Good morning friends :)
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
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