Rational thoughts.....

Life is filled with choices.  Go left, go right, go forward and go backward.... Heck, we can go sideways as well as go in circles.  It is what we choose to do that becomes a life lesson.  We all take the time to think about our next move in life.  Especially, when that next move is necessary.  Should I stay or should I go is what we see choices as.  Stay the course with a little adjustment or to change the path completely.

Months ago, I was personally attacked for sharing my own thought process through blogging.  Being told that my thoughts could affect the dynamic of family and those closest to me.  What I found interesting is that for years I was told that sharing thoughts is a form of growth.  A humbling experience to share instead of hide behind the smile, but with that ability to take the initiative to figuratively open my mouth and blog my thoughts has managed to create drama where there should not be.  While taking the time to step back from the slings and arrows of harsh opinions, I noticed something very disturbing..... I was allowing someone that appears to have the intent of doing harm to my happiness dictate how I should be living.  I really have no clue why this person has such hatred flowing through their veins, but that hatred and desire to never be challenged almost took away my freedom of expression.  After much thought, I decided that the opinions of one bitter individual should not hamper the ability for me to grow.

I have witnessed on more than a dozen occasions that people are allowing negative thought dictate their happiness.  From one person telling me that she refuses to smile because she thinks her teeth are not pretty enough, to another hiding her confidence under baggy clothes because her body does not look thin like the models on the magazine covers.  Heck, even I allowed someone so bitter and unhappy in their life dictate that I should never share my thoughts through blogging.  That damned microscope of what should be seen as perfect, dictating that people need to hide from living a remotely happy existence.  Finding our own happiness is a journey best taken alone, but better if taken with someone empathetic.  That is why people try so hard to be accepted, but fear dictates our inability to move forward.

I was a semi-regular blogger.  I shared my thoughts because I chose to.  Never once was there any intention to hurt anyone, but there was a person hell-bent on hurting me.  They almost did it, but I decided to take a step back and reevaluate things.  Understanding that when something is shared on this blog, I am sharing openly to the world that chooses to read it.  The operative word here is.... CHOOSE TO.  I have a choice to share and those that read it choose to do so.  They have a right to agree or disagree, they have a choice to relate or not, they have a choice to appreciate feeling not alone or they can critique me, and they can appreciate seeing a different point of view of things or they can sling hate at me for their own gain.  So, after doing some serious soul searching and thinking.... I chose to write again.  No guarantees of what or when I will write, but my promise is to be truthful to who I am and what I am feeling.  If you can relate to it.... great.  If not.... you have every right to not.  What I do ask is to understand that while I try to write my feelings as clearly as I can, to not pick apart and twist things into an ugly light.  If you are to get anything from this blog it is a sense of feeling that you are not alone in this big world out there.

Sadly, my shared thoughts through blogging has created some drama where there should not be.  There are some people that make it their job to dissect, twist, and micromanage others while shining a less than positive light.  Their joy is in the misery of others.  The crushing of someone's happiness is what fuels them to push harder... to attack in such a way that it has potential to hurt a person.  There are no marks on the skin because it is not a physical blow, but one that hurts the spirit of a person.  Destroys their confidence... makes them question everything they want or need to do.  In fact, offers zero guidance in how to move forward, but definitely sets them backwards.  Kind of like telling a person that they are fat and disgusting, thinking it will inspire that person to lose weight, but in all honesty it sets them backwards in the confidence to better themselves.  Creating self hate and a self destructive behavior.  Like telling someone that they cannot love who they are unless they fit in a box that is unattainable.  Sure, we all will try to make ourselves fix in these boxes, but what should be done is to get a different box that better fits who we are instead of what others think we should be.  Sadly, in order to be accepting of others, we need to feel empathy for who we are.  We need to stop setting ourselves up for failure from the start.  We need to love who we are now in order to love who we aim to become, but we also need to be reasonable that not everyone needs to be a carbon copy of who we are.  It all falls in the category of stones being thrown at glass houses and taking the time to really look in the mirror before judging.  If someone feels that they are far too superior for the likes of the masses and feels compelled to judge others.... well.... it definitely sets them up for a very lonely existence.  It is their lack of empathy that makes them bitter and angry at the world.... it is their cross to bear when they need the understanding of another and find out that there is nobody willing to offer their support.  As for me?  I choose to have empathy and understanding.  Am I perfect?  No.  I have flaws... many flaws, but making a rational thought to choose to change the course is what should matter.  Will it be successful?  It could be, but it just might not.  In order to truly know is to at least try and see.  If it doesn't work out, we have other choices we can try.

Just remember.... Failure only happens when we stop trying.  Of course, not everything will be successful in life, either.  Especially, when trying to change something that has an equal or greater force to not change.  I have been barking up that tree for a long time now.  That is when we need to be reasonable in the expectations and do only your best.... one person cannot change the world.  We would love to, but it won't.  It takes working with what you have to carve out your own place and to be rational to those that oppose.  This blog may seem like that figurative one-finger salute to those that want to knock me down, but it is really just me sharing some thought... being true to who I am.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Thinking things through...

