A recent revelation has me thinking. I wonder if I am a bad daughter because I am reacting differently as of late. I really have not made much of an effort to figure if my behavior is different between the loss of my mother as to the loss of my father. To be honest here, there has been a 20 year difference between the two. Being close to both my mother and my father, I never put much thought in my grieving process. Like, did I cry more or less? Did I handle the knowledge that their passing made it hard to handle holidays, birthdays or anniversaries because they are no longer here? Don't get me wrong, I cried when my dad passed away. I cried when my mom passed away, too. It is the days, weeks, months, and years that follow that has me thinking. It is how I have changed as a person that has me wondering. Here are a few observations....
When my dad passed away in 2001, I was far from prepared to accept his passing. Seeing him roughly 8 hours before he passed away was difficult. Seeing him suffer with all those tubes and wires gave me reason to question the news of his "passing away quietly and not in pain". It had me question my faith in God and made me quite angry. It took a lot of effort to let a tear fall at his funeral, and when the tears fell freely was the day at the cemetery when his headstone arrived. That first year of his passing was the hardest for me, but got a little easier as each year passed. I still miss my father, but I was never an emotional wreck.
My mom's passing on August 8, 2020, was different. I was affected a bit differently. I cried really hard, but I also felt relief. She was suffering, depressed and difficult. She was placed in hospice when the efforts to help her with her failing kidneys were not enough. She had so many health issues. Some were known and others she refused to face until it was too late. I know she missed my dad and wanted to be reunited with him. The depression was palpable and formed a cloud around her so thick, it was hard to be around her. Watching that once viable and capable woman crumble away in front of me was painful and difficult to face. Her need to use a walker, her inability to move around and her demeanor when it came to expectations were quite difficult to handle. I was coming over daily to change the bandages on her legs from the weeping wounds. She was hiding the fluid retention from her failing kidneys with blankets and was refusing to see the doctor. She demanded constant care from her grown children that couldn't manage to make enough time and her attitude made it difficult to want to. Don't get me wrong.... we all loved our mom, but she was far more difficult than we could handle. We just couldn't seem to meet her expectations. No matter how hard we tried. When she was placed in hospice, it was the most difficult thing to face for me. Seeing her on her "bad day" was the hardest thing for me to see, but getting to see her on the one "good day" before she passed is what has helped me through the loss process. Having that one last conversation with her gave me peace and her mention of speaking to her long passed sister gave me hope that the afterlife is real, that heaven exists and that she is reunited with my dad in heaven. I think that is why I seem to be more accepting of her passing. Still sad, but more accepting.
What I have noticed after losing both my parents is how I have crawled into a shell of sorts. My once talkative self is more quiet and I appear to be a bit detached. My once social personality has now become more introverted and when I try to be more social, it looks forced and uncomfortable. Am I still a little introspective when holidays and birthdays come around? I am. I miss both my mom and dad. Do I still cry with the feeling of loss they left behind? I do. It just seems far less than I would think is expected of what is normal.
I guess the reason I decided to share this is because of a conversation I had with a client recently. She was aware of my mother's passing as I was aware of her husband's passing. She asked how I was doing and how I was handling with grief. She made me think and reflect, but also told me that grief is handled differently as everyone is an individual. Pain from loss is not the same process from one person to the next and that the magnitude of pain will be different as well. I said I was feeling like I was a bad daughter for not feeling the deep pain of loss that my mother felt when she lost her husband or when she lost a friend or family member of the past. That this little feeling of relief that she was no longer suffering is actually normal. Her suffering was making me suffer with her and that feeling of relief made me think I am a bad daughter... a selfish one. I still think I am, but having someone validate my feelings as "normal" has lessened the blow of the realization a little.
I am already feeling a little hit to the heart this month because tomorrow (May 4th) is my mom's birthday and Mother's Day is coming up (May 9th this year). She is not physically here and it makes me sad. I miss her and it makes me feel terrible that I cannot find the right words.... heck, any words.
Thanks for allowing me to share and have a great day...
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