Just not "feeling it".....

Thanksgiving came and went.  According to tradition's sake, I usually spend "Black Friday" at home, putting up the Christmas tree and the Christmas decorations.  Not this year.....  It is already past Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and whatever-they-call-it Monday when internet sales start.  Yep, it is Tuesday, just an ordinary day and I am fighting an internal battle with myself to go crawl into the crawlspace and pull out the Christmas stuff.  DH refused to put out the lights outside and the lawn decorations are staying locked in the shed again this year.  Between the financial pinch we are feeling and the annual vandal smack-down our lawn decorations get.... we are just not "feeling" the holiday spirit.  I really wish it could be different, but there you have it.....  the warm and fuzzy feeling for the holidays is gone.

As I sit here and ponder how much festive decorating I will try to accomplish, I have other dreadful things to do today.  I have to send out the annual e-mail blast of what DD's Christmas wish list is this year since nobody in both sides of my family have the motivation to just call and ask me.  Well, my mom and brother asked DD when they saw her at Thanksgiving.  My in-laws only call DH when I am not home for work and just recently, DH is getting a little miffed at the notion that he has to play middle man in sharing DD's Christmas list requests.  His tone this morning tells me that he has gotten a few calls while he is at work about this.  Apparently, I am not worth the energy to speak to from them.  Once I compile the list of the usual stuff (she prefers gift cards from Old Navy, DSW shoes, Rhapsody and this one place called Game Stop), a few simple clicks later... I will have that task done.  Then I need to focus on the regular housework of cooking, cleaning and laundry.  I sadly, took a weekend sabbatical from cleaning and my house looks like a bomb testing arena with garbage, dishes, and dirt clothes everywhere.

With all this in mind, I managed to wake up this morning feeling nauseous and a back spasm that put my back in a strange twist which makes me look like Quasimodo, the bell ringer of Notre-Dame.  My hair is a wreck and no makeup on my face.... "EEK!"  is all I can say when I looked in the mirror.  Yep, looks like a perfect day to go crawling under the house to grab the festive decorations for Christmas.

Just as I thought I mustered the determination to face this recently dreaded activity, DD comes barreling into the room and tells me that she missed the bus and needs a ride to school.  Oh great!  I look like death and now I get to grab my coat and drive in public looking like this!  Oh well, the day could not get any worse, so I popped a couple of Advil, grabbed my coat, keys and purse and off we went.  As the frozen seat eased the agonizing pain in my back, I got DD to school right when her bus pulls up in front of the school.....  ahhhh, saved by the bell!  I do not have to enter the building to sign her in looking like this :)!  With a smile and well wishes for her to have a good day, I stopped at McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke (to save me even more dishes to wash), I finally head home.

My procrastination skills are in peak form since I still have not reached the level of interest to crawling around in the crawlspace for the decorations, I still have not sent the e-mail list to the in-laws or my sisters, and I still have no motivation to clean up after the clutter-bug typhoon that hit this past weekend.  At least I am fed and watered, but still nauseous and sore, but I have been dealing with the nausea for almost a week now.  Darn pills make me sick!  Just one more day of that stuff and I get to wait 10 more days to see if I am physically back on track.  If not....  well, DH gets to deal with hearing me whine about seeing the doctor.  Just not in the mood for that!  I don't think I am ever in the mood to see the doctor.  What they charge to grasp at straws is not really something I need to deal with.  While DH may seem reasonable about doctor bills, I just know that he is literally seething with anger that I am yet again spending money we do not have to spare.  At least I got DD's Christmas gift... a new cell phone.  It was on sale and I got the authorization from the checkbook holder, lovingly called DH, and got that out of the way yesterday.  Now I have a nephew to get a gift for since he is still considered a kid and ship that off to Colorado.  No surprise there.... he is getting a gift card.  Shipping an actual thing bigger than a gift card costs about the same as the gift I would have purchased for him.  Far more reasonable to spend the 49 cents than $30 to UPS for shipping.

Yep, gotta stop dragging my heels.....  I really need to stop dragging my heels.....  Okay, I am ready to get this day going.....  once I get my stomach to settle and my back to stop having waves of a spasm.....  That means I might be ready in a couple more weeks....  OH HECK!!!  As Nike advertises their product....  I just gotta "do it".  Have a good one everybody.  I hope that the Christmas spirit makes its appearance in my life and is firmly planted in yours.....

Games people play.....

Why, oh why do people play games?  No, I do not mean board games or video games....  what I am talking about is the mind games people take such pride in playing.  While most of these games that people play is really a desire for drama to ensue.... I see it as a ploy for attention.  Let me explain a few findings that I see ending up with the same conclusion.....  getting attention.