I know that I said that I was going to end this blog, but this is something that I needed to think out loud about.....  No need to over-analyze my thoughts on this one.  I am doing a bang-up job all on my own.

Over the past few months, I have felt that I was under attack from all aspects of my life.  While it is painfully obvious that everyone has issues with family, friends, work and whatnot.... I know that my issues are not all that special, nor seem so difficult to overcome in the eyes of others.  With the saying, "it is easier said than done", definitely comes to mind when I am thinking these things through.  Believe me... I have said this to myself numerous times and I still have put up hurdles to overcome just to take that first step.  Big, intimidating hurdles.

I guess I need to tackle these hurdles one by one.....

I believe I have my family issue under control.  I have noticed a calm in that storm, and what a relief that is.  As certain as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West where I am from.... there will always be a potential for more waves and ebbs to come.  That is what life with family is all about.

Knowledge is key when it comes to the change of life.  Menopause is no walk in the park and there is a serious lack of rainbows and unicorns on that path, but being aware definitely makes a difference.  I am not all that certain that what is shared on the internet is all etched in stone fact.  There are so many variances in information that I seem to just take things in stride.  Not all that certain that my stride is all that effective, but I have been doing my best and that should count, right?

Sadly, I have not been as social as I would like.  Most likely because I am a bit afraid of a misstep in that taking things in stride thing I have going on.  I somehow tend to prefer hiding in my house with my Kindle in my hand and a book to read.  I am hoping that since this is the beginning of 2017, I can rectify that in the next few months or so.  At least when the weather is a bit warmer.  Hopefully, not too warm because these hot flashes are just awful.

Now, I need to "think out loud" my current set of hurdles and these seem to be those big, intimidating ones I mentioned earlier.....

To simply state that I am not happy at my place of employment just does not seem to be enough.  While I have been thrown into the most childish of games (intentionally or not), I have lost my desire to stay working at the place I have been at for a little over two years.  I am stressed, frustrated, and saddened that I need to find a new place to work.  I had high hopes that I could call this the one place I could work at until retirement, or until I attain my ultimate goal of having my own little piece of space to call mine and only mine (to rent a salon suite and be my own boss).  In order to reach that level of being my own boss, I need to build a loyal clientele.  In recent events of a cut rate salon opening a mere two blocks from where I work has been a major hit in customer flow.  Especially, when their grand opening special was for haircuts costing $2.99.  In this economic smack-down, $2.99 is more appealing than the amount I charge for my services.  Being roughly 30 years in the business, I worked hard to achieve the level that I am at.  Now, this place has managed to raise their prices to $14.99 over the past few months, but this special was done over the Christmas holiday season and it made a serious dent in my earning potential since I am not paid an hourly wage.  Being strictly commission base paid.... it is quite painful watching your client base go down the street.  Of course, I cannot forget the underhanded acts in my own place of work for these past two years.  At first, I was not under attack in this cutthroat salon.  I understand that there is some level of being cutthroat in a commission salon, but when the cross-hairs were settled on me..... all I can say is that I am too nice for my line of work.  Especially, since the attack these certain people have is well honed in such a way that a nice person, like myself, is conned to believe that things will get better and to just keep trying.

I have seen, with my own eyes, the actions of these people taking and not caring, but having the audacity to accuse me of being a client stealing sack of (expletive).  To hear a change in their welcoming tone and demeanor to something cold and unwelcoming.  To play mind games of guilt to their benefit and have zero regard for people to have a choice.  I have refused to play these games and I allow people to have the freedom to choose, but to witness the backstabbing that happens to others... suddenly happening to me is a painful thing to see.

What makes this worse is the lies to keep people at arms length.  To be the central friend to all in a sea of friend/enemies (fren-emies).  Watching the fren-emies circle each other and play nice on the surface, but secretly be shooting daggers in the other's back is not a healthy environment to be in.  In respect of where this is happening in a professional environment makes it even harder to overcome the toxicity that thrives within.  What is even more sad is the desire to believe in the lies presented, especially when the one lying pulls back and does something nice for you. One nice act should not erase the pain, but I have allowed little tidbits of kindness keep me in a place that is slowly killing the work I love to do and I fear that it is affecting my abilities.

This pseudo-friendship being held together with lies and mind games is what has pushed me to look for a new place to work.  Knowing that I should have done this probably a year ago, I still feel physically sick over this.  And because I waited this long to make a move, I have a serious side order of uncertainty to deal with.  Uncertain that I am making the right choice to where I am going.  I cannot afford to be my own boss in all aspects, but I do handle a lot of things on my own as if I am my own boss.  The uncertainty is from not knowing what I will be facing at my new place of employment.  Sure, people can be nice at the start, but people can also be of a fickle mind.  How do I handle the uncertainty?  I figured that I just have to face it like everyone else does.  Life is not perfect.  All that should be expected of me is to keep my head down and do the best work I can do. learn to gain more knowledge, and remain true to the nice person that I am.

