Sigh...

Feeling lost, confused, alone and unloved is an unhealthy way to exist....

Avoiding confrontation is a failed attempt to see a smile come across the face I see in the mirror.  "Just swallow down a little more of the bitter medicine", I tell myself, knowing that every little disappointment is just another dose to take.  Explaining away why things seem so opposite of what they should be.  Chalking up the actions of another as a result of stress or even the inability to keep a dividing wall between work and home.  The feeling of utter loneliness is just from "too many hours being taken up with the demands of work...  He needs his sleep", I remind myself.  The things we had in common seem so insignificant these days, the demands of life is pulling us in directions that we cannot seem to relate anymore...  I, with managing the home, working part time in a salon, and raising our only child.  He, with the demands of work, the stress of making ends meet, and who knows what else.  The similarities really do not mesh all that well anymore, our ability to communicate has been destroyed by the inability to listen.  Silence is all we have to share.  Oh, we do talk from time to time, but it consists of events that our lovely daughter is participating in, if the homework from school (when it is back in session) is complete, the few moments we try to either laugh or irritate each other only offers that we lack the depth to face the challenges together.

Recent attempts of making things seem relaxed or even "normal" for what other families I see do has resulted in what feels like bitter resentment from a man I thought I once knew.  This supportive and jovial man that managed to ease the painful road that I have taken that consisted of poor choices seems so far away.  Those random looks with love in his eyes are long gone.  The soothing words of support have not been spoken.  The gentle touch of his hand that eased my fears has not been felt for so long, I am nearing a point of forgetting it ever happened.  His face and actions seem so strained, the look in his eyes is so distant... so cold.  Try as I must to rekindle what became lost, I see that each attempt is cut short, avoided, and ignored.  "Stop this evil beast that has smothered the love in this man...  Remind him that you love him as often as you can, do everything that you can in your power to make his life at home a happier place.", I tell myself.  "Sacrifice until hit hurts and sacrifice even more.", I remind myself.  "Make him open up and talk, maybe I am not supportive enough.," I say to myself.  All attempts resulted in even more distance and silence.

"Seek out your inner awesome!  You are the one dragging him down.  Try to be more like the woman he met, change your look, change your style, make fun of yourself... maybe, just maybe he will finally come around.", I tell myself in the mirror.  Sadly, I think I am too late.  I try to open a conversation with anything I can think of.  I made everything about him because when I did try to share my feelings, my confidence level gets knocked down another peg.  "Insecure and crazy thinking" is what I get as a response.  I spend a couple of dollars on something that lights up to try to see a glimmer in his eyes gives me a stern talking to that I am spending money that we cannot afford.  My punishment...  A cold shoulder and no assurance that there is still love in his heart for me.  I could say, "I love you", until I am blue in the face and all he chooses to do is walk away or give a shrug with a "uh huh".

Believe me, I can tolerate so much.  In fact, I will deal with feeling less than special in his eyes.  The day came that he started to show his bitterness and selfish side towards our only child.  As I hear her tell her daddy that she loves him before he left for work, and nothing was said in return... tears well up in my eyes because she does not deserve the cold shoulder.  That is to be my burden to carry, not hers.  Anger, fear and sadness runs through my veins.  My scars are deep under my skin, the abuse I receive cannot be seen, the pain can be seen in my eyes.  I am trying to remain hopeful that this recent bout will end.  I cannot hope that everything becomes picture-perfect and all that I dreamed of, but I can hope that it can return to the way things were before.  No, it is not perfect... no, it is not completely blissful... and no, it is not sugary-sweet, but it is what I have become accustomed to.  It is not a grand existence, but at least it is something.  I can be the one that offers all the love to never expect the exact amount back, I can be the one to take all the pressure, I can take the verbal snubbing as long as I can get some reassurance that I am at least loved a little and appreciated just as much.

All it takes is for a few kind words once in a while to wash away the self doubt and fear.  I am not asking for much... just a crumb, a speck, a microbe of consideration towards my feelings.  I promise....