Reading what I lack.....

There is a saying.... well, maybe NOT really a saying, but something I have been told.....  When it comes to reading, we gravitate towards reading what we lack in life.  While it is hard to fathom that concept, lets do a little synopsis of what some of the various genres of books out there....

Lets begin with the two specific types of books....  Fiction and non-fiction and some of the genre specific areas....

Fiction: non-fact based stories that can range from the most various genres coming to mind....  Romance, Mystery, Suspense/Thriller, Comedies* (*which some are also found in non-fiction, which we will touch upon soon), Action/Sci-fi/Fantasy....

Non-Fiction: fact based books such as documentaries, biographies, and reference books about history and current events.  While most non-fiction books are informative, there are some that offer comedic anecdotes in the writing.  Self-help books are also considered non-fiction.

Now, what I would like to have you take note upon is the reason for the selection between Fiction and Non-Fiction books.  The difference is purely based upon entertainment value.  Some people find entertainment in knowledge of a specific topic or person and that is great.  I just happen to be a person that chooses to opt for Fiction books purely on the ability for a mind to escape reality.  There are a few times I have found a book that offers more knowledge than not just as enticing to read, but lately, my choices have been more genre specific in the Fiction realm and here is where I can give you some insight to how these vastly different genres can fulfill what we lack in real life.

Romance:  Well, is there any doubt to why a person would gravitate towards this genre other than the need to fill the need for more "happy ever after" stories of love?  It is the stuff that fills the mind and heart with false hope, but at least softens the blow that reality's harsh existence that nothing is as blissful as it seems.

Mystery:  The suspense and all encompassing need to be a problem solver can definitely run amok and just being observant in the writing styles of a mystery writer can be what holds a person's attention span.  Just to figure out "who did it" certainly offers entertainment... especially when the writing offers twists and turns to throw your solution based thought process for a loop.  I have managed to read some books where even the most subtle suggestions were capable of shocking me to believe that nothing is ever what it seems.

Suspense/Thriller:  Just what adrenaline junkies look for...  the shock and awe of a writer's ability to expand the imagination and see things in a far than pretty light.  Just tapping into the mind of someone that is so far off from who you happen to really be makes it so interesting and the need to understand why a person would think this way so strong.

Action/Sci-fi/Fantasy:  While the stories are more far fetched, it offers another world of which the reader can escape to.  It can offer a little of the three above genres, but the characters are not something you can possibly see walking down the street.  Witches, Wizards, Warlocks, Knights in shining armor, damsels in distress and dragons or other mythical creatures is a definite recipe for a true escape from the hustle and bustle of ordinary life, but the premises of the stories not only offer other worlds to explore....  they speak in volumes of traits that the current society seems to lack....  Chivalry, bravery in the face of adversity, and adventure that you cannot find outside your door.  Also, the travel to exotic places that nobody has ever set eyes upon seems to broaden the horizons of what we see from day to day and could possibly cause for appreciation in even the smallest of things and the tiniest of creatures.

What you can see is what a person can get from a certain genre of books.  While I have managed to dabble in all of these genres, I have been stuck in the rut of needing to read about love and the happily ever after world of romance novels.  Contrary to popular belief (and I am saying this because I was one of those people), romance novels are not all soft-core porn stories.  While some do happen to fit that description, there is one basic premise that all these books offer and it is....  A story about boy meets girl, drama ensues (which is flat out denial about what their feelings are), the realization of those feelings, and the pursuit of being together forever.  Yes, I can say that it is about false hope in finding "the one" that is the main topic of the book.  While some books can be more steamy with sizzling sexual descriptive words, there is a fair amount of emotion that is placed before the reader.  Some can be funny, some quite sad, some can make you scratch your head and wonder how it will work out, and some are more endearing of stories that take the reader on a journey of inner thought about their own lives.  Now, I will admit that I am not a true romance novel fanatic because there are various types within the genre.  I stray away from historical romance novels because the verbal usage of words from a time and place that I cannot connect with bothers me.  I mean, being called a "wench" is not that big of a deal for that time period, but being called one in this time, age and location.... it means something completely different and not easily adaptable to me.  What I tend to gravitate towards are characters that somehow resemble me, a woman with a sharp tongue and bad hair comes to mind, or a woman that has stopped believing in ever getting a "happily ever after"... you know a woman jaded from what life has thrown her way.  Just reading about that happens to still offer false hope that everyone gets that happily ever after, but isn't that all what we tend to cling to if there is nothing else, right?

