It has come to my attention that judgement has been passed yet again. Sharing MY OWN PERSONAL thoughts is WRONG. That whatever I write about will get scrutinized to a point that other people that I do not name, nor do I tell anyone anything of importance about is going to be affected. That my own personal observations are completely incorrect and that I am lying about my own personal feelings. Heck, what I think about myself or remember in this journey that I call life is hurting everyone in my family and they are not the wiser about it (or so as I have been told). That there are actual people that will take a thought of one person and twist it into something that it is not. Or to take a figure of speech so literally that I am so incredibly wrong that I should be drawn and quartered.
As I try to figure out how to cut myself completely out of every avenue of existence via social media, I am also making this very public announcement.........
I AM TERRIBLY SORRY THAT SHARING MY THOUGHTS HAS CREATED SUCH AGONY WITH MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES, AND COMPLETE STRANGERS. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE VERY SMALL CHANCE THAT MY THOUGHTS WOULD MAKE ANY OF YOU THINK THAT I AM TARNISHING YOUR REPUTATION, DAMAGING CREDIBILITY, OR SOCIETAL STANDING. I AM SORRY IF THERE ARE OTHERS IN THIS WORLD WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CREATE A CONNECT THE DOTS STORY FROM THE THOUGHTS THAT I CHOSE TO SHARE. I AM SORRY THAT I AM NOT ONE THAT BELIEVES IN CREATING A PERFECT PICTURE THAT PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT I AM SO INCREDIBLE THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE IS A FAIRY-TALE. I AM SORRY THAT FREE THOUGHT CAME WITH SUCH REPERCUSSIONS TO ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH ME, OR EVEN MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME FROM AFAR. I WILL FOREVER BE IN YOUR DEBT IF I CAN BE FORGIVEN AND WHEN YOU HAVE THE COMPULSION TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING TO JUST NOT BOTHER ASKING ME. WHO KNOWS.... I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A THOUGHT THAT WILL SOMEHOW DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S FUTURE, REGARDLESS IF IT HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM BECAUSE..... YOU KNOW..... THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT MAKE IT THEIR LIFE'S AMBITION TO TWIST WORDS, THOUGHTS, AND ACTIONS IN A WAY TO CREATE A TORRENTIAL SHIT-STORM OF UNNECESSARY DRAMA, FINGER POINTING, AND SHAME-BLAMING. HOW DARE I TRY TO THINK FOR MYSELF AND ACTUALLY DO THE ONE THING I WAS TAUGHT AS A CHILD.... TO SHARE. I GUESS THERE IS A LIMIT TO WHAT I AM ALLOWED TO SHARE AND TO WHOM I SHARE WITH. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FREE THOUGHT, NOR AM I ALLOWED TO EVEN BE UNDERSTOOD THROUGH ASKING FURTHER CLARIFICATION. JUST GO AHEAD AND BLAME ME BECAUSE, HEY, I AM THE PERFECT PERSON TO BLAME.
Once I give this post a little time to be seen, I am going to delete my blog account. I am in the process of trying to delete my social media account so these people that claim to be so affected by my thoughts that had nothing to do with them and those that feel it is their job in life to pass judgement on me personally, won't feel the sting of just being blocked from my social media account by "unfriending" them. I have decided to just stop being on that social site at all. Sadly, my friends that supported me through my journey will be cut off in the process. Sorry, I just don't have it in me to hen-peck who my friends are anymore and I really do not want another phone call, asking me why they were "unfriended" from my Facebook account, so I am just ripping off the whole bandage. Take it personally or not, it is what I have to do.
Farewell readers of my blog.
Friday, September 23, 2016
The battle has begun..... again....
Years ago, I experienced something that changed me in a way that while I am the same person on the outside.... I am a different person on the inside.
I am one, of many that suffer from anxiety attacks. I know I am not alone, but in all honesty, I really feel.... alone.
Anxiety is, in the lamest of terms, an extreme attack of the mind filled with panic. Panic of the unknown for unknown reasons. It is difficult to get a person to understand that while there are stressful or frustrating times in your life... that it is not those situations that create these attacks. Sure, they may have a little truth in being a cause, but it is not the reason for them to happen. A person that suffers this disorder can be thinking of absolutely nothing or only on one task and there is a sudden feel of loss of control. The symptoms usually vary, but the resulting effect is the same... fear. That adrenaline rush to the body simply from the mind triggering reactions that really do not have a reason, but to just happen. Here is my story..... (The shortest version that I can think of)
A little over 18 years ago, I had my first panic attack. I never had one before, so I had no clue that this was the beginning of a lifelong battle. I was a mile from the church, on my way to get married. As with any bride to be, I had my concerns and I worried over just about everything, but I had hope that whatever obstacle came my way, that it could be dealt with. Really.... Nobody's wedding ever goes perfect. There is always a snag or an issue. It creates something memorable of the day. Most events become funny anecdotes later in life, but my timeline started there. I will say this.... I remember what I felt and it was not those happy flutters of excitement of getting married. It was downright scary! Feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest, cutting off my breathing. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that made me feel like I was about to collapse at any minute. The rapid heartbeat that pounded in my ears, at such a frantic pace that I thought my heart was going to stop beating from being overexerted. It was quite overwhelming when it hit so suddenly and quite confusing when it stopped so suddenly. As fast as it hit... I was feeling like it never happened when it ended.
I did my best to forget about it and I was actually fine for a while.... A week, to be exact. I had another attack. I was driving to work. I was on the expressway and had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so bad, that my fingers curled on their own accord. Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw a very pale and glazed over look in my eyes. I stepped out of my car and flagged down someone to help me. Fortunately, someone did stop and called for an ambulance. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was feeling better and ready to just send them away to let me continue driving to work. Of course, that is not allowed and DH had to make arrangements to get my car off the side of the expressway and back home. I do remember having these feelings on my way to my wedding and told the ER doctors to check me over. They found nothing and sent me home with the suggestion of breathing in a paper bag the next time I start to hyperventilate. Still, I had no definitive answers to what was wrong with me.
I was attack free for three days. It seemed that these frantic attacks with no apparent reason were getting more and more frequent. By the end of the third week since my first attack, I made an appointment to see the doctor. These "attacks" were starting to happen multiple times a day and if the doctor can see what is happening.... then maybe I will get answers to what is happening to me and make it stop.
While filling out the required paperwork for seeing a new doctor, I was hit with another attack. The doctor and nurses practically carried me into an exam room and the doctor checked me over from top to bottom. I even had an EKG to make sure my heart was alright. OF course, in hindsight, she already knew what was wrong with me. I was suffering panic attacks and seemed to be in the category of "generalized anxiety disorder". She sat down and really talked to me. Asked me questions about what I am going through... Beginning with my wedding day and getting to that day. There appeared to be a lot going on, but in my opinion.... not enough to see myself as being stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown.
With this being said, I was given a prescription of Xanax to get some control back in my life. I was told that this medication is highly addictive. Knowing that I have a family history of having addiction tendencies, I made a pact that once I get these attacks under control, I was going to get myself off these pills and learn how to cope without taking pills. My determination and resolve to read as much as I can, helped me find a method that worked for me. After being on pills for about three months, I stopped taking them and put my theories to the test and I became able to handle my panic attacks without pills for a little over 17 years.
That is when I learned that it is not the stress that can make a person break. It is the continual dealing with stressful situations that can create chemical imbalances in the mind. With these imbalances, it creates a sense of panic and fear, but with no real reasoning behind it. Once it starts, it does become a lifelong battle. Some people require medications to help calm the triggered nervous system. Can be long term or short term, but those affected are more prone to have repeat occurrences with no explanation to the cause. Makes it really hard to explain to someone that while we are all strong of mind, there are opportunities that can trigger strong emotional reactions. Sure, most people can handle these situations and not have a label placed upon them, but it is becoming more and more commonplace to hear that the mind, an ever changing and growing part of a person, become altered emotionally. It is, in no way of saying that there is some genetic mutation that makes people clinically depressed or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It just happens, but it does not make these people damaged. Just in need of understanding in a situation that cannot be understood by the person suffering.
I am, in no means an expert on the subject. I have read a lot of articles about panic attacks. I have personally experienced them. I just do not have answers when people ask me why I am panicking. What I do know is what I feel. I have no doubt that there are others that suffer in silence like I do. We look calm on the outside, but on the inside is a totally different story. The increased heartbeat that we can hear in our ears, the feeling of something heavy on our chest to where it feels like taking a breath is a struggle. The heaviness in the arms like there are weights strapped on our hands. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that is convincing enough to believe that you are going to face-plant the floor at any moment. That feeling of fear that you are going to die and the fear of making a spectacle of yourself in public. The inner shaking spells that feel like you are on shaky ground, but on the outside.... you don't see a tremor. The mind is racing about varying scenarios, trying to find the reason this is happening and squash it like a bug, but not being able to pinpoint a reason. That feeling of confusion and frustration that there is no way to stop it, but enduring the discomfort alone because if I can't explain it to myself.... how can someone else understand it.
