Just having one of those days, my friends... The self-loathing phase has arrived. See where deep thinking takes me?? I get a feeling of being a little nostalgic and feeling lost somehow stirs up my insecurities into some kind of person I would not even want to hang out with. At times like these, I should be making a list of all my good attributes to remind myself that even though I feel alone, ugly and undesirable in the presence of DH... I am something special. I have to take the blind leap into faith that I am loved regardless of the invisible wall that separates and isolates me. I should embrace the "now" aspect of life. The chosen path has been taken and acceptance is required of everything that happens because of the choices I made. In the theory of Einstein's theory of relativity that states, "in every action, there is an equal or greater reaction", which is like describing the bounce of a ball.... The harder you throw it down, the higher it will bounce. Little did I think this through because it depends upon what the ball is made of. Bouncing a rubber ball will result in a bounce upward compared to bouncing a ball made of lead.
Here is my list of "lead" balls that I have experienced over the years.....
* Accommodating people are nice people.
(nope, accommodating people get treated like doormats)
* What is on the inside matters more than appearances on the outside.
(nope, people do judge others by what they see instead of what they know)
* Feeling love never needs reassurance.
(nope, reassurance is necessary because people tend to forget, but asking for reassurance makes you appear needy)
* What we experience offers great potential in change.
(sure, if there is a willingness to change. If not, well.... get used to disappointments)
* Acceptance is key to being reasonable.
(sure, but always being the one to accept getting the short end of the stick never changes your odds of getting the long end of the stick)
* Thinking of others over thinking about yourself makes you appreciated in the end.
(nope, you get forgotten because always doing for others without acknowledgment becomes something expected instead of appreciated)
* Nice people never have hidden resentment.
(not always true. Get them drunk and see what flies out of their mouth)
* Apologies are genuine.
(not if it happens again and again and again)
* Changing expectations are heard and heeded to.
(nope, what you see is what you get unless they desire to change)
And here is my favorite one.....
* Sharing concerns or feelings is a good thing when in a relationship.
(nope, gets you labeled as crazy, needy or up to something. Sometimes, it can result in arguments because some statements can come off as "stupid thinking". Especially when the other person appears aloof/detached, disinterested, or stressed)
Insecurities and critical thinking with zero reassurance from the ones you place such high regard upon makes it really hard to get out of this funk. I think I am loved, but really, love is only a word spoken these days. I need to seek out for love and comfort within myself in order to see past the words. It is just so hard when my need for love is depending upon being loved by another. Heck! I would take being desired, appreciated or even being acknowledged over being loved. I just need a little spot to start climbing myself out of this rut. It is just sad to see that my highest expectations are really the lowest expectations others have....
Well, on a brighter note.... I learned that stress makes a person gain weight at a fast rate. I am just pleasantly surprised that in comparison to the levels of stress that I have been through, I am not as heavy as I probably could be, given the circumstances. I somehow managed to slow the gaining process. I am not losing, but I am not doubled in size since the great economic crash started. I just need to figure how to lose weight with stress levels so high I could kill a horse..... If I do that, I just might get one bad attribute to go away.
No comments:
Post a Comment