Raw thought....

I have decided to take a look back to who this blogging thing started and realized that I have not even scratched the surface to my story.  There seems to be so much that still has managed to clog my head and I still have not managed to find the right words...  I just seem to still have some strong hold upon keeping myself protected from scrutiny.

I am not sure that I can completely release everything I believe I need to vent.  While I am capable of sharing insight and feelings over things...  I just cannot leap over that hurdle that holds me back.  Actually, I feel like a dog on a short leash.  With a strong determination to let loose and run, but get yanked back as the leash stops further momentum.

I did notice that if I was asked a question, I would give a far funnier retort of an answer from my lips.  My writing is still "raw", yet restrained.  I seem to have the gift of "gab" when the need arises, but if given the opportunity.... I would just rather remain quiet and thoughtful.  Deep thinkers, like myself, enjoy the opportunity to learn as opposed to act.

Some recent events taught me something that I knew was yet another thread in the intricate weaving of the individual tapestry that is.... me.  I am a conundrum of controversial thought.  I appear to lack the ability to let things roll off like water from a duck's back.  I let every experience take it's hold...  A critical thinker that happens to be their own worst critic.  At times, I feel like I am completely unworthy of all that I happen to have...  Never happy with my appearance; I could never be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or even interesting enough....  A wallflower, if you must.  Emotional to the core, jealous at times, and even resentful/remorseful.  The only part of this messed up mess that I see in the mirror being remotely likable is the fact that I am cordial, nice, and accommodating.  I think of others before I think of myself, but still cannot avoid being "played" the fool.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am vulnerable, non-confrontational, and weak.  I am not sure when was the last time I felt free to really let loose.  Well, I have had moments of release happen and it obviously portrayed something completely different than what it truly was.  Somehow, surrounding factors seem to make simpler deductions to my actions.  Apparently, words do not hold the height of regard that they should.  I could see why....  People are capable of lying and being quite convincing that their lies are the truth.  There are far more people seeking out things that only benefit them without regard of the others they used to get them there.  I have tried the honesty route and realized that my truth means nothing to those that receive it.  They prefer to be lied to, I think.

Such is life to teach us feelings.  In order to feel an emotion, you need to expose yourself to the concept....  Love, fear, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and all those feelings come from what life offers us.  To some, sadness is far easier a pill to swallow...  I should know...  I am one of those people.  While I would prefer to be the opposite, I just can't seem to get there.  Probably it is because I never valued myself enough to think I am worthy.  Yes, there are times that I have been happy... really happy, but they are few and far between.  Most of my days are filled with just familiar calm.  Especially when I am alone.  No one to cater to, no one to strive to make happy, and no one to scrutinize me.  I just cannot be everything to everyone.  Nobody can, but I see myself as trying to achieve the impossible....  Basically giving away who I am for another's greater good without regard for myself.  Yet again, returning to feeling not worthy.

What makes me so special to get more?  What makes me special, period.  I just do not see it.  Maybe I have some invisible blinders on that obscure my views regarding myself, but in all honesty....  I really don't care all that much.  I know that my efforts are fruitless.  I gravitate towards selfish people.  Heck, I think I married one.  I just do not know anymore.  As I said...  I think I finally hit the "I do not care" stage of life.  Scarred and broken seems to suit me just fine.  I just need to hone on my acting and lying abilities.  Slapping a smile on my face is the perfect facade to the pain that flows through me.

I have control!!  I can shelter myself from the world, right?  I can change... again.  Can't I?  Do I have enough strength to achieve yet another impossible goal?  I seem to be drawn to the challenging things in life, wouldn't you think?  I have put myself out for the world to see.  I have splayed the truth of raw thought for you to see.  Not all of it is released yet.  There are some things that I will need to confront the journey and I need something that makes me less than transparent to the world... and really....  does anyone really want to know everything?