Sure, we can have expectations and opinions on how two people connect and stay connected, but we need to remember that everyone does things differently to get their point across. It takes being open to looking at things at a different angle to get a better picture.
Almost 7 months ago, DD had a baby. As an old saying goes, "man plans, God laughs", but in this case.... it is a blessing we so needed in my family and I am thankful for the blessing my grandson is. During her pregnancy, I saw two big things I would have not seen coming. DD maturing in such a manner that I am so proud of her, and DH being even more of the stoic rock that holds us together. His acceptance and support made my heart grow to double it's size, and when he finally opened up to me with his feelings (which, is not something he likes to do)in words, he opened my eyes to see how much he does love me and our growing family. I learned that while I am one to expect words from DH, I failed to see his actions in the same light. That moment he opened up and exposed his feelings through words, I started to understand. He assumed the actions he did were the words that spoke volumes to me and his family, but I failed to see the meaning. Obviously, a classic lack of communication that I have heard that makes marriages fail. Fortunately, DH and I are stubborn enough to tough it out. Believe me, we had a moment where we would have parted ways. It was discussed, but luckily we decided to try harder and do better. So far, we are at 21 years and still trudging along together.
I guess that there comes a time when something so small becomes the catalyst that expands the vision we so desperately need to continue forward. While most may see that speaking of feelings is small in the grand view of things, it is huge when it comes to DH and myself. Sure, I can blog my feelings, but I will admit I am not the best at "talking" feelings. Probably because I fear hurting someone else's feelings. I don't want that ability to shoot first and worry about the damage later. I am not so painfully self-righteous that I treat everyone in my path as a moron lacking common sense. I am aware that my views on things are different than some, and sometimes different than most, but I never felt it is necessary to cram my opinions down the throats of every person I come across. Hell, I have never targeted a single person with disdain because I am not their biggest fan. I refuse to argue over trivial crap just to prove a point. I guess that is why I choose to put my head down and take my lashings, but there are times I do try to stand up for what I believe in or believe is right. I don't see myself as weak, I see myself as tired. But when I hear words of feelings that support me and the efforts I put forth... I feel validated.
For years, I felt unappreciated for all that I do. The sacrifices I make for my family not being validated has been my anchor. Unbeknownst to me, the same feelings existed inside DH. While what he believed was what a marriage was all about, did not register to what my views have been, and for years we have been at an impasse. Both silently fighting without a word being spoken. Sure there have been outbursts here and there. Mostly about trivial crap that repeats itself a few times before something is said. Still, this silent argument will continue because we are now at a point that we are taking things for granted again, but the argument has weakened some because we had a moment that placed a spotlight where we needed it to be. Highlighting that we have our own set of actions that does say that we do really care and love one another.
I am in no way saying what we have in our marriage is perfect. There are times I wonder what goes through DH's head sometimes. I wonder what his upbringing has taught him to believe in some of the actions, or non-actions, taken are considered appropriate. What is thought of as "normal" expectations of family. I would assume the same goes for me when DH wonders why I do the things I do.
I have a fairly recent event that proves that DH and I were raised differently. Almost a month ago, I tripped down the bottom of my stairs on a dog toy and hurt my foot and ankle. As I was crying at the bottom of the stairs, swearing up a blue streak, DH's only comment at first was... "You okay?" With my colorfully worded reply of "no", all he could say is, "what do you want me to do about it?".. Really???? An ice pack would be nice. Maybe an offer to take me to the doctor to get it checked out? Nope. Just shouting stupid questions from the comfort of his damn chair is what I get. I wonder if his mother was the only caregiver in the family. No judging here, but maybe it is just a guy thing because I do not recall my dad offering medical assistance to my mom if she hurt herself. It is possible that boys and men cornered the market on being taken care of instead of being caregivers. I can only assume the exception to the rule is male doctors because it is their profession to be a caregiver, but not exactly in the capacity of a woman, though. I just find it odd that there has always been an imbalance of sorts. Of course, if DH fell down the steps.... one of two things would happen.... 1. He would act like he is dying, or 2. He would grit his teeth and "walk it off" to prove a point how tough he is. I can say this.... the pain level is the deciding factor and DH is stubborn enough to avoid the doctor. Could be a third option, come to think of it.... He could do both 1 and 2 while arguing that he does not need to see a doctor. Totally frustrating when he does that, but I would not be rolling my eyes while I try to be helpful like he was.
