That first step.....

Have you ever noticed the first step in obtaining a goal is the hardest?  Especially when you already know that obtaining said goal is going to take many more steps to even pass the starting gate?  I happen to have one whopper of a hard time on just one and that is.....  getting back to my pre-marriage weight.

Yep, yep, yep.... I am not alone when it comes to the "freshman fifteen" (or twenty or thirty).  The difference is... being married is nothing like college, but it does ring true.  Here is why....

During what is commonly called the bachelor/bachelorette years, you know, the dating scene is very superficial and when you are single.... you watch your weight with an iron fist.  Always fretting over those stubborn (and sometimes delusional) 10 pounds that we just cannot seem to lose.  Of course, this is mainly a female affliction, but there are some men that see it the same way for them.  Once you are in a committed relationship, you tend to be a little more relaxed about being so critical and some weight will creep on, but not in a way that it gets out of hand.  Heck, a few sit ups and maybe opt for a salad once to twice a week fixes the problem rather quickly.  What I am getting at is the ultimate committed relationship, where you are bound by the ring, the vows and the piece of paper that binds two together until death do you part (or a good divorce lawyer).  That day in, day out commitment for the rest of your life, through sickness and health and blah, blah, blah.  If you haven't figured it out?  It is marriage.

With marriage and all that two people become one in spirit, there is the building of family and a sense of contentment that has that former bachelor/bachelorette completely not paying attention to their weight and general health.  Heck, we can chalk it up to no longer caring about looking our best because we grasped onto that golden ring.  No longer are we to make a show of puffery to get the attention of someone anymore.  That type of commitment already demands and expects attention already in play.  Of course, regardless of the attention (or lack thereof) at home, we just accept what we have and enjoy what life offers.  Especially when it comes to food and those lazy days at home with those you love.

Every once in a while, we get to take a good long look in the mirror and experience the proverbial slap to your confidence that you are no longer that spry little adorable person you once were.  Heck, looking back, I never thought of myself as spry or little.  Even adorable was pushing the envelope, but I digress.  Looking back at old pictures, I apparently lacked any positive thought of myself, but looking at the pictures while glancing back at what I look like now?  I have to say.... I was a lot cuter in my youth... a lot cuter and I want to be that cute again, darn it!!

Since plastic surgery is an expense I cannot afford, nor would I try it since there are quite a few stories of botched surgeries and I am not risky like that, but there is one thing I could become proud of again if I would just take that first (of many) steps to getting back to an attractive body size.  Mind you, not as thin as my thinnest because I did look a little sickly then and childbirth does change your body shape a bit, but just a smaller version of what I am at this very moment would be good.  That sounds like a reasonable change for the better, right?  I have an awesome sense of humor, I am nice, and I hide my gray hairs with a nice shade of brown.  Heck, some people think I look younger than what my age truly is with how menopause is kicking down the door as we speak....  That is definitely saying something, right?

Yep, that love of food and dislike of an exercise regime has caught up with me.... big time.  Those darn yoga pants are just too comfy (and stretchy), as well as my penchant for over-sized shirts that hide the flaws of motherhood.  I completely jumped off the ship when it came to being even somewhat diligent in watching the one thing I always have had control over.... my weight.  Now, I have to swim back to that metaphorical ship and climb back on and I am not all that happy about it.  I wish I was blessed with a good metabolism, but obviously, I was not.  When God handed out our individual qualities, he felt it was best to give me a sense of humor and a dislike of dieting instead.  Oh, and a so-so attitude about exercise.

I know what to do.  I have done this many times over the (cough) years.  I have been successful and there were times.... not so successful, but I know it can be done.  It is just sad that my thoughts turn to saying that the only way I am ever going to get that perfect hourglass shape is when my ashes are placed in a curvy urn.  Simply put.... I have the desire, I just lack the drive.

I have been told that once you take that first step, you will thank yourself for doing so, but I have been in a running pattern hovering just above the ground for so long that I am just not feeling all that grateful.  Actually hitting the ground seems more daunting than the overwhelming feeling before I start doing housework after my family had a weekend to trash the place.  I always manage to find something else to do than what I should be doing.  Call it procrastination, but I call it reverse prioritizing; what should be first on the to-do list of life is pushed to the end.  I know I do it... heck I just owned up to it, but it does not create a solution for it.  I would start a help group for it, but I would find something else to grab my attention.... it is that bad.

Oh well, no time like the present, right?  Or shall I start this journey on Monday like everyone else.....  Sigh.... 

Well, thanks for reading!!  

Lenten Sacrifice....

People sometimes ask about faith and religion.  These questions range from what religious background of which I have been raised to what my thoughts are on faith and religion.  I have a standard explanation to people that I am Catholic.  Not a bible-thumping radical of a person of the Catholic faith, but I am a believer in God.  I usually keep my beliefs and faith to myself.  I try my best to follow the teachings I received when I was a child, and when it comes down to certain practices of my faith, like Lent, I at least try to make an attempt to give something up for the Lenten season.  Sometimes, I choose to take a different route and instead of giving something up... I do something more.

Now, you are probably wondering how a person of such rigid standards can choose between giving something up and giving more.  The answer is quite simple, but at the same time.... not so simple.