When this "genre jag" (that is what I am calling this) for romance novels started, I was reading a trilogy that has been coined as "mommy porn".  It all started as a dare, but I became one of the many roped in by the hype.  The writing was not the greatest, the characters unbelievable, the descriptive terms of sexual acts was a bit difficult to read without blushing, but the story offered an escape from what I have adapted to as the way things are.  The switch to romantic comedy/chic-lit became more comforting to me.  I still scratch my head over why I am so drawn to these books, but I have finally embraced the phrase... "You read what you lack in your live".  With acknowledgement of that....  I wonder where I go from there.  I cannot keep reading this genre forever!  I am trying to get desensitized from all that feel good crap and return to what my life is really like, but I just can't seem to get enough.  The only thing that this has desensitized me from is being upset that I will probably never get my own hope-filled happy ever after filled with love, lust, and adoration from the person that I married.  He is a self-proclaimed non-romantic guy and will never venture into trying to be anything else regardless of my need for just a little.  I will admit this, though.....  My tomboy ways are slipping and the girly side of me is finally coming through.....

Thank you and now I am crying.....

Yesterday, I realized that there is more bottled up emotion that I just cannot seem to release.  All it took was for a nice thing to be said to me from my brother and the waterworks started.  Yep, that relationship between siblings can do that to a person.

My brother and I rarely talk these days.  We have different things to attend to, so that random call just to say "hi" really does not happen.  Regardless of the fact that we happen to live in the same town.... as a matter of fact, just roughly six blocks apart to where we could walk to each other's house.

It has been known that I try to stay strong for others and with that attitude of acceptance that I tend to possess, I have been crying far less this past year.  In fact, I happen to explain things away and brush off the need to really have an emotional release.  When I did manage to cry.... it is just a tear or two that can quickly be wiped away with my fingers.  Life is not supposed to be all smiles and happiness.  There are real challenges that can pull some strong emotion and I know that I have been at the point where my chances of crying for myself is quite near.  I thought I had it under control with reading some emotionally touching books.  Crying over a sad story read is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of compassion for others.  I have been a compassionate person all my life.  That is why it is far easier for me to put others first and myself last. Even my compassion has its limitations....  I make crying a solitary thing when I cry for others.  I take pride in being strong in front of others.  I am far from perfect regarding that since yesterday's waterworks could not be controlled.  It took taking the long way home to get it under control and look like everything is just wonderful so I can face my family.

After working at the salon, I took a detour in my usual route home.  I made my appearance at a fundraiser for hospitalized veterans that my brother has participated in running for the past, and I am only guessing, 20 years or so.  It is a cause that hold dear to my family.  My father, a WWII veteran, instilled a strong sense of pride in his service to this country.  Of all people to feel the pain of loss through war... it was him.  He lost his only brother in the same war, but still held onto the pride of doing something for the greater good.  Risking your life for others is something that is never taken lightly and sadly, is not held to a high regard by all.  Back in his day, there were no fundraisers to help the injured, no special treatment when they returned home and no continual offering of thanks for a job well done, but he still took pride in his service and appreciated every person that proceeded him as well as followed him.  A humble man with far too much love and compassion in his heart.  I see that is where I got that trait and I hold it tightly in me.  What my dad taught me was through example and he is the greatest man that ever lived in my eyes.  Regardless of the times he spent hours watching documentaries about wars past, he remained grounded through his memories.  I sure still do miss him....

Well, yesterday, my brother and I sat and talked.... just a little... there were far too many people to have a true heart to heart talk, but we did manage to go from a light conversation to something far deeper.  I found it funny at how people he introduced me to had a hard time accepting that we are related and that I was more of a hellion than he ever was.  All of that talk about family spurred on taking a moment to walk outside and have a slightly deeper talk about family.  As I said earlier....  my brother and I do not talk all that much on a regular basis.  He noticed that I was constantly checking the time and he wondered why.  I sure as heck could not lie to him....  I did not mention my intention of making my appearance to the fundraiser straight from work with DH and I had to get home soon or the calm waters that we are currently in will turn if he has to wait too long for dinner.  Since I do all the cooking, I needed to be home early enough to actually cook the meal for them.  The last time I asked for assistance in dinner was the prior weekend when I forgot to put dinner in the crock pot and had to walk DH through how to do what I should have done before leaving for work.  Then, I got the guilt trip that he had to make dinner and added some boasting that he is a better cook than me.  When I suggested that he does all the cooking from now on, since he is such a talented cook and all, I get a nasty tone and a "don't push your luck" comment in return.  I am still raw from that last fight we had and I have almost perfected my walking on eggshells bit... almost... and I really have serious doubts that I can take another fight right now.  My side of the family already is strained with a spouse of a sibling and I am not sure that my family can take another one with mine.  My efforts to keep the rest of my family in tact is hard enough since the death of my father, thank you, and I would be crushed if my marriage is the breaking point.  Family is really all that I have left.

