Just a simple phrase....

Flipping the channels while the laundry was being attended to, I come across the TV reality show.... "RuPaul's Drag Race".  I am not sure if it is just curiosity that lured me in to watching, or seeing a man transform into a very convincing woman that astounds me to keep watching, but I did.  That show offers more internal struggles than I figured it would show.  These contestants have some serious baggage attached.  Being outed for being different is the center of the show.  Seeing and listening to these men struggle with their individuality and battling with acceptance within the group is something everyone deals with.  Just not all men desire to pose as women, nor does all women strive to look like a man.  We all struggle for acceptance and validation.

As I watched these men battle it out at the end... the two that received the lowest scores in the challenge need to convince RuPaul that they are worthy competitors via lip-syncing to a random song.  As RuPaul decides to gets to stay and who gets to "sashay away", she tells everyone that gets to stay this one phrase.....

"How in the hell is anyone gonna love you if you do not love yourself... can I get an AMEN."

That phrase is so true.  How does a person truly feel loved if the do not love themselves first?  Maybe that is the problem I feel I have.  I am seeking acceptance and validation of love from others while I clearly have an issue with loving myself.  I am most critical when it comes to me.  I see myself as fat, unattractive, and droll.  Compliments offered my way regarding my eyes being pretty or my hair looking great seem to never boost anything more than a "thank you" and silently disagreeing with the person.  When someone says it appears that I have lost some weight, I downplay the sentiment and think about how much farther I still need to go.  In fact, I seem to sabotage my ability to really follow through with being consistent when it comes to my diet.  This has to be self destructive behavior stemmed from not loving who I am.  As I try feverishly for feeling accepted, loved and validated as someone people like, the inner resentment of myself holds me back from truly feeling loved.  This probably causes a wall to build around me that others see and keep their distance.  My fear of rejection keeps me shackled to accepting every ill-conceived action that people do care, but only if I submit to their needs instead of my own.  I just cannot demand attention and feel good about it.  Maybe that is why I do more for others than I do for myself.  I am the one that bends all the time.  I am the one that changes to make a situation work.  I am the one that accepts less when I should be demanding for more.

Never to impose or demand attention, I put myself out there ready to accept getting hurt.  Kind of like being an "on call" punching bag.  While I know that there is a line drawn and that I would never take a physical punch to the face, I seem to be more apt to taking verbal blows.  I take criticism to heart and let compliments roll off of me like water off of a duck's back.  I do think of others before I think of myself.  In fact, probably a little too much.  I know that I have been taken advantage of, but accepted it because I made the happiness of others the focus of my energy.

Now, how does someone that chooses to love others first, figure how to love themselves?  I really do not know.  I know that something I blogged about in the past about "the inner awesome" has a lot to do with self love.  I just never realized how important is was.  When life humbles you (having a child does that), that self-love takes a back burner.  It is finding the right balance of self love is what I need.  Loving myself enough embrace others without appearing egotistical.  To become more apt to accepting the kindness of others when I obviously have turned my back to truly accepting compliments.  To be more accepting of who I am and stop being so overly critical.  To validate the fact that I am someone worthy of love and truly embrace all that comes my way....  To be the best that I can possibly be and achieve my goals in life where my lack of self love has sabotaged me.  I now acknowledged it, I need to embrace it... I just need to figure how to do it.

Thanks for reading... have a great day.