UGH! Damned if I do and damned if I don't! I will NEVER try to think of myself first EVER AGAIN! Heck, my actions were not even thinking of myself first, but it sure looked like it... or as I was told.
Of course, it is ALL MY FAULT, anyway. I just can't do anything right. I can make one person happy and manage to piss everyone else off in the process or I try to make everyone else happy and still piss them off at the same time. I have given and given and given to the point that I really do not have much to offer anymore, but yet again someone wants a pound of flesh from me. What makes it even worse is I actually feel worse off for even trying in the first place.
I am the doting mother, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but when it comes down to trying to get a little breathing room.... well, I guess I am not allowed to come up for air. Between the constant little jabs at telling me that the answer to every little request that flows from my lips will always be a resounding "NO", I think I truly suffer from enough verbal abuse that I should never open my mouth, but know that even if I do that... I AM STILL WRONG! I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to replace anything that happens to break, I am not allowed to treat myself to anything nice, and I sure as heck am not allowed to even get an inch of lenience. Even in social media (as well as my blogging), I have been told I share too much which is apparently wrong, but when I do not share.... I am pummeled with questions and labeled as being too secretive and aloof. There is never a happy middle ground with anyone and I am getting quite frustrated by it.
Nope, nope... I am just a tool; a means to an end. I am the first one to get blamed and the last one, if ever, to get credit for what I sacrifice or even do. I am so well conditioned in feeling guilty... I am now starting to really hate waking up every morning. I don't even get alone time to even sort out my thoughts or to even an opportunity to actually take a full breath of air.
I scrimp and I save every penny I can get my hands on and only spend on necessities for others that even the one thing I manage to get that is strictly for me makes me feel like I am a terrible and greedy person. Of course, I have been told those exact things from time to time. I really do not understand how I can appear greedy when I give to others before I attempt to give to myself. I give them more than I ever happen to take, but I can only guess that I am not allowed to have anything that is strictly for me and that is what makes me appear greedy or selfish. According to other people that feel compelled to tell me what they think (and they do take the liberty to tell me often), I appear to be a martyr and being a martyr is not a healthy way to live. Well guess what? I have no choice in the matter because the one time I tried to think of myself first in a very long time resulted in a guilt trip of all guilt trips. Apparently, it is okay think of myself, but only after thinking of everyone else first and that once I can manage to make them happy.... then, and only then, am I allowed to think of myself. Sadly, nobody in my life is ever happy enough to ease up on me.
I know that I have been told that I have enabled this behavior from everyone around me because I just happen to be a very giving person in the first place, but I really wonder why I am appearing to be the only one that has to do everything on my own. Oh, that's right.... there are expectations put in place and from those that have these expectations, it is apparently too beneath them to even help out once in a while.
It is apparent that there are people that refuse to even step forward and actually do anything of free will. Nobody is capable of stepping up and taking up the slack. Heck, nobody is willing to do something that is apparently necessary to their happiness or contentment in life because it would take effort for Pete's sake and really.... who wants to actually put in effort if there is some willing schmuck to do it for them? The only catch is to make them feel bad all the time when you actually do it yourself once in a blue moon and that seems easier than just stepping up to some folks. DH has mastered that perfectly! Make a tray of ice cubes a few times over the weekend and suddenly he is this only one doing anything around here. Every task is required for me to do from start to finish... Cook a meal and do the cleanup afterwards... clean the clothes and put it away... Pick up the garbage and put it at the curb... Avoid calling a family member because you are in a rotten mood that you would rather not share with another person and you are the selfish, uncaring piece of garbage that never thinks of others. Regardless that there are 2 other siblings that are capable of picking up the phone more than once a month (or year), but choose to live their lives and leave it to me to take care of it. Even if I wanted to avoid sharing my rotten mood, I am WRONG for thinking of their feelings because I did not call, but if I managed to share my rotten mood... I am WRONG because I have an attitude. Heck, I am never in the loop when it comes to my in-laws, either. I find out on the day that something important is happening (or after it happened) and I have no time to be there for them. Well, even if I did manage to put in the effort.... I get looked at as a nuisance and not worthy of sharing the same air. Thanks or apologies never happen, as well as acknowledgement that an effort has been made. I could be blatantly in the right, but not one person can give me credit where credit is due. Nope, I get attitude. I am invisible until they need something from me and when I am visible.... I feel invisible. I work my tail off to get ahead and would believe a little offering of thanks would be in order, but no... just shovel more grunt work and have me cover the checks that others have no way of paying. In other words... making promises you cannot fulfill and get someone else to do it for you, which usually ends up being me to do that and there is no reward for my efforts... just more expectations. Yep, I am the check-cashing, promise fulfilling, sacrifice making pile of crap that can be told to think of myself from time to time, but is never actually allowed to do such a thing.
I get dumped on more than bailed out and as history has proven itself.... it sure as heck is not going to get any better. Between an abysmally slow day at the salon, a house that gets trashed as fast (if not faster) than it gets clean, things of mine getting broken and zero offer to let me replace it (regardless that I use it quite often), as well as items of mine that I managed to earn over the years being "borrowed" and never returned... I can tell you this.... I am now that dog that gets smacked on the nose with the newspaper far too often and for no real reason.
I do not know if it is some divine sense of punishment or it is my destiny to be the slime that trails a snail (you know, the lowest form of existence), but I really would like to have this stop. This recent round of smacking me on the nose with the newspaper is starting to really keep me down and that is not good. The days of plastering a smile on my face in the face of misery is starting to become few and far between and I truly believe that when I do have a smile on my face.... I can keep the friends, family and those that I care about me around. Once I stop smiling.... nobody will want to acknowledge my existence or even want to be around me and I will be far more alone than ever imagined. Heck, with how my attitude is now.... I want to just curl up and hide because even I do not want to be around myself. How can others think I am worthy of being around if I am a perpetual sack of misery? No wonder I never see my friends. I can't even stand myself!
So when it comes to the title choice of: Nice people finishing last or June Cleaver loses it.... you can see that today is not a really good day and tomorrow is looking even less likely of getting better because I just do not think I can keep this up..... If there is a smidgen of kindness in your heart... could you take the time to look around and see if there is someone suffering like me and do something about it? It does not take much... a simple thank you would suffice from time to time. Heck, a hug would be great. I would appreciate that.
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