While it is easy to write my thoughts, it is still going to be difficult to overcome those hurdles of not wanting to hurt anyone when I make changes that are necessary for me.  To let go of the pain from things that have happened in the past and look forward with a positive attitude that it will all turn out for the best in the end.  To overcome the nagging doubts in my head is the biggest one that seems to encompass all these feelings that have made me so sad.

I know..... I know.... easier said (or even written) than done.

I guess on a brighter note.... This change is going to be a good thing.  Most of the clients I have called are happy to follow me to the new place I am going to work at, in fact, they are thrilled.  Sadly, I have lost some before I could make the call to notify them of the change.  Hopefully, this new place will bring new opportunities for me.  I have put in one day there to see how it feels and I have to say.... it feels like I am making the right choice.  Everyone there seems really nice and are excited to have me start soon.  It felt like a welcoming hug when I was there and that should be a good sign, right?

Last blog....

It has come to my attention that judgement has been passed yet again.  Sharing MY OWN PERSONAL thoughts is WRONG.  That whatever I write about will get scrutinized to a point that other people that I do not name, nor do I tell anyone anything of importance about is going to be affected.  That my own personal observations are completely incorrect and that I am lying about my own personal feelings.  Heck, what I think about myself or remember in this journey that I call life is hurting everyone in my family and they are not the wiser about it (or so as I have been told).  That there are actual people that will take a thought of one person and twist it into something that it is not.  Or to take a figure of speech so literally that I am so incredibly wrong that I should be drawn and quartered.

As I try to figure out how to cut myself completely out of every avenue of existence via social media, I am also making this very public announcement.........

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY THAT SHARING MY THOUGHTS HAS CREATED SUCH AGONY WITH MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES, AND COMPLETE STRANGERS.  I APOLOGIZE FOR THE VERY SMALL CHANCE THAT MY THOUGHTS WOULD MAKE ANY OF YOU THINK THAT I AM TARNISHING YOUR REPUTATION, DAMAGING CREDIBILITY, OR SOCIETAL STANDING.  I AM SORRY IF THERE ARE OTHERS IN THIS WORLD WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CREATE A CONNECT THE DOTS STORY FROM THE THOUGHTS THAT I CHOSE TO SHARE.  I AM SORRY THAT I AM NOT ONE THAT BELIEVES IN CREATING A PERFECT PICTURE THAT PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT I AM SO INCREDIBLE THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE IS A FAIRY-TALE.  I AM SORRY THAT FREE THOUGHT CAME WITH SUCH REPERCUSSIONS TO ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH ME, OR EVEN MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME FROM AFAR.  I WILL FOREVER BE IN YOUR DEBT IF I CAN BE FORGIVEN AND WHEN YOU HAVE THE COMPULSION TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING TO JUST NOT BOTHER ASKING ME.  WHO KNOWS.... I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A THOUGHT THAT WILL SOMEHOW DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S FUTURE, REGARDLESS IF IT HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM BECAUSE..... YOU KNOW..... THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT MAKE IT THEIR LIFE'S AMBITION TO TWIST WORDS, THOUGHTS, AND ACTIONS IN A WAY TO CREATE A TORRENTIAL SHIT-STORM OF UNNECESSARY DRAMA, FINGER POINTING, AND SHAME-BLAMING.  HOW DARE I TRY TO THINK FOR MYSELF AND ACTUALLY DO THE ONE THING I WAS TAUGHT AS A CHILD.... TO SHARE.  I GUESS THERE IS A LIMIT TO WHAT I AM ALLOWED TO SHARE AND TO WHOM I SHARE WITH.  I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FREE THOUGHT, NOR AM I ALLOWED TO EVEN BE UNDERSTOOD THROUGH ASKING FURTHER CLARIFICATION.  JUST GO AHEAD AND BLAME ME BECAUSE, HEY, I AM THE PERFECT PERSON TO BLAME.

Once I give this post a little time to be seen, I am going to delete my blog account.  I am in the process of trying to delete my social media account so these people that claim to be so affected by my thoughts that had nothing to do with them and those that feel it is their job in life to pass judgement on me personally, won't feel the sting of just being blocked from my social media account by "unfriending" them.  I have decided to just stop being on that social site at all.  Sadly, my friends that supported me through my journey will be cut off in the process.  Sorry, I just don't have it in me to hen-peck who my friends are anymore and I really do not want another phone call, asking me why they were "unfriended" from my Facebook account, so I am just ripping off the whole bandage.  Take it personally or not, it is what I have to do.

Farewell readers of my blog.

The battle has begun..... again....

Years ago, I experienced something that changed me in a way that while I am the same person on the outside.... I am a different person on the inside.

I am one, of many that suffer from anxiety attacks.  I know I am not alone, but in all honesty, I really feel.... alone.