The explanation of what the Lenten Sacrifice during the Lenten season has changed over the years, but the meaning behind it remains true.  The story of Lent, as I have been told, is the period of time where Jesus Christ, the only son of God, born from the womb of a virgin (Mary was her name), was publicly punished for teaching the faith and sharing the knowledge that there is truly only one God and not multiple ones.  That miracles happen through believing in God, and his only son was the vessel of proof with examples of healing the sick and parting of seas.  It took some serious showing to prove this, but the non-believers needed more than just words.  They needed to see it in order to consider believing it.  Well, Jesus was publicly punished and killed for his beliefs and teachings.  Tortured really, and with that in mind.... Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for the transgressions (sins) of man.  The Lenten Sacrifice is based upon giving something up for the greater good in order to understand the sacrifices Jesus made for man, woman, and child.

While this explanation does not make all that much sense because of the miracles and mysteries that happened, but the connection between sacrifice and faith does.  At least to me, but something was missing when I did the usual giving up of something I enjoyed for those 40 days and 40 nights.  This sacrifice was lacking the fundamental teachings of the bible where it is for the greater good of all.  That is where doing more comes to play.  

What I mean by doing more is simply something more helpful.  Regardless that it is on a much smaller scale and not all that Earth-shattering, but even small offerings of more do have the opportunity to snowball into something greater.  I see it as something as a beginning of a pay it forward chain of kindness.  As it has been stated in the bible (generally explained, that is), we, the children of God are to love one another and care for this planet that we live upon.  In fact, if I recall this correctly, the basis of most religious faith is for love and peace with others.  While I see this as something that can be done on a daily basis and not necessarily something only to be done during the Lenten Season, that sacrifice of making time to give a little more can be just as important as taking something away.  This is something that crosses religious lines and is still somewhat something that connects them all.  I guess it is in how people see it.  At least, it is how I happen to see it.

Of course, there will always be argument over religion and its practices.  I have heard some very compelling arguments about these practices being nothing more than man-made rules to follow.  Heck, I remember just the demand of not eating meat on Ash Wednesday and on Fridays during Lent when I was a child, to learn that the rules changed to not eating at all on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday with no meat for the Fridays in between until Easter Sunday.  Sure, there are exceptions when it came to age and health issues that required people to eat for their medications, and that even gives more validity to the man-made rule belief.  Sure, I could just not give something up for the Lenten Season, or I could opt to give more, but where does that remind me that there was sacrifice during this time?  Heck, I think my parents and the parents of parents can attest to the fact that having a child is a serious sacrifice with no time limits.  I should know because I sacrifice every day something for DD, if not just my freedom to do whatever I want (when I want it), it is of money, time, food, and my heart.  Of course, those sacrifices are given willingly and often because of unconditional love.  Isn't that the same as the love God has given us?  DD can clean her room or do the dishes without being asked and that offering of more is just as appreciated as having her sacrifice a little socializing time to do these things.  It is all in how it can be perceived.  And without the big showing of being challenged to the masses with a title of being a religious act.  A good example of this is in the bible under Matthew 6:5 and it says this.....

5"When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. 6"But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.…

While this can be seen in various angles and explained various ways.... it is the basis that faith is an individual thing and is not necessary to be thrown about in the faces of others to prove a point.  I guess that is why I really do not shout from the mountaintops (if there were any where I live), what my intentions are for this time of sacrifice and reflection.

Now, if people were to argue by foundation of faith and religion and why I am a believer.... well, I can sum that up in something even easier.....

Faith is blind, but it is a choice.  I do not need science to believe in my faith, nor do I feel it is necessary to use science to try to disprove my beliefs.  I choose to believe in the mystery and the miracles.  No need to change my mind as I have no interest in changing yours, but I will still love you just the same.  Everyone believes in something and this is what I believe.....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Just a random "Mind-Flush"...

Howdy!  Got some things that I managed to wonder about recently and figured I would share....

Now, I would like to begin with a, "I wonder if I am the only one wondering", kind-of thing...

A recent news report mentioned that a man falsely accused of rape and murder of a minor was released recently.  Yep, the legal system got a little egg on its face when the DNA results exonerated an accused man of something he kept on stating he never did.  Well, after years of being in prison, he is getting released and the mainstream media felt compelled to share not just this story, but his name, just so the public knows that this innocent man has spent years in prison.  While the proof finally did set him free, I wonder.....  Does being incarcerated change a person?  I have no doubt they would change, but there are some curious odds at stake here.  Not all reformed criminals stay reformed for long.  Sure, there are some that really do change for the better, but what about the ones that were innocent to begin with?  Do they change because of the environment they were thrust upon?  Just wondering if this guy is going to stay on the straight and narrow after being falsely accused.  Have you wondered?

Okay, onward to a recent feeling/thought about a current event that happened in my life....

I just recently worked my fingers into a cramped state with making some of the things I turned to as stress-reducing hobbies for a craft fair like event.  I was honored to hear supportive comments that the things I make with my hands are worthy to be sold to the masses and that I should do just that to add yet another layer to helping support my family.  The thing is.... I have to spend money with hopes of making back what I spent when I sell.  I think that is why I was so uncertain I could actually be considered an artisan that can sell what I make.  In all honesty, I see myself more as the starving artist than an artisan.  I have no clue what people like, I have no clue if what I am required to charge is considered fair and reasonable, and if people would actually buy my things, but I took a chance and lost BIG and will most likely lose even bigger when it is all done.  I should have known better than to think that my hobby is worthy of paying for itself.  Especially when the direct competition is discount stores that charge less than what I pay in materials.  I never even factored the hours that I worked at making these things, basically, I priced the things I made for this event I attended at slightly above cost of materials (since I pay taxes on my materials).  Probably, if I priced everything at below what I shelled out to make these things.... I might have sold more than 4 things in three hours.  Of course, either way I look at it.... I would have not broken even, but it hurts all the same.  I banked on at least breaking even at this event, but I obviously didn't.  Sure, I had a lot of people looking at what I have toiled over for weeks, I did no housework and every waking free moment I had consisted of making things to sell for three weeks, solid.

