could while letting her learn on her own, too. Because we all know that kids will defy their parents, they will keep secrets, and they will fight for their independence. We did the same thing to our parents. I just hope that with this firm grasp of what is ahead in the relationship my daughter and I have.... I can change the course that it is bound to take. As long as I try, I really cannot fail....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!
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