There are days I feel as if there is a HUGE neon target tacked to my back that reads.... "Judgmental doormat here: Wipe your self-righteous feet here and unleash the toxic tidal wave because this one is too nice to talk back." Really? Am I the only one that gets nitpicked at like a vulture picking at the bones of a carcass? Heck, I have no more meat to pick at, but I seem to be that carcass that is the first choice to pick at and the only one not left alone to just turn into dust.
I open my mouth and I am wrong... I don't open my mouth and I am still wrong!
Whoops.... I am blogging now and apparently I am wrong for doing that, too!
Oh, SNAP! I have friends, but I cannot be seen with them in pictures on a social site because my seldom opportunities of going out makes me look like an alcoholic or a fool. Oh, that's right.... I can have friends, but I cannot spend time with them, either.
Free thought is not free when you have an army of unhappy people just itching to pounce on you whenever you even think of sharing a thought, joke, or even a tidbit of something remotely exciting or happy in my life. While I would just love to have a form of release that does not result in either a face-to-face smack down or a phone call that sets my teeth on edge... I know that I will forever be under the microscope somewhere by someone just itching to call me out on even the most minuscule of actions. Heck, even an inaction would be cause for nitpicking. I am alive, but not allowed to live it the way I choose to. Nope, it appears that others want to do the choosing for me.
Why stop there?? The toxic tidal wave of judgmental people happen to have an expansive view of things. I apparently never do enough, but when I try... I get knocked down for trying. In fact, when it comes to housework, I can clean to the point that I have no fingerprints left on my fingertips and there will be someone in the shadows making yet another mess for me to deal with since I apparently enjoy being looked upon as someone that apparently does nothing but eat chocolates on the couch all day and spends money like a drunken sailor on leave. Which, by the way, is not the case at all.
If it is not being judged by what I say, don't say, do and don't do... I am judged by what I wear, what I eat, how I look, my body shape, how I speak, and probably how I breathe. You see, there are people that have specialties in the realm of being nitpicking, toxic attitude sharing creatures. Some I know and many I don't. Complete strangers are judgmental people. That is where the adage of saying, "judging a book by its cover", comes from. Heck, when it comes to being judgmental... it is really only a black-or-white viewpoint with their beliefs that their views and opinions are the only right ones.
What is more frustrating is how certain people have the power to constantly badger another person into submission that they are no longer allowed to act freely because of the constant nitpicking and opinions that are tossed at them. I am not sure if this tendency is stemmed from constantly being so miserable that they can only feel better when they make those around them just as miserable, but I can only assume that is why. The curious nature in me wonders if those people ever had a happy moment in their lives to actually stop making others so tense and unsure of themselves.
I mean, I really have no problems with opinionated people. I can be opinionated from time to time. It is when that opinionated person has no off switch that bothers me. I mean, I get it that they are not happy in their environment, but does it always need to be a battle to have a normal conversation? Can these miserable people find the silver lining a little more than always feeling like the sky is perpetually falling? No one person is perfect and they are not meant to be, but could these judgmental people appreciate that tidbit of knowledge? While I know that the hidden meaning behind the judgmental behavior is because they care too much, I just hoped that these people would allow those that they care about the opportunity to at least experience life on their own terms? Isn't that what life is all about? It is about experiences taken and lessons learned, right? It is about taking risks and blind leaps of faith to actually co-exist with others. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, but being constantly told what to do does break the spirit of a person as well as limit our choices between what is right and what is wrong.
After years of being nitpicked and told how to act has finally taken its toll on the once vibrant person I once was. I am constantly fearful of upsetting another person and I second guess everything I say and do. I am though, getting to the point that I will just snap and not care what others think or I will completely shut down and not even try to live my life. Trust me.... both are very extreme and not balanced in any way. It is probably better described as this.... I will either become a person in everyone's face or I will try to curl up into the smallest ball possible with hopes of disappearing. Neither one is really who I am or would like to become, but the opportunity is there. I just really do not want to anger everyone in my path and I really do not want to cut myself off socially, but the line is starting to be drawn and the fine line that divides the two is getting finer by the minute. There will be no balancing act if this keeps up and that scares me even more. I can only hope that those people that appear to be so critical to how I should live my life can see this shift in my attitude to back off for a while and let me learn how to live my life my way or they will suffer the consequences from their actions. Trust me when I say this..... it will not be pretty nor what they hoped for.
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