I just happened to make the mistake of opening up to my brother about some things and saw a side of him that I was not ready for....  a protective older brother.  Growing up, the sibling rivalry changed often, but there was always one constant....  My oldest sister always took on the bossy role, my second oldest sister was the martyr and was under constant protection from her little brother (my older brother), and the relationship with my older brother was always flip-flopping between fighting and getting along.  Being the youngest, I was looked as more of a bother than anything else.  That hindrance of having freedom if you were expected to babysit me when I was too young to be left home alone.  I looked up to all my siblings, but was never really pulled into the fold and embraced as a person.  I kind of do now, but it took well over 30 years of my existence to feel like I belonged.

I think that after the talk my brother and I had yesterday, he saw a side of me that probably bothered him.... the sad, but self-reliant little sister that is too emotionally wounded to take a kind word sent her way without tearing up.  He saw what years of not knowing what it is like to be appreciated turned me into.  I was always looked upon as the reliable sibling, but never one to be appreciated by those that mattered.  That level of appreciation beyond the mechanical response that I get for what I do instead of who I am is a rare thing.  That point when someone appreciates you for who you are and what you do is something that rarely, if ever, happens to me.  That sharing of what they appreciate about me is what chokes me up because it is such a rare thing to hear.  Heck, I lack the self-confidence and belief in what people tell me because of that being so rare.  I seriously need that so bad in my life that I started losing hope.  I am seeing my life crumble in front of me because that one component is almost nonexistent.  Love is not really love when it is missing parts like this.  Lust is only instant gratification and that does die off in time.  I should know, but the components that make love a forever thing is compassion, appreciation, and respect.  You lack one and love is really no longer there... only obligation to keep trying and stay together with hopes that it gets better.  Especially when you are the one that still believes that there is love somewhere and needs to be set free again.  That is what I am feeling.... a strong resolve to exhaust every avenue to make things better and be rewarded for my efforts. Sadly, I am nearing the point of acceptance that this is as good as it is going to get.  That love is no longer a free thing, but earned through sacrifice to always do the right thing for another.

Oh well, I have to stop here....  Time to get the grocery shopping done with the family.  The whining and bickering between DH and DD is not going to go away until this mandatory family task is completed.  Have a nice day everyone!

November 7, 2012....

The votes were placed and counted....  The decision has been made.  The battle for president is over for now, and we have another 4 years of seeing what will happen next.  It was a race that was watched my many.  When the results came in and the winner was announced, you can hear the mixed emotions in the air. Some of pure jubilation and some of sheer despair.....  President Obama gets 4 more years...

You all are probably wondering where my feelings are about this....  well.....

While I am not all that thrilled with the outcome, I am required to offer well wishes to our re-elected president, and I do.  I can only feel some relief that this time around, he can no longer place blame on the previous president for the mess he has "inherited".  Well, unless he has a real short term memory and forgot that the current mess is from his efforts.  He now has nobody else to blame, but himself for the mess that we are in.  He can no longer take vacations to "think things over" before he blames others for the issues that require his full attention... he needs to take on the issues like a man and do the right thing.  Sadly, not everyone will see his idea being the best one out there.

While people will still believe that the president is the decision maker and paid attention to who was to be elected/re-elected, it is the others that represent each state that fill the houses of government that create these grand plans to create solutions to our crippling economy, our near dead jobs issue, and the laws that we become required to follow.  All the president is to the grand scheme of things is a person that signs the bottom line, an ambassador for foreign relations, and a face attached to a voice that tells us only what they (and I mean the whole government system) wants you to hear on the television with press conferences and the random speeches.  We all have to realize that he is more of a showpiece than anything else.  Of course, he will always be the first one to blame when things "go south", and will be the butt end of jokes.  We offer respect to the man because of the title, but not everyone will respect him fully.

There is a line drawn when it comes to political beliefs.  Either you are a humanitarian or a businessman.  While I know that people are capable of getting along, it is the concept of business that has me concerned.  Believe me, I am scared.... very scared.  I am, by no means, wealthy,  What I have has been earned.  I never won the lottery, I never was given an inheritance, nor have I ever invented something that has become a household must-have.  I do not own a business that offers service or sells things to the masses, but I do know that my husband owns a business.  On paper, we probably look wealthy, but in all honesty, we are not.  Our family is considered middle class, but we are scraping the bottom of the barrel.  No more college fund for DD, our retirement savings is gone, and even the thought of those two things ever coming back is hard to fathom because we cannot plan for the future when the present is bleeding us dry.  Just existing is taking everything we have... and then some....  We are not alone in this scenario, but yet again we ended up with the humanitarian selection for a president.  His socialistic views of taking from the rich to level the playing field for the middle class and poor IS WRONG, but the people that chose through voting refuse to realize it.  Free healthcare is a great idea, but also wrong and people still believe that it should happen.  Renewable energy is a great concept, but impossible to match the efficiency of fossil fuels.  There are plenty of people looking for work, but the business owners cannot afford to offer jobs when taxes swallow every available penny that should go to their workers.  But yet, here we go again with these grand plans that truly cannot work for another 4 years.