I did share information about the event, I reminded people as often as I could via social media without being annoying, and I even posted pictures of what I have accomplished to at least spark some interest.  Sadly, it did not pan out as planned, but I did offer my most heartfelt thanks for those that came, looked and said "hi".  A few bought something, of which I appreciated more and offered even more thanks.  I really have nothing to complain about.... I just knew that people were not going to be interested.  I took the chance because of the positive feedback.  I know better now.  I just have no clue what to do with all of this stuff I made.  I guess I could just keep it.  DH might not be all that happy about it.  I could use it as gifts and give it away, but doing that would make my chest hurt more than it already does.  In fact, I feel a little sick that I so readily accepted all the compliments and believed that people would actually buy something I made.  Regardless the fact that it all started out as a hobby or a way to diffuse stress.

With all this in mind, I started to wonder if I am actually worthy of much these days.  I am struggling at work with rebuilding a clientele I lost, feeling I am in competition with my coworkers for work.  Well, not in competition with all of my coworkers.  I happen to have one that is quite ruthless and will trample over me to take every opportunity that walks through the door.  Everyone else seems real nice.  I really like the almost drama-free environment that I work in now.  It is the rebuilding of a clientele that is killing me.  I already know that life offers no guarantees and it is going to take hard work (and patience), but it just would be nice if I could see into the future and know for certain that everything will get better.  These past few months are not exactly a fact-filled barometer to even give me a baseline to see where it is going.  With the holiday rush hitting the post-holiday slump, I have no clue if growth is going to happen any time soon.

I am already aware of the value I happen to be at home.  It is not all that high, but at least the tension has diminished.  Any stress at home is of my doing and my problem.  DH has been making some big changes and I am impressed with his resolve in following through.  DD is doing well at school, she made the honor roll (I have the bumper sticker to prove it), but is not all that good at handling the stresses of life in high school.  DH and I are doing our best to help her through this tough transition, but it appears that the ability to mask over unhappy things is a strong trait in this family.  I am aware that DH has some stress to deal with at work, as well as I do, but we still do not communicate about it, nor do we ask for help about it.  We are more focused on DD and helping her out, as it should be.  Of course, avoiding the problems that are swept under the rug or put on the back burner, so to speak, is not exactly fixing the problems and will most likely grow into something that will we will have no clue to what to do about it.  I just hope we can keep it from growing out of hand.  Maybe chisel at it a little at a time to work it out and get a solution.  Not exactly holding my breath for that to come to fruition, but I do happen to hold a little candle of hope it can happen.

Well, with that full box of crafts and bead work still sitting in my car, I have to figure where I can put it all for now, while I figure my next move.  As I mentioned earlier, I did thank everyone that did manage to attend the event, thanked those that bought something, and shared my doubts as simply as I could to if I am willing to take another chance.  Which, by the way... the chances are small.  I cannot afford to do more.  I did get some positive feedback and even some told me to keep trying, but what I experienced last night managed to tell me that what I make is not all that special and nothing in demand.  Could be the current economy and the new household budget that put a kibosh on selling anything more than I did manage to sell last night.  I could try to join the masses that sell their stuff on Etsy, eBay, and the likes, but I just really do not have the time or energy to maintain a website.  Heck, I barely ever manage to keep up with my social page or even this blog.  THAT is definitely saying something.  Well, time to get the day started.  I have housework to do.  Thanks for reading and sorry I was such a "downer".

Why I don't do well selling things I have made.....

Howdy!  Just a quick blog entry about what has been going on over these past few weeks.....

Lets see....  lets start with why today's entry is having this title, shall we?  Great.

I received a call from big brother about an opportunity to sell some of my stress-reducing crafts in beads, or better categorized... bead woven jewelry.  You see, I have these go-to hobbies to keep a level head, and I have had a couple over these past 18 years or so.  It all started with DH's annual "fishing trips".  Really, these fishing trips were just a weekend with the guys to get hammered and not deal with their nagging spouses/girlfriends... not one fish was ever brought home, but they certainly did come home with a sunburn and a raging hangover.  Not all that sure if their livers were thanking them, but they do manage to relax and have some fun.

My first hobby was painting glass.  I went to the local hobby store and got a starter kit with brushes and a few instructional books to learn this craft.  With a fair amount of patience and a lot of swearing, I was able to make some really nice stuff.  I painted on glassware, vases, and even some glass ornaments.  Well, one year, while DD was in preschool, I donated some painted glass for a fundraiser for the school and it snowballed into becoming a participant as a local artist in their fundraiser/craft fair.  Well, let me tell you this.... I was one glass painting maniac for a solid month to get ready for this thing, but I only had a limited number of things to sell and offered to take orders if a person wanted to purchase something I already sold.  BIG MISTAKE on my part because I went home after 3 hours with nothing to take home and at least a dozen orders to fill.  Took me another solid 4 weeks to fill the orders because the glassware I needed was in limited supply.  Once I finished filling those orders... I thought that was it, but NO...  I was asked to do this venue for another 2 years and one open house show for the event planner.  Needless to say.... I was all painted out and decided to take on a different hobby.

