Yesterday's events were not what I asked for, but as the saying goes.... "Stuff happens". With my filter to avoid doing something stupid being broken, I was graced with bitter words thrown at me. While the sting of words can hurt as much as a slap in the face, I accepted an invite of a friend to visit her and just chat. I just needed to leave the house for a while and get my mind wrapped around something else. The visit to my friend was helpful. Just getting a hug and some reassurance that things will get better was the right medicine for me.
When I returned home, there was a couple of messages on the answering machine. One of them was from DH with an apology for his tone towards me before he left for his fishing trip. Still stinging from the earlier events he and I shared, I actually felt better that I was not home to answer the phone. I did appreciate the apology, but questioned the sincerity. Almost 5 hours passed since getting my feelings hurt to get an apology really just does not scream sincerity to me. I always believed that if a person is truly sorry, the apology is almost immediate. Not hours later, but who am I to judge? I have to take into consideration that he needed time to cool off and think about what happened. Also, he called to tell me that he got to the camp site safely. That is something he never does. In the past 15 or so annual "fishing" trips, he never called to let me know he got there safely. Maybe this is a change he decided to take to show that he is thinking of me. HA! Doubtful, but I can at least take it that way and hope for more. I figured that I would at least call him back, but quickly remembered that where he is.... there is really no clear reception for his cell phone. He actually has to wander off to this one little spot to get enough "bars" on his cell to make a call home, and I seriously doubt that he was going to stay in that one little spot waiting for me to call back. Then, I realized that this is a blessing in disguise. With my inability to just shut my mouth when my feelings are hurt, I would say something that would create another fight that I am trying to avoid from happening. I did not bother leaving a message. I am trying to kill the fire of rage that still flickers under the surface. His vacation is what we both need to let the tension to release its grip on both of us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?
I did at least want to say to him that I learned my lesson. I can no longer crack a joke that lacks a quirky punchline. That my sarcasm lacks humor and apparently gets taken literally (at least in his eyes... my friends seem to get it, just not him). Maybe if he sees me trying... he would figure he could try, too. On a brighter note.... I did manage to get my appetite back and ate a full meal without feeling nauseous afterward. That is a step in the right direction, right?
I did manage to open a new book to read and it is very light on the romance. Not as light as I would have hoped for, but a co-worker highly recommended it to get myself out of the false hopes that the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy offered me. I now know why I avoid romance novels (no matter how erotic they make them). It is that false hope that there is someone out there that can fit the bill of what women really want without much effort. Men are wired differently than woman and that is how it should be. I would be intrigued if there was a man to read those type of books and actually see first hand what women look for in a man. Protective, vulnerable, loving to the point that he would leave his comfort zone just to have that special woman in their life, and generous to the point that it could be uncomfortable. The man of most women's dreams has more than sex appeal. It is how they are towards the one they love. While mind-blowing sex would be appreciated, it is not on the top of the list for me. Not sure about other women, but I actually appreciate what is inside the person more than where their talents are. Believe me.... a little consideration, respect, and appreciation goes a long way. Well, that and doing those little things that show that they really love you just because they want to and not because you asked for it. Most of it costs virtually nothing. A little hand-written love note can melt any woman's heart. Seeing love in their eyes when you look into them. Even just holding hands or cuddling can do the trick. I am not one for chocolates and flowers, I really do not need diamonds, and I am pretty easy to please just by being thought of. I am not asking for a jealous and insecure hero, but someone that cherishes me. It is really not all that much to ask, but I do not think I should ask for it. It should be willingly offered because they want to. Isn't that what love consists of? Simple things given freely because they want to instead of be required or asked to. It is really not all that complicated, but it seems that people make it difficult anyway. I know that I offer it freely... Compassion, love, respect and understanding. I offer all that I can in hopes that what I offer is returned in the same way. I have believed that effort is a two-way street. If you offer it freely, you will receive the same in return. Sadly, it is not the case if the other person can't (or won't) even notice it to even try. I have embraced this and I am determined to keep working for it to get better. Marriage, as well as relationships in general, require work. Nothing is meant to be easy. It takes determination to never just give up and I think I have that in me. I just wonder if he has that in him. If he does not and tells me so.... Then when it ends, you can say with your head held up high that you did all that you could and never wonder "what if" at a later date. Isn't that the best closure to have? No doubts whatsoever?
Sigh. I guess only time will tell. I am not going anywhere, anytime soon.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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