Lets start off with the players of the game.  Nobody is immune to the destruction.  Here are the ones I have managed to give names to.  Well, some of it is just common knowledge, you know....

The back stabber:  The sliest of creatures.  They are your friend to your face, but will shoot you in the back once your back is turned.

The drama queen:  The most tightly wound person you will ever come across.  No small situations to get upset about here....  everything is cause for overreaction and assumption.  They are capable of creating drama and eluding blame.

The toxic commentator:  As the drama queen makes the smallest grain of sand into a mountain, this person just oozes negativity.  Nothing is ever good enough, they have plenty of opinion, but no ability to try to change the situation for the better.

The nitpicker:  This special breed of personality is one that grates on any level-headed person's nerves.  While the toxic commentator oozes the negativity, the nitpicker is one to dissect a situation and claim that regardless where others are wrong..... only they know what is right and is not afraid of telling people their faults.

The worry-wart:  This person lacks focus on the big picture and only is short-sighted.  Their concern is getting the 4-1-1 on when (and who) the next shoe is going to drop.  Never focusing on trying to avoid the other shoe from dropping....  just wanting fair warning to what is going to happen next.

The drama duck:  This person does everything in their power to avoid drama at all costs and in fact lets drama roll off their back like water to a duck's backside.  This person is not completely immune to the drama that unfolds around them, but does their best to not get wrapped up in the hype.

The ostrich:  This person is so non-confrontational that they would rather bury their head in the sand than taking a stand.  The moment that tempers flare.... they are running far and fast.

The prince/princess:  This is probably one of the most annoying of the bunch.  Demands to be the center of attention at all times and when this person is not getting what they want or demand.... they stomp, pout, and complain.  They feel that they are entitled to be given everything and does not care who they step on to get what they want.  Some people can see them as being the squeakiest wheel in any situation.  Sometimes seen as a social climber with cleats.

The sponge:  This person really does not need too much explanation, but to highlight this person's ability to absorb commentary from all sides and does nothing until that fateful day they get squeezed.  When that happens.....  Whoa Nelly!!

and finally.....

The bi-polar express:  This person plays a very erratic game.  They are a balanced mix of all of the above and can sling stones to glass houses without getting the blame.  Depending on the situation, they can flip from tattle-tale to secret keeper.  It is in how it benefits them.  An obviously short-term or selective memory for this special person.  They have a really good bead on playing a game to benefit just themselves while creating havoc in their wake.  Has potential to be accused, but finds the ultimate loophole to weasel out of any sticky situation.  They always win and you always lose.....  The ultimate in drawing the line in the sand and then blurring it to their benefit.

Now, in any situation where there are a large group of people, you will find one or more than one of those people in the mix.  All it takes is for one person to throw the gossip or complaint bone and most people attack it with the fervor of a pack of rabid dogs.  All they need is a victim to attach the gossip to and it is.... game on!  What can start off as a small annoyance or minor injustice and all hell breaks loose.  What starts off looking like a feast on a victim turns into a fight to the death for getting to the coveted top of the food chain.

While some games are short run situations, it is the long game that tests the will of everyone involved.  Resentment and lack of respect take center stage.  Not one person will take the fall, as well as not one person rising above it all.  As there are toxic people, there are toxic situations and everyone is at risk.  Quite an unhealthy situation, but alliances are formed in some places and pity is placed in some situations.  The desire to stick it out overcomes the desire to high tail it out because nobody knows if the grass is actually gonna be greener elsewhere and it becomes easier to be complacent than to rock the boat.

So tell me.....  if everyone is willing to work on making the situation livable, then why do we need to play games in the first place?

As I said before, chances are there are for more game players out there.  These are the ones I managed to highlight today.  Now, being aware of these personality flaws/game player attributes.....  would you be willing to do everything necessary to change if it is to benefit the greater good?

The timing really sucks!

Grrr!!  I absolutely hate being an overly bloated bag of mood-swinging female!  Getting old really bites, you know.....  I am not menopausal, but I have been feeling like I should be.  A couple of years ago, or so, I started blogging because I was an emotional basket case and thought that stress was making me a depressed person.  Emotional beyond words, I took the initiative to see the doctor and find out that a woman my age will hit a point in life that we become less 'regular' when it comes to the monthly curse that sends men for the hills and boosts the sales of the tampon/sanitary pad companies.  Midol comes to mind when trying to battle the irritable tendencies that PMS brings on.  Heck, that little water pill laced with Tylenol should be the cure, right?  WRONG!  It is the arrival of that god forsaken curse every woman goes through (like clockwork), every month that begins the healing process of the misery and once it is over.... we are back to normal, happy people.

