Fear

Fear is one thing that affects me the most these days.  Fear of the unknown, fear of judgement, fear of mistakes, fear of rejection, fear of loss.... fear.  An emotion so powerful that it causes anxiety so strong that it can paralyze a person.

Sure, fear can be something enjoyed as well.  That boost of adrenaline that gives us the option of fight or flight.  While I am not any form of an adrenaline junkie, I suppose I can see the appeal.  I seem to be more on the side of fear being a feeling best avoided.

While I make this blog entry, I am riddled with fear.  The fear of judgement races to the front of the line.  Coming along for the ride is fear of being misunderstood.  The reason for this is because people have the ability to twist words to fit to their design.  I have been a victim of my words being twisted into something entirely different than what I meant.  And with that, I am judged very harshly for it.  But today, I feel that this entry must be made.  I will face my fears and hit that publish button today.

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Even the most intelligent people make mistakes.  It is from those mistakes we learn the hard truth that we are not perfect.  Regardless of what others may think of us or want to believe we are.  Sure, we try to make all the right decisions and choose the correct path, but it is the fear of making mistakes in the eyes of those that expect perfection that can create a series of other fears.  Lets begin with the first fear after a mistake has been made.... fear of being misunderstood and the fear of judgement.  Mistakes start as an attempt to change or rectify a situation, but sometimes mistakes are made because our thought process gets clouded.  While we tend to believe we make sound choices at the moment, or in the moment, the reasoning may not be acceptable by another.  I'd like to say this is because opinions do come to light when it comes to attempting to understand why a person did what they did, but manage to judge instead of understand.  That is what judgement is... an opinion believed before all facts are presented.  Basically, judging the worthiness of a book solely by it's cover.  It is the fear of judgement that what was once seen as good, being seen as bad in the eyes of those we hold in high regard.

Following the fear of judgement and being misunderstood, there is the fear of rejection.  Being rejected solely upon not fitting in the parameters of what is expected.  Yes, everyone has expectations and should strive to have these demands met, but to what end?  There is zero compromise with some.  It is a black or white kind of world.  The harsh opinions that dictate right from wrong in such a vicious way that those that try to appease these people are fearful of not just judgement, but fearful of rejection.  Best example of this is found in relationships.  And the spectrum of relationships spans beyond friends and into families.

Fear of disappointment is a tricky one.  This one ties a fair amount of fears in a neat little package.  A child being fearful of disappointing a strict parent with a rigid set of views and values faces not just judgement (ridicule), but can lead to rejection (being disowned; kicked out of the family fold), as well.  Of course, we cannot forget that there is a fair amount of misunderstanding in this scenario because there are times when even the strictest of people will compromise (unwillingly) because the love between a parent and child is unconditional.  But sometimes, that fear of disappointment goes beyond the first ripple in the family spectrum.  It may not be the child's parents that they are fearing, but the extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Even friends can cause a person to step back and avoid total open honesty.  While we would like to believe that honesty is the best policy, it is the fear of the reaction to the truth that gives us pause.  The only way to know is to face the fear, tell the truth and face the consequences from your actions.  Honesty can be painful and liberating at the same time.  Is it hearing the truth that softens the blow of the magnitude of the situation?  Usually, not at first, but our character is based upon the challenges we face and how we deal.  It is taking the time to digest the facts and come to terms with the truth that makes the difference.  It also takes a person willing to make that time to do so.

The bow that wraps the box of fears is the fear of the unknown.  This is the most paralyzing fear.  The fears that preceded this one pale in comparison because we face the unknown every day.  While there are times we are immune to the risks we face every day, there are some things that come to light that cannot give the answers we seek until it happens.  And even then, there is no absolute.  Just a gateway to choices to make and hope that the choice we make is the right one.  It is faith that pushes us forward to making the next step.  The faith that everything will be okay in the end.  As we all know that faith is believing in something we cannot touch... someone we cannot touch.  As for me, I believe in God.  God means love, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, and forgiveness to all that believe in him.  He holds our fate.  He is the author of our individual story.  His son sacrificed himself for absolution of the sins of all... to be forgiven when we choose what is seen as the wrong path.  We have been given choices because God sees to it.  Yes, I have fears of what is going to happen next.  I have fears of what happens tomorrow, but I have faith that God has a plan for me.  I believe he has a plan for everyone, regardless of religious affiliation.  Even those that don't.  What I am fearful in the unknown is on this plane of existence and with the people I strive very hard to not disappoint, but have....  to try to not fail, but failed anyway...  to be understood, but not be.... to be free from judgement, but being judged regardless.  The list goes on and on, but I do wonder....  are people capable of forgiveness?  Forgiving people of their secrets when there should be none?  Forgiving people of their fears?  Because, let's be honest here... we all have secrets we are ashamed of.  Wouldn't it be so freeing to release the shame, embrace the truth and be accepted unconditionally because of it?  I'd think so, but sadly fear has a tight grip and stops people from trying.

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I would like to give you a little information before questions and phone calls from family (and friends) come flying at me.  Today's blog entry is about a personal crisis that I would like to keep to myself and will not be discussing it to anyone until I feel I am ready.  Writing about fears is a step in addressing my crisis and affirming my faith in order to move forward and figure out what I will be choosing to do next.  I am not needing any assistance in my journey at this moment, but when I am ready it is heard with an open mind and an open heart.  I hope you can respect my wishes and wait until I am ready to talk.  Thank you.