Being married for 14 years should be congratulated. Especially when it has been as difficult as it has been for me. Well, it has not always been miserable, but I will admit that there has been a lot of effort on my part to keep things going somewhat smoothly. There has been a lot of sacrifice made on my part and a little sacrifice on his. I figured that all marriages take effort, just like any relationship a couple has. I was just not prepared to accept that when I married my best friend that I married a person incapable of depth beyond the stage of the relationship when the courtship ends. Meaning, that pivotal moment when the effort to snare the attention of a mate stops and you see the true person for who they are. I was just smitten beyond the normal realm to convince myself that once this relationship went to the next level (aka marriage), that I ended up being the one to conform alone, accept and embrace the lacking I got. No matter how much I try to figure things out, I know that change will never happen as long as there is the lack of desire to change. Out of the kindness of my heart and the determination to put in 110% in this marriage, I have enabled disrespect and lack of effort from my family. I fear that it is too late to fix this problem since it has been going on for roughly the whole time I have been married. I sometimes wonder if marrying my best friend was an err in marital judgement. Well, I wonder more now than back when being married was new....
My futile attempts to shedding light on those minuscule, but important things have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes. Seeing that my needs will not be met unless they are offered as bargaining chips to make me do things that I am not up to doing is no way to see that this union as anything less than a poor business merger. Living vicariously through romance novels to fill in the void where my life seems to be lacking is really no way to live, but after DD was born.... I now have others to consider first. I understand the meaning of needs and fulfilling them takes effort. Every decision I make no longer affects just me anymore... it affects a very innocent person that did not ask to be put in this situation. I know that I am stronger by holding my resolve to keep trying. I am setting the example that success is not handed on a silver platter and that a failure is not necessarily a true failure if you keep trying... no matter what. While I have been told by many to seek my own happiness and let everything and everybody else deal with the consequences, I just do not have a vindictive bone in my body to never consider those closest to me first. Life is a challenge and as long as nobody is getting physically hurt... you can only grow in character strength with the less than desirable events happening around you.
While I know that walking away is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a sign of incredible strength, there is just a point in life that you need to face your choices and do the best that you can with them. We all have choices in life. Go this way or that; stay or go; fight or adapt... we base our choices on what we feel is best for ourselves and what we believe we can endure. While some choices made are really good ones, we have an equal amount of poor choices we have made. It is what balances us as well as teaches us along the way. If you ever chose to put your hand on a hot stove burner and got burnt, you learned that it was an undesirable experience and you know better to never do that again. Same goes for something that was positive in your life that you experienced. It is far easier to repeat good events than poor ones. The difference is... we have to experience it first to make the assessment if it is good or bad. Knowledge is key. Making rash decisions does not guarantee that you will get good results. I have never been a risk taker, nor am I to dabble in testing the waters elsewhere. At this stage in my life, I am more prone to fully examine the pros and cons of a decision I am about to make. Sadly, it does not happen quickly, for as you can see I still have hope that undesirable things can turn around for the better. I know that I am probably missing out on some really great opportunities, but I am very uncertain when it comes to the risk of regret. In my youth, I was more of a fast thinker and decision maker. If I was not happy with something, I would change my course without much planning. It was only me that I was thinking about. Now I have others to consider.
As amazed as I am that I have made it this far in my marriage, I am starting to lose my grip in holding onto hope that better things are to happen. I am hanging in there because I am scared. I am not afraid of being alone, if that is what you are thinking. I am afraid that making a big decision that affects more than me will become more devastating to those around me. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I cannot make things change for the better in my eyes. I can scream and fight, but I lack the skills to present a strong argument to get the help or respect I desire. Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, I just do not like what he does to me. Maybe his ignorance to my feelings is something he does not see being that hurtful. Maybe his inability to connect with me is his way of respecting me and my needs. Maybe his lack of communication skills is his way of keeping things together for us. Maybe his very random outbursts of anger and resentment towards me is his way of coping with stress outside of our union. While verbal abuse can be as brutal as physical, it is quite possible that he sees this as a better choice to dealing with things than to actually hit the person he loves. There are times he just decides to say absolutely nothing to me for days instead of leaving a visual mark on me. I can only guess that he feels that I am strong enough to take harsh words than find ways to heal broken bones or hide bruises for others to see. While I cannot understand his reasons for what he does and does not do, I can only assume that there is love there for me. Just not enough for me to feel actual love. Every individual is different. I need to remind myself that what one sees as one thing is not necessarily seen the same way by another.
While I blog my feelings and thoughts as my release and to share to others that I could possibly relate to what they are experiencing, I can only hope that what I share sheds light that nobody is truly alone in this world. We are all hanging on to what life offers through our choices. Good, bad, or indifferent, our journey is never a boring one. So, in closing... I would like to wish a happy anniversary, DH, we made it this far.... How much farther will we go? I do not know, but 14 years is a long time.....
Thanks for reading and have a great day. As for me.... I have the house to myself while DH is at work, DD is at school, and nothing special has been planned. 14 years is not really a benchmark year to speak of, so it is just another ordinary day for us.
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