I used to be able to set a clock to the exact moment that my body gets relief.  I had my cycle pegged down to the exact day it is to come and trust me.....  I was predictably accurate.  DH knew when to fake sleeping to avoid confrontations and when he can resume back to his normal annoying antics.

I was told by my gynecologist that when women get a certain age.... their bodies change.  As like passing an egg through a Fallopian Tube, there will come a time a woman will pass a dud.  Kind of like having a bag of fireworks and having one not be able to fire off.  I still chuckle at that analogy my gynecologist gave me roughly two years ago when I my monthly cycle did not arrive as scheduled.  After extensive tests to check hormonal levels and to see if I could be pregnant, I was put on a week of pills to induce that cycle that should have come naturally.  If I ignored it.... I would have been at an increased risk of ovarian cancer.  Fortunately, I pay too much attention to details and kept even better records of my week of misery to ignore such a thing.  Looking back, I was a bloated bag of mood swings, like I am now.  At least this time, I am aware of the dud passing scenario and called the gynecologist yesterday.... armed with all the information they needed.  I followed protocol with taking a home pregnancy test (of which I knew it would give me a negative result), and get the okay for another round of pills.  Two times in almost three years really is not all that bad, right?  HA!  This yet again backed up cycle has been no walk in the park.  I am seriously considering having yet another pleading talk with the doctor to just rip this stuff out!  I am not really using it, you know.  I am done with having having children.  I gave birth to one and I live with two.  Kudos to those women that have more than one child to contend with....  I just could not do it.  Sadly, DD is growing up way faster than she should be and DH is reverting back to his childhood at the same rate.

While I have embraced the notion that I am prone to go through this, I just would have wished for it to happen at a completely different time of the year.  The holidays are here and I get to celebrate them with medically induced cramps and nausea.  Oh joy!  Food repulses me right now, I am bloated beyond my comfort zone, and I am an emotional nut-job to boot!  Yep, a real good time to have this happen to me.....  NOT!  I have no doubt that my guests tomorrow will feel a pang of guilt that I am determined to follow through with my holiday plans while looking like a train wreck.  Trust me.... the holiday spirit is there.  It is just buried under discomfort that a pound of makeup will be hiding the green tinge my skin is taking on.  I hope that they will understand when I barely touch my food tomorrow that it is not them....  I am just feeling fat, gross and emotionally unstable.  Just do me one favor (since I know that they read my blog)......  Just smile, be happy and really fill up on all the stuff I am making for our Thanksgiving feast.  If I hear even an inkling of guilt come from your lips....  I cannot guarantee my reaction to be easily understood.  In my eyes.... family comes first....  the rest I can deal with later after everyone leaves.

May Thanksgiving be filled with good food, family, and happy memories!!!
Thanks for reading!  

How dare you put words in my mouth!!!!!

It is late in the evening.  DH has gone to bed.  I set down my book and my eyes are feeling heavy.  While considering making the journey to bed from the couch, DD comes into the room.  She feels it is time to talk about something and from the look on her face.... she is excited.  As she mumbles and sputters sentence fragments, she proceeds to tell me....

DD:  "MOM!  The coolest thing just happened!!  Three of my favorite groups are following me...  THREE!  Isn't that soooooo cool?"

Me:  "Huh?  What do you mean that you have people 'following' you?  What are you talking about?"

DD:  "Three of my favorite groups are following me on Twitter..."  (Finishing the sentence with a flourish of her hand)

Me:  "TWITTER?  When did you join Twitter, of all places?  I never recalled giving you permission to get a Twitter account.  Obviously, you needed an e-mail address to get an account and I did not get an e-mail notification that you opened an account.... so....  what e-mail address did you use?"

DD:  (Looking at her feet) "I joined an hour ago and you know I do not have an e-mail account of my own...  I used your e-mail account address to get a Twitter account."

Me:  "Did it ever cross your mind to ask me for permission?  Doesn't Twitter have an age requirement to join?  Did you give false information to join?  Oh my God!!!  What information did you put out there?!?!?  Did you think for once that I just might have told you to not join this social site?  Or did you figure I did not need to know until after the damage was done?  Haven't all of our long discussions about joining sites without my knowledge is a risky thing to do?  There are a lot of crazy people out there and you are obviously not mature enough to handle those risks.  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!!!!  Oh, thats right.... YOU WERE NOT THINKING!!  Why must you do things well beyond your age?  Can't you just be happy being a kid?"

