There are some days I feel that there is a huge target on my back, telling people to kick me down. I am not all that certain why I feel this way, but I have noticed a pattern I need to break or I will become another statistic. Trust me, what I mean by "statistic" is just another person labeled depressed. Not suicidal. Thus today's blog.
I fully understand that people can get depressed from time to time. That feeling of being "down in the dumps" is what comes to mind. As described in multiple viewings of what depression is, I believe that everyone is depressed from time to time. That lack of desire to do things once enjoyed seems to be the main component in deciphering if you are depressed or not. Of course, there are the feelings of worthlessness, the desire to stay in bed, crying jags, weight gain/loss, and as I could go on and on with the other factors considered, I would like to try to explain how I am feeling. Obviously, with hopes that I can get out of this "funk" I have been in for quite a while.
On the surface, I am a happy person with a sense of humor. A sarcastic one at that. This is what I allow people to see. Unbeknownst to everyone, I feel trapped, silenced into submission that my fears, my sadness, my frustrations hold zero validity in being discussed with anyone. Especially, those I have chosen to share my deepest feelings.
As I tend to be more of an empathetic soul, I tend to do more and ask less. A problem solver that strives to make people feel better and be happier. Case in point, my husband. While I am aware that my husband is just like me (happy on the outside, troubled on the inside), he has managed to break free from the crushing feeling by talking to me about his feelings. Sometimes, I try to offer some sage advice that I have been given, but he shuts me out. A recent complaint about work had me figuratively swatted on my nose with a newspaper when I offered my opinion. I was only trying to offer a different perspective to diffuse the situation, but I have been told that it is "none of my business", and "I have no clue what I am talking about". I can only gather that he wanted to vent and did not ask for help from me, but it was done in a manner of which I believed he wanted feedback, empathy, or to bounce around some ideas to fix the problem. The backlash I received was just another notch in the feeling of worthlessness column.
Being aware that people can be stressed at times, I tend to try to help where help is not asked for. Case in point, my daughter. She happens to have a lot on her plate with being a young mom, a part time college student and a part time worker at a local grocery store. Being as smart as she is, she is in some difficult classes that have high expectations. All I was trying to do was help her be more organized so it would be easier for her when it comes to the demands of time constraints. Running around, looking for things only adds more stress to a stressful situation. Being organized is a way to keep chaos in check and offer a little comfort of the mind that you know where everything is. From planning the next day the night before makes a smoother flow of the day, thus not frazzling your nerves trying to figure out simple things like what to wear, to what to pack for lunch, to having all the necessary papers for class. The only rule that ever stuck with her was to get homework done when you get home and then do other things more fun afterwards. At least, your time is better managed that you are not up all night or scrambling to get the assignments done in the morning they are due. While my daughter is a lot like me, she is just as confrontational as her father when I try to help. Is it wrong for a mother to offer helpful hints when everything seems so crazy? As she is a sensitive soul, like me, she seems to be so sensitive that she shuts me out of having real conversations. Yet again, another notch in feeling worthless.
Not trying to place blame on anyone, but there are times I feel the need to talk. I have concerns that are real to me, but in the eyes of others, they are nothing but nuisances and stuff I just need to "get over". In fact, I am accused to being constantly plagued with things I need to "get over". That feeling that I am drowning in anxious thoughts, and disappointment.
This past year has been filled with doctor appointments and tests. Tests that I have avoided for a while. Turning 50 has not felt like the new 30's as some people like to claim. Especially for women. Between the annual mammogram, pap smear, and physical, you would think that is enough for a person, but once 50 rolls around, there are bone density tests, eye exams, colonoscopies, endoscopes, EKG's, and so on. Feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof stops when your mortality rests upon preventative tests to stay alive. Fear of the "C - word" takes center stage. We all would like to remain blissfully unaware of our demise, but there are some that are better than others at dealing with mortality fears than others. I am not one of them. Just the thought of what may or may not happen plagues me daily. Some days, it is fairly easy to brush these fears off, but there are some days I really need someone to talk me down from the figurative ledge. This is where I feel lost because when I reach out for someone to talk to about my fears, I am ridiculed for my feelings. I am told that everyone doesn't need to hear how I am feeling. Nobody cares that I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin in fear. That everyone else made it through whatever I went through just fine. That worrying about the "what ifs" and the "what could be's" is a waste of energy. To just "get over myself" and forget that grain of sand in my path. Just so you know... grains of sand do accumulate if there is nothing to stop them from accumulating.
As I would like to share a little more thought, I hear DH getting restless. It is grocery shopping day and I need to get the list made and the planned meals of the week approved by the PEPIMHC (Picky Eating People In My House Committee). If you are interested in reading more of this topic and my hopeful finding of a solution... stay tuned. I will write more later.
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