Anxiety is, in the lamest of terms, an extreme attack of the mind filled with panic.  Panic of the unknown for unknown reasons.  It is difficult to get a person to understand that while there are stressful or frustrating times in your life... that it is not those situations that create these attacks.  Sure, they may have a little truth in being a cause, but it is not the reason for them to happen.  A person that suffers this disorder can be thinking of absolutely nothing or only on one task and there is a sudden feel of loss of control.  The symptoms usually vary, but the resulting effect is the same... fear.  That adrenaline rush to the body simply from the mind triggering reactions that really do not have a reason, but to just happen.  Here is my story.....  (The shortest version that I can think of)

A little over 18 years ago, I had my first panic attack.  I never had one before, so I had no clue that this was the beginning of a lifelong battle.  I was a mile from the church, on my way to get married.  As with any bride to be, I had my concerns and I worried over just about everything, but I had hope that whatever obstacle came my way, that it could be dealt with.  Really.... Nobody's wedding ever goes perfect.  There is always a snag or an issue.  It creates something memorable of the day.  Most events become funny anecdotes later in life, but my timeline started there.  I will say this.... I remember what I felt and it was not those happy flutters of excitement of getting married.  It was downright scary!  Feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest, cutting off my breathing.  The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that made me feel like I was about to collapse at any minute.  The rapid heartbeat that pounded in my ears, at such a frantic pace that I thought my heart was going to stop beating from being overexerted.  It was quite overwhelming when it hit so suddenly and quite confusing when it stopped so suddenly.  As fast as it hit... I was feeling like it never happened when it ended.

I did my best to forget about it and I was actually fine for a while.... A week, to be exact.  I had another attack.  I was driving to work.  I was on the expressway and had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so bad, that my fingers curled on their own accord.  Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw a very pale and glazed over look in my eyes.  I stepped out of my car and flagged down someone to help me.  Fortunately, someone did stop and called for an ambulance.  By the time the ambulance arrived, I was feeling better and ready to just send them away to let me continue driving to work.  Of course, that is not allowed and DH had to make arrangements to get my car off the side of the expressway and back home.  I do remember having these feelings on my way to my wedding and told the ER doctors to check me over.  They found nothing and sent me home with the suggestion of breathing in a paper bag the next time I start to hyperventilate.  Still, I had no definitive answers to what was wrong with me.

I was attack free for three days.  It seemed that these frantic attacks with no apparent reason were getting more and more frequent.  By the end of the third week since my first attack, I made an appointment to see the doctor.  These "attacks" were starting to happen multiple times a day and if the doctor can see what is happening.... then maybe I will get answers to what is happening to me and make it stop.

While filling out the required paperwork for seeing a new doctor, I was hit with another attack.  The doctor and nurses practically carried me into an exam room and the doctor checked me over from top to bottom.  I even had an EKG to make sure my heart was alright.  OF course, in hindsight, she already knew what was wrong with me.  I was suffering panic attacks and seemed to be in the category of "generalized anxiety disorder".  She sat down and really talked to me.  Asked me questions about what I am going through... Beginning with my wedding day and getting to that day.  There appeared to be a lot going on, but in my opinion.... not enough to see myself as being stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown.

With this being said, I was given a prescription of Xanax to get some control back in my life.  I was told that this medication is highly addictive.  Knowing that I have a family history of having addiction tendencies, I made a pact that once I get these attacks under control, I was going to get myself off these pills and learn how to cope without taking pills.  My determination and resolve to read as much as I can, helped me find a method that worked for me.  After being on pills for about three months, I stopped taking them and put my theories to the test and I became able to handle my panic attacks without pills for a little over 17 years.  

That is when I learned that it is not the stress that can make a person break.  It is the continual dealing with stressful situations that can create chemical imbalances in the mind.  With these imbalances, it creates a sense of panic and fear, but with no real reasoning behind it.  Once it starts, it does become a lifelong battle.  Some people require medications to help calm the triggered nervous system.  Can be long term or short term, but those affected are more prone to have repeat occurrences with no explanation to the cause.  Makes it really hard to explain to someone that while we are all strong of mind, there are opportunities that can trigger strong emotional reactions.  Sure, most people can handle these situations and not have a label placed upon them, but it is becoming more and more commonplace to hear that the mind, an ever changing and growing part of a person, become altered emotionally.  It is, in no way of saying that there is some genetic mutation that makes people clinically depressed or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  It just happens, but it does not make these people damaged.  Just in need of understanding in a situation that cannot be understood by the person suffering.

I am, in no means an expert on the subject.  I have read a lot of articles about panic attacks.  I have personally experienced them.  I just do not have answers when people ask me why I am panicking.  What I do know is what I feel.  I have no doubt that there are others that suffer in silence like I do.  We look calm on the outside, but on the inside is a totally different story.  The increased heartbeat that we can hear in our ears, the feeling of something heavy on our chest to where it feels like taking a breath is a struggle.  The heaviness in the arms like there are weights strapped on our hands.  The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that is convincing enough to believe that you are going to face-plant the floor at any moment.  That feeling of fear that you are going to die and the fear of making a spectacle of yourself in public.  The inner shaking spells that feel like you are on shaky ground, but on the outside.... you don't see a tremor.  The mind is racing about varying scenarios, trying to find the reason this is happening and squash it like a bug, but not being able to pinpoint a reason.  That feeling of confusion and frustration that there is no way to stop it, but enduring the discomfort alone because if I can't explain it to myself.... how can someone else understand it.

