Silent participation...

Just seems like I am going through a phase of sorts.  I do not have much to share these days.  I guess it stems from really having nothing to look forward to... you know, something like a vacation or a reunion.  The unpredictable weather has definitely put a damper on planning anything before noon on any given day.  By the time I can finally get DD motivated to go anywhere, it is time to make dinner and wait for DH to come home.

With all this "free time", I have been making the effort to pay attention to things that much more.  I have noticed that time does not necessarily heal all wounds.  Something odd is happening between DH and myself.  Things almost feel strained.  I really have not offered much insight of my feelings to him because I somehow feel compelled to try to figure out what is causing this rift that has no arguments or fights all on my own.  It is almost like we silently participate in existing in the same home.  Each day is the same.  He goes to the garage, I take care of the house and DD, and nothing else.  I know that it is wrong to compare just wedded bliss to an established marriage, but somewhere along the way, we became detached.  The kiss "hello" and the kiss "goodbye" is not happening.  The "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation sounds either strained or without feeling.  Basically, like just going through the motions of something you do every day...  like a repetitive job.  I even remember when we first got married almost 13 years ago, how he would just look at me with love in his eyes.  Nowadays, I can't even catch seeing him take a glimpse my way.  Knowing that I am a girl and that I will be prone to girl-like reactions even though I am a self proclaimed tomboy, I am starting to wonder if time has not been my best friend.  That maybe I have become repulsive in his eyes.  I know that I am not as thin as I was, but I don't think I have changed all that much.  I wonder if I should muster up the courage and ask DH what is wrong with us.  Something deep down inside is telling me not to say a word and to let it go.

Part of me thinks it is about the current state of things.  DH took a pay cut and I can't seem to land the ideal job to remain supermom while helping with the cash flow situation.  Really, could it be that money is the root of our problem?  Or should I think the worst and assume that our marriage is dying.  I do have to admit that there is a major difference in the giddiness of wedded bliss once the honeymoon stage is over.  I just never thought it could feel so....  empty.  DH and I have had our fair share of fights.  Nothing ever serious.  Well, except one time.  It was about two years ago.  DH knew I was not happy.  I knew he was not happy either.  We did talk about that dreaded "D" word... divorce.  He wanted to know why I was so angry all the time.  What he found out after having a long talk was that I was not mad... I was being resentful.  I was painfully jealous that he has remained the child in our marriage.  I took on so much responsibility after DD was born that I felt I was the only one that grew up.  I had expectations that were higher than what he could have imagined of achieving on his dizziest day.  I wanted him to become a parent instead of DD's best friend.  In fact, I needed him to be less of everyone else's best friend and focus on family and me.  Since I really never gave him a chance to try to be a husband and father, I took it upon myself to be the responsible adult for everything.  I think that is where I lost my "inner awesome" that he fell in love with.  But how does one become what they once were if the situation changed?  How can one learn to let go when everything is too important?  How can one trust that everything will be okay if you do let go of the responsibility?  That is a major cross to bear and I know I cannot do that alone.  How can I express my concerns without sounding like I am placing blame on the ones I love?

Knowing that communication is not one of our strong suits I feel that it is best to say nothing and be the silent participant.....

Maybe I can fix this on my own.  Maybe this is something that is just affecting me.  I could be the sensitive one that is expecting more than what is being offered, ya know.