I guess what I am getting at is communication is hard and the way people communicate does become easier once you pay attention to the little things because it is those little things that can shine a bright light on something you are lacking to see. Actions do speak volumes if you are willing to listen with your eyes from time to time. Be aware, try to understand, and if you need to hear the words... all you need to do is ask. Sure, it may sound needy to ask for validation, but those that truly love you will not see it as weakness, but as strength to acquire it. Sure, there is another edge to the sword that is the opposite, but life is like that.... in order to feel love, you need to experience heartbreak... in order to be understood, you need to find a way to express yourself that makes sense.... in order to to have balance, you need to give and receive. Life is messy, complicated and painful at times, but it can be wonderful, too. It all boils down to choices. You can choose to focus on the negatives or you can choose to find the positives
I guess that there comes a time when something so small becomes the catalyst that expands the vision we so desperately need to continue forward. While most may see that speaking of feelings is small in the grand view of things, it is huge when it comes to DH and myself. Sure, I can blog my feelings, but I will admit I am not the best at "talking" feelings. Probably because I fear hurting someone else's feelings. I don't want that ability to shoot first and worry about the damage later. I am not so painfully self-righteous that I treat everyone in my path as a moron lacking common sense. I am aware that my views on things are different than some, and sometimes different than most, but I never felt it is necessary to cram my opinions down the throats of every person I come across. Hell, I have never targeted a single person with disdain because I am not their biggest fan. I refuse to argue over trivial crap just to prove a point. I guess that is why I choose to put my head down and take my lashings, but there are times I do try to stand up for what I believe in or believe is right. I don't see myself as weak, I see myself as tired. But when I hear words of feelings that support me and the efforts I put forth... I feel validated.
For years, I felt unappreciated for all that I do. The sacrifices I make for my family not being validated has been my anchor. Unbeknownst to me, the same feelings existed inside DH. While what he believed was what a marriage was all about, did not register to what my views have been, and for years we have been at an impasse. Both silently fighting without a word being spoken. Sure there have been outbursts here and there. Mostly about trivial crap that repeats itself a few times before something is said. Still, this silent argument will continue because we are now at a point that we are taking things for granted again, but the argument has weakened some because we had a moment that placed a spotlight where we needed it to be. Highlighting that we have our own set of actions that does say that we do really care and love one another.
I am in no way saying what we have in our marriage is perfect. There are times I wonder what goes through DH's head sometimes. I wonder what his upbringing has taught him to believe in some of the actions, or non-actions, taken are considered appropriate. What is thought of as "normal" expectations of family. I would assume the same goes for me when DH wonders why I do the things I do.
I have a fairly recent event that proves that DH and I were raised differently. Almost a month ago, I tripped down the bottom of my stairs on a dog toy and hurt my foot and ankle. As I was crying at the bottom of the stairs, swearing up a blue streak, DH's only comment at first was... "You okay?" With my colorfully worded reply of "no", all he could say is, "what do you want me to do about it?".. Really???? An ice pack would be nice. Maybe an offer to take me to the doctor to get it checked out? Nope. Just shouting stupid questions from the comfort of his damn chair is what I get. I wonder if his mother was the only caregiver in the family. No judging here, but maybe it is just a guy thing because I do not recall my dad offering medical assistance to my mom if she hurt herself. It is possible that boys and men cornered the market on being taken care of instead of being caregivers. I can only assume the exception to the rule is male doctors because it is their profession to be a caregiver, but not exactly in the capacity of a woman, though. I just find it odd that there has always been an imbalance of sorts. Of course, if DH fell down the steps.... one of two things would happen.... 1. He would act like he is dying, or 2. He would grit his teeth and "walk it off" to prove a point how tough he is. I can say this.... the pain level is the deciding factor and DH is stubborn enough to avoid the doctor. Could be a third option, come to think of it.... He could do both 1 and 2 while arguing that he does not need to see a doctor. Totally frustrating when he does that, but I would not be rolling my eyes while I try to be helpful like he was.
I guess what I am getting at is communication is hard and the way people communicate does become easier once you pay attention to the little things because it is those little things that can shine a bright light on something you are lacking to see. Actions do speak volumes if you are willing to listen with your eyes from time to time. Be aware, try to understand, and if you need to hear the words... all you need to do is ask. Sure, it may sound needy to ask for validation, but those that truly love you will not see it as weakness, but as strength to acquire it. Sure, there is another edge to the sword that is the opposite, but life is like that.... in order to feel love, you need to experience heartbreak... in order to be understood, you need to find a way to express yourself that makes sense.... in order to to have balance, you need to give and receive. Life is messy, complicated and painful at times, but it can be wonderful, too. It all boils down to choices. You can choose to focus on the negatives or you can choose to find the positives
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