Well, as I said earlier.... I was given Xanax to control these attacks because I needed time to learn how to create a skill set to dealing with them.  With that almost 17 year run of handling these attacks, I felt the control start to slip a couple of weeks ago.  I am letting small things affect me in a big way and that is not healthy.  Responsibilities at home, at work, for my family and even for myself have been putting a huge strain on me.  In all honesty, I have been handling everything just fine, but suddenly everything just became too overwhelming and I am back to taking those darned pills.  I am not happy about this, but I am feeling a sense of relief that these life-altering attacks are getting under control again.  This is the start of day number four and my attacks have diminished enough that I had a reasonably panic free day yesterday.  What I feared would be a three-a-day dosing is only one pill a day and I take that at night.  Knowing that I am not fully out of the woods just yet.... freeing myself from the constant underlying fear of an attack... I have hope that I can get my life back on track.  The battle with anxiety is a lifelong one, but for those that suffer in silence with me.... I understand your pain and I have faith that we all will win the battle for a panic free day that can stretch out to a panic free week, to a panic free month, to a panic free year, and so on.

Thanks for reading!  Have a great day...

just thinking out loud....

I guess I am one of those people.  One of those people that lacks the ability to think for only their needs and stomp on the jugular of others that refuse to jump to do their bidding or do so to climb to the top.  In other words.... I am a nice person... to the core.... I am so flipping reasonably nice.  And with that increased compassionately nice person that I happen to be... I am overly sensitive.  Sure, I can blame this recent enlightenment to the dreaded M-word that also plagues me with hot flashes, but I truly believe that this nagging need to be so nice towards others is going to be the death of me!

For the past few weeks, heck, months, I have been doing my best to be reasonable.  Considerate of others feelings that I suppress my not so positive attitude.  Yep, flying in the cockpit of the malfunctioning hormonal plane from Menopausal Airlines is.... my "B-card".  I am not saying that I am always the nicest person you will ever come across.  There are times when I have had to use that dreaded B-card to get my point across.  Of course, the only times I actually pulled out that vicious card is in times of extreme need to come out swinging.  Usually in times when I was standing up for someone else, but I have been known to be one nasty piece of work when it is activated.  Somehow, that lack of use of my B-card managed to let that nasty have some time to stew and marinate into something far bigger and meaner than I could ever imagine.  It is literally clawing its way to the surface and with each slash of it's sharp talons... it is hurting me both mentally and physically.

With splitting headaches, sour stomach, body aches and pains.... it hits fast and furious.  My nice tendencies are getting a beating every time I open my eyes.  Sleep has been less than optimal.  Back spasms that used to be almost set by a clock (usually happens around 3 in the morning), is now happening at completely unexpected times.  Pain across my chest is bringing on the dreaded panic attacks that I thought were under control.  Muscle cramps in my legs lasting far longer than the few minutes of pain into a 14 hour marathon of agony, along with a side of teetering on the threat of another cramp just under the surface.  All it takes is one little stretch and I am back at square one.

While I would love to share this experience in a more verbal sense, I am reminded that I am surrounded with those other people that just don't give a flying fig about my agony.  In fact, some of their actions (or better yet... non-actions), are pouring gasoline on an already blazing inferno that lies within me.  Especially, when the dreaded anxiety and panic attacks hit me like a truck going 50mph into a steel-enforced brick wall head-on.

If you are ever wondering what a panic attack is like for me.... here it is in a nutshell...

I could be having a remotely good day and suddenly there is a crushing feeling in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe.  I feel dizzy and lightheaded.  There are aches and pains that radiate from my chest, to my neck, shoulders and down both arms.  These aches are dull in nature.  Like things fell asleep without that pins and needles feeling attached.  First thought is heart attack.  My head starts to pound like there is a migraine coming and a sour stomach feeling is starting to brew.  All I want to do is be in a safe place to die if my feelings are true and this is a heart attack or stroke about to hit.  I think about my family and worry about DD.  I silently plead with God for another day.

When I mention a safe place to die, I am talking about being at home.  When I am at home, no matter how water damaged it is at the moment, or how messy it is.... I seem to calm down just enough to get past the panic.  You see, panic attacks and anxiety are centered upon control.  The loss of control causes panic, the feeling of control eases the tension.  I am not all that certain why being at home helps me feel control, but realizing that home is the one place I am familiar enough with seems to help somehow.  Could be a shame thing.  Come to think about it.... making others uncomfortable is probably why I would prefer to go home to collect myself.  Less strangers watching and all that seems to be why.