I do find it comical that people placed such high regard upon a person that claims to have ended the war in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq and that the war on terror is done when it was from the efforts of those that sacrificed their lives to do so.  Our military should be given higher regard to their efforts than a president that claims that he ended the war... not them.  It just blows my mind that there are people so short-sighted to believe that.  Heck, getting a Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing, but being nice lowers the prestige that this award once held.  If just existing and being a pushover makes you worthy.... well, then every person that opened a door, said a nice thing to another, and remembered to say please and thank you should get one, too.

The concept that this economy is on an upswing is a joke!  The unemployment numbers getting smaller is only because the benefits have run out and people have stopped trying.  They should check out the increase in supposed "entitlements" that the truly poor have been forced to take....  food stamps, government controlled healthcare (medicaid comes to mind), and early retirement of medicare with social security (if they chose to look at the age of the recipient) and then tell me that things are getting better.  Our seniors are screwed!  Their nest-eggs are gone, necessary medical coverage is getting higher every time there is a "cost of living" increase, and the incentives that should be offered to them are so restricted that if they receive a pension from their jobs.... it makes them ineligible for additional assistance.  The choices we are forced to make teeter between keeping a roof overhead, clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs or the necessary medicines we need to take in order to survive.  The days of single families living in single family homes is becoming more of a pipe dream when parents are taking in multi-generations of family members in their homes so ends can be met and some semblance of a comfortable existence.  As long as there are going to be excessive taxes to the supposed rich to support the poor....  nobody will truly exist happily.

Too much humanitarian government will result in being treated less like functioning cogs in society because the government will make all the decisions for us.  Heck, with Obamacare, if it was to truly pass in it's original form, would put your health in the hands of someone that knows nothing about you nor cares to know.  Limited care has put far too many people in a grave.  HMO's are the perfect example.  I watched a neighbor not get diagnosed for ovarian cancer because her HMO did not want to spend the money to take the essential test.  When they finally allowed it... it was too late and she had only enough time to get her affairs in order before she died.  Gee, that sounds comforting, huh?  But people choose to believe that government controlled healthcare is a great idea.  Instead of controlling healthcare, why not cap the cost so people can afford to obtain coverage if they choose to.  Instead of sending jobs overseas... make it appealing to take some of that work back here.  Stop making every appealing job have a requirement for a college degree that people currently cannot afford.  How about putting a limit on welfare and stop the generations of people that utilize the program or even limit the number of children being born in poverty... not having a job should not allow a person to have a dozen kids and get it paid for by the ones that work through taxes.  Oh, that's right....  the ones that can afford to support strangers are required to do so.  Gotta love that socialism, right?

If this keeps on going... we should no longer call our president and his wife the chief of staff and the first lady.  We can call them "mom and dad" because we can no longer make decisions for ourselves.  What we earn, we can call "our allowance" and maybe we can save up enough to get a candy bar someday.  UGH!  The cynical side is coming forward.  I should stop here.  I think you all got my point.....  I am not seeing things getting better since we apparently reelected the president that has plans to put us there.  While I did not vote for that man, I have to accept it and do the best I can to stay afloat.  Maybe the next president will get it right, but I doubt it.....  Obama has a vice president and "Uncle Biden" will be sure to carry the torch for another 8 years.  Time to bow my head and shake my head in shame.....

Mature eyes....

I have been on a list of sorts for a while....  It is called the Clerical Substitute list for the local high school district.  With living within walking distance from my old high school, I figured that it would be the ideal place to look for work.  You see, DH had the request that I need to find a more stable paycheck to help with the family finances.  That request was made almost 4 years ago and I have tried to find something to fulfill both his demands and what I felt were reasonable parameters for being a full time mother with a child that had attended full days of school.  While it is easy to increase the hours at my job at the salon, I knew that even though the hours were flexible....  it offered no guarantee of a larger paycheck or even a reliable wage earned as well as guaranteed earnings if I had to take time off to attend to a sick child (if the need arises).  Heck, when the kids are off from school with all those "breaks" and "institute/non-attendance days"....  it was going to be pretty darn had to be in two places at once.  Working in an atmosphere that mirrors DD's school schedule was the best option that I could think of and that is with the local schools.  Also, if DD got sick....  I could be assured that my job was covered.  If I was to work in the salon, I would be hard-pressed to decide between my clients and my daughter.  Hairdressers do not really earn an hourly wage and our income is based strictly upon what we do and the tips we receive.  Meaning...  no clients = no income.  If my clients are moved over to another stylist... they get the commission and I get nothing.  Believe me... I tried to attain office work, but being out of the office scene for years definitely put me behind the curve and when I did get some temporary work that lasted a few months...  getting DH to step up his game and take care of DD while I worked beyond the regular school hours and days off was difficult.  I ended up being a referee to diffuse the tension between DH and DD.  He is too married at his job to be the parent that DD needed.  Their friendship was strained...  in fact, still is.  With no solid job being offered at the schools, the list was the way for me to go.

