Ever notice when people do silly things (or even annoying things) to another person, it basically means that they are giving you some attention? Remember as kids when you went running to your mom with a story regarding how frustrating and annoying some kid has been towards you and the response always was... "they are teasing you because they like you."? Well, apparently there is loads of love in my home. DH and DD taunt and tease each other all day. From the moment they open their eyes until the moment they go to sleep. I, on the other hand, choose to be the silent observer of their antics. Between DD's growling at her father in frustration, and DH's "never say die nor even quit when you are asked to" mentality... it feels like I have 2 children to raise instead of one. I do have to admit, DH does have the upper hand in the taunting game, but DD sure is getting better at taunting him back. While DD complains to me about her father's antics, I giggle and give her the same story my mom gave me.... "he teases you because he loves you, my dear."
I am not sure if it is feeling like I am left out of this taunting "loop" that DH and DD has, but I took a stab at just some playful antics to the both of them. Well, here is my findings.....
DD gets a little playful teasing from me and she decides to go hide in her room. DH gets bent and tells me in the most sternest of tone to quit it. Suddenly, it is like a force that cannot be reckoned with made my family go to opposite corners of the house.
Feeling a little sting of hurt from DH's inability to play this silly game with me, I go and hide in the room where my computer sits to type this. As I ponder the thought that maybe what is considered love towards me is not allowed to have any fun attached to it. Being shrugged off like an itchy sweater really hurts, but I just cannot let this get the best of me. I have had worse happen in my life, so this should be easy, right? Apparently not. Maybe I am too sensitive to this little slam to my feelings. It is not like we really do all that much together anyway.
As resentment sets in, I start seeing other little cracks in what I see as a solid family unit. As I try to avoid comparing my life towards the lives of others, I just can't seem to stop feeling like I am appreciated less and less. Those warm and fuzzy feelings of being loved seem to be gone and the realization that I am just a roommate to DH and that annoying "fly in the ointment" to DD. While I tried to pride myself on not needing all that sappy romantic stuff, I realized that I would like it from time to time. Simple little things that show me that I am truly loved beyond that level of respect that is demanded. I sometimes get a little here and there, but it is the predictable kind that I already know about. That kiss goodbye from DH as he leaves for work, the hug from DD when she wants something, and the gifts of cards on Mother's Day and my Birthday. There are no surprises in my life here. I have had a few scary moments, but nothing that has ever been done on some random day "just because". Even this past Christmas felt more like an obligation than a desire. I can only guess that passion loses its luster as time goes on, but there are a few stories of how a couple that has remained together for 50 years or more can still have a glimmer of passion still burning. Heck, I see this old couple that walks around the neighborhood together holding hands, but when DH and I do the same, we are only walking next to each other.... no hand holding here. Just those simple things that we have taken for granted seem to lack the gleam that passion offers when it becomes mechanical and expected.
Maybe that is why people seem to go in other directions. While DH and I have no reason to part ways, I do see this strain in how we coexist. One obviously wants to see growth or more out of this union while the other is perfectly happy with less. Obviously the one seeking more is me. With DH's retort at my playful nature by touching his knee, I definitely felt the sting of rejection. Even explaining my actions after being told to "quit it", there was no remorse at my feelings being hurt. Well, chances are he did not see me look hurt. I do not like to cry in front of people and I sure as heck did not tell him that he hurt my feelings. Holding dear to my father's words that showing too much emotion is a sign of weakness, I ran to the computer to blog. Yep, I have been getting better at handling things when I take the time to write my feelings.... so look at me, dad. I am being strong like you told me to be. I sure do miss ya. You always had the best advise and I know you would know what to do about this. Chances are, you would do something about this. Albeit a joke or going behind my back to speak for me... I know that you would catch me as I fall.
I wonder... is this what "I love you, but not that way" is? I believe my family loves me... I think. Just not enough to let me play along.
Oh well, off to make dinner and get this day over with. I am running out of things to do on the computer.....
Thanks for reading...
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