When these effects seem to settle down, I am back to my normal self.  Maybe a little shaken over it, but I am back to being okay.  I'll have a few body aches from tensing up, but my mind stops racing, my pulse slows down and my breathing is back to a normal rate.  While these panic attacks are unpredictable, I usually handle them on my own.  I tried to ask for DH to help me talk them down in the past, but calls to his work are just a one way ticket to getting yelled at and his form of a pep talk of to "suck it up and get over yourself".  All that tough love has managed me to not rely upon my spouse for support and it is not DD's job to help her mother put herself back together after falling apart so abruptly.  I could turn to my mother, but she seems to have the same mentality as DH and makes it even harder to relax.  My father is dead, my brother is hard to find and my sisters are quite possibly even harder to find in times of need.  Of course, one of my sisters is a nurse and she would give me the most clinical of responses of seeing a doctor and get medicated for it.  Believe me.... I went down that road and I did not like the feeling those drugs made me feel.  Especially, when you are not in a panicked state.  Sure, if I was to panic and know when it would happen.... I could probably take a pill to counter the effects, but anxiety and panic attacks do not come with a schedule or a standard set of events to tell you otherwise.  Some days it can be as simple as a back spasm that does not want to quit, or a muscle cramp in my leg that remains just calm enough to be tolerable, but if I was to stretch just so....

In all honesty, I have considered to go back to daily medications because I have learned that stress can be a factor in creating anxiety/panic attacks.  My tried and true method of diffusing the situation through distraction, diversion and redirection is not working.  Heck, embracing the ultimate fear that seems to be in the center of these attacks (the fear of death), seems to not stop these events from hitting me from out of the blue.  I can say that almost 18 years of living without anxiety medications is pretty good, but I just don't know if I have the strength in me to make it another 18 years.  I was really hoping that I could muscle through this dreaded trip on the M-train.  Heck, I have handled most of it on my own so far.  The hot flashes are uncomfortable, but I have managed them.  The mood swings are another beast that I am struggling with, but with keeping my distance, it seems to be working on diminishing the drama.  I do what is expected of me and then I go hide in another room for the duration.  My outgoing personality at work has been crushed, but I do manage to keep the quality in my work at a high level.  I just keep to myself while I am there and no longer really interact with my coworkers.  Those sneaky, underhanded attempts at poaching clients and the games the drama makers are playing are still going on, but my distance from them seems to look like I have risen above the BS.  It still hurts that there are truly vindictive people out there that have a goal to hurt me, but I am at such a level of pain that I just don't care about about the games being played.  Anxiety and depression have a way of traveling in pairs these days, but I have that smiley face sign like those commercials in my hand and nobody is the wiser.  I guess the reason why I am still reluctant of seeing the doctor and getting medicated is that my perpetual living in denial that everything is okay regardless of the misery will open the curtains to what is making me so miserable and just increase the knowledge of it.  I can't change people with their intentions and what is the purpose?  Changing myself is not going to make them change, too.  I guess my consideration of going to the doctor is to make what I am feeling a little less intense.  I just hoped that I could do this without spending for a copay to see a professional and paying for a drug to alter me.  I am still that nice person.  Just a little broken.

The system.....

It is well known that there is a system in place for everything and that system is designed to never be on your side.  Let's face it..... Insurance companies thrive on people that never utilize the service.  For those that happen to require help are scrutinized within an inch of a microbe and kicked repeatedly.

As I sit here, writing my thoughts in today's blog entry, I am literally feeling sick to my stomach.  I managed to let out a good, long cry at a situation that is slowly killing my soul.  I still happen to not have the ability to stop the waterworks to see my keyboard as I try to construct sentences that describe my myriad of thoughts that are zipping around in my mind.  In all honesty, I have no clue where the brunt of the blame shall be placed.  Here is my story.....

When I met DH, I was in a low place.  Having gone through yet another cruel breakup of a relationship.  I had serious doubts that there are any good men out there for me to have a future with.  It was not like I was looking to get married and pop out that national average of 2.5 kids with that house and the white picket fence any time soon.  I just felt.... incomplete.  Worthless.  With the track record of being a serial dater of losers that were in the categories of abusers, control freaks, insecure clingers and psychopaths and just about everything in between, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I had zero interest in ever dating again.  Relationships did not hold any appeal to me anymore.  But there he was, walking into the bar at which I sat and was figuring a way to pick up my broken pieces and move forward.  Looking down at my Miller Lite, I hear this person (who is DH) ask the bartender if they carry Old Style.  I had to chuckle.  Old Style is, in my opinion, the most disgusting thing to drink in a beer.  When the bartender said, "No. We carry all Miller products here and a few foreign selections.  Sorry dude, is there something else you would like?", I heard the sigh of a resigned man and ordered a MGD, complaining about the lack of this bar supplying a "good" beer.  Of course, he said it in a way that made me smile.  A smile that had not graced upon my face in a good, long time.  DH noticed me sitting alone at the bar, laughing at him and he takes the bar stool next to me.  He started a conversation with me and my evening was filled with a lot of laughing.  Something I desperately needed if I was going to pick up my broken pieces and trudge onward in life.  When the topic of my thoughts on Old Style beer was brought up, he kicked the bar stool out from under me. and I have said to so many.... the rest is history.  We started as friends and ended up getting married.  That was over 18 years ago.