Well, after some serious patience which took almost 2 years....  I finally got called in to help at one of the local high schools.  Sadly, not the one that is walking distance from my home, but this school is within the district that I applied to be a substitute on.  Yep, got a call at 7:00 in the morning with a frantic person seeking someone to fill in a student supervisor position (aka hall monitor) for that day.  Obviously, I jumped at the opportunity and raced myself to get there.  I got a quick walk through of the school, a portable radio, a map of the school and my schedule for the day.  After a brief explanation of what my responsibilities were, I was sent off to do this job on my own.  Nervous and excited to the new experience, I actually had an enjoyable time.  In fact, I managed to get the other hall monitors/student supervisors to smile as we passed each other in the halls to get to our other posts throughout the day.  I can fully understand how that job can be draining on a person, but with my fresh view of the experience....  I doubt I could really get all that bored.  I am a person watcher by nature, I like to focus on details that surround me.  What surprised me was being able to see high school all over again with more mature eyes.

With these mature eyes that I happen to have, I managed to see things in a far different light.  The mom in me felt her heart go out to these kids.  Just seeing the exhaustion in their eyes almost had me weep, but after seeing their choice in food to eat at lunch changed that thought pretty darn quick.  How in the heck does a person live on junk food like that?  No wonder why these kids are so darn tired.  The vending machine offered very little healthy stuff to eat.  I know why those kids attacked that machine like they did....  the line to get a hot meal or a salad was painfully long and moving painfully slow.  These kids wanted something fast so they can get in more time for socializing with friends or to catch up on their homework.  Well, that was only part of my mom-like feelings..... these kids are slobs!  The concept of getting these kids to clean up after themselves was a job in itself.  Fortunately, with a smile and a few kind words...  I got them to clean up after themselves just fine.  The mix of ethnicity did make for a stressful environment, but fortunately (or sadly, whichever you choose to see it as) cliques kept potential clashing of heads at bay.  I was never one to fully fit into a clique in school.  I had friends all around.  I never played favorites and was nice to everyone around me.  I just never really appreciated the parameters that people put out to decide if another person is worthy of being their friend, but in my more mature view.... I see there was a reason.

With my tendencies to have a booming voice and reasonable expectations, I spent my day keeping things running smoothly during my watch.  Of course, I think I will have the perpetual problem with the fashion statement of baggy pants that refuse to be pulled to the waist.  I ended up repeating throughout the day to so many kids to pull up their darn pants which had everyone around me laughing, I even laughed a time or two.  I really do not need to know what color or pattern their underwear is.  Between the constant reminder to walk in the hallways and to fight the backside hanging out of their pants fashion statement....  it was a pretty non-eventful day.  I still never let my guard down, though.  So many kids in such a small area are known to fight and the main part of that job is to keep everyone there safe.  Rules are to be followed.... no matter how lame they appeared to the kids.  I was fortunate that no fighting really broke out fully in my presence.  There were a few times that appeared to seem like a fight was brewing under the surface, but I made my presence known and was lucky to diffuse it before it escalated.

Could I do this job on a daily basis?  Sure.  I would have to get used to the constant adrenaline rush to fully appreciate the job because once I got home....  I fell asleep on the couch for an hour.  I did not really exert myself physically, but mentally I was taxed to the hilt.  I felt I was more of a parent watching over a thousand kids at once and to be that alert for that long to make sure the "what ifs" that could happen... did not happen.  There is a completely new appreciation of an uneventful day being a good day and that day was a really good day for the books.  Just that experience alone gave me a new appreciation for what I have no doubt thought was an easy job when I was their age.  It is all in getting the chance to experience the job to appreciate it in a new light.  Now, I just have to wait for another opportunity to come along because being a substitute does not guarantee a solid job, but when it comes....  I will be looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!  Time to tackle some more housework and maybe a few more chapters of another book...

She is me and I am her.....

I knew it was only going to be a matter of time that I would fully turn into my mother.  The added bonus is that I have also turned into my father (just a bit).  I just find it intriguing at how this came about...

With yesterday being Halloween and all, DD was excited to dress up as something and hang with her friends to do some "trick or treating".  I like to see DD with a smile on her face, but I have the uncanny knack to put a fly in the ointment.  Just like my mother and father, I have strong opinions about things.  Especially when it comes to what is seen and heard.  I guess it is that gift of being a little more attuned to everything about my daughter.  It is a parent trait that appears the day after the child is born.  We spend so much time attending to our offspring that it becomes second nature to become controlling and opinionated.  While our children fight tooth-and-nail to become independent thinkers and their thoughts that their parents are just off their rockers comes naturally to them.  It is just maddening to the parents that it takes until their children are fully grown to finally figure out that their parents were right all along.  I still have to laugh that it is a matter of time when she figures that out.  When she does.....  I will enjoy every minute of her acknowledgement.  Sadly, that day is not going to come anytime soon.

