Years ago, I experienced something that changed me in a way that while I am the same person on the outside.... I am a different person on the inside.
I am one, of many that suffer from anxiety attacks. I know I am not alone, but in all honesty, I really feel.... alone.
Anxiety is, in the lamest of terms, an extreme attack of the mind filled with panic. Panic of the unknown for unknown reasons. It is difficult to get a person to understand that while there are stressful or frustrating times in your life... that it is not those situations that create these attacks. Sure, they may have a little truth in being a cause, but it is not the reason for them to happen. A person that suffers this disorder can be thinking of absolutely nothing or only on one task and there is a sudden feel of loss of control. The symptoms usually vary, but the resulting effect is the same... fear. That adrenaline rush to the body simply from the mind triggering reactions that really do not have a reason, but to just happen. Here is my story..... (The shortest version that I can think of)
A little over 18 years ago, I had my first panic attack. I never had one before, so I had no clue that this was the beginning of a lifelong battle. I was a mile from the church, on my way to get married. As with any bride to be, I had my concerns and I worried over just about everything, but I had hope that whatever obstacle came my way, that it could be dealt with. Really.... Nobody's wedding ever goes perfect. There is always a snag or an issue. It creates something memorable of the day. Most events become funny anecdotes later in life, but my timeline started there. I will say this.... I remember what I felt and it was not those happy flutters of excitement of getting married. It was downright scary! Feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest, cutting off my breathing. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that made me feel like I was about to collapse at any minute. The rapid heartbeat that pounded in my ears, at such a frantic pace that I thought my heart was going to stop beating from being overexerted. It was quite overwhelming when it hit so suddenly and quite confusing when it stopped so suddenly. As fast as it hit... I was feeling like it never happened when it ended.
I did my best to forget about it and I was actually fine for a while.... A week, to be exact. I had another attack. I was driving to work. I was on the expressway and had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so bad, that my fingers curled on their own accord. Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw a very pale and glazed over look in my eyes. I stepped out of my car and flagged down someone to help me. Fortunately, someone did stop and called for an ambulance. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was feeling better and ready to just send them away to let me continue driving to work. Of course, that is not allowed and DH had to make arrangements to get my car off the side of the expressway and back home. I do remember having these feelings on my way to my wedding and told the ER doctors to check me over. They found nothing and sent me home with the suggestion of breathing in a paper bag the next time I start to hyperventilate. Still, I had no definitive answers to what was wrong with me.
I was attack free for three days. It seemed that these frantic attacks with no apparent reason were getting more and more frequent. By the end of the third week since my first attack, I made an appointment to see the doctor. These "attacks" were starting to happen multiple times a day and if the doctor can see what is happening.... then maybe I will get answers to what is happening to me and make it stop.
While filling out the required paperwork for seeing a new doctor, I was hit with another attack. The doctor and nurses practically carried me into an exam room and the doctor checked me over from top to bottom. I even had an EKG to make sure my heart was alright. OF course, in hindsight, she already knew what was wrong with me. I was suffering panic attacks and seemed to be in the category of "generalized anxiety disorder". She sat down and really talked to me. Asked me questions about what I am going through... Beginning with my wedding day and getting to that day. There appeared to be a lot going on, but in my opinion.... not enough to see myself as being stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown.
With this being said, I was given a prescription of Xanax to get some control back in my life. I was told that this medication is highly addictive. Knowing that I have a family history of having addiction tendencies, I made a pact that once I get these attacks under control, I was going to get myself off these pills and learn how to cope without taking pills. My determination and resolve to read as much as I can, helped me find a method that worked for me. After being on pills for about three months, I stopped taking them and put my theories to the test and I became able to handle my panic attacks without pills for a little over 17 years.
That is when I learned that it is not the stress that can make a person break. It is the continual dealing with stressful situations that can create chemical imbalances in the mind. With these imbalances, it creates a sense of panic and fear, but with no real reasoning behind it. Once it starts, it does become a lifelong battle. Some people require medications to help calm the triggered nervous system. Can be long term or short term, but those affected are more prone to have repeat occurrences with no explanation to the cause. Makes it really hard to explain to someone that while we are all strong of mind, there are opportunities that can trigger strong emotional reactions. Sure, most people can handle these situations and not have a label placed upon them, but it is becoming more and more commonplace to hear that the mind, an ever changing and growing part of a person, become altered emotionally. It is, in no way of saying that there is some genetic mutation that makes people clinically depressed or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It just happens, but it does not make these people damaged. Just in need of understanding in a situation that cannot be understood by the person suffering.
I am, in no means an expert on the subject. I have read a lot of articles about panic attacks. I have personally experienced them. I just do not have answers when people ask me why I am panicking. What I do know is what I feel. I have no doubt that there are others that suffer in silence like I do. We look calm on the outside, but on the inside is a totally different story. The increased heartbeat that we can hear in our ears, the feeling of something heavy on our chest to where it feels like taking a breath is a struggle. The heaviness in the arms like there are weights strapped on our hands. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that is convincing enough to believe that you are going to face-plant the floor at any moment. That feeling of fear that you are going to die and the fear of making a spectacle of yourself in public. The inner shaking spells that feel like you are on shaky ground, but on the outside.... you don't see a tremor. The mind is racing about varying scenarios, trying to find the reason this is happening and squash it like a bug, but not being able to pinpoint a reason. That feeling of confusion and frustration that there is no way to stop it, but enduring the discomfort alone because if I can't explain it to myself.... how can someone else understand it.
Well, as I said earlier.... I was given Xanax to control these attacks because I needed time to learn how to create a skill set to dealing with them. With that almost 17 year run of handling these attacks, I felt the control start to slip a couple of weeks ago. I am letting small things affect me in a big way and that is not healthy. Responsibilities at home, at work, for my family and even for myself have been putting a huge strain on me. In all honesty, I have been handling everything just fine, but suddenly everything just became too overwhelming and I am back to taking those darned pills. I am not happy about this, but I am feeling a sense of relief that these life-altering attacks are getting under control again. This is the start of day number four and my attacks have diminished enough that I had a reasonably panic free day yesterday. What I feared would be a three-a-day dosing is only one pill a day and I take that at night. Knowing that I am not fully out of the woods just yet.... freeing myself from the constant underlying fear of an attack... I have hope that I can get my life back on track. The battle with anxiety is a lifelong one, but for those that suffer in silence with me.... I understand your pain and I have faith that we all will win the battle for a panic free day that can stretch out to a panic free week, to a panic free month, to a panic free year, and so on.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day...
No comments:
Post a Comment