Well, as I said earlier.... I was given Xanax to control these attacks because I needed time to learn how to create a skill set to dealing with them. With that almost 17 year run of handling these attacks, I felt the control start to slip a couple of weeks ago. I am letting small things affect me in a big way and that is not healthy. Responsibilities at home, at work, for my family and even for myself have been putting a huge strain on me. In all honesty, I have been handling everything just fine, but suddenly everything just became too overwhelming and I am back to taking those darned pills. I am not happy about this, but I am feeling a sense of relief that these life-altering attacks are getting under control again. This is the start of day number four and my attacks have diminished enough that I had a reasonably panic free day yesterday. What I feared would be a three-a-day dosing is only one pill a day and I take that at night. Knowing that I am not fully out of the woods just yet.... freeing myself from the constant underlying fear of an attack... I have hope that I can get my life back on track. The battle with anxiety is a lifelong one, but for those that suffer in silence with me.... I understand your pain and I have faith that we all will win the battle for a panic free day that can stretch out to a panic free week, to a panic free month, to a panic free year, and so on.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day...
I am one, of many that suffer from anxiety attacks. I know I am not alone, but in all honesty, I really feel.... alone.
Anxiety is, in the lamest of terms, an extreme attack of the mind filled with panic. Panic of the unknown for unknown reasons. It is difficult to get a person to understand that while there are stressful or frustrating times in your life... that it is not those situations that create these attacks. Sure, they may have a little truth in being a cause, but it is not the reason for them to happen. A person that suffers this disorder can be thinking of absolutely nothing or only on one task and there is a sudden feel of loss of control. The symptoms usually vary, but the resulting effect is the same... fear. That adrenaline rush to the body simply from the mind triggering reactions that really do not have a reason, but to just happen. Here is my story..... (The shortest version that I can think of)
A little over 18 years ago, I had my first panic attack. I never had one before, so I had no clue that this was the beginning of a lifelong battle. I was a mile from the church, on my way to get married. As with any bride to be, I had my concerns and I worried over just about everything, but I had hope that whatever obstacle came my way, that it could be dealt with. Really.... Nobody's wedding ever goes perfect. There is always a snag or an issue. It creates something memorable of the day. Most events become funny anecdotes later in life, but my timeline started there. I will say this.... I remember what I felt and it was not those happy flutters of excitement of getting married. It was downright scary! Feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest, cutting off my breathing. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that made me feel like I was about to collapse at any minute. The rapid heartbeat that pounded in my ears, at such a frantic pace that I thought my heart was going to stop beating from being overexerted. It was quite overwhelming when it hit so suddenly and quite confusing when it stopped so suddenly. As fast as it hit... I was feeling like it never happened when it ended.
I did my best to forget about it and I was actually fine for a while.... A week, to be exact. I had another attack. I was driving to work. I was on the expressway and had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so bad, that my fingers curled on their own accord. Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw a very pale and glazed over look in my eyes. I stepped out of my car and flagged down someone to help me. Fortunately, someone did stop and called for an ambulance. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was feeling better and ready to just send them away to let me continue driving to work. Of course, that is not allowed and DH had to make arrangements to get my car off the side of the expressway and back home. I do remember having these feelings on my way to my wedding and told the ER doctors to check me over. They found nothing and sent me home with the suggestion of breathing in a paper bag the next time I start to hyperventilate. Still, I had no definitive answers to what was wrong with me.
I was attack free for three days. It seemed that these frantic attacks with no apparent reason were getting more and more frequent. By the end of the third week since my first attack, I made an appointment to see the doctor. These "attacks" were starting to happen multiple times a day and if the doctor can see what is happening.... then maybe I will get answers to what is happening to me and make it stop.
While filling out the required paperwork for seeing a new doctor, I was hit with another attack. The doctor and nurses practically carried me into an exam room and the doctor checked me over from top to bottom. I even had an EKG to make sure my heart was alright. OF course, in hindsight, she already knew what was wrong with me. I was suffering panic attacks and seemed to be in the category of "generalized anxiety disorder". She sat down and really talked to me. Asked me questions about what I am going through... Beginning with my wedding day and getting to that day. There appeared to be a lot going on, but in my opinion.... not enough to see myself as being stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown.
With this being said, I was given a prescription of Xanax to get some control back in my life. I was told that this medication is highly addictive. Knowing that I have a family history of having addiction tendencies, I made a pact that once I get these attacks under control, I was going to get myself off these pills and learn how to cope without taking pills. My determination and resolve to read as much as I can, helped me find a method that worked for me. After being on pills for about three months, I stopped taking them and put my theories to the test and I became able to handle my panic attacks without pills for a little over 17 years.
That is when I learned that it is not the stress that can make a person break. It is the continual dealing with stressful situations that can create chemical imbalances in the mind. With these imbalances, it creates a sense of panic and fear, but with no real reasoning behind it. Once it starts, it does become a lifelong battle. Some people require medications to help calm the triggered nervous system. Can be long term or short term, but those affected are more prone to have repeat occurrences with no explanation to the cause. Makes it really hard to explain to someone that while we are all strong of mind, there are opportunities that can trigger strong emotional reactions. Sure, most people can handle these situations and not have a label placed upon them, but it is becoming more and more commonplace to hear that the mind, an ever changing and growing part of a person, become altered emotionally. It is, in no way of saying that there is some genetic mutation that makes people clinically depressed or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It just happens, but it does not make these people damaged. Just in need of understanding in a situation that cannot be understood by the person suffering.
I am, in no means an expert on the subject. I have read a lot of articles about panic attacks. I have personally experienced them. I just do not have answers when people ask me why I am panicking. What I do know is what I feel. I have no doubt that there are others that suffer in silence like I do. We look calm on the outside, but on the inside is a totally different story. The increased heartbeat that we can hear in our ears, the feeling of something heavy on our chest to where it feels like taking a breath is a struggle. The heaviness in the arms like there are weights strapped on our hands. The lightheaded and dizzy feeling that is convincing enough to believe that you are going to face-plant the floor at any moment. That feeling of fear that you are going to die and the fear of making a spectacle of yourself in public. The inner shaking spells that feel like you are on shaky ground, but on the outside.... you don't see a tremor. The mind is racing about varying scenarios, trying to find the reason this is happening and squash it like a bug, but not being able to pinpoint a reason. That feeling of confusion and frustration that there is no way to stop it, but enduring the discomfort alone because if I can't explain it to myself.... how can someone else understand it.
Well, as I said earlier.... I was given Xanax to control these attacks because I needed time to learn how to create a skill set to dealing with them. With that almost 17 year run of handling these attacks, I felt the control start to slip a couple of weeks ago. I am letting small things affect me in a big way and that is not healthy. Responsibilities at home, at work, for my family and even for myself have been putting a huge strain on me. In all honesty, I have been handling everything just fine, but suddenly everything just became too overwhelming and I am back to taking those darned pills. I am not happy about this, but I am feeling a sense of relief that these life-altering attacks are getting under control again. This is the start of day number four and my attacks have diminished enough that I had a reasonably panic free day yesterday. What I feared would be a three-a-day dosing is only one pill a day and I take that at night. Knowing that I am not fully out of the woods just yet.... freeing myself from the constant underlying fear of an attack... I have hope that I can get my life back on track. The battle with anxiety is a lifelong one, but for those that suffer in silence with me.... I understand your pain and I have faith that we all will win the battle for a panic free day that can stretch out to a panic free week, to a panic free month, to a panic free year, and so on.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day...
Monday, September 19, 2016
just thinking out loud....
I guess I am one of those people. One of those people that lacks the ability to think for only their needs and stomp on the jugular of others that refuse to jump to do their bidding or do so to climb to the top. In other words.... I am a nice person... to the core.... I am so flipping reasonably nice. And with that increased compassionately nice person that I happen to be... I am overly sensitive. Sure, I can blame this recent enlightenment to the dreaded M-word that also plagues me with hot flashes, but I truly believe that this nagging need to be so nice towards others is going to be the death of me!
For the past few weeks, heck, months, I have been doing my best to be reasonable. Considerate of others feelings that I suppress my not so positive attitude. Yep, flying in the cockpit of the malfunctioning hormonal plane from Menopausal Airlines is.... my "B-card". I am not saying that I am always the nicest person you will ever come across. There are times when I have had to use that dreaded B-card to get my point across. Of course, the only times I actually pulled out that vicious card is in times of extreme need to come out swinging. Usually in times when I was standing up for someone else, but I have been known to be one nasty piece of work when it is activated. Somehow, that lack of use of my B-card managed to let that nasty have some time to stew and marinate into something far bigger and meaner than I could ever imagine. It is literally clawing its way to the surface and with each slash of it's sharp talons... it is hurting me both mentally and physically.