Well, onward about how DD is like me and how I turned into her (meaning my mother)....

DD created a costume from random stuff that we have around the house....  old parts to other costumes and with a good mix of creativity and some of her regular clothes, she became a "dark warrior" (or so she calls it).  It consisted of an old witch's cape, a pair of leggings, a sweater (after three suggestions to change the shirt choice), a belt and a dagger that she won from one of her taekwondo competitions.  The shoe choice was a pair of knock-off Ugg-like boots.  As I said before... I made comments about her shirt choice since she refused to put a jacket on with this cooler weather.  Her first choice was a summer top (halter-style in a shade of eggplant purple that did not match the design color of the witch's cape... which was magenta), her second choice was a purple t-shirt that was closer to mauve than magenta, and she finally took my suggestion to wear her new magenta long-sleeved sweater that matched perfectly.  When it came down to shoes....  sigh....  she wanted to wear ballerina flats that were too big for her feet and when she tried to walk, she looked like she was more focused on keeping the shoes on her feet than actually walking.  Knowing that she would get blisters, I made her pick something that was a little better fitting for her feet.  Oh, the drama over getting her to look remotely comfortable for her evening of friends, trick-or-treating and fun.  After a few comments from her lips that sounded quite like me when I get frustrated with DH (the saying of "is all right and wonderful in your world" was used quite often by me and now by her that evening), she joined her friends for the evening.  Round one:  She sounded like me when I get frustrated, but I trumped it by becoming opinionated like my mother and used the phrase of  "you are not leaving the house in that skimpy top" like my father.

The recap of the evening when I drove to pick up DD from her friend's house.  I refuse to let her walk home alone in the dark and all the parents agreed to pick up their kids at one kid's house when the trick or treating fiasco ended.  Luckily, it was not at my house this time....  too many kids in my little house is a recipe for disaster.  Well, DD proceeds to tell me that quite a few little boys were flirting with her and she claimed that she felt confused about it.  CONFUSED?!?!?  Sheesh!  I had to explain to her that boys will flirt with pretty girls.  While she still does not see that she is pretty, I happened to recall being told that I am pretty from time to time and refuse to believe it, too.  Of course, when it comes to me....  I was never all that popular with the boys like she is.  I had plenty of friends that were, and still are, boys.  In fact, a good chunk of my current friends happen to be men that I grew up with.  I am still a tomboy and feel more at ease with my male friends than my female ones, but nonetheless, I never saw myself as pretty.  No matter how many times my mom told me I was.  Parents never count, you know, when it comes to compliments.  So, as DD tells me about her best friend's boyfriend calling her "hot" and feeling confused about it, I had to remind her of the girl code....  Never flirt with a friend's boyfriend and never date a best friend's ex.  Obviously, she knows the code and never flirted with him (she has a boyfriend already), but nonetheless, it concerned me because I have lost many friends over seemingly innocent incidents like that.  I have seen friends start dating exes of mine before the breakup had a chance to settle in.  The worst thing to see is a friend flirting with their friend's boyfriend.... well, the absolute worst is finding out that your friend slept with your boyfriend while you were still dating him.  Happened to me once and that, my friends, is the worst possible scenario.  Regardless of my past disasters, I at least want my daughter to have the same level of respect for her friends like I do with mine and reminded her of the code anyway.  In hindsight of this, I even mentioned to her one thing my mom always said and I never believed.....  I was looked upon as worthy to be pursued even when I did not feel anything for the guy.  When I told DD that same comment my mother used to say to me.... I saw the same look I gave my mom in DD's face....  absolute disbelief.  Round two:  DD thinks little of herself like I do about myself, but I happen to see that she has no reason to feel that way.  I can only gather that my mom dealt with the same thing....  Pointing out the obvious when we refuse to see it.

Now, here is where I appear to be like my dad.....  While DD is nearing the pivotal teenage years that usually consist of dating the opposite sex, I am not all that thrilled that she is even looked upon as someone to be dating at this young age.  In fact, I already know that I will be the parent that puts the fear of God in every boy caller out there.  This is one area that I know I will be far more scary than DH could ever be.  Heck, DH is everyone's buddy when you meet him.  He does not have an overprotective bone in his body, while I, on the other hand, would do just about anything to protect my baby girl.  If DH ever had an overprotective bone in his body.... I never have seen it when it comes to me....  I have always fought my own battles.  That, my friends, is what my father taught me to do.....

Handling a kick to the stomach.....

Good afternoon!  I think....