That was when I took an interest in beaded jewelry.  It started off simple... just stringing beads on wire.  Expensive, but fun.  After about a year or so of simple stringing, I learned hand-knotting pearls, and then a little wire wrapping.  It was the day I saw some of the most beautiful, detailed works in bead weaving and bead embroidery, that I took my simple, yet expensive hobby to a new level.  I took classes, invested in materials, and found peace in making some really pretty stuff I could wear, and it did not take up as much space as painted glass did.  Of course, with all this knowledge, I became the go-to girl for fixing broken jewelry of friends and co-workers.  I made a little money selling a few things I have made and was told I should join the masses that sell on Etsy or join the craft fair circuit.  I just never thought I had enough for either since everything I have made either became a gift or was bought from me before I could amass enough to do a showing.  Heck, most of what I made I kept for myself.  My mom kept me knee deep in requests for things and she at least supplied me with the materials to make it.  The few things I did make for sale were for a co-worker that loved what I made and wanted it in a certain color, a certain style variation, and did pay me for the work, that is, once I made it to her specifications.  I still have an almost finished pair of earrings made with the smallest seed beads I have worked with (size  15/0, and believe me... these are really small beads... like stringing dust) and had to scrap that pair to start over because the color of the crystal was not deep enough.  I kept those unfinished earrings unfinished as a reminder that I just cannot do special orders for picky people.... I would definitely lose my mind ;)

Well, with that history put out there, I am now faced with the challenge of selling stuff I make.... AGAIN.  Big brother mentioned to a person hosting an upcoming event that I make beaded jewelry and I also paint glass.  Needless to say.... they were interested in having me join this event.  Gotta just love my big brother.  He was looking out for me to find a way to make some money with what I made.  I really do appreciate it, but when I agreed to do this venue... I quickly realized that I did not have enough stuff to actually sell and decided that the next 3 weeks were going to be dedicated to making beaded items (earrings, necklaces, bracelets).  Yep, for 2 solid weeks, I spent all my free time hovered over beads, making stuff to sell, totally forgetting that big brother also mentioned that I will be selling painted glass at this venue, too.  I remembered last night checking out the venue information on Facebook and turned pale at the mention that I will be also selling painted glass.  Yep, not all that confident that I made enough beaded works and found out that I have absolutely NOTHING in painted glass (I sold it or gave it all away years ago).

Racing frantically against the constant ticking of the clock and with less than a week to be prepared....  I went shopping for some glassware and found a few things I never got to painting and started painting it all.  Well, that is, after getting more paint and supplies since DD has misplaced all of my painting supplies.  Once I at least finish what I have planned to make... I have to go through the daunting task of pricing all this stuff to sell and that is where I will second guess myself and probably either sell my soul or sell nothing.  I know what I value what I have made, I know how much I have invested in making these things, but it is the potential buyer that will decide if I am worth the prices I am charging.  Sadly, people are afraid of what I charge for the bead work I do.  I will try to be reasonable about it, but I have heard too many oohs and aahs with the mention of, "that is a little out of my price range for something like this".  The nice person that I am will try to explain the investment and the time to make these things, but how can I compete with discount stores selling plastic knock-offs of what I make?  Oh, and it has been YEARS since I have been selling hand-painted glass and I am not even sure of the price market for that kind of thing.  Yep... feeling a stress headache coming on and worrying about supply, demand, and if it will all sell (or not).

I will say this..... what I will be selling is all that I have and I will not be available for special orders because I am feeling like a factory of one and I am taking a much needed break after this event is over.

Well, time is still ticking and I have less than a week to be ready and I am nowhere near ready.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Figuring right from wrong, up from down, left from "the other left"....

Good morning!  Just a quick blog before I start getting ready for the weekly grocery shopping excursion.

Last night, I managed to stay up quite late with a book that I was really struggling to finish.  Yes, I am one of those people that finish reading every book that crosses my path.  Even the really bad ones get a chance for redemption.  This last book was called, The Pact, and it sounded promising in the book description.  Heck, the reviews seemed promising.  So I put in my 99 cents and got a copy for my Kindle.  Sadly, once I got to the first chapter, I knew I was going to struggle.  Each chapter was in one character's point of view.  I am not really a big fan of this writing style because when it is done this way.... there is a lot of repetition.  Then, of course, this book also lacked much in character development and focused way too much on dirty talk.  I am far from being a prude, but there are just some things that will turn me completely off, and this book hit the bulls-eye with flipping my interest switch.  Simply put.... These characters had nothing but multitudes of romps in the sheets.  Some call it erotica, but I saw this more as the Kama Sutra described poorly, but I digress.  Maybe I just lack the imagination this writer had... and the endurance (ha ha ha).

Well, while I was trying to digest a poor choice in reading materials I got for 99 cents, I had the TV on in the background for something to have my eyes take a break from time to time from reading so darn much.  By the time the infomercials came on, I started to watch and wonder about my not-so-new New Years Resolution of losing a few pounds.  Okay... A lot of pounds, but you get my point, right?  A woman never sees herself thin enough, young enough, or pretty enough... I get it.  Heck, I got it!  I am just a typical woman continually in fear of the bathroom scale and the mirror.  I know I will never get truly back to my teenage weight because (a) I am no longer a teenager, and (b) after having my daughter... I am not built the same to be my teenage weight.  I just would like to be back in jeans that don't make me look like a cracked can of biscuit dough.  Sure, I can go a larger size, but with that larger size....  my internal loathing scale rises, too. So, for now.... I am a fan of yoga pants and I have not done yoga in months (2 to be exact).