With splitting headaches, sour stomach, body aches and pains.... it hits fast and furious. My nice tendencies are getting a beating every time I open my eyes. Sleep has been less than optimal. Back spasms that used to be almost set by a clock (usually happens around 3 in the morning), is now happening at completely unexpected times. Pain across my chest is bringing on the dreaded panic attacks that I thought were under control. Muscle cramps in my legs lasting far longer than the few minutes of pain into a 14 hour marathon of agony, along with a side of teetering on the threat of another cramp just under the surface. All it takes is one little stretch and I am back at square one.
While I would love to share this experience in a more verbal sense, I am reminded that I am surrounded with those other people that just don't give a flying fig about my agony. In fact, some of their actions (or better yet... non-actions), are pouring gasoline on an already blazing inferno that lies within me. Especially, when the dreaded anxiety and panic attacks hit me like a truck going 50mph into a steel-enforced brick wall head-on.
If you are ever wondering what a panic attack is like for me.... here it is in a nutshell...
I could be having a remotely good day and suddenly there is a crushing feeling in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe. I feel dizzy and lightheaded. There are aches and pains that radiate from my chest, to my neck, shoulders and down both arms. These aches are dull in nature. Like things fell asleep without that pins and needles feeling attached. First thought is heart attack. My head starts to pound like there is a migraine coming and a sour stomach feeling is starting to brew. All I want to do is be in a safe place to die if my feelings are true and this is a heart attack or stroke about to hit. I think about my family and worry about DD. I silently plead with God for another day.
When I mention a safe place to die, I am talking about being at home. When I am at home, no matter how water damaged it is at the moment, or how messy it is.... I seem to calm down just enough to get past the panic. You see, panic attacks and anxiety are centered upon control. The loss of control causes panic, the feeling of control eases the tension. I am not all that certain why being at home helps me feel control, but realizing that home is the one place I am familiar enough with seems to help somehow. Could be a shame thing. Come to think about it.... making others uncomfortable is probably why I would prefer to go home to collect myself. Less strangers watching and all that seems to be why.
When these effects seem to settle down, I am back to my normal self. Maybe a little shaken over it, but I am back to being okay. I'll have a few body aches from tensing up, but my mind stops racing, my pulse slows down and my breathing is back to a normal rate. While these panic attacks are unpredictable, I usually handle them on my own. I tried to ask for DH to help me talk them down in the past, but calls to his work are just a one way ticket to getting yelled at and his form of a pep talk of to "suck it up and get over yourself". All that tough love has managed me to not rely upon my spouse for support and it is not DD's job to help her mother put herself back together after falling apart so abruptly. I could turn to my mother, but she seems to have the same mentality as DH and makes it even harder to relax. My father is dead, my brother is hard to find and my sisters are quite possibly even harder to find in times of need. Of course, one of my sisters is a nurse and she would give me the most clinical of responses of seeing a doctor and get medicated for it. Believe me.... I went down that road and I did not like the feeling those drugs made me feel. Especially, when you are not in a panicked state. Sure, if I was to panic and know when it would happen.... I could probably take a pill to counter the effects, but anxiety and panic attacks do not come with a schedule or a standard set of events to tell you otherwise. Some days it can be as simple as a back spasm that does not want to quit, or a muscle cramp in my leg that remains just calm enough to be tolerable, but if I was to stretch just so....
In all honesty, I have considered to go back to daily medications because I have learned that stress can be a factor in creating anxiety/panic attacks. My tried and true method of diffusing the situation through distraction, diversion and redirection is not working. Heck, embracing the ultimate fear that seems to be in the center of these attacks (the fear of death), seems to not stop these events from hitting me from out of the blue. I can say that almost 18 years of living without anxiety medications is pretty good, but I just don't know if I have the strength in me to make it another 18 years. I was really hoping that I could muscle through this dreaded trip on the M-train. Heck, I have handled most of it on my own so far. The hot flashes are uncomfortable, but I have managed them. The mood swings are another beast that I am struggling with, but with keeping my distance, it seems to be working on diminishing the drama. I do what is expected of me and then I go hide in another room for the duration. My outgoing personality at work has been crushed, but I do manage to keep the quality in my work at a high level. I just keep to myself while I am there and no longer really interact with my coworkers. Those sneaky, underhanded attempts at poaching clients and the games the drama makers are playing are still going on, but my distance from them seems to look like I have risen above the BS. It still hurts that there are truly vindictive people out there that have a goal to hurt me, but I am at such a level of pain that I just don't care about about the games being played. Anxiety and depression have a way of traveling in pairs these days, but I have that smiley face sign like those commercials in my hand and nobody is the wiser. I guess the reason why I am still reluctant of seeing the doctor and getting medicated is that my perpetual living in denial that everything is okay regardless of the misery will open the curtains to what is making me so miserable and just increase the knowledge of it. I can't change people with their intentions and what is the purpose? Changing myself is not going to make them change, too. I guess my consideration of going to the doctor is to make what I am feeling a little less intense. I just hoped that I could do this without spending for a copay to see a professional and paying for a drug to alter me. I am still that nice person. Just a little broken.
For the past few weeks, heck, months, I have been doing my best to be reasonable. Considerate of others feelings that I suppress my not so positive attitude. Yep, flying in the cockpit of the malfunctioning hormonal plane from Menopausal Airlines is.... my "B-card". I am not saying that I am always the nicest person you will ever come across. There are times when I have had to use that dreaded B-card to get my point across. Of course, the only times I actually pulled out that vicious card is in times of extreme need to come out swinging. Usually in times when I was standing up for someone else, but I have been known to be one nasty piece of work when it is activated. Somehow, that lack of use of my B-card managed to let that nasty have some time to stew and marinate into something far bigger and meaner than I could ever imagine. It is literally clawing its way to the surface and with each slash of it's sharp talons... it is hurting me both mentally and physically.
With splitting headaches, sour stomach, body aches and pains.... it hits fast and furious. My nice tendencies are getting a beating every time I open my eyes. Sleep has been less than optimal. Back spasms that used to be almost set by a clock (usually happens around 3 in the morning), is now happening at completely unexpected times. Pain across my chest is bringing on the dreaded panic attacks that I thought were under control. Muscle cramps in my legs lasting far longer than the few minutes of pain into a 14 hour marathon of agony, along with a side of teetering on the threat of another cramp just under the surface. All it takes is one little stretch and I am back at square one.
While I would love to share this experience in a more verbal sense, I am reminded that I am surrounded with those other people that just don't give a flying fig about my agony. In fact, some of their actions (or better yet... non-actions), are pouring gasoline on an already blazing inferno that lies within me. Especially, when the dreaded anxiety and panic attacks hit me like a truck going 50mph into a steel-enforced brick wall head-on.
If you are ever wondering what a panic attack is like for me.... here it is in a nutshell...
I could be having a remotely good day and suddenly there is a crushing feeling in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe. I feel dizzy and lightheaded. There are aches and pains that radiate from my chest, to my neck, shoulders and down both arms. These aches are dull in nature. Like things fell asleep without that pins and needles feeling attached. First thought is heart attack. My head starts to pound like there is a migraine coming and a sour stomach feeling is starting to brew. All I want to do is be in a safe place to die if my feelings are true and this is a heart attack or stroke about to hit. I think about my family and worry about DD. I silently plead with God for another day.
When I mention a safe place to die, I am talking about being at home. When I am at home, no matter how water damaged it is at the moment, or how messy it is.... I seem to calm down just enough to get past the panic. You see, panic attacks and anxiety are centered upon control. The loss of control causes panic, the feeling of control eases the tension. I am not all that certain why being at home helps me feel control, but realizing that home is the one place I am familiar enough with seems to help somehow. Could be a shame thing. Come to think about it.... making others uncomfortable is probably why I would prefer to go home to collect myself. Less strangers watching and all that seems to be why.