With my desire to live anywhere, but where I grew up, I ended up marrying  a man that bought his house in my hometown and wanted to grow roots there.  Yep, I live roughly 6 blocks away from my childhood home, and have been for the past 19 years.  Talk about living an adventure, right?  Luckily, I at least managed to have a few vacations that happened to be in other states, so I did get to see the world (at least, the country I live in), for a little bit.

Our marriage is not the easiest, nor is it the hardest.  I have carried the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for just about all the marriage.  When our daughter was born, I carried even more.  Sure, DH paid the bills.  He makes more than I do.  He makes sure we have all the necessary insurances in place (home, auto, health, and he is the only one with life insurance - I can't afford any life insurance for myself yet).  On paper, we are doing okay.  In life, we get along just fine.  There is a lot of tension regarding how we live together.  He sees things one way, and I see them in a different light.  Most likely to blame for that is how we were raised differently, but we do try every day to make compromises in our rooted beliefs and make things work.  We don't fight all that often, but when we do.... it is viciously fought with words. Feelings get hurt quite often, but we do try harder to understand each other.  I guess that with both of us being stubborn and at least willing to try a compromise, we have lasted this long.

Sadly, when the economic crash of 2008 came about, we struggled to hold everything together.  I looked for more work while DH took a HUGE pay cut to keep his business going.  With threats of losing both our house and his business, we budgeted everything down to the last penny.  Grocery shopping is done as a family with a list every week.  Being frugal is our way of life.  It is 8 years later, and we are still struggling to stay afloat.  We can say that we still have our house and DH still has his business.  I did manage to find more work and I contribute more than before, but when it comes down to the future.... we are nowhere near ready for retirement, nor can we even afford any surprises.  DD is nearing the stage of graduating high school and we don't have nearly enough to afford to send her to college.  Simply put.... we are broke, but surviving.

With DH's health issues with his heart, DD's asthma, and my back issues.... we pay plenty for healthcare.  Every spare penny we have has been squirreled away to pay for medications and co-pays for doctor visits.  Little did I know that one heavy rain in May of 2016 could kill my hopes for a healthy home.  Well, that and DH's inability of seeing the importance of maintaining our home.  We now have water damage hitting the surface of the interior of our home.  My kitchen is ruined, my lower bathroom is starting to get mold and according to the homeowner's insurance claims adjuster.... this damage is seen as long term damage and is possibly not covered by our insurance.  Meaning, the tens of thousands of damage to my home, which increases in cost every day that it is not attended to, is now the responsibility of the homeowner to handle.  All I can say is... great, just great!  We don't have the money to do regular maintenance on our home and now we get to watch our money go to pay for insurance that does not repair damage that was never seen until just recently?  It is not like I burrow into the walls of my home to see if there is a potential issue.  Heck, DH never had the desire to do any remodeling of this house when he bought it.  It took my one weakness of peeling off loose wallpaper in the apparent "master bedroom" to get him to invest in paint and new carpeting.  Sure, we have bought furniture over the years, but that is well after there is zero ability of saving it.  Heck, I still have a recliner that is so worn out that the stuffing is showing and DH has reinforced the frame once it became lopsided and couldn't recline anymore.  My appliances are as old, if not older than me, and have been slapped with enough band-aid repairs by DH that I am surprised that my house has not blown up yet.  I have overgrown trees that are half dead in my yard and shrubs that are so overgrown that trimming them back results in almost zero foliage on them.  Just bare and dead branches.  The past two weekends, with more on the horizon, will be filled with digging out yet another mostly dead bush.  My living room carpet is stained from juice and Kool-aid from DD's childhood.  Those stains never come out.  I have tried and even paid professionals to try.  The paint is peeling in my house as well as outside of it because every time I try to entice DH to paint with me, he plays dead on the broken down recliner, that is, after asking me where we can find the money to afford to do such a minimal upgrade if the rest of the house is falling apart.  Something like putting lipstick on a pig I think has been said, or spraying perfume in a dumpster.  Meaning, it is not really worth it.  Of course, DH's drive to do anything is way off course to what is important.  He spent a day in a Spring snowstorm, digging out a bush to fix the gas line to the gas lamp in the front yard.  Didn't matter that we have ceramic tiles popping in the upstairs bathroom that I now hide with strategically placed bath rugs, nor is he concerned with the peeling laminate on the kitchen and upstairs bathroom cabinets, nor is he interested in replacing the downstairs bathroom vanity that is lopsided from water damage of the last flood we had a few years back.  Nope, nope, nope.