DD:  "I did ask you for permission, but all you could say was 'what?' and after asking you twice, I decided there was no harm in joining.  My friend has a Twitter account and she is my age..."

Me:  "NO HARM?!?!?!  You knew I would have said 'no' and you made this decision on your own.  Apparently, the trust you earned over the past two years from the last thing you did behind my back with that anime chat room that has no safety measures meant nothing to you!  Heck, I tried to be reasonable about the Skype account you opened behind my back just last week.  At least you only chat with your friends with that and I felt I could be reasonable, but now this????  Twitter???  How am I ever going to trust you ever again??  Now, refresh my memory.... when in pray-tel did you ask me permission for this?"

DD:  "When I was in the car with you after you treated me and my friends to lunch and video games after I cleaned my room.  I asked while we were on our way back to the house."

Me:  "I was driving, right?"

DD:  "Yes."

Me:  "Was I looking at you?  Was I in the position to discuss this?  You know, I do happen to pay attention to driving and not all that much to you and your friends speed-talking a bunch of random stuff like you do.  When it comes down to asking for permission for things, you know I want to be sitting with you, face-to-face and really discuss this.... no distractions...  just you and me talking.  I see that as being respectful and being serious about getting permission."

DD:  "Well..... no, you were not looking at me.  I just figured you were listening and that it was okay, but you kept saying 'what?', and I figured you were just joking around so I made the assumption (yes, she used the word assumption) that I could.  Jeeze mom, you never seem to make the time to listen to anything I say.  It hurts my feelings that when I want to talk, you are not listening.  I swear, you just do not care about me."

Me:  "  I do listen and I do care, but when you decide you have to talk, you do this without fully explaining anything.  You just jump in half-way in a thought and assume I know what you are talking about.  Half of the time, what you do decide to talk to me about is what cool thing you found on YouTube or what new character you created on the Wii or your Nintendo DS...  not real important.  You have asked for permission for things before, but only after you already agreed to it before asking me, like if you can sleep over at a friend's house or if a friend can come over.  It puts me in a tough spot and I do my best to be reasonable, but I believed you knew better about things like this, DD, and joining anything on the internet needs more effort from you to actually have a discussion with me.  Never, in my dizziest of days, would I think you would just go and do something like this behind my back!  I am saddened to say, but I can no longer trust you and your judgement.  I am furious and disappointed with you!"

DD:  " I just don't get it, mom....  My friend has a Facebook account, a Twitter account, and Skype.... Why can't I?"

Me:  "Well, sweetheart, it is because I care far too much for your safety.  I do not care what your friends are allowed to have.... you are my responsibility and I am doing the best that I can.  I may not be as free in letting you take risks like your friend's parents and you need to respect me for that.  I am not your friend.... I am your mother!"

DD:  "You don't care about me!  We rarely talk and when I do... you look frustrated and not interested in what I have to say."

Me:  "HOW DARE YOU PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH BY SAYING SUCH A THING!!!  I DO care about you, and I DO look out for your best interests, and I DO listen... when you actually try to focus on having a discussion with me and not when you sputter out random crap that does not make sense!  Don't you dare play that teenage drama queen martyr card with me!  I am not buying it and I refuse to let you put words in my mouth that I have never spoken!  You hide in your room all day and rarely make an effort, so do not place the blame on my shoulders.  I try to respect your space and be reasonable, but apparently, that is not enough for you and you think you are mature enough to make some serious decisions.  How old do you think you are?  Are you 18 and able to vote?  Do you happen to pay the bills here?  Do you have a job?"

DD:  "I am only 12, mom, and no, I cannot vote, I do not have a job and I do not pay the bills here, but I can make decisions by myself.  You don't know me and you never tried.  I did not give out any personal information and Twitter does not ask your age or anything personal to join.  I would never tell anyone anything personal.  That, you told me is what makes the internet or life in general dangerous.  If you would just take the time to listen to me, you would not be so mad."

Me:  "Oh, sweetheart, you have not seen my full capabilities at being mad.  I am beyond mad and it is late, but I am going to tell you this....  Welcome to Hell, little girl.... you asked and I deliver!  That laptop that was my anniversary present from your father is now going to be in my possession again.  You want a computer?  Buy your own because I am not sharing anymore!  That freedom that you thought you earned is gone.  You are now going to be attached to my hip with no entertainment or internet for the rest of the week that you are off from school and I have plenty of errands to run tomorrow (meaning today), so go to bed and be ready early for a day with me.  Sheesh!  I have not even fully embraced the notion you have a boyfriend and you go and really jump over the line!  (shaking my head)  Just when I was starting to trust you again... you blow that to smithereens...  I hope you are proud of yourself..."