When these effects seem to settle down, I am back to my normal self. Maybe a little shaken over it, but I am back to being okay. I'll have a few body aches from tensing up, but my mind stops racing, my pulse slows down and my breathing is back to a normal rate. While these panic attacks are unpredictable, I usually handle them on my own. I tried to ask for DH to help me talk them down in the past, but calls to his work are just a one way ticket to getting yelled at and his form of a pep talk of to "suck it up and get over yourself". All that tough love has managed me to not rely upon my spouse for support and it is not DD's job to help her mother put herself back together after falling apart so abruptly. I could turn to my mother, but she seems to have the same mentality as DH and makes it even harder to relax. My father is dead, my brother is hard to find and my sisters are quite possibly even harder to find in times of need. Of course, one of my sisters is a nurse and she would give me the most clinical of responses of seeing a doctor and get medicated for it. Believe me.... I went down that road and I did not like the feeling those drugs made me feel. Especially, when you are not in a panicked state. Sure, if I was to panic and know when it would happen.... I could probably take a pill to counter the effects, but anxiety and panic attacks do not come with a schedule or a standard set of events to tell you otherwise. Some days it can be as simple as a back spasm that does not want to quit, or a muscle cramp in my leg that remains just calm enough to be tolerable, but if I was to stretch just so....
In all honesty, I have considered to go back to daily medications because I have learned that stress can be a factor in creating anxiety/panic attacks. My tried and true method of diffusing the situation through distraction, diversion and redirection is not working. Heck, embracing the ultimate fear that seems to be in the center of these attacks (the fear of death), seems to not stop these events from hitting me from out of the blue. I can say that almost 18 years of living without anxiety medications is pretty good, but I just don't know if I have the strength in me to make it another 18 years. I was really hoping that I could muscle through this dreaded trip on the M-train. Heck, I have handled most of it on my own so far. The hot flashes are uncomfortable, but I have managed them. The mood swings are another beast that I am struggling with, but with keeping my distance, it seems to be working on diminishing the drama. I do what is expected of me and then I go hide in another room for the duration. My outgoing personality at work has been crushed, but I do manage to keep the quality in my work at a high level. I just keep to myself while I am there and no longer really interact with my coworkers. Those sneaky, underhanded attempts at poaching clients and the games the drama makers are playing are still going on, but my distance from them seems to look like I have risen above the BS. It still hurts that there are truly vindictive people out there that have a goal to hurt me, but I am at such a level of pain that I just don't care about about the games being played. Anxiety and depression have a way of traveling in pairs these days, but I have that smiley face sign like those commercials in my hand and nobody is the wiser. I guess the reason why I am still reluctant of seeing the doctor and getting medicated is that my perpetual living in denial that everything is okay regardless of the misery will open the curtains to what is making me so miserable and just increase the knowledge of it. I can't change people with their intentions and what is the purpose? Changing myself is not going to make them change, too. I guess my consideration of going to the doctor is to make what I am feeling a little less intense. I just hoped that I could do this without spending for a copay to see a professional and paying for a drug to alter me. I am still that nice person. Just a little broken.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
The system.....
It is well known that there is a system in place for everything and that system is designed to never be on your side. Let's face it..... Insurance companies thrive on people that never utilize the service. For those that happen to require help are scrutinized within an inch of a microbe and kicked repeatedly.
As I sit here, writing my thoughts in today's blog entry, I am literally feeling sick to my stomach. I managed to let out a good, long cry at a situation that is slowly killing my soul. I still happen to not have the ability to stop the waterworks to see my keyboard as I try to construct sentences that describe my myriad of thoughts that are zipping around in my mind. In all honesty, I have no clue where the brunt of the blame shall be placed. Here is my story.....
When I met DH, I was in a low place. Having gone through yet another cruel breakup of a relationship. I had serious doubts that there are any good men out there for me to have a future with. It was not like I was looking to get married and pop out that national average of 2.5 kids with that house and the white picket fence any time soon. I just felt.... incomplete. Worthless. With the track record of being a serial dater of losers that were in the categories of abusers, control freaks, insecure clingers and psychopaths and just about everything in between, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I had zero interest in ever dating again. Relationships did not hold any appeal to me anymore. But there he was, walking into the bar at which I sat and was figuring a way to pick up my broken pieces and move forward. Looking down at my Miller Lite, I hear this person (who is DH) ask the bartender if they carry Old Style. I had to chuckle. Old Style is, in my opinion, the most disgusting thing to drink in a beer. When the bartender said, "No. We carry all Miller products here and a few foreign selections. Sorry dude, is there something else you would like?", I heard the sigh of a resigned man and ordered a MGD, complaining about the lack of this bar supplying a "good" beer. Of course, he said it in a way that made me smile. A smile that had not graced upon my face in a good, long time. DH noticed me sitting alone at the bar, laughing at him and he takes the bar stool next to me. He started a conversation with me and my evening was filled with a lot of laughing. Something I desperately needed if I was going to pick up my broken pieces and trudge onward in life. When the topic of my thoughts on Old Style beer was brought up, he kicked the bar stool out from under me. and I have said to so many.... the rest is history. We started as friends and ended up getting married. That was over 18 years ago.
With my desire to live anywhere, but where I grew up, I ended up marrying a man that bought his house in my hometown and wanted to grow roots there. Yep, I live roughly 6 blocks away from my childhood home, and have been for the past 19 years. Talk about living an adventure, right? Luckily, I at least managed to have a few vacations that happened to be in other states, so I did get to see the world (at least, the country I live in), for a little bit.
Our marriage is not the easiest, nor is it the hardest. I have carried the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for just about all the marriage. When our daughter was born, I carried even more. Sure, DH paid the bills. He makes more than I do. He makes sure we have all the necessary insurances in place (home, auto, health, and he is the only one with life insurance - I can't afford any life insurance for myself yet). On paper, we are doing okay. In life, we get along just fine. There is a lot of tension regarding how we live together. He sees things one way, and I see them in a different light. Most likely to blame for that is how we were raised differently, but we do try every day to make compromises in our rooted beliefs and make things work. We don't fight all that often, but when we do.... it is viciously fought with words. Feelings get hurt quite often, but we do try harder to understand each other. I guess that with both of us being stubborn and at least willing to try a compromise, we have lasted this long.
Sadly, when the economic crash of 2008 came about, we struggled to hold everything together. I looked for more work while DH took a HUGE pay cut to keep his business going. With threats of losing both our house and his business, we budgeted everything down to the last penny. Grocery shopping is done as a family with a list every week. Being frugal is our way of life. It is 8 years later, and we are still struggling to stay afloat. We can say that we still have our house and DH still has his business. I did manage to find more work and I contribute more than before, but when it comes down to the future.... we are nowhere near ready for retirement, nor can we even afford any surprises. DD is nearing the stage of graduating high school and we don't have nearly enough to afford to send her to college. Simply put.... we are broke, but surviving.
With DH's health issues with his heart, DD's asthma, and my back issues.... we pay plenty for healthcare. Every spare penny we have has been squirreled away to pay for medications and co-pays for doctor visits. Little did I know that one heavy rain in May of 2016 could kill my hopes for a healthy home. Well, that and DH's inability of seeing the importance of maintaining our home. We now have water damage hitting the surface of the interior of our home. My kitchen is ruined, my lower bathroom is starting to get mold and according to the homeowner's insurance claims adjuster.... this damage is seen as long term damage and is possibly not covered by our insurance. Meaning, the tens of thousands of damage to my home, which increases in cost every day that it is not attended to, is now the responsibility of the homeowner to handle. All I can say is... great, just great! We don't have the money to do regular maintenance on our home and now we get to watch our money go to pay for insurance that does not repair damage that was never seen until just recently? It is not like I burrow into the walls of my home to see if there is a potential issue. Heck, DH never had the desire to do any remodeling of this house when he bought it. It took my one weakness of peeling off loose wallpaper in the apparent "master bedroom" to get him to invest in paint and new carpeting. Sure, we have bought furniture over the years, but that is well after there is zero ability of saving it. Heck, I still have a recliner that is so worn out that the stuffing is showing and DH has reinforced the frame once it became lopsided and couldn't recline anymore. My appliances are as old, if not older than me, and have been slapped with enough band-aid repairs by DH that I am surprised that my house has not blown up yet. I have overgrown trees that are half dead in my yard and shrubs that are so overgrown that trimming them back results in almost zero foliage on them. Just bare and dead branches. The past two weekends, with more on the horizon, will be filled with digging out yet another mostly dead bush. My living room carpet is stained from juice and Kool-aid from DD's childhood. Those stains never come out. I have tried and even paid professionals to try. The paint is peeling in my house as well as outside of it because every time I try to entice DH to paint with me, he plays dead on the broken down recliner, that is, after asking me where we can find the money to afford to do such a minimal upgrade if the rest of the house is falling apart. Something like putting lipstick on a pig I think has been said, or spraying perfume in a dumpster. Meaning, it is not really worth it. Of course, DH's drive to do anything is way off course to what is important. He spent a day in a Spring snowstorm, digging out a bush to fix the gas line to the gas lamp in the front yard. Didn't matter that we have ceramic tiles popping in the upstairs bathroom that I now hide with strategically placed bath rugs, nor is he concerned with the peeling laminate on the kitchen and upstairs bathroom cabinets, nor is he interested in replacing the downstairs bathroom vanity that is lopsided from water damage of the last flood we had a few years back. Nope, nope, nope.