Well, with these infomercials about this diet or that workout DVD set, a new at-home torture devise, or a diet supplement.... I wondered where all these ideas come from.  With all those commercials about Weight Watchers (which remind me of food-hating Nazis claiming that you can still eat what you love and still lose weight), Nutrisystem (the freeze-dried variety of a "balanced diet"), or Jenny Craig (yes, they still exist with those pre-packaged meal plans) with mentions of another "let us think for you" diet from a company called Seattle Sutton's.... Everyone has a plan that supposedly works.  I am sure it can... that is, if you can afford to lighten your bank account more than your caloric intake.  Oh, and don't get me started with the great debate to what foods people should be eating.  The cooking show, Hungry Girl, pushes a lifestyle that sounds more chemical based than natural with all that fat free stuff.  Which, by the way, reminds me of that wacky blonde Susan Powter (I think that is her last name) with her "STOP THE INSANITY!" by-line of avoiding fats like the plague back in the 90's.  Diet pills and supplements being the new "wonder drug" to the obesity issue plaguing this world is yet seen as another crutch that people turn to because while the mind is somewhat willing... the taste buds are not able to offer restraint.  Arguments over juicing over eating the actual fruit and vegetables, eating butter vs margarine, olive oil vs canola oil, white bread vs wheat bread, to consume gluten or not to consume gluten, eat more to weigh less or eat less and move more... these are the questions everyone has these days.  What is the "in" thing today will be the "out" thing tomorrow... or next week or next month.  Science and math fighting over what is best, but not winning any argument.  Sadly, we all have become tired, both mentally and physically, from counting calories going in and being used, but there is not one exact result that remains true to every individualized body alive.  Is it our thyroid to blame?  Is it our metabolism?  Is it genetics?  Our blood type?  Our habits? Or just a severe case of bad luck that these new and/or improved diets, supplements, or exercise regimes just don't work?

I have no answers since everything I looked into, tried, or considered trying is argued to the nth degree.  Fat free condiments equal more chemicals and less nutritional value, what is considered natural is being treated with chemicals to produce more, organic is beyond cost effective, but what are the true parameters that state it is truly organic and that those guidelines are are being upheld.  Is that gluten free bread really, truly, 100% gluten free?  Or is it the state of mind that makes it free of glutens.  And to be totally honest.... What in the hell is a gluten and why are people now so allergic to it when they weren't before?  I guess I need to look that one up, but sadly, everything I look up has so many opinions about it.... there is less faith in what is fact and what is fiction.  Kind of like an article I read about organic produce.  While organic is expensive, it is not necessarily prudent to be organic with everything.  Especially, if you don't eat the skin.  Really, who is to say that pesticides and ripening agents only affect the skin and not what lies beneath it?  Is there actual fact?  Or is this yet another lobbyists ploy to knock down our defenses.  Heck, I was not there when it was "produced", so to speak, but I am not exactly allowed to dictate how it is made, either.

I grew up drinking milk from a cow.  Not directly from the cow, but the cow supplied the milk in that carton in my fridge.  Not from an almond, a goat, or a coconut, or even a soybean, but I am not totally against spreading out my wings, but how does one cook with it?  My daughter is lactose indifferent (not exactly intolerant), but her choices that rarely upset her are cheese, yogurt, and if it is used in baking/cooking.  Probably has something to do with the process used, but I am not all that sold on substitutes for that I have become accustomed to.  I know that there are organic brands out there, but is there really people following the regulations to the letter if their livelihoods depend on production for the masses?  What seems even more disturbing is the need to supplement our bodies with vitamins to acquire to parameters set before us in nutrient requirements and that is even done with chemicals.  Then, of course, there is the interest in the caloric count, fat count, and whatnot that makes people doubt themselves if they made the right choice in the first place.

As my rant could go on and on about the nitpicked, loved and hated of foods gone by... I need to mention another thing bouncing in my head....  It is the dreaded word called... Exercise.  I am not exactly sure of the purpose, other than to burn calories (yep, again circling back to the whole diet fiasco), but I have to put this out there.  Who thinks it is an ideal number of requiring 10,000 steps to be done on a daily basis, in addition to the already active lifestyle of any person too busy to stop and smell the roses?  Where is it necessary to lift weight to put it back down just to lift it again?  What are we really achieving here?  Are we flexing our muscles in the knowledge that we can push, lift, or pull something heavy a bunch of times?  Sure, muscle integrity is necessary for remain upright (our bones can only do so much), and muscles also create endurance, but is my only choice for exercise always going to be in a germ-infested, sweat box of insecurity?  Especially when I am doing my best to get to a healthy state that I get exposed to some of the most disgusting people on the planet?  AND pay for the experience?  Maybe I am missing something here, but hauling my flabby backside in a place where people do more preening and judgment of others is not all that appealing to me.  Even with a workout buddy, I just cannot stomach to egotism that flows through those useless air vents.  Especially, when I do go, I see two categories of people that hit that place....  The gym-rats that think they know what they are doing (and doing it wrong), and the socialites (the ones preening in front of the mirrors, chatting with friends, and are only there to say that they went).  Sure, there are a few people that actually know what they are doing and actually work out without judging others in their presence, but even those people become frustrating to a person re-starting for the millionth time.  Learned my lesson last year, this time of year is when all the determination in the world goes to the gym to work off their holiday weight gain with hopes of attaining their resolutions to lose weight, only to quit trying in about a month of going.  Most likely because they feel the same as I do about the gym....  It is far easier to find something more interesting than battling for the only available treadmill or circuit training machine with hopes of getting out of the place in less than an hour, of which we struggle to have in our busy lifestyle.

