Fear factor mash-up

Good morning.  I have not done much when it comes to blogging lately, as well as being social media active.  I have my reasons and it fits perfectly with today's blog entry.  That is why I an titling this, "Fear Factor Mash-Up".

A couple years back, there was a whole stir of drama over my blog and the sharing of my thoughts.  The phone calls that only offered scathing opinion about me blogging my thoughts had me take a strong stand on cutting off the drama at it's knees through taking a long break from all forms of media.  I stopped blogging, I stopped being socially active on social media, and I even screened my calls through weighing the value of hearing another scathing opinion or debate topic at how I am destroying lives through sharing my thoughts on things.  I never really thought that picking apart my thought process, exposing my raw feelings, and basically sharing my opinion was so dangerous to those I never even wrote about.  Every word shared was picked apart in such a manner that twisting it into something it wasn't became the fuel to bully me into hiding in the corner and the starting point of how much I hated who I am.  I, to this day, truly believe that I just don't matter, and sharing anything with anyone is just a waste of time and energy.  I have become the poster child of what to avoid.

Now, if you happen to have a conversation with me, I appear perfectly fine.  I will crack jokes on my behalf.  I tend to be a little insightful, but I also try to keep my talking to a minimum.  I believe that I have hit my limit on being told that I talk too much, I talk to loud, and I lack the ability to do all that much right.  But in all honesty, I am a beaten down individual.  I am fearful of hurting anyone's feelings and I am a self proclaimed "people pleaser"; a person that never asks for anything, but will jump to do even more if there is a hint of displeasure.  My home life is one example.  I do all the cooking, cleaning and errand running for everyone in my home.  I have enabled my family to expect things to be done for them.  I alter my plans to rush home to cook dinner so my family can be fed when they come in the door.  I wash the dishes because nobody is willing to step up and help and a sink filled with dirty dishes and a pile of dirty stuff is frowned upon here, but if I left a sink filled with dirty dishes with the hopes someone would help me, one of two things happen....  The sink stays filled with dirty dishes, or someone will complain that there are no dishes to eat off of.  On the rare occurrences that someone does wash the dishes.... they will either demand credit or complain that they always wash the dishes.  Same goes for laundry.  I will sort, wash, dry and fold the laundry.  My only request is that they put their clean clothes away.  What usually happens is that clothes are grabbed from the piles to be worn and as they look through the clean clothes, a majority of it gets unfolded, and tossed to the floor.  There are times people will do a load of laundry, but it ends up in one of three places....  sitting in the washing machine (wet), sitting in the dryer (dried), or thrown on the dryer (not folded in a wrinkly pile.  Sometimes, stuff is still wet in the pile). While nobody seems to care all that much, it is heartbreaking that nobody wants to help me.  If I ask.... I am fighting a battle that I always lose at.

I will admit that I liked talking to people.  That is, until I was told (repeatedly) that I talk too much.  Well, that and the opinion that what I have to say is useless.  I am socially inept on social media.  I have no niche to claim as my own.  I hate ruffling the metaphorical feathers of others, so I try to avoid offering an opinion.  Being told that my opinions are stupid and the diatribe to follow that points out as to why I am so uninformed just makes me run and hide.  I am not a death-watch monger that feels the need to talk about death all the time.  I never understood the need to seek out depressing topics of discussion.  I am not all "zen", like some of my friends with daily motivational reminders that I am worthy because.... let's be honest here.... I don't feel all that worthy.  I just try to do my best and hopefully make it through the day without pissing someone off.  I hate confrontation.  With being beaten down to just keep my damn mouth shut has me be that pathetic girl hiding in the corner, hoping to be noticed. I hate taking pictures of myself because I know that I am not photogenic, and when someone takes a picture of me.... all I see are the flaws that society tries to avoid front and center.  I believe that there are some really good causes out there that need support (animals, kids, cancer, wounded warriors, homelessness), but I can't pick just one to stand behind fully.  Hell, I'm a "cause" I can't even stand behind. 

I have become a wishy-washy fearful person that has lost her way because of her people-pleasing ways.  I just want people to be happy around me, but I fail every stinking time.  So in this mash-up, I am facing my fears of what people think because I already know that I will never measure up to those perfect people that dictate what I need to change to be more acceptable in public.  So here I am.  Ready to take on more silent opinion where I am lacking.  I lack the thin physique of my youth, I am not as wrinkle free as I was, I am a worn-down shell of a once vital woman that holds everything back because I really do want to be loved (flaws and all), and lacking appreciation for all that I can accomplish.  I am not asking to be put on a pedestal and praised, but sometimes it feels as if I really want to.  Maybe it is the lack of thought when it comes to me.  The feeling I get that I really do not matter anymore is what hurts.  I never had a party thrown in my honor (for those wondering... a birthday party.  Being born so close to a holiday... nobody ever came to my childhood birthday party.  DH never threw me a 40th birthday party like I did for him, nor did he do one for my 50th last year), I never get a "just because" surprise offering of flowers, I never received a "thinking of you" card in the mail, and while I am not a person that hugs people all that much.... I would really like to get a hug once in a while from someone.  Even a kind word that I am worthy would be nice.

Okay, now go on and dissect what I shared today.  I will be awaiting the call with what I have done wrong this time.  Oh, and no "pity calls" please.  I have a lot to do and very little help with getting it done.  Enjoy your day and thanks for being curious enough to read this.