My morning was filled with yet more fighting with my computer and learning all this new stuff on my own.  While I was reloading my Microsoft Office program (albeit the 2007 edition), I managed to lose my product key.  I had the disc, but it was not in the packaging that it came in.... figures.  My organizational skills are severely lacking, but I managed to get in touch with Microsoft customer service and had to purchase a new product key.  Yep, I had a choice between spending $40 for a new product key or buy the newer 2010 edition for I can only guess somewhere well over the $40 I chose to spend.  My house is turned upside down and my usual cleaning routine has increased.  Hopefully, DH understands that charge on my credit card.  Otherwise, I have managed to reload all the important stuff, but I will have to take my computer back in to the tech department to learn how to downsize the excessive tiles that I have no doubt are clogging my new hard drive.  I think that by the end of the week, I will be proficient enough to feel confident with this new setup.  In all honesty, I miss my Windows 7, but Windows 8 is pretty cool.

Well, before I finish what I need to do computer-wise and take this machine back to get some much needed help and to figure if I actually did manage to get my virus protection up and running (still a little nervous being online when I am not 100% sure), I figured I would share my "kick in the stomach moment.....

I got a call from DD's school.  Whenever I see the school's call numbers on the caller id, I get a little concerned.  Not much since I do happen to have a really good kid.  It still does concern me when the school calls.  Well, this call was from the school social worker/counselor.  As this woman proceeded to share with me that DD filled out a questionnaire regarding depression and suicidal tendencies, I learned that she is rating quite high on their scale for being depressed.  In fact, she has thought about suicide, as I was told.  I felt the air leave my lungs and the room started spinning when I heard that.  I have been aware that my daughter is going through some new experiences and is obviously going through the usual preteen angst (getting good grades, the insatiable desire for more friends, getting a new boyfriend - yikes- and the hidden truth of hormonal imbalances).  This is the first year in a new school, new faces, different expectations, and all that other stuff I know I went through at her age.  The only difference is that I have managed a good rapport with her and she is feeling very confident with sharing everything with me.  I am aware of what she is going through, but hearing it from a school social worker was a bit unsettling to me, to say the least.  It was the suicide comment that has me in a tailspin of concern.  My watchful eye is now on an ever higher alert.

After a nice long talk with this woman and the sharing of how my daughter thinks of me, I felt assured that I am doing the right thing when it comes to our mother/daughter relationship.  I am doing all the right things, but was asked if I could take my daughter to a counseling for her issues.  Believe me, I would love to do that, but to inform DH these concerns I already know what his answer will be......

"Jeeze Nanc!  This is all in her head and you probably put it there.  We just do not have the money to get a shrink involved to mess her up even more.  She needs to stop thinking like that and get over it."

Yep, that is DH's solution to everything.... get over it and stop making this into something it isn't.  His ability to be compassionate for others feelings is quite non-existent.  Big, tough DH looks at DD and I as weaklings that cannot fix our own problems.  I can only guess that it is a testosterone trait... the lack of compassion.  In all honesty, it would be nice to see this man show some compassion.  It really does not revoke his man-card if he did.  All I know is that I have to share this information with him and see if he is willing to work with me on helping DD.  While I know I am perfectly capable of helping her on my own, I want him to take the initiative to man-up and be a supporting father figure for her.  I have allowed him to side step the responsibility for far too long.  I know that in a roundabout way, it is my fault, but it always baffled me at how a person just flat out refuses to even try regardless of the efforts being done by others.  Are people really that daft and lazy?  Or am I the lucky one to be married to one of the few, rare cases.  I just cannot be the judge of this one.  All I can comment on is my thoughts on the subject.  I am one that prefers to see it to believe it and what I am seeing is telling me that he has no interest in stepping up and being a more intricate part of this family besides being the breadwinner and executive decision maker when it comes to money.  Heck, the decision maker when it comes to money is because I forced his hand to take the big boy pill and take over paying the bills when he refused to inform me of his pay cut 4-years ago and his relaxed attitude about it.

I know that I have been doing the right thing with talking to DD about her concerns.  Reassuring her that I can take whatever she tells me as long as she is honest about it.  I do not tolerate lying really well, so tell me the truth up front.  Finding out the truth after the lie is more hurtful than offering the truth upfront.  The initial anger subsides far faster when honesty is the focus.  Lying makes the anger last far longer than necessary.  What I am concerned about is getting her to always be open and honest with me.  I should not drag things out of her or force her to talk when she is not wanting to.  I was her age once and believe me.....  there are just some things you would rather talk about with anyone else, but your mother.  Especially when it is about your mother.  Well, that and how can I solve all her concerns when I cannot solve my own?  I know I have a firm grasp on what I need to do, but I still have concerns about following through.... especially when my concerns fall on deaf ears.  They have been ignored for far too long and there is really no solution.  I just adapted to conformity and have not worked all the potential kinks out of that theory.

