Have you ever had a moment where you thought too much and spoke too little? I seem to be suffering that moment a lot lately. I am not sure why I am at this crossroads, but it is quite frustrating to say the least. Maybe it is because I somehow became more of a recluse than a social butterfly that spreads their wings, but something has got to give really soon or I fear that I will lose the desire to do much of anything. Some may say I appear to have a guilt-ridden attachment to a solitary lifestyle. I revolve my social lifestyle around my family and place them first instead of myself. In fact, I think I do represent that thought and I have been doing this for years. While I have tried to explain it away, I am still having difficulty understanding why I let my family dictate my every move. Is this a side-effect from loving my family too much or a strong sense of responsibility that borders upon being a control freak? Maybe it is due to the belief that if I do even more for them, I will become a little more appreciated? That appearing to be perfect beyond all expectations (of which I still cannot fully achieve), I will finally feel loved by the ones that hold back way too often? Kind of like a child in a family on the brink of a divorce and thinking, if I try harder they will appreciate me more, if I sacrifice more they will love me more, if I do more they will need me more. Either way, I am interacting less with people and I am getting scared.
It almost brings on the feeling that as long as they are happy, I should be happy, no matter how miserable the journey it is to get them to be happy. I seem to have the mental defect that makes me focus more on the task at hand for others than my own personal comfort. I have a very strong work ethic and there rarely ever has been a complaint about my abilities to get a job done and how much I achieve. I recall working for places where I pushed to do more than anyone else, but still did not get any recognition for my efforts. Only more responsibility placed upon me and less placed upon those that surround me. When it came time for reviews, their expectations got higher and higher for me and lowered for those that worked in the same department. Quite a few places I worked at, I took parts of the workload from other departments, but never got a title of recognition for what I did. One place, I started off as a purchasing assistant and ended up with production assistant, inventory control and administrative assistant jobs added to my workload. There was no change in my title and no raise to compensate for the added workload.... just the added responsibility while those that were responsible for their respective jobs took long breaks and socialized. I worked my tail off for a little respect and recognition and ended up being the mythical little fairy that magically got everything done by the end of the day. Needless to say... I was frustrated. When I quit those jobs, I was rendered speechless in telling them that the way I felt was more overworked and under appreciated and I needed to be somewhere where I felt that I was part of a team instead of being the team. What is quite sad about that is that I still cannot land another office job even after all the knowledge I attained because there is no college degree attached to it.
Career life and family life is supposed to be different. How you treat a co-worker is supposed to be different than how you treat a family member. I always believed that regardless of the fact that I am a housewife and caregiver full time and a hairdresser part time, I handle my responsibilities with the same work ethic, but treat the people in the respective parts of my life accordingly. I treat my family as they are family and I treat my coworkers as respected colleagues. Sadly, only one offers me the respect I deserve and I can tell you it is not at home. In fact, I feel as if I am surrounded by friends when I am at work, but surrounded by scrutinizing eyes with my family. Well, there is only one redeeming thing that happened in the confines of the family home..... It appears that my endless talks with DD are finally setting in. She is finally taking her educational career seriously and shared with me her concerns. To finally be looked upon as a person that where their opinion counts has rendered me speechless, but extremely proud and a little skeptical at the same time. It is the start of the school year and DD usually takes things seriously, but this year she is taking it even more seriously than usual. I am very proud of her. I always have been, but being her confidant placed that pride in an even higher level. I fear that as the school year moves forward, her desire to do well will diminish. I seem to keep reminding myself that she is her father's daughter. She looks a lot like me, but there are some qualities that are strictly his and they are some of the most annoying traits he has. Yes, I love DH, but his emotional warfare makes me not like him all that much. Affection being used as bargaining chips is cruel. His determination to be the one to say the last word is maddening. His argumentative skills are vicious and his debating skills are ruthless. Being stubborn is one thing, but between DH and DD.... they are in a class all their own. I do not stand a chance against them.
The deep thinker that I happen to be has put me at a disadvantage while I watch my daughter spread her wings and find new friends and join more social events. The deep thinker and overachiever is at a disadvantage over DH's ability to ignorance of those around him and his lazy tendencies. I could be wrong, though, when it comes to DH's ability to do even less in this marriage. I could be doing too much, but when I stop to take a break.... he gets upset that things are not done or sounds so disappointed when he does things around the house. I know that I have made things too easy for them because of my work ethic, but how do I change that to make this family unit more of a team than a one person show. I really have not been able to figure that out and I am the deep thinker in this group, darn it! My brain is clogged and my mouth is not working.... I am at a very special level of being rendered speechless.
Thanks for reading and have a great day.
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