UGH!  I am sick to my stomach over this....  I hate being this way, but I have no choice....  Well, off to have yet another full day of talking with my daughter while I take her on my errands of the day.  I am having serious doubts that I can speak rationally with her anymore if I have to go over the same discussion over and over and over again.  Dear God, give me the strength to keep trying my best when it comes to her...  I just do not know if I have any more patience left.....

First lesson of the day for this child of mine.....  To understand that maturity is not an age thing, but having the ability to work within the limitations set in front of you.  Maturity is something reflected in actions, thought, and consideration of others.  Trust and respect are earned and not something you are entitled to.  All it takes is for one poor judgement call and the risk is far greater than the supposed reward you think you are getting.

Socially inept....

I have a love/hate relationship with my Facebook account!  Chances are, I am not the only one that feels the same.  You see, I love the concept of keeping in touch with friends, but I really have no talent in being actually social on a social site.  I mean, I can say "hi" and "here's to hoping everyone has a great day", heck I can even embellish the specific day to reflect the certain holiday like New Years, Valentines Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Oh heck, I can even embellish on saying "happy arbor day... now, go hug a tree!", if the mood moves me for those less than celebrated holidays.  I can be quirky, but not when it comes to typing something I think could be seen as funny.  When it comes to being "laugh out loud" funny...  it is a total crap shoot.  I can't tell a story about something without turning it into some long-winded account that requires me to blog about it so I can share a simple thought.  I realized that I lack the rep of being a sarcastic, crude, funny, nice, lovable, or as one friend acclaimed the status of being called "evil".  I am just.... me, and I really do not know anymore what that really is.  When I manage to post something, I realize that I look at it with an even more scrutinizing eye so that I do not get the dreaded phone call from my family about how I am socializing completely wrong and putting too much information out there for people to misconstrue.

I recall a time when I made a small complaint about having poor time management skills around Thanksgiving a few years back and ended up in a comment battle with my sister-in-law.  She thought I was complaining about my husband (her brother) on a public forum where he could not defend himself.  While I pointed out endless times that I said nothing in reference to my husband and that my comment is about my inability to get my list of things to do done in a timely manner....  I was labeled the bad buy.  Heck, my sister-in-law unfriended me and refused to be in the same room with me when we saw each other over the Christmas gathering at my in-law's house.  In all honesty, I really did not care all that much that she decided to shun me, but she did act in such a way that made me feel quite strongly to punch her in her smug face for being a drama queen.  Oh needless to say....  I know that people are prone to misunderstand what I put out there, so I spend a fair amount of time censoring and re-thinking everything I plan to share.  Heck, it is a strain to figure how to share what I just did share in this blog.  Yep, I am verbally stunted because of the ramifications of what I do, what I think and how I should feel.

Well, back to my love/hate situation.....  As I said before....  I love staying connected with friends, I hate being unable to share without being understood.  There is one other thing that I have come to the conclusion on.....  Facebook has become high school again.  The cliques at how people interact with one another.  I was never one to be in a clique in high school.  I had friends in every group out there.... from geeks/nerds to jocks to the party crew....  I knew a lot of people.  I was never categorized into one group because of my diversified selection of friends.  I was never the center of attention, but I was not hidden in the shadows either.  What bothered me back then was how the attention was spread.  You were either the center of attention or you were a loner; an outcast.  What was in between (like myself), was the elusive space in between....  memorable, but easily forgettable.  While I had it in me to push my way to at least try to be one of the more popular kids in school, my shy nature held me back and had me harbor ill feelings towards those that always were the center of attention.... you know.... the ones that everyone knew and you were not considered worthy to collect the dust in their wake.  Yep, the ones that everyone wanted to be friends with, but got shunned if you did not fit into their world.... this is where social sites, like Facebook, happen to highlight again regardless of the years past.  Well, except it is not really shunning, but feeling like you are invisible on the site.

I know that my friends are not like that, but it does come to mind when a person shares a feeling or thought and nobody comments on it.  It is probably because of how it is taken by the person reading the posting.  Either it comes off as bragging, complaining, or shoving a belief down the throats of everyone who sees it.  The quirky statuses that I have seen even leave me speechless about what to say, so I say nothing.  It is not being mean, it is just not bothering with typing the word "speechless" because of being unsure how to react to it.  I have been on the receiving end of some people that take what I share in a completely different way than I had intended.  That brings on reactions that were not even considered before pressing "send".  I can only gather that I am too afraid to really speak my mind because I would get someone angry.  I get enough fighting and the silent treatment at home, thank you, and I really do not want to burn the bridges that I have built a second time because I cannot be the constant social butterfly.  I just do not know what to do about it and it frustrates me to no end.  I really do not want to be the one clamoring for the coveted spotlight to be the center of attention, but I do not want to come off as a social repellent either.  I am too honest with my feelings and believe me.....  my life is not all rainbows and unicorns.  Really, who needs to be hearing the less than blissfully upbeat life that is mine and mine alone?  Sure, I can share deep thought about what happens around me, I can share my real feelings in a blog, but I really do not know where to stand when it comes to sharing.  I do not want pity for my shortcomings, but I do not want to rub it into everyone's face when something good comes my way, either.

