Trying to figure the one word that describes how I feel today. Hmmm...Pathetic? Stuck? Hooked? Sick? Sad? Confused? Awestruck? Empty? Angry? Jealous? Hopeful? The choices are endless. While the thought has crossed my mind that I need to read something different to get my head out of the clouds, to stop daydreaming, to stop looking back and comparing things, and to get that darn Christian Grey out of my head. The very, very ending of the final book of the trilogy about Mr. Grey, his conquest for the girl that changes his life as he knew it, managed to deeply turn on something that has been sitting in the dim of my mind. I have all along seen this, but never really sought out full disclosure.
Okay, you are probably wondering what in the heck I am talking about.... Here goes....
As I looked back upon the past relationships of my life, I always wondered what he thought. You know... what affected the men that sought me out, asked me on a date, and if they desired to try to change who they were to remain in my life. As in the series of books most recently read, I always wondered if I was worth the effort. That at the beginning, they altered who they were to get near me (or as I believe is so). It is a known fact that people tend to be slightly different at the beginning of any relationship.... Nicer, courteous, willing to see things in another's eyes, and even try to understand one another's needs. Think about it... the flowers being delivered "just because", the "I miss you" little notes, the grandest of gestures offered without being asked... Even the desire to change their schedule just because they would rather be with you. That bubble of security we get when you see the look in their eyes every time your eyes meet. Those little things that mean so much.
Usually, as time goes on, a secure feeling comes along. No longer are those butterflies that make your stomach feel funny every time you are near... No more tingly feeling when you hear their name.... No more stupid smile to cross your face when something wonderful that happened crosses your mind. We tend to get comfortable and resort back to not thinking so much if the other person's feelings are being fulfilled because you know that they are now a part of you. The conquest to have this person in your life is over. You have them... hook, line and sinker. No longer are you required to put in extra effort to get that person's attention.... You know, the moment that what you worked for is finally able to be claimed as yours.
Here is where my one word comes to mind.... As I have tried feverishly to seek out something else to read because after the experience of a "romance" novel, I get this overwhelming urge to turn my thoughts inward and think about where my life's path has been going. Knowing the obvious that my life lacks that body-tingling, thought-consuming, desired-feeling I had when I was in the throws of being someone's quest. As I looked across the room at DH last night, I wondered what he thought of me. Then I wondered what got him to seek me out of the crowd... what made me so special. Obviously, I could not get much of an answer from him because he fell unconscious in the recliner with the TV on. He obviously has not really been forthcoming of information that supports my curious tendencies. When I do ask (yes, I randomly get the courage to ask him about his feelings), I seem to get nothing more than a snippy remark laden with disinterest. After reading this quasi-fantasy filled with battling emotions and over-thought feelings from one character, the premise seems to blare out that there is a story to be told that has two sides. When that opportunity comes along, the raw emotion offered can send tingles down anyone's spine. It is that reassurance that I seem to seek that what I feel can be conveyed into understanding the shut-off mind of my husband of almost 14 years. As time marched forward from the time we first met, things changed rather quickly. The flowers sent as a "just because" stopped, the personal compliments offered no longer happen, I am not told that I am beautiful anymore. The "I love you" comments I get seem mechanical. The feeling that I am the center of his world is gone. The beginning of our relationship was like a romance novel, albeit more of a comedy, but quickly turned into the sitcom of "married with children", where the husband always has something snippy to say to his wife. The complaints of "ball and chain" seem to come to mind. That look of love or interest in me has been replaced with endless napping on the couch or the desire to not be interrupted while he is watching his favorite TV show (even if he has seen the same episode a half a dozen times). Dating is out of the question. I have not been asked out on a date in years. Going out to eat has been replaced with eating at home in front of the TV. Our conversations are generic and seem to only focus on general topics (like what happened at work or what the weather is going to be). Yet, here I am seeking something that can tell me that my life has potential to mirror in some way of that darn book. Not the kinky stuff, but the deep connection that was portrayed. DH does not have a jealous bone in his body... He is way laid-back.
Now, as I search for a feeling that I have that describes my feelings in one word, I think it is "unfulfilled". While I desire to get my head out of the myriad of feelings that a romance novel, of all things, has given me... I just cannot find anything that sparks my interest to read and move forward. I am too full of raw emotion about love. Maybe jealousy or bitterness that in my reality the raging fire of romance has been diminished into a minuscule flicker from a just-about expired candle. As I know that DH's focus in financially driven, he seems to have forgotten that instilling a sense of love and desire to his wife really does not cost a thing. Just a little effort. Heck, the characters in the book show that. Maybe that is why DH never reads romance novels... or any man that I happen to know. I guess that passing on the "hopeless romantic" type to marry someone that can make me laugh was a hasty decision I need to live with. Hoping for DH to realize that girls (even tomboys like me) have a soft spot for romance is a waste of time and energy. Embracing the cold, hard truth puts a sick feeling in my stomach, but I know that I am strong enough to accept this fate. Time and a different book should push these feelings back into the dim.... Just what to read next is my current hurdle.
Thanks for yet another "flossing moment"... Thanks for reading.... and have a