Now, with the sagging and crumbling particle board of a corner kitchen cabinet that I had to empty out and throw everything away, you would think that he would feel a little inkling to fixing the damage, but NO. He at least took it upon himself to redirect the downspout on the roof for better water flow when it rains so it does not pour in the house anymore. Not exactly a ball of fire to get the roof fixed and replace the water damaged wood up on the roof. We got one estimate from a guy that is a friend of a guy that is friends with a guy that is friends with DH. This seven degrees of separation thing is getting to be a bit much, but DH refuses to get more estimates and he has not given approval for someone.... anyone... to fix this stuff. I really do not want to see my house rot away and mold over, regardless of how much I hate this house. Hated it from the beginning, but agreed to stay. Heck, when I married DH, I married this house! Should have known better!! Stupid me!!
Well, with DH's lack of enthusiasm to fixing the house, I took it upon myself to talk to our insurance agent. I took time off from work to do so. After a long discussion, I was told a few things..... 1). There is a 70/30 chance that our homeowner's policy will cover this. And 2). DH needs to reevaluate his method of insurance because he could be saving us roughly $800 a year if he upped our deductible and added our car insurance to this policy. Sure, a $250 deductible is enticing to keep if there was ever a claim to be approved, but in all the years of owning this house (or better yet, paying a mortgage on it), we have never made a claim. Not once. Figuring I could take my chances on getting a resolution that DH could get on board with, I met with the claims representative and here I am.... sick to my stomach, crying, and feeling completely defeated because after his little look around.... the words "long term damage" is prevalent and "possibly not covered" being tossed my way. I am now slinking down into the quicksand of despair. We overpay for insurance that is trying to deny us help in our time of need, I have a significant other that refuses to make headway in a solution to the problem at hand, and I have a house that will probably kill us all with the damage that has been hidden for so long behind the walls. I would love to get a loan and get everything fixed and be done with it, but we can't afford another bill in our lap. If I could be blessed with good fortune and win the lottery, that would be nice, but the state of Illinois is not paying out large lottery winnings. It is not like I need millions of dollars here. Just a million to get all the necessary things taken care of like, repair the house, pay the bills off, have money to let DD go to college debt free. and maybe.... just maybe....put a little away for the next rainy day.
So with my feeling like garbage over this whole situation.... Who shall receive the pent up wrath that is boiling under my skin? DH for not caring enough to do something? The insurance company for making me feel completely defeated because I fear that they won't help us? The system that makes it do darn hard to get ahead? Or me, because I don't know how to fight the system.
Sorry this was so long, but I had to get it out. Ending my rant here... dropping the mic.... and I am out! Thanks for reading.
As I sit here, writing my thoughts in today's blog entry, I am literally feeling sick to my stomach. I managed to let out a good, long cry at a situation that is slowly killing my soul. I still happen to not have the ability to stop the waterworks to see my keyboard as I try to construct sentences that describe my myriad of thoughts that are zipping around in my mind. In all honesty, I have no clue where the brunt of the blame shall be placed. Here is my story.....
When I met DH, I was in a low place. Having gone through yet another cruel breakup of a relationship. I had serious doubts that there are any good men out there for me to have a future with. It was not like I was looking to get married and pop out that national average of 2.5 kids with that house and the white picket fence any time soon. I just felt.... incomplete. Worthless. With the track record of being a serial dater of losers that were in the categories of abusers, control freaks, insecure clingers and psychopaths and just about everything in between, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I had zero interest in ever dating again. Relationships did not hold any appeal to me anymore. But there he was, walking into the bar at which I sat and was figuring a way to pick up my broken pieces and move forward. Looking down at my Miller Lite, I hear this person (who is DH) ask the bartender if they carry Old Style. I had to chuckle. Old Style is, in my opinion, the most disgusting thing to drink in a beer. When the bartender said, "No. We carry all Miller products here and a few foreign selections. Sorry dude, is there something else you would like?", I heard the sigh of a resigned man and ordered a MGD, complaining about the lack of this bar supplying a "good" beer. Of course, he said it in a way that made me smile. A smile that had not graced upon my face in a good, long time. DH noticed me sitting alone at the bar, laughing at him and he takes the bar stool next to me. He started a conversation with me and my evening was filled with a lot of laughing. Something I desperately needed if I was going to pick up my broken pieces and trudge onward in life. When the topic of my thoughts on Old Style beer was brought up, he kicked the bar stool out from under me. and I have said to so many.... the rest is history. We started as friends and ended up getting married. That was over 18 years ago.
With my desire to live anywhere, but where I grew up, I ended up marrying a man that bought his house in my hometown and wanted to grow roots there. Yep, I live roughly 6 blocks away from my childhood home, and have been for the past 19 years. Talk about living an adventure, right? Luckily, I at least managed to have a few vacations that happened to be in other states, so I did get to see the world (at least, the country I live in), for a little bit.
Our marriage is not the easiest, nor is it the hardest. I have carried the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for just about all the marriage. When our daughter was born, I carried even more. Sure, DH paid the bills. He makes more than I do. He makes sure we have all the necessary insurances in place (home, auto, health, and he is the only one with life insurance - I can't afford any life insurance for myself yet). On paper, we are doing okay. In life, we get along just fine. There is a lot of tension regarding how we live together. He sees things one way, and I see them in a different light. Most likely to blame for that is how we were raised differently, but we do try every day to make compromises in our rooted beliefs and make things work. We don't fight all that often, but when we do.... it is viciously fought with words. Feelings get hurt quite often, but we do try harder to understand each other. I guess that with both of us being stubborn and at least willing to try a compromise, we have lasted this long.
Sadly, when the economic crash of 2008 came about, we struggled to hold everything together. I looked for more work while DH took a HUGE pay cut to keep his business going. With threats of losing both our house and his business, we budgeted everything down to the last penny. Grocery shopping is done as a family with a list every week. Being frugal is our way of life. It is 8 years later, and we are still struggling to stay afloat. We can say that we still have our house and DH still has his business. I did manage to find more work and I contribute more than before, but when it comes down to the future.... we are nowhere near ready for retirement, nor can we even afford any surprises. DD is nearing the stage of graduating high school and we don't have nearly enough to afford to send her to college. Simply put.... we are broke, but surviving.
With DH's health issues with his heart, DD's asthma, and my back issues.... we pay plenty for healthcare. Every spare penny we have has been squirreled away to pay for medications and co-pays for doctor visits. Little did I know that one heavy rain in May of 2016 could kill my hopes for a healthy home. Well, that and DH's inability of seeing the importance of maintaining our home. We now have water damage hitting the surface of the interior of our home. My kitchen is ruined, my lower bathroom is starting to get mold and according to the homeowner's insurance claims adjuster.... this damage is seen as long term damage and is possibly not covered by our insurance. Meaning, the tens of thousands of damage to my home, which increases in cost every day that it is not attended to, is now the responsibility of the homeowner to handle. All I can say is... great, just great! We don't have the money to do regular maintenance on our home and now we get to watch our money go to pay for insurance that does not repair damage that was never seen until just recently? It is not like I burrow into the walls of my home to see if there is a potential issue. Heck, DH never had the desire to do any remodeling of this house when he bought it. It took my one weakness of peeling off loose wallpaper in the apparent "master bedroom" to get him to invest in paint and new carpeting. Sure, we have bought furniture over the years, but that is well after there is zero ability of saving it. Heck, I still have a recliner that is so worn out that the stuffing is showing and DH has reinforced the frame once it became lopsided and couldn't recline anymore. My appliances are as old, if not older than me, and have been slapped with enough band-aid repairs by DH that I am surprised that my house has not blown up yet. I have overgrown trees that are half dead in my yard and shrubs that are so overgrown that trimming them back results in almost zero foliage on them. Just bare and dead branches. The past two weekends, with more on the horizon, will be filled with digging out yet another mostly dead bush. My living room carpet is stained from juice and Kool-aid from DD's childhood. Those stains never come out. I have tried and even paid professionals to try. The paint is peeling in my house as well as outside of it because every time I try to entice DH to paint with me, he plays dead on the broken down recliner, that is, after asking me where we can find the money to afford to do such a minimal upgrade if the rest of the house is falling apart. Something like putting lipstick on a pig I think has been said, or spraying perfume in a dumpster. Meaning, it is not really worth it. Of course, DH's drive to do anything is way off course to what is important. He spent a day in a Spring snowstorm, digging out a bush to fix the gas line to the gas lamp in the front yard. Didn't matter that we have ceramic tiles popping in the upstairs bathroom that I now hide with strategically placed bath rugs, nor is he concerned with the peeling laminate on the kitchen and upstairs bathroom cabinets, nor is he interested in replacing the downstairs bathroom vanity that is lopsided from water damage of the last flood we had a few years back. Nope, nope, nope.