So answer me this.....  what is acceptable to share these days?  Do I remain honest and guarded?  Or do I lie to everyone?  Do I need to share all the places I go?  Or do I share the more interesting things I happen to do?  I can tell people where I went to lunch or dinner, but saying I am eating in my kitchen is a bit boring, don't you think?  Or how I have completed the laundry for the week when everyone knows that next week I will be doing the same thing again?  I do not photograph well and taking my own picture of myself almost seems a bit egotistical if I do that all the time.  Especially since in my line of work, I am known to change my hair from time to time.  I happen to live a very quiet existence in my house with random moments of excitement, but what I consider exciting is far from thrilling in the eyes of others.  I read too many books to share my thoughts on every one of them, but I know that regardless of the genre that I am currently hooked into is not something that interests everyone, so why talk about it?  I can only gather that the reason that DH has nothing to say to me is because we really have nothing new to say.... we have no adventures to take, and our interests have changed.  I want to explore thought and feelings and he would rather sleep on the couch.  Of course, when he does decide to share feelings.... it is the anger that he has bottled up needing release and I am the apparently perfect candidate to taking the slings and arrows to have a nice, long span of time that I get the cold shoulder and silent treatment.  I just do not know anymore....  I am feeling that I need to stop trying to share because there are times I feel even more alone sharing than I do when I am actually alone.....  So there you have it.... a gray mood to match the gray looking day that I see from my window.....

Just thinking.... again....

Good morning/afternoon (depends on when I decide to share AND when you decide to read)....

With all of this reading that I have been doing lately, I have been dreaming of a vacation, of sorts, that I never thought I had considered.  Sadly, not every place I thought of consisted of raging excitement for my family, but has managed to peak my interest just a little.  While everyone dreams of the ultimate vacation to exotic places like the tropical climates of Aruba to the more adventurous locations like Australia, I have been thinking along some very different lines....  I have no clue where this thinking has come from, except for the heartwarming books I have immersed myself into, but I want to go to some little, unknown town somewhere, in fact anywhere, in Texas.  You know, a place where strangers to the town welcome you with open arms and fierce friends come quickly.  I want to walk into a small town bar in jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat to listen to a local band play their songs while I sit at the bar with a cold beer in my hand.  No crazy hustle and bustle surrounding me, just laid-back folks having a good time.

I remember, as a kid, I always had some strong attachment to country music, cowboy gear and wide, open spaces.  For a while, I openly admitted that I was country when country wasn't cool and I enjoyed my eclectic taste in music, but I always enjoyed the sounds of some classic country music in the style of such artists like Patsy Cline, Merle Haggard, The Bellamy Brothers, and such.  Believe me, I still enjoy some country music from time to time, but sadly, the more current artists are more contemporary than classic grass-roots stuff I enjoyed.  Garth Brooks comes to mind....  one of the many that managed to snag the appreciation from both Country as well as Pop culture.  No complaints about his abilities to sing... he does have a voice that manages to get a girl like me to drift off into la-la land.  I know that I have always been a sucker for a southern drawl and the gentlemanly acts of a well-taught-from-his-mama cowboy.  I still have a sigh in my voice when I think about the few southern gentlemen that I did manage to date for a very short while.  Sadly, suburban life was never for them and I was a little too unsure of myself to go running off to live the country life without the assurance of a ring on my finger as a guarantee that I was wanted to be there.  Heck, my early 20's were drama filled enough that I would run away before I saw anything through to the end.  I also knew that life offered no guarantees that I could even make it in a town that small and I had some pretty big dreams that could not be contained.  I was restless and I knew it.  Little did I know.... that once I settled down, I really settled down.  I am no longer the risk taker, no matter how lacking it was in others eyes, once I took the plunge into married life.  Yep, my wild oats were sown and all that is left is the tame and quiet person people see today.  That gets me thinking that I probably was made to be a really good fit in the laid-back south, but never bothered trying.... oh well, too late now.  All I can hope for is a chance for a vacation to one of those places and feel what I am apparently missing in my life.