Oh, good lord!!  I hope I can help her and myself.  Heck, I pray that DH can finally see the pain and be willing to do what he can to help.  Life offers no guarantees, but I will keep trying.  I am looking into counseling for DD through the school and I have looked into counseling from an outside source.  I need to get all my ducks in a row before I make the presentation to DH and get his approval for a course of action that is beyond my abilities.  Sadly, it will probably cost us money he does not want to part with, but will part with it because it is necessary.  I will just get the blame for it anyway.  I am used to it.....  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Just some stuff to share....

Of course, this is a late blog.... been a little busy lately and with the lack of a computer for almost a week, I hope you all understand.

While I am a slave to the computer age, I got a taste of life without that darn machine and it felt..... odd.  Between my usual stuff that I do on this crazy machine (checking e-mails, popping onto Facebook to see what my friends are up to and play a game or two along with my occasional blogging), it sure felt like something was missing in my day.  Fortunately, I went to the library and grabbed a few books to fill the time.  Between books and housework...  I managed to keep myself entertained.  Since this is the third repair on this computer, I have made the executive decision that I need to become a little more computer savvy.  I had a little scare once I got my computer back just the other day.  My lack of computer knowledge had me in a tizzy when all of my important documents, pictures and videos were wiped from my computer AGAIN.  Apparently, when you manage to fry a hard drive, you can lose everything you had.  Luckily, I had an external hard drive that I did my backups on, so I felt reasonably sure that I lost nothing.....  WRONG!  Between my second and third time getting this computer fixed, I had changed my running system from Windows Vista to Windows 7.  Definitely NOT compatible when it comes to recovering all of my backed up stuff.  Frustrated beyond belief, I had to change my running system AGAIN, but this time I have the hard copy disc and product key for the future.  So.... long story short.... I bought the Windows 8 program, loaded it and I happen to be very slowly learning all the new stuff.  I still have programs that I need to reload, like Microsoft Office and I need to eventually seek out a different virus protection program.  Apparently, what I had does not work with my new program.  I did manage to get the tech department where I got my computer fixed to recover the really important stuff, but it will take extra steps to access it.  Not thrilled about it, but once I learn more about Windows 8, I will be able to get things running normally again.  Not saying that it is not running normally, but I am flying blind trying to figure stuff out.  Quite frustrating to say the least.  I think I need to consider saving the really important stuff on flash drives and not bother with relying upon an external hard drive that I back up on.  I just need to find the time to do just that.....  Yeah, right ;)

Beyond my computer giving me a migraine, I had a little chat with DH.  Of course, it took some "liquid courage" to let my thoughts fly out of my mouth.  Apparently, his mind is too clogged with deeply seeded fear and stress to acknowledge my needs.  I at least got to say my peace about my feelings and that in itself is progress.  I just hope that he can look beyond his blinded views and thank his lucky stars that I am too stubborn and bull-headed to let his detached behavior affect me too much.  Of course, understanding where his thoughts are focused on does not fix the problems that we have.  It is like an alcoholic acknowledging there is a problem, but refuses to do anything about it.  I have tried for far too long to keep trying.  It is up to him to do something about it, but I am not going to hold my breath or get upset like I used to.  If he does something.... great, but if he continues to not bother trying...  I am not going to get bent about it anymore.  It is a total waste of energy on my part.  I have been finding solace in reading books, albeit romance novels, and I have to giggle at how it has managed to balance me.  While reading stories of fictional characters getting their "happily ever after" does not make me blissfully happy, but it controlled my tendencies to get fully enraged at little things and I have not been crying myself to sleep over what my life is lacking.  I think I have become a little indifferent about things.  My apparent new thought word is "whatever" when things do not go my way.  DH forgets to get me a card for our anniversary?... "whatever" with a shrug is my response.  Heck, Sweetest Day (yep a Hallmark reason to celebrate "love") came and went with nothing exchanged.  While the girls at work got roses, cards and candy or a romantic dinner from their loved one....  I got nothing and really did not care.  No tears, no anger, no reaction whatsoever....  just a shrug and a "whatever".  It is actually kind of nice to not get emotional over stuff like that.  That extremely lowered level of expectation is a wonderful thing.  Makes living even a little more stress free and leaves more room to think about other stuff.  Not sure if it is healthy to stop caring about the little stuff when it is known that little things are a part of a bigger thing.  I wonder if it is at all possible that a person can stop caring about everything if they let it get out of hand.  Little things do add up, you know.  Doubtful that I could hit that point, but I am keeping a watchful eye anyway.

Well, I have yet another full day to get my computer back to some semblance of normal.  If I cannot get it done tomorrow, the nice tech guys that fixed my computer will help me out to have things running like a champ.  I just have to get the other stuff I have to do done first.  Grocery shopping with the family, pop into work for a little while for a client, and get some housework done.  Chances are, I'll have my OCD over leaf cleanup fill my day tomorrow and forget to work on this darned machine.