I have to say this one thing before I go.... Being a grownup sucks!  I wish I was a kid again!  I grew up on those no-no foods and now I have to now love the stuff I used to hide under my napkin.  I used to love being active because it involved my friends and now... I am pushing myself to be active with a bunch of strangers for the sole purpose to feel good in my own skin again.  I have to find love in doing stuff I would rather get a root canal than do them.  Like go to a gym that disgusts me and be surrounded with judgmental gym-rats or space-hogging socialites filled with sweat, germs and despair.  What is even more frustrating is with all this information I have amassed over the years.... I cannot, for the life of me, figure what is up from down, right from wrong, or left from "my other left" in this journey to actually be truly successful and have it stick with me.

Well, it is time to get the grocery list made.  Dinner plans get discussed with a teenager that is starting to hate the stuff my husband loves.  And who wouldn't?  He has been in a food jag of epic proportions for years and can put a 2-year old to shame.  Sigh.... Hopefully, I can find a happy middle ground this week and be able to get in those foods I am supposed to love that taste bland, boring and acceptable across more than one diet plan's list of acceptable foods.  As the saying goes in every Weight Watcher's meeting I have ever attended..... "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"....  Yea, RIGHT!  They apparently never tasted real food before that was not nitpicked within an inch of existence to be deemed a points worthy food.  Have a good one!

Lesson Learned and NEVER to be repeated....

Happy New Year!  Oh, that's right.... it is not 2015... YET.  I will say this... Today's blog post is DEFINITELY a fitting end to 2014 that just might give me hope that 2015 should get better.  And trust me.... I am praying that 2015 is better.

Of course, I should not be writing when I am teetering on the brink of losing my cool, but what better way to really share what I feel without a "filter", so to speak.  So, I am apologizing in advance for my penchant for cussing like a sailor or a trucker with road rage.

Just the other day, I blogged about my year in review and how I have put on my rose colored glasses to how things are just great or getting better.  That my year has lacked some sort of finesse of spinning the light fantastic and that even though my experiences were just so ho-hum and not all that exciting.  Call it writer's block, but I recall a time I wrote my actual feelings and took the slings and arrows of what I called criticism of who I am as a person and not in any constructive manner by people that tell me that they actually care for my well-being.  I am now screaming BULLSHIT and I am now going to lay it all on the line.  Luckily, you have taken this opportunity to hear not my final rant of 2014, and lets just pray that 2015 improves because I am seriously on the brink of breaking my "being nice and considerate" filter and really tell people what I think.

Lets begin... shall we?  RIGHT!

As it was noted in my previous blog entry, I started a new job.  I was not happy where I was working.  It had nothing to do with the people I was working with, but staying stagnant in a pool of quicksand was squeezing the life out of me.  You wonder what I mean by quicksand, right?  Simply put.... I put up with several years of being treated like the bastard child asking for scraps.  Hell, I was pleading for more work, but I was not seen as capable of growth with my one measly day of existence there.  I tried my hardest to build, but with others needing to do the same.... I kindly accepted what scraps was offered me and did my best to build a clientele.  The nice person I am accepted things as they were, but I had hope of building a solid clientele.  Heck, there was a time, I saw success in my sights and was going to ask for more hours.  Sadly, another turnaround happened in either the front desk support, a shift in management, or a whole new group of new stylists came in and with these changes.... I was pushed into the dark corner yet again.  At times feeling quite forgotten.  I did my best to keep my head up... or down working hard, through these many changes.  I remained true to who I am.... A reasonable human being.  It just took a while to hit my limit of the bullshit of being shoved in the corner, forgotten, and feeling like the bastard child.  I held no animosity towards anyone that is still there.  I really do wish them the best and I do miss those few that became really good friends to me.  It hurt to leave, but I had to.  I needed opportunities to grow.

Now, with this new place I call my work home, I felt that there is opportunity.  I shared with my new boss my need to increase my presence to build a clientele and she gave me hours that I could work with.  Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:00 am until 3:00 pm, and Saturdays from 9:00 am until 4:00 pm.  Sounded ideal since I have a family that refuses to step up and help around the house.  I did not have to leave my daughter home alone at night, since DH seems to always be working late, and I was always home to at least have dinner on the table before DH did come home.  Sure, my housework duties are suffering, but it will just take some time to get a system in place so I can be the overachiever housewife that I have been for almost 15 years.  I know it is my fault for enabling my family to be lazy, but DH made it very clear that if I am at home to take care of the home.... there is no need for others to help me.  I felt that even with my challenges regarding home and work... things were going to look up.  I was determined to make it happen.

Well, when I started at my new job.  I had a real opportunity to build because I was starting right when the holiday rush had started.  With those few clients that told me that they were following me to my new place of employment and new walk-in business.... Things were really looking up.  All of the new fellow employees seemed to be the exception to the rule of being uncomfortable for this new kid in the salon.  I felt really blessed.  THAT is when I realized that regardless of what I tended to believe was not necessarily fact.  Here is what happened since my recent move and how I am on the brink of just putting my scissors away and never look back...