Now, with the sagging and crumbling particle board of a corner kitchen cabinet that I had to empty out and throw everything away, you would think that he would feel a little inkling to fixing the damage, but NO. He at least took it upon himself to redirect the downspout on the roof for better water flow when it rains so it does not pour in the house anymore. Not exactly a ball of fire to get the roof fixed and replace the water damaged wood up on the roof. We got one estimate from a guy that is a friend of a guy that is friends with a guy that is friends with DH. This seven degrees of separation thing is getting to be a bit much, but DH refuses to get more estimates and he has not given approval for someone.... anyone... to fix this stuff. I really do not want to see my house rot away and mold over, regardless of how much I hate this house. Hated it from the beginning, but agreed to stay. Heck, when I married DH, I married this house! Should have known better!! Stupid me!!
Well, with DH's lack of enthusiasm to fixing the house, I took it upon myself to talk to our insurance agent. I took time off from work to do so. After a long discussion, I was told a few things..... 1). There is a 70/30 chance that our homeowner's policy will cover this. And 2). DH needs to reevaluate his method of insurance because he could be saving us roughly $800 a year if he upped our deductible and added our car insurance to this policy. Sure, a $250 deductible is enticing to keep if there was ever a claim to be approved, but in all the years of owning this house (or better yet, paying a mortgage on it), we have never made a claim. Not once. Figuring I could take my chances on getting a resolution that DH could get on board with, I met with the claims representative and here I am.... sick to my stomach, crying, and feeling completely defeated because after his little look around.... the words "long term damage" is prevalent and "possibly not covered" being tossed my way. I am now slinking down into the quicksand of despair. We overpay for insurance that is trying to deny us help in our time of need, I have a significant other that refuses to make headway in a solution to the problem at hand, and I have a house that will probably kill us all with the damage that has been hidden for so long behind the walls. I would love to get a loan and get everything fixed and be done with it, but we can't afford another bill in our lap. If I could be blessed with good fortune and win the lottery, that would be nice, but the state of Illinois is not paying out large lottery winnings. It is not like I need millions of dollars here. Just a million to get all the necessary things taken care of like, repair the house, pay the bills off, have money to let DD go to college debt free. and maybe.... just maybe....put a little away for the next rainy day.
So with my feeling like garbage over this whole situation.... Who shall receive the pent up wrath that is boiling under my skin? DH for not caring enough to do something? The insurance company for making me feel completely defeated because I fear that they won't help us? The system that makes it do darn hard to get ahead? Or me, because I don't know how to fight the system.
Sorry this was so long, but I had to get it out. Ending my rant here... dropping the mic.... and I am out! Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Is it wrong?
Have you ever just figured that giving up is the answer?
While I know that words can be misunderstood and taken out of context, let me elaborate on that statement....
I am, by no means, suicidal. I have no desire to take my own life. In all honesty, I fear death. Want proof? I suffer panic attacks that are solely based in fear of death. I pray every night to God for another day to be there for me when I wake up. I absolutely freak out when I have had a dizzy spell or when I can feel my heartbeat increase. I am not a risk taker and if I could.... I would lock everyone I care about in a padded room to keep them safe from harm with me, but I know that life is a risk and as in life, there is death. Not exactly all that thrilled about the end being death, but in my battles with anxiety and panic disorder.... I had to make an agreement with myself that while death is lurking in the shadows, I need to appreciate every day that I am alive. While there are moments that make me wonder why it seems that I am the only one being punished with all these misfortunes, I still take the time to appreciate that I have these moments to experience. It would just be nice to not have so many misfortunes happening around me.
What I mean by "giving up", is just no longer trying to change the situation. Coming to a sense of acceptance that this will happen and do my best at all times. To hold my head up and say, "I did the best I could and while it appears it was not enough, I am okay with it.". You know, let the chips fall where they may and accept it for what it is.
It is these games that seem to have one goal in mind that bothers me. Those games to knock me down and the additional games to keep me there. It is that coworker that tries to steal clients, or that backstabbing friend that talks smack about you, or even that family member that treats you like an idiot. While it is common practice to ignore the negative thoughts of others you have no connection with, it is still that little nagging voice that reminds you that there will be people passing judgement on you just for being yourself. I get it that nobody can please everybody all the time, but in this day and age, it appears that there is a lot of negativity flying around. Bullies picking on people that are different or, in some cases, better than the bully. We all have had some experience with bullying. I know I did. My existence in school was a nightmare! While there were some good memories, there were a lot of hurt feelings running through my veins. I am still a little sensitive about it all, but I did manage to get through it relatively unscathed. Not everyone knows what I went through and I really would not want to rehash it in a blog, but lets just say.... I have never truly loved myself because of it. And that is pretty sad because I have so much love to give.
The only reason I seem to be coming to the conclusion that not trying anymore is the answer is because it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't catch a break. I am just so darn tired of getting back up after being kicked down.
So.... Is it wrong to just give up trying?
Friday, September 2, 2016
The games people play.....
There are evil people in this world! And the most evil are those that cloak themselves in purity and innocence for the world to see. What makes these evil people so dangerous is the games that they play.....
I have noticed lately that there is a lot of games being played and it pains me to say that there is no real escape from the evil that lurks beneath the surface. These games are utilized to manipulate others to do their bidding. Innocent and well-meaning people are sucked into the vortex of dismay created by these manipulators of not just their own existence, but the existence of others. I guess I need to clarify this point.....
Have you ever come across a person that uses guilt as a tool to get what they want out of life? How about that self-righteous person that spews lies as truth in order to twist a situation to place blame upon another? How about that two-faced person that is all sweetness to your face, but once your back is turned.... rumors fly and reputations get ruined? All games being played for the sole purpose to gain something from others with zero consideration of who they hurt in the process.
I have witnessed countless acts of cruelty over the past few months. So many, that I have been doing my best to avoid being sucked into the drama that these games create. Sadly, my attempts are being noticed and misread. It appears that my choice to not get involved puts me in a position that I have no choice, but to either share my feelings or act upon a knee-jerk reaction to the situation at hand. Of course, I am well versed in being tolerant and reasonable.
Being the kind-heart that I am, I lack having a malicious side. Not saying that I could think of malicious things. That, is simple. It is the acting upon those thoughts that does not exist. I just don't have it in me to be manipulative and cruel. If I ever was remotely even in the ballpark of being that way.... it only is capable of reaching the level of quiet and withdrawn. And with that in mind.... it is far from malicious, cruel, or even manipulative. It is just me not wanting to play that game.
Just recently, I was lied to about something that was considered important to me and my job. To add insult to injury, the game took a turn and is riddled with being berated, belittled, and blamed for things I do or did not do. Favoritism at it's finest is center stage and every move I make is scrutinized and twisted in order to find cause to strike first and ask for forgiveness later. I have been watching this happen to others, that happen to have a heart of gold like I do. Watching them struggle and second guess the most mundane of tasks is quite upsetting. Apparently, these events are the reason of endless internet searches for inspirational sayings that can offer a little light in a place so filled with darkness. Really, why does it have to be this way??
I have been well versed in the game of, "I win, you lose". That game to where you do not realize you are playing because no matter what you try to so for another.... it is never enough, and it is always done wrong. The other person always wins. No matter how often to try to change to appease that person.... they change the rules in order to make sure you the loser. I have put in what seems like endless years of trying to make people happy. In my family and in my marriage, but I just can't seem to win. While the saying goes, "you cannot please everyone all the time", it is even harder to please one person when that person plays the I win, you lose game. All I managed to learn from this game is never speaking my mind in order to survive. So far, it seems to be working. Makes me sick to my stomach when I do this, but a couple antacids and a good cry at night makes it more bearable. Fortunately, the need for antacids and crying is getting less and less these days when it comes to this aspect of my life. That is definitely a relief in my book. And maybe a small win. A girl can hope, right?
What has become a bitter pill to swallow these days is the games at work that are being played. There is one game master there that has managed to make it miserable for everyone else there. Well, not all, but most. Cloaked in innocence, or it could be just plain acting clueless, that has given this girl the golden ticket, the get out of jail free card, and the winning lottery ticket. Her insecurities are her blanket and she has people trained to do her bidding. All she has to do is bat her lashes and she gets the free pass to wreak havoc in the workplace. With her Cheshire grin and guilt oozing out of her pores, people fall prey. I have watched her get away with far too much. Of course, she has had her sights set on making my life miserable at work and is succeeding. I swallow down more frustration than any rational person can handle, and sometimes a little more than what can be handled. I have tried to place the spotlight on this girl's manipulative behavior for our boss to see and hopefully, to correct before it gets out if hand, but sadly, she has the boss mesmerized by her little spiel and allows her manipulative ways to happen. Heck, my boss apologizes for her behavior, but refuses to reprimand her for it. I fear my days are numbered, but I am even more afraid of finding a new workplace that turns out to be worse than the last place I was at. Life offers no guarantees and believe me.... either my picker of workplaces is off or I am an easy target to fool. Either way.... I am a little apprehensive to make a move.
