Okay, okay... I know... probably a little dramatic of a title today, but when you get that uncomfortable feeling in your gut from information given, no matter how innocent it appears to be, you just might wish things were easier to handle. Yesterday was the day that formed today's blog....
DD comes home from school and proceeds to do her usual stuff. She makes herself a snack, pours herself something to drink and takes a moment to decompress from a long day at school. In all honesty.... I now miss the days of going to school... Life was much simpler once you look back and realize being a kid was GREAT! No bills to pay, no checkbook to balance, no fretting over money, no concerns about how the rise in taxes was going to put a major dent in the pocketbook.... Just simple. Of course, what we dealt with in our youth was a big thing... just not as life shattering as we believe today. Making friends, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, getting good grades, fitting in with the "in" crowd.... Important, but not life-or-death important.
Well, as the late afternoon progressed, I started making dinner for the family. Probably one of the favorites that never leaves leftovers for DH the next day..... Marinated flank steak, garlic mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and sauteed mushrooms with garlic for DD and I (since DH REFUSES to even eat a mushroom). When dinner was just about finished, DD offers to help and realizes that she is too late. Her dramatic act of feeling bad that she missed in the ritual of making dinner made me laugh, and she smiles at her achievement to see a smile come across my face. While I was slicing the steak, DD asked me a question....
"Mom, do you think I will ever have a boyfriend?"
My stomach dropped, my head started spinning, and I chose my words VERY carefully.... "Of course you will. You are a very pretty girl and I have no doubt that some boy is going to ask you to go out with him on a date or even ask if you would like to be his girlfriend. Just don't rush this need to have a boyfriend. School is important and you should focus on that and not seeing if you can get a boyfriend. If it happens... it happens. Why do you ask?"
"Would you be upset if I told you that I think I have a boyfriend?"
OOF! Kick to the stomach! I know where this is going.... I am curious and scared to know so I ask... "How do you think you have a boyfriend? Is this that Tom character I have heard about? Did he ask you to be his boyfriend? And when did this happen?"
DD proceeds to tell me that the night of the dance, the boy that told her that he has a crush on her asked if she would like to be his boyfriend and she said yes. The share a fair number of classes together and he walks her to class. He chooses to sit next to her at lunch and his friends are really nice to her. He plays football, has blonde hair and blue eyes, and is really nice to her. The look on my face was sheer fear when I asked more pointed questions like... if he kissed her or made plans on seeing her outside of school. Her reply was only that he likes to spend time with her as much as possible at school and they only hugged a few times. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grew, the thoughts spinning in my head increased to a point that I was feeling dizzy, but I kept my focus on the fact that DD is being open with me. I have been striving for open communication between my daughter and me. Honesty is what I want from her. I remember keeping secrets from my mom and learned rather quickly that I should not have because there were things I would have rather had her help in compared to finding a solution on my own. This goal of changing the mother-daughter dynamic was my doing and now I am scared to what I will learn. Probably because I am aware of what happens and I am so not ready to deal with it. I have no choice, but to be ready. Fortunately, she did share this much. She could have not told me a thing, ya know? Heck, her father does not know! She only told me!!
I look at my little girl and see my baby getting all grown up, but I secretly wished that she would not grow up too much and so fast. Just knowing that the drama of the teenage years is looming overhead is going to be difficult. I thought I was ready for this and now I am not so sure. I know that I cannot place her in a locked closet until I feel more comfortable with the notion that she will be dating boys eventually. The prude in me is already looking in the gutter over something as innocent as a hug and it makes me sick. I am teetering on the notion to placing her in a convent so I can sleep at night, but I know that she is a smart kid. I talk to her openly about things with hopes that she sees the lessons I learned and hope that she does not let my history repeat itself in her life's adventure. She has been open with me and I hope she remains honest about everything. She knows I would take a bullet for her, but I would like to at least get a heads up to when the shot is being fired. Getting old makes it hard to be on my "A"-game. My reflexes are not as quick as they used to be. The sharp edge of my wit and sarcasm has dulled a bit over the years. (Note to self: start hitting the gym ASAP! I still have a good right hook, but I lack endurance). I thought I was ready... I thought I had more time.... I am obviously not. While I love my daughter dearly... I am now thinking that it would have been far easier on me if I had a son instead. Less stress in my eyes. Of course, I could be wrong. UGH! Time to pop another antacid and get this day going....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
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