I do find it interesting that even though DD is not a fan of country music, nor has the interest of ever going to some small town in Texas or wherever that still holds the local slang to a southern drawl...  I do see her being a fit in those places, too.  That small community where everyone knows everyone and gossip spreads like wildfire.  Just one of those places that waves and kind gestures are second nature like breathing has me still long to go there.  I just already know that the suburban life has settled too much in my family's bones to see this kind-of life being too boring that it would bring them to tears.  I can only guess that is why those Southern charmers that I dated happened to high-tail it back to the South....  Suburban life is way too city-living and high-paced for them.  Of course, I could never just drag my family off to a place that sounds just blissful to me.  I would have to take that trip alone to truly appreciate it and I seriously doubt that they would let me do that....  Heck, I would feel just awful leaving them behind if they did let me go.

I do recall in my younger days, taking a little trip to Nashville, Tennessee.  Well, I have taken a few, but I managed to take one by myself.  Driving straight there and taking in the sights was nice, but still lacked the small town feel that I longed for.  Come to think of it....  I think I realized the reason why I feel so drawn there...  to the south, that is....  It is the stress-free feeling of people not having real high expectations; to take life as it comes and just a smile is good enough.  Don't get me wrong....  I have no doubt that they wake up early to work a full long, and hard day, but when it comes to down time....  they know how to do it right and it does not require fighting over the remote and falling asleep on the couch.

So... Have you ever thought of where you would want to go that seemed odd for a vacation, but the reasoning behind it makes sense to only you?  Where would that be and would you ever just go to experience it?  I mean, a cruise along the ocean might seem nice, but just going somewhere off the beaten path might be just as nice.  Heck, having an adventure in the wilds of Australia sounds like a good time, but exploring somewhere that represents a speck on the map can be just as adventurous....  just not on such a huge scale.  I guess it is all in what you take from the experience and what you manage to see that others just can't that makes any adventure a worthwhile thing to do.  I really wish I could go on my Southern adventure, but alas, I know I can't and that is just plain sad.  Maybe I need to look at the local things I have around me with the same interest and awe as if it is a new place to experience and maybe that will ease the "travel bug" that is itching for release, but if you are able to take that trip....  I would highly recommend getting as many experiences as you can since we only get one chance at this thing we call.... life.

Thanks for taking the journey with me and have a great day!!!

No more, I say... NO MORE! (Yeah, right)

Spent yesterday cleaning house and realized that my previous attempts at getting my clutter-bug family to stop making a mess in their wake with going on strike are futile!  I have silently waited for their "ah-ha" moment to arrive that in order to have a clean house, you need to maintain what has already been cleaned.

Yeah, right....

No more, I say, no more being silent in my quest for having them see the light...  No more picking up after the typhoons of DH and DD while biting my tongue.  It has come to the pivotal moment that my silent enabling ways to end and I need to be more verbal in my quest.  Yep, yet another attempt to instill some semblance of change around here and I fear that I lack the gumption to follow through.  I HAVE BECOME A CREATURE OF HABIT LIKE THEM and I know it!!  

Yesterday was proof in the pudding, so to speak, that I need to change my ways in order to have them see the light.  As I spent my day sweeping, mopping, and scrubbing every surface in sight...  I became aware that my family likes to watch the cleaning magic unfold.  DH was the first one I noticed watching me toil away when he came home for lunch.  Now, I do not expect him to not take his midday break from working at the garage to assist me in cleaning the house and not eat his lunch, but really.... is the perpetual whining about making a tray of ice cubes really necessary?  Or the half-arsed way he deals with the mail when he walks in so daunting that he cannot throw away the junk mail when the garbage can is less than two steps away?  Or even moving an empty recyclable container a mere six inches into the bag set aside to collect said recyclables?  Gee whiz, man!  Didn't you read the memo?  Couldn't you buy a clue?  You know I spend my days cleaning around here, but all these added and completely unnecessary steps are killing me?  Do I really need to go around the house to gather the garbage that I haul out to the curb every week, too?  Do I really need to hunt for dirty clothes to wash, dry, fold, and put away for you?  I really do not mind doing the work, but these extra steps to achieve the end result are really hitting my last nerve....

