Everyone knows that words can hurt as much as a slap in the face. Especially when they are aware that you are too weak to fight back......
Feeling raw from a feeling that is so unwelcome in this stage of my life, I had to face the fact that I had two people leave in two days. Yes, one will be back on Sunday, but the other is only going to visit from time to time with large gaps in between. Both people I believe are pivotal in my life, but only one truly understands the way I feel and did what they could to soften the blow. The other? Well, really does not think all that much about my feelings anymore. What really hurts is that the one that took the time and charted a course to soften the blow is the one that is not coming back on Sunday.
As DH went through his mental list of what he needs to take with him on his fishing trip, I was asked to help going through a list I figured he would already have. With his heart issues in mind, I mentioned if he was bringing the blood pressure machine with him since he checks his blood pressure every night before taking his medicines. He tells me that he won't need it because his vacation will be so relaxing that any chance of high blood pressure will be a moot subject. While I tend to agree that his blood pressure will be under control, I figured that when checking his blood pressure has been a habit since his return home from the hospital almost a year ago, I wanted to not sway him to forgetting how far he has come. I actually figured that it was a kind of security blanket in reminding him that he is doing well and going in the right direction. Needless to say, I made the mistake by joking that apparently his blood pressure issues are only prevalent when he is around me and that he was right in deciding to leave that monitoring devise at home. That mistake turned a remotely jovial man that I married into a bitter, harsh word throwing monster that completely forgot to notice that I was going through some detachment issues over my best friend leaving the day before. I have done my best in at least telling him that I am sad over that and trying to regain my bearings. I even mentioned that I would like to fly to Vegas to see my friend some time in the future. By his non-response to that comment.... I think I already have his answer regarding that. He will fight with me if I actually ask again.
I just should have known better than to even mention that I have needs, too. Needs of reassurance that I matter in his life. That I am not just that lump of emotional flesh that he supports and takes care of just about everything in the four walls that we call home. While he offers a sweet "goodbye" to DD before she left for school, I got the cold shoulder of goodbyes when it was just him and I alone in the house. As the bitter side of me starts to rear up to strike, I think it is about time to do something for myself when the time comes. I just seem to be paralyzed over what will happen in its wake when I do decide to not put their needs first. Chances are, I will just keep my head down and continue to battle my internal needs to stay buried inside me.
That once confident woman that DH met and fell in love with is withering away as each year passes. Being treated less and less of a vital part of his life. My ideas are never considered, my feelings holding no weight in his heart, and the extent of my willingness to do more is no longer enough. While there are times that we do get along, it is really only on his terms. He rarely ever asks me anything and when he does????.... My ability to be honest is NOT what he wants to hear. Heck, his outbursts of frustration has DD and I cowering at times. With looking from the outside of all of this through my blogging, I see this as abuse. Mental anguish is not a healthy way to live, but I do see myself being trained to accept it as this is the way it is supposed to be. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.... mental abuse can be just as brutal as physical abuse. There are no marks on the body to see the damage it brings. What keeps me here is love. I do love him, but with outbursts like the one I got before he left.... I now have no fear of dying. My panic attacks are really under control now. What scared me so much that I would hyperventilate to the point of passing out is gone. Well, only that aspect is gone. I have a new fear and that is to be alone. I have friends and I have family, but I have love to offer him and he shuts me out every time I try. I do blame his upbringing. His parents charted the course of what a long standing marriage consists of and he is mirroring that behavior at me. His parents do not have public displays of romantic tendencies and since DH never saw them being romantic at home in front of his siblings.... he sees this as the proper way to be. Only of I knew then what I know now.... I seriously would have rethought my decision to settle down. If things would be this miserable back in the early stage of my marriage, I would have left and never looked back. In fact, looking back.... I had my unhappy moments, but never at this magnitude.
How do we bounce back from this? How do we make it better? Since what he said is the last thing I will hear until he returns, I have time to let the sting of his attitude fade away. Chances are, I will forgive him before he returns because that is what I do. I explain it away and take the blame. I will be more quiet than usual when he does return. I do not want a repeat performance after he had his vacation from the frustration that I apparently create when we are together. See? Taking the blame already. I am getting good at this. Almost 14 years down and who knows how many more years to go.....
Have a great vacation, DH! I'll be here taking care of everything... as usual.....
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