Now, with the sagging and crumbling particle board of a corner kitchen cabinet that I had to empty out and throw everything away, you would think that he would feel a little inkling to fixing the damage, but NO.  He at least took it upon himself to redirect the downspout on the roof for better water flow when it rains so it does not pour in the house anymore.  Not exactly a ball of fire to get the roof fixed and replace the water damaged wood up on the roof.  We got one estimate from a guy that is a friend of a guy that is friends with a guy that is friends with DH.  This seven degrees of separation thing is getting to be a bit much, but DH refuses to get more estimates and he has not given approval for someone.... anyone... to fix this stuff.  I really do not want to see my house rot away and mold over, regardless of how much I hate this house.  Hated it from the beginning, but agreed to stay.  Heck, when I married DH, I married this house!  Should have known better!!  Stupid me!!

Well, with DH's lack of enthusiasm to fixing the house, I took it upon myself to talk to our insurance agent.  I took time off from work to do so.  After a long discussion, I was told a few things..... 1).  There is a 70/30 chance that our homeowner's policy will cover this.  And 2).  DH needs to reevaluate his method of insurance because he could be saving us roughly $800 a year if he upped our deductible and added our car insurance to this policy.  Sure, a $250 deductible is enticing to keep if there was ever a claim to be approved, but in all the years of owning this house (or better yet, paying a mortgage on it), we have never made a claim.  Not once.  Figuring I could take my chances on getting a resolution that DH could get on board with, I met with the claims representative and here I am.... sick to my stomach, crying, and feeling completely defeated because after his little look around.... the words "long term damage" is prevalent and "possibly not covered" being tossed my way.  I am now slinking down into the quicksand of despair.  We overpay for insurance that is trying to deny us help in our time of need,  I have a significant other that refuses to make headway in a solution to the problem at hand, and I have a house that will probably kill us all with the damage that has been hidden for so long behind the walls.  I would love to get a loan and get everything fixed and be done with it, but we can't afford another bill in our lap.  If I could be blessed with good fortune and win the lottery, that would be nice, but the state of Illinois is not paying out large lottery winnings.  It is not like I need millions of dollars here.  Just a million to get all the necessary things taken care of like, repair the house, pay the bills off, have money to let DD go to college debt free. and maybe.... just maybe....put a little away for the next rainy day.

So with my feeling like garbage over this whole situation.... Who shall receive the pent up wrath that is boiling under my skin?  DH for not caring enough to do something?  The insurance company for making me feel completely defeated because I fear that they won't help us?  The system that makes it do darn hard to get ahead?  Or me, because I don't know how to fight the system.

Sorry this was so long, but I had to get it out.  Ending my rant here... dropping the mic.... and I am out!  Thanks for reading.

Is it wrong?

Have you ever just figured that giving up is the answer?

While I know that words can be misunderstood and taken out of context, let me elaborate on that statement....

I am, by no means, suicidal.  I have no desire to take my own life.  In all honesty, I fear death.  Want proof?  I suffer panic attacks that are solely based in fear of death.  I pray every night to God for another day to be there for me when I wake up.  I absolutely freak out when I have had a dizzy spell or when I can feel my heartbeat increase.  I am not a risk taker and if I could.... I would lock everyone I care about in a padded room to keep them safe from harm with me, but I know that life is a risk and as in life, there is death.  Not exactly all that thrilled about the end being death, but in my battles with anxiety and panic disorder.... I had to make an agreement with myself that while death is lurking in the shadows, I need to appreciate every day that I am alive.  While there are moments that make me wonder why it seems that I am the only one being punished with all these misfortunes, I still take the time to appreciate that I have these moments to experience.  It would just be nice to not have so many misfortunes happening around me.

What I mean by "giving up", is just no longer trying to change the situation.  Coming to a sense of acceptance that this will happen and do my best at all times.  To hold my head up and say, "I did the best I could and while it appears it was not enough, I am okay with it.".  You know, let the chips fall where they may and accept it for what it is.

It is these games that seem to have one goal in mind that bothers me.  Those games to knock me down and the additional games to keep me there.  It is that coworker that tries to steal clients, or that backstabbing friend that talks smack about you, or even that family member that treats you like an idiot.  While it is common practice to ignore the negative thoughts of others you have no connection with, it is still that little nagging voice that reminds you that there will be people passing judgement on you just for being yourself.  I get it that nobody can please everybody all the time, but in this day and age, it appears that there is a lot of negativity flying around.  Bullies picking on people that are different or, in some cases, better than the bully.  We all have had some experience with bullying.  I know I did.  My existence in school was a nightmare!  While there were some good memories, there were a lot of hurt feelings running through my veins.  I am still a little sensitive about it all, but I did manage to get through it relatively unscathed.  Not everyone knows what I went through and I really would not want to rehash it in a blog, but lets just say.... I have never truly loved myself because of it.  And that is pretty sad because I have so much love to give.

The only reason I seem to be coming to the conclusion that not trying anymore is the answer is because it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't catch a break.  I am just so darn tired of getting back up after being kicked down.  

So.... Is it wrong to just give up trying?