Do I continue down the path before me and keep trying to sidestep those evil plotters, or do I venture into a new environment that could quite possibly be far worse than what I am currently dealing with? I just don't know anymore. I could just lower my personal value and take a job at some cut rate chain salon that believes in quantity over quality. Selling my soul for pennies because it appears that people are wanting steak for the cost of a White Castle cheeseburger. I may not have famous people beating my door down for a haircut, but I am good at what I do. Shouldn't that be good enough? Or do I need some kind of spiel to twist people into doing my bidding? I just refuse to play games to get ahead. I just fear that my chances at succeeding are being smashed at every turn. I just have no clue how to fight these evil forces that are hell-bent on crushing me and my dreams.
My current way of dealing with these vicious blows is to just take them as they come and deal with licking my wounds when I am home alone. Not getting a lot of support in any direction I turn and that is a little upsetting. Blogging just seems to only do so much. It helps me hold my head up a little stronger by sharing so others know that they are not alone in this journey. At least it gives me piece of mind that I can put these thoughts to rest once I do share them. Or at least eases the pressure that these feelings are causing so I can trudge forward with a little more hope that with each new day, there is another opportunity to try. For yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and what we have now is the present. Sure, we would love to return some presents for an exchange of something better, but the present is a gift and it should be appreciated. Regardless of what that present gives you....
Thanks for reading and have a great day! I guess I have a little more soul searching to what I shall do next. I just hope that all this thinking will pay off in the end. I am just not wanting to be sucked into these games anymore.
I have noticed lately that there is a lot of games being played and it pains me to say that there is no real escape from the evil that lurks beneath the surface. These games are utilized to manipulate others to do their bidding. Innocent and well-meaning people are sucked into the vortex of dismay created by these manipulators of not just their own existence, but the existence of others. I guess I need to clarify this point.....
Have you ever come across a person that uses guilt as a tool to get what they want out of life? How about that self-righteous person that spews lies as truth in order to twist a situation to place blame upon another? How about that two-faced person that is all sweetness to your face, but once your back is turned.... rumors fly and reputations get ruined? All games being played for the sole purpose to gain something from others with zero consideration of who they hurt in the process.
I have witnessed countless acts of cruelty over the past few months. So many, that I have been doing my best to avoid being sucked into the drama that these games create. Sadly, my attempts are being noticed and misread. It appears that my choice to not get involved puts me in a position that I have no choice, but to either share my feelings or act upon a knee-jerk reaction to the situation at hand. Of course, I am well versed in being tolerant and reasonable.
Being the kind-heart that I am, I lack having a malicious side. Not saying that I could think of malicious things. That, is simple. It is the acting upon those thoughts that does not exist. I just don't have it in me to be manipulative and cruel. If I ever was remotely even in the ballpark of being that way.... it only is capable of reaching the level of quiet and withdrawn. And with that in mind.... it is far from malicious, cruel, or even manipulative. It is just me not wanting to play that game.
Just recently, I was lied to about something that was considered important to me and my job. To add insult to injury, the game took a turn and is riddled with being berated, belittled, and blamed for things I do or did not do. Favoritism at it's finest is center stage and every move I make is scrutinized and twisted in order to find cause to strike first and ask for forgiveness later. I have been watching this happen to others, that happen to have a heart of gold like I do. Watching them struggle and second guess the most mundane of tasks is quite upsetting. Apparently, these events are the reason of endless internet searches for inspirational sayings that can offer a little light in a place so filled with darkness. Really, why does it have to be this way??
I have been well versed in the game of, "I win, you lose". That game to where you do not realize you are playing because no matter what you try to so for another.... it is never enough, and it is always done wrong. The other person always wins. No matter how often to try to change to appease that person.... they change the rules in order to make sure you the loser. I have put in what seems like endless years of trying to make people happy. In my family and in my marriage, but I just can't seem to win. While the saying goes, "you cannot please everyone all the time", it is even harder to please one person when that person plays the I win, you lose game. All I managed to learn from this game is never speaking my mind in order to survive. So far, it seems to be working. Makes me sick to my stomach when I do this, but a couple antacids and a good cry at night makes it more bearable. Fortunately, the need for antacids and crying is getting less and less these days when it comes to this aspect of my life. That is definitely a relief in my book. And maybe a small win. A girl can hope, right?
What has become a bitter pill to swallow these days is the games at work that are being played. There is one game master there that has managed to make it miserable for everyone else there. Well, not all, but most. Cloaked in innocence, or it could be just plain acting clueless, that has given this girl the golden ticket, the get out of jail free card, and the winning lottery ticket. Her insecurities are her blanket and she has people trained to do her bidding. All she has to do is bat her lashes and she gets the free pass to wreak havoc in the workplace. With her Cheshire grin and guilt oozing out of her pores, people fall prey. I have watched her get away with far too much. Of course, she has had her sights set on making my life miserable at work and is succeeding. I swallow down more frustration than any rational person can handle, and sometimes a little more than what can be handled. I have tried to place the spotlight on this girl's manipulative behavior for our boss to see and hopefully, to correct before it gets out if hand, but sadly, she has the boss mesmerized by her little spiel and allows her manipulative ways to happen. Heck, my boss apologizes for her behavior, but refuses to reprimand her for it. I fear my days are numbered, but I am even more afraid of finding a new workplace that turns out to be worse than the last place I was at. Life offers no guarantees and believe me.... either my picker of workplaces is off or I am an easy target to fool. Either way.... I am a little apprehensive to make a move.
Do I continue down the path before me and keep trying to sidestep those evil plotters, or do I venture into a new environment that could quite possibly be far worse than what I am currently dealing with? I just don't know anymore. I could just lower my personal value and take a job at some cut rate chain salon that believes in quantity over quality. Selling my soul for pennies because it appears that people are wanting steak for the cost of a White Castle cheeseburger. I may not have famous people beating my door down for a haircut, but I am good at what I do. Shouldn't that be good enough? Or do I need some kind of spiel to twist people into doing my bidding? I just refuse to play games to get ahead. I just fear that my chances at succeeding are being smashed at every turn. I just have no clue how to fight these evil forces that are hell-bent on crushing me and my dreams.
My current way of dealing with these vicious blows is to just take them as they come and deal with licking my wounds when I am home alone. Not getting a lot of support in any direction I turn and that is a little upsetting. Blogging just seems to only do so much. It helps me hold my head up a little stronger by sharing so others know that they are not alone in this journey. At least it gives me piece of mind that I can put these thoughts to rest once I do share them. Or at least eases the pressure that these feelings are causing so I can trudge forward with a little more hope that with each new day, there is another opportunity to try. For yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and what we have now is the present. Sure, we would love to return some presents for an exchange of something better, but the present is a gift and it should be appreciated. Regardless of what that present gives you....
Thanks for reading and have a great day! I guess I have a little more soul searching to what I shall do next. I just hope that all this thinking will pay off in the end. I am just not wanting to be sucked into these games anymore.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Political rumblings....
I try to not be all that interested in politics, but when there is an upcoming election that creates so much hype in the media.... I tend to get sucked in. I am fully aware of the candidate selection this time around and I have to say that I am not all that impressed with both political parties. If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the best that they have to offer.... I am a little scared for the future of this country.
With all the mainstream media reporting almost everything that is happening in this political race for the White House and the title of President of the United States, I am actually shocked that the reporters have not given updates to when these candidates do the most mundane of things like when someone got a haircut or visited the restroom facilities. That dissection of every word said and every rebuttal made is starting to get to be a little much.
Discussions being made everywhere I go, questions about personal opinions of the candidates, and where we think the outcome will be is getting to be a little much. Conspiracy theories flying faster than the speed of sound being flung to every wall within flinging distance with the hopes that something will actually stick seems to be the rage. The blissfully ignorant masses thinking that their vote will actually count while their suspicious and bitter counterparts spew negativity in retaliation to those that still try to grasp onto the American dream with both hands. The self-righteous belittling those that think outside the average box and would love to be able to color outside the lines once in a while. Hard-core political party followers, blindly following their candidate even though they disagree with what is left of a choice for the presidency.