Well, after cleaning up the mess that DH left behind from his quick lunch visit, I got back to the tasks that I was attending to before he came home.  In what felt like five minutes later, DD comes home from school.  The backpack lands on the floor, in the middle where people happen to walk and proceeds to make herself a snack.  Her coat gets thrown over a chair, her shoes are scattered in the path of the doorway, and she proceeds to pour herself a glass of fruit punch in the style of Tom Cruise from the movie "cocktail" and spills some of it on the just scrubbed table that I just freed from the pile of junk mail that DH could not just throw out.  She watches me climb onto a chair to start wiping the dust off the ceiling fan in the kitchen, hears the microwave "ding" and she takes off with a plate of heated frozen corn, but leaves the butter and the knife on the counter for me to deal with....  Sigh, I silently work on cleaning that up (which takes a whole 30 seconds) and realized that I will probably lose another utensil that will probably take up residence in her room.... Oh joy!  Then I hear laughter and weird noises from her room....  apparently, she is decompressing from her day with video chat with her friend that stayed home sick from school today.  Still, no dirty dishes returned to the rightful places an hour later.  I make my presence known while I scrub down the bathroom that she utilizes to find that room trashed with towels on the floor, dirty clothes spilling out into the hallway and garbage sitting on the counter.  After cleaning that up, I venture off to another part of the house to clean.... the bathroom that DH, DD and myself use the shower and hear DD wander into the already cleaned bathroom upstairs.  Just like the Febreeze commercial where the mom cleans up the toys to turn around and see all of the toys on the floor again.... I see all the stuff I put away in its rightful place....  scattered all over again!  Drawers to the vanity left open and the freshly washed towel laying on the floor just under where it should be hanging.  UGH!  I silently go about to clean it up again before I venture off to mopping the downstairs bathroom floor and take all that clothes that DH and DD have left around the house to the laundry room to sort and get ready to be washed, dried and folded.  A pile that needs to be folded and put away are sitting in a basket and I just shake my head and decide that I can get to it tomorrow.  It was time to take the garbage to the curb and I had to start making dinner soon.

As I walk into the kitchen, I find yet another spill on the table and this one managed to leave a little on the floor......  OH THIS IS IT!!!  "Oh, daughter!!!!" I shout.  "Yes, mom?" she says with a timid tone in her voice, knowing I am now clinging onto the last frayed nerve.  "While I happen to be placed on this Earth to take care of keeping the house clean, I would appreciate it if you STOP TRASHING THE PLACE!  Between you and your father.... I will be dead from exhaustion before my next birthday.  How about giving your mom a break and wipe up your spills, huh?  I just mopped today and I really do not think it is necessary to keep mopping until you go back to school tomorrow to have a break from that task.  I still need to forage for the dirty clothes that I know I overlooked since I cannot complete one room in one sweep.  Really, I take the weekend off and this house ends up looking like I never clean around here.  This is getting ridiculous!"  DD looks at me with that blank stare that tells me that she is selectively listening for key words to make it look like she is actually hearing me, but I know better.  DH does the same thing to me all-the-time...  I know that I have my work cut out for me when she takes a paper towel and places it over the spill and walks away....  UGH!

Well, after I think I have it all under control and to a level that I can manage, I leave some stuff to deal with today, but sadly, yet again, DH decided to have a snack after dinner and leaves a trail of chip crumbs from the kitchen to the living room and has no desire to pick them up.  I SNAP...  "You know I love you, right?" I say as the opening to try to soften the blow.  DH just looks at me, sighs and knows that I am rearing up to go into a tirade over the mess I now need to clean up again.  I pull out the vacuum and hand it to him and say.... "We no longer have a dog that is willing to suck up every last crumb you happen to drop throughout the house and I believe, since the last time I checked in the mirror, I am lacking 4-legs, fur, and the desire to eat garbage off the floor to be the family pet.  While I know that it is my job to maintain the inside of this house, I refuse to follow you around with a cleaning kit attached to my hip like my other neighbor.  I am willing to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry, but I really do not think it is fair that I have to scrounge around and collect the dirty clothes to wash them, or collect the dishes from all corners of the house to wash them, or redo something I already did like mopping or vacuuming just hours ago because you refuse to put your chips in something other than your hands as you walk about the house.  It is just common sense and common courtesy to at least try to keep things clean around here.  Most of the stuff is easy and remotely painless to do, but yet I have two of you proving to me that bending over to pick something up is far too difficult of a task for you to accomplish.  Now, while you are now being required to vacuum up this mess, I have to take the garbage to the curb and obviously cannot be in two places at once, so get cracking!"

Needless to say, I got the silent treatment from my family for the rest of the evening, but at least I got to stop cleaning an hour before falling unconscious on the couch.  So much for taking an hour or two to wind down with my book.  Well, off to do more....  My little snap from yesterday did not sink in their thick skulls...  I get to re-clean the bathrooms and the kitchen before I can tackle the laundry today.