Fact: Everyone has someone that will judge you regardless of the efforts made. Heck, some people are so focused that their beliefs are the only ones everyone needs to adhere to, and will utilize their full arsenal of their logic to verbally eviscerate you for thinking otherwise. I am not one of those people, but have fell victim to such attacks often. Thus, it is taking me to second guess sharing my raw truth today, but part of my process of blogging is to accept that there are some very critical people out there that will lash out. I just need to be strong enough to brave the slings and arrows with understanding, compassion and love because we all have our own stories to tell and battles to fight.
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I believe that I am an empathetic person. I also believe that my level of empathy has been learned over years of experiences that required to think of others first. This is in no way of being sympathetic, and yes, I looked up the definitions to make certain of the difference. What I do find interesting is how both can play off one another. Sympathy is a reactive feeling, while empathy is the deeper understanding. What I am trying to understand is how my deeply ingrained level of empathy can turn me so raw with emotion. So raw, that it scares me. Could it be because I am exposed to so much hurt around me all the time that it is actually breaking my spirit? I am not sure, but I am not the easily jovial person I once was. Sure, you can call me depressed, but I do not fit in the cookie-cutter description of a depressed person. Sure, I can get sad from time to time, but how do I explain how I can feel emotions off of people? It doesn't happen all the time, and I would like to admit that I am wrong more times than I am right, but when it does..... it punches me in the gut.... hard. It is hard to believe that I actually felt a person's fear by touching their shoulder, but I did. The anxiety of having no control and the fear of it happening. Heck, I was experiencing a charged atmosphere filled with anger, frustration and impatience that punched me in the gut so hard, I thought I was going to throw up! Another time, I walked into a room and felt so overwhelmed that I felt like I couldn't breathe! It felt like the air was filled with sludge of sadness, loneliness, and defeat. I am not all that certain if these feelings are the true feelings of what is around me, or rather this is just my own inner feelings rising to the surface, but what I have been feeling is not willing to be ignored. What I do find strange is if I am depressed, then why can I find calm and contentment in the storm of emotions?
Upon further thought, I am curious as to why I feel the way that I have been feeling lately? Maybe it is the sympathetic part of me that I fear I would hurt the feelings of others with my inner storm. I know that DD will probably read this and tell me that I am wrong, but as of late, I have noticed a level of stress bubbling under the surface with her. Understandably, I know that it is due to her busy life of college, work and being a mom. I understand the need to just shut me out of deep conversations because we are of different generations and different life experiences, but we also know that we lack real communication skills. That is my fault because I just refuse to believe that some, or even most of her challenges are as daunting as she claims it to be. As her mom, I become this person I claim I am not... a judgmental one. I know it is because I have expectations from her. Expectations that she achieves more than I have. To reach the goals of greatness that I see in her where I have admittedly fallen short on. Of course, my expectations have come at a price. A price that others may see as enabling her by doing things she is capable of doing, if given the chance. Then, there is my inability to comment on the positive acts she has done and push her to do even more, or point out where she needs to improve. What really makes me mad at myself is how I could demand more from her if I am the one lacking and pushing for perfection if I have flaws of my own to deal with! Of course, I also see a bit of fear in her eyes. The same fear I have in mine. The fear of failure where succession is required. I guess that is why DD chooses to avoid the deep conversations with me. Really, how can someone talk about fear of failure to the one person they don't want to disappoint?
I don't want to disappoint anyone. That is the "people pleaser" in me. I believe that is the crux in my enabling dilemma. I want everyone to be happy. My job requires it, my family needs it, and I am forgetting how to be happy with myself. I wonder if my internal sadness is what is bringing everyone down. My intentions are to not be so sad, emotional, or in physical pain so often. I am not pleased with my inner turmoil about how I got this way. Sure, I can blame everyone about how I am feeling, but the one person responsible is me. I am responsible for my achievements, my failures, and my feelings. I believe it is a matter of strength to stand up and take ownership of all successes and failures. To stand up and face those slings and arrows that will come my way from blogging. To be graceful and appreciative to kind words and support. To be accepting that not everything is going to be perfect or even just okay. To continue on my journey of life lessons and maybe, just maybe, be a little more brave.
I think that is enough for today.
Thanks for reading.
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