I recall hearing from a friend that the state of Illinois is so deeply rooted with the Democratic party that if a Republican candidate that was perfectly able to handle an office position, ran against a grilled cheese sandwich that was running for the same position... the grilled cheese sandwich would still win. How sad is that? Not exactly sure if having a grilled cheese sandwich as president is necessarily a bad thing because really.... how much damage to the economy can a sandwich do? Of course, the theory of a sandwich running for any political position is ridiculous, but the point does run true when the Democratic candidate is not exactly the best qualified for the job. What makes this even more ridiculous is when the selection process leaves us with both choices being the ultimate buzzer with a, "sorry, wrong answer", feel to them. Here are my thoughts....
While Hillary Clinton has some political experience, it is built upon the greed of power and off of the backs of others that proceeded her. Her husband is the closest link to political greatness and when he could not keep it in his pants and created a scandal with in intern.... this wife of his stood by his side after being completely humiliated when the proverbial crap hit the fan. Ask any other woman out there that happens to be married of she would stay with a man that publicly made a fool of her if she would have stayed and I guarantee you that she would have hit the speed-dial for a really good divorce attorney. While there are some that can look beyond indiscretions that are not public knowledge and put in the effort to stay together.... it is the one that had their situation be highlighted on every news report for months that seems like she felt that love conquers all? I am a little baffled about that. What her actions, or rather non-actions did was put her under a microscope to see her reasoning and that was seriously pointing towards this woman's hunger for power. Of course, there is the recent events of her email debacle and national security being at risk. Not exactly who her friends in high places are, but there seems to be some seriously shady things being swept under the rug for her. What managed to make me scratch my head the most was the speech at the Democratic National Convention where our current president, President Obama, announces that Hillary is more qualified to handle the job as president than both he and her husband, the past President of the United States. It seemed not so long ago, Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton bashed heads and cut each other down in debates back in 2007 for the race to the White House, and now they are best of friends. I just find it curious of the change in opinions.
Now, we have a business man and all-round fame-grabber named Donald Trump running for office. While his political aspirations seem to be more philanthropic and with a desire to change the political machine, I even have my doubts about this candidate. Not that he has zero political experience, but his behavior is less than stellar. His marriage track record is astounding, to say the least. Seems like he treats marriage like a car lease and gets a newer, younger and more attractive one after so many years. I guess he is a firm believer in what Illinois Governor Rauner has been fighting for... term limits. Besides looking like a complete hound dog to the masses, he also lacks having a filter when he speaks. Sure, we are all in the same boat that everything has gone down the chute, but telling people that he is the answer without an inkling of a plan is not so comforting. I will give Mr. Trump credit where credit is due.... he is spending far less in campaigning because he is utilizing the free press to get his message across. I have not seen a campaign ad on TV that is apparently approved by this candidate yet and the day to vote is almost here. This man has been building hype for at least 30 years with his political aspirations and has stuck to his methods the whole time. Not once wavering on his beliefs. The main thing that concerns me is his boisterous way of reacting first and retracting later. He may be sarcastic about some things, but in a time like this, with the future going into someone's hands for the next 4 years.... I am not all that confident that the mess we are in is going to improve.
With this in mind, let me recap my thoughts every time I get asked about who I would believe should be President.... Hmmm..... do I support someone that is power-hungry and seen as a criminal that falls through the cracks? Or do I support a person who speaks their mind and then retracts their statement when the masses take him literally. Both are dangerous. A criminal or a self-professed D-bag? Tough decision here. I guess we should take a longer look at the running mates before deciding because I fear that who gets elected is going to get shot and the future president could be one of them. Maybe that is their plan all along.... send out a political sacrifice. Food for thought.
Well, off to do something more productive than think about stuff like this. I happen to have a very cynical view on the election process and most likely, my vote won't make a difference. The Electoral College has power to overrule the popular vote anyway. I fear that the decision was made a long time ago after the primary election, so my not bothering to put a stamp of approval on a candidate that I have virtually no confidence in is just fine with me. Vote of you feel differently, but I am over-tired, over-taxed, and less than confident that things are going to go up from here. Have a good day!
With all the mainstream media reporting almost everything that is happening in this political race for the White House and the title of President of the United States, I am actually shocked that the reporters have not given updates to when these candidates do the most mundane of things like when someone got a haircut or visited the restroom facilities. That dissection of every word said and every rebuttal made is starting to get to be a little much.
Discussions being made everywhere I go, questions about personal opinions of the candidates, and where we think the outcome will be is getting to be a little much. Conspiracy theories flying faster than the speed of sound being flung to every wall within flinging distance with the hopes that something will actually stick seems to be the rage. The blissfully ignorant masses thinking that their vote will actually count while their suspicious and bitter counterparts spew negativity in retaliation to those that still try to grasp onto the American dream with both hands. The self-righteous belittling those that think outside the average box and would love to be able to color outside the lines once in a while. Hard-core political party followers, blindly following their candidate even though they disagree with what is left of a choice for the presidency.
I recall hearing from a friend that the state of Illinois is so deeply rooted with the Democratic party that if a Republican candidate that was perfectly able to handle an office position, ran against a grilled cheese sandwich that was running for the same position... the grilled cheese sandwich would still win. How sad is that? Not exactly sure if having a grilled cheese sandwich as president is necessarily a bad thing because really.... how much damage to the economy can a sandwich do? Of course, the theory of a sandwich running for any political position is ridiculous, but the point does run true when the Democratic candidate is not exactly the best qualified for the job. What makes this even more ridiculous is when the selection process leaves us with both choices being the ultimate buzzer with a, "sorry, wrong answer", feel to them. Here are my thoughts....
While Hillary Clinton has some political experience, it is built upon the greed of power and off of the backs of others that proceeded her. Her husband is the closest link to political greatness and when he could not keep it in his pants and created a scandal with in intern.... this wife of his stood by his side after being completely humiliated when the proverbial crap hit the fan. Ask any other woman out there that happens to be married of she would stay with a man that publicly made a fool of her if she would have stayed and I guarantee you that she would have hit the speed-dial for a really good divorce attorney. While there are some that can look beyond indiscretions that are not public knowledge and put in the effort to stay together.... it is the one that had their situation be highlighted on every news report for months that seems like she felt that love conquers all? I am a little baffled about that. What her actions, or rather non-actions did was put her under a microscope to see her reasoning and that was seriously pointing towards this woman's hunger for power. Of course, there is the recent events of her email debacle and national security being at risk. Not exactly who her friends in high places are, but there seems to be some seriously shady things being swept under the rug for her. What managed to make me scratch my head the most was the speech at the Democratic National Convention where our current president, President Obama, announces that Hillary is more qualified to handle the job as president than both he and her husband, the past President of the United States. It seemed not so long ago, Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton bashed heads and cut each other down in debates back in 2007 for the race to the White House, and now they are best of friends. I just find it curious of the change in opinions.
Now, we have a business man and all-round fame-grabber named Donald Trump running for office. While his political aspirations seem to be more philanthropic and with a desire to change the political machine, I even have my doubts about this candidate. Not that he has zero political experience, but his behavior is less than stellar. His marriage track record is astounding, to say the least. Seems like he treats marriage like a car lease and gets a newer, younger and more attractive one after so many years. I guess he is a firm believer in what Illinois Governor Rauner has been fighting for... term limits. Besides looking like a complete hound dog to the masses, he also lacks having a filter when he speaks. Sure, we are all in the same boat that everything has gone down the chute, but telling people that he is the answer without an inkling of a plan is not so comforting. I will give Mr. Trump credit where credit is due.... he is spending far less in campaigning because he is utilizing the free press to get his message across. I have not seen a campaign ad on TV that is apparently approved by this candidate yet and the day to vote is almost here. This man has been building hype for at least 30 years with his political aspirations and has stuck to his methods the whole time. Not once wavering on his beliefs. The main thing that concerns me is his boisterous way of reacting first and retracting later. He may be sarcastic about some things, but in a time like this, with the future going into someone's hands for the next 4 years.... I am not all that confident that the mess we are in is going to improve.
With this in mind, let me recap my thoughts every time I get asked about who I would believe should be President.... Hmmm..... do I support someone that is power-hungry and seen as a criminal that falls through the cracks? Or do I support a person who speaks their mind and then retracts their statement when the masses take him literally. Both are dangerous. A criminal or a self-professed D-bag? Tough decision here. I guess we should take a longer look at the running mates before deciding because I fear that who gets elected is going to get shot and the future president could be one of them. Maybe that is their plan all along.... send out a political sacrifice. Food for thought.
Well, off to do something more productive than think about stuff like this. I happen to have a very cynical view on the election process and most likely, my vote won't make a difference. The Electoral College has power to overrule the popular vote anyway. I fear that the decision was made a long time ago after the primary election, so my not bothering to put a stamp of approval on a candidate that I have virtually no confidence in is just fine with me. Vote of you feel differently, but I am over-tired, over-taxed, and less than confident that things are going to go up from here. Have a good day!
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