Lets see... shall I begin with the supposed rumors being started that I am telling unkind and untruthful stories about another coworker that I have known for over 15 years?  Or shall I tell you about how I am being accused of being an opportunity-stealing whore?  How about this one....  How about I tell you the story of how being the nice person that I happen to be to EVERYONE is seen as fake and that I am a kiss-ass because I desperately need to be accepted by my co-workers?  Maybe I need to share the multitude of guilt-trips I get just for existing?  Heck, those few new clients that pre-booked future appointments with me is frowned upon as being a client-whore.  Regardless that I sit with absolutely NOTHING in my book for hours, waiting for an opportunity to shine, while my co-workers feel entitled to just show up whenever and leave when they want to because they do not believe in the fact that in order to build a clientele... YOU NEED TO BE AVAILABLE WHEN THE CLIENT NEEDS YOU.  It is not my fault that they cannot make their rent that month.  In this line of work.... you need to be working to EARN your paycheck.  Sitting around with nothing to do is not gonna pay the bills, but so is not being at work when you are supposed to be there.  I have no clue how these people believe that entitlement is going to get them ahead in life, but my existence is a reality-check and I am definitely not well liked or welcomed for it.  Heck, the emotional hell I have been going through these past two (2) whole months, makes me almost miss my non-existent existence from my last job.  

I know that starting at a new place in a commission-based service industry is going to be hard.  I know it takes time for people to get to know me and believe that I am a really nice person with no intentions of malicious tendencies.  I do not have a vindictive bone in my body and I do my best to believe there is good in others, but I do have my limits.  If someone pushes me... I will push back, but I do think before I push, so when I do push back.... I am pushing for the right reasons and not have it be some knee-jerk reaction because I have strength I have not tapped into yet and fearful how strong it is.  Plainly put... I don't want to hurt people.  I take a lot of shit from people and that may make me look like a wimp or a proverbial doormat, but I am stronger than what most people give me credit for.  Heck, I put up with several years of bullshit from my last job before I cut my ties.  I put up with bullshit in my own home on a daily basis, and that has been happening for years.  I did not ask for this bullshit, I don't want it, and I don't have time for it, but I tolerate it for the greater good. 

Damn shame I am so tolerant, but I did happen to have the year 2014 to go out with a lesson to hold close to my heart.  What is the lesson, you ask?  No matter how strong you want to believe that everything will be okay....  Nothing is as it seems.

Remember:  People will try to break people down.  It can be with a sneer just as easily as it is with a smile, and the most dangerous ones will do it with a smile to your face.

Will I get stronger from these recent events?  I think I can.  Will I continue to move forward?  I am going to do my best.  Am I going to tolerate the bullshit?  Well, that is anyone's guess, but I would strongly advise against shoveling more my way.  Will my new co-workers  stop with the petty bullshit and accept me as part of the team?  Doubtful, since there is pettiness between some long-standing employees.  My heart went out for one that has had some nasty names said about her behind her back, but not anymore since she decided today to rope me in with the haters and called me a threat to her paycheck.  I don't have room for stupid people, and that includes the delusional ones.  I have had my fill of that drama bullshit and apparently being nice to these whack-jobs is just gonna drag me down with them.  I do know, that if they decide to come around and be nice to me.... I am going to be very careful around them and not let them in. I will handle it in a way of ealing with a crazy person.... gentle, slow and VERY detached.  As the saying goes... "a leopard cannot change its spots", sure, it can mask it if they rolled around in the mud, but those spots will always be there.

Thanks for reading.  Have a happy New Years Eve and may 2015 be WAY better than 2014.  Be safe and look for new stuff to come next year.

My year in review.....

WOW!  2014 is almost over and 2015 is just mere hours away.  Well, if those hours are can also be counted in 24 hour increments to count days.... I have a few days until I need to constantly remind myself of the year change on anything that requires having a date written, that is.  So, with that in mind.... I would like to share with you what has happened in the past 12 months....

Obviously, I have returned to my original blogger site.  There was a moment that this site made some changes and would not allow me to share on any social media site except Google +, and I rarely ever utilize that site.  Most likely because this "old dog" needs time to learn new tricks.  Sure, I have a Google + page, but not all the cool kids hang there (wink, wink).  Luckily, in my computer addled mind, I figured out how to share where I want to and I am quite happy about that.  With that accomplishment achieved.... I just need to find that darn Windows template for my grocery list and get that back on my computer and my life will be complete.  How pathetic is that?

Well, lets see.... what has happened to my over these past 12 months.....  Hmmm....

Not all that much has been happening.  I only have a few highlights to share and then I am off to do way too much with very little time to accomplish it all.

I have been the wormiest of a bookworm lately and still hooked on women's fiction.  I am totally hooked on authors like Kristan Higgans, Jill Shalvis, and Kathleen Brooks, but I am also a fan of Melanie Shawn.  With roughly over 200 books read so far.... you think I would hit a rut and change genres, but I am hooked on quirky characters, mild angst, and happily ever afters.  Who knew?  Not me, but here I am.... looking for more to read of that romantic garbage that I loathed in my younger years.  Darn shame Janet Evanovich tapped out when it came to good books to read.  She was quite good, but luckily an up and comer named Elise Sax is taking her place.  Heck, I became actual Facebook friends with the author and that alone is pretty cool!  Never personally met the woman, but I sure do love her slant of humor in her books.  I only have one more author to mention in my list of go-to authors of this year and she does not write romance....  Jen Lancaster is an absolute HOOT and her memoirs are of legend!  In fact, I did meet her once at a book signing at the local library.  I even got to meet her husband Fletch and had a few laughs.

If I am not reading my way through life, I am also learning various bead weaving patterns.  Mostly in the making of jewelry.  I went from nameless customer to friend to hairdresser of the owner of the bead store I was visiting so frequently... people thought I worked there.  Everyone that has seen what I have made keep asking me to sell my stuff, but once I tell them how much I would have to sell it in order to make a small profit from it.....  people just admire it and walk away.  What I spend in beads, along with the time I spend making stuff....  Lets just say.... I cannot compete with chain stores like Charming Charlies and Claires.  Art is expensive and what I make is art.  Or so as I have been told.  Maybe, someday, I will get the drive to set up an Etsy account or participate in a craft fair, but for now..... I am just enjoying the task at hand.

On a more personal note, I have had some changes....  My marriage hit a real rough patch and there was talk of a split.  DH was not happy and neither was I for a while there.  After a HUGE blow-up of epic proportions, we had to come to an agreement.  Of course, it took me to point out all of the deep thought I had going on to have him see that marriage is not easy and it takes effort of both to make it work.  Sadly, I informed him that I have put far too much effort on my own and handed the baton to him to realize he needs to put in more effort.  The moment I did that..... there is a calming of the storm, so to speak.  Sure, I see there are times he is about to blow up over some minuscule thing, but I give him time and space to figure out a solution before it gets out of hand.  Of course, since his little announcement of wanting to split and with me not caving in (I actually got really mad), our family is detached, but attached.  We are all in the same house, but in different parts to give each other some space to get our heads on straight.  DH takes the living room, I take the family room, and DD prefers the comfort of her bedroom.  Once all of us have a little down time... we come together and talk it out like rational people.  No more are the days of confronting the problem right away.  We take the time to think things through and see things from another's point of view.  Chances are.... things will blow up again, but for now.... things are good.

On the career front.... I drew the line in the sand and changed jobs when the line was crossed.  I was working one day a week for several years with hopes of increasing the number of days and hours to something more than where I started.  Sure, I could have just added more days, but other factors were holding me back.  I needed to have clients (a reason for being there) to increase and with the drama, mistakes-a-plenty in the appointment book, and the lack of actual space for me to actually be there... I was losing clients.  I will not point the finger at anyone for that, but something was going on that did not rub me the right way and I knew I had to go.  I loved where I worked, I loved the people I worked with, but I felt like the proverbial whipping child and it was wearing me down to the point where I was not liking my job all that much.  I witnessed too many walk-outs to count, there has only been a handful of people that weathered these storms and half of the staff changed so frequently.... I never really got to know any of them.  It was feeling more like a factory or pit stop for some of those people.  Teamwork was at an all time low and there was so much animosity that a person can actually feel it in the air.  With that in mind.... I left without a new place secured.  I was frantic, but I knew what I wanted and found a place that is willing to meet mt needs and I couldn't be happier.  Sure, it is going to be hard to rebuild what I lost in the move from one salon to another, but I have faith that it will get better over time.  It did not hurt that my move happened during the holiday season.  I got the new walk-in clients and started building from the start.  Of course, with dealing with a holiday rush.... the next two months will be painfully slow and my paychecks will definitely suffer.  But with the additional days of being available to clients, a work space of my very own, an appreciative boss, and a support staff that put the word support in support staff.... I have faith that things will be just fine in time.  As with any new person in a salon environment, there will be some animosity and drama, but that will also blow over in time once they realize that what they see in me is what they get.  I am the real deal and I am there to work.  My smile is genuine and I am a nice person.  If my new co-workers don't like it... I am not worried.  I have at least seven more years before I lose my cool.  I am patient like that.

Other than that.... lets see....  DD is doing GREAT in school (all A's and a few B's), and is looking to go to summer school so she is guaranteed her AP class in science next year.  Her career path is lookig like it will be science-based and she is currently interested in the field of CSI (crime scene investigating).  Not all that confident that is her perfect fit of a career, but I support her choices.  She needs to be happy with what she does.  She is competing in speech club and doing well in the field she was placed in (humorous interpretation), and she joined a few other clubs in school.  Just so proud of her that she is so active in school and manages to keep up those good grades.  DH is doing well.  He has not had any heart issues over the past three (going on to four) years since his health scare back in 2011.  He is eating healthier (my doing), and he enjoys his daily walks for activity.  He quit smoking shortly after his health scare and is happier with how he feels... so proud of that.  Sadly, these holidays are taking a toll on our waistlines and with Christmas finally past us... we can get back on track with better food choices.  I just hope we can get exited over salads again because I definitely need to dig deep to find the love for lettuce again (blech).

Well, I am off to get a part for the garage door opener today.  Darn thing broke last night and I had to park in the driveway.  Apparently, a gear in the thing turned into dust from years of use (it was plastic, of all things).  Just glad it did not crush anyone because it went up a little before crashing down.  Con't complain about getting this thing fixed.  Found the replacement part in stock at Sears and it was only $24.99 (before tax), and that is a bigger savings compared to what the cost of a new one is.  Oh, and having a partner in life that insists on fixing everything.  Heck, he has fixed these old appliances in my home for so long that they are now back in style.  While I would love something new in this house.... I am just happy with functioning stuff.  Yep, one year of nothing much has me appreciating even more the less of life.

Wishing you all only the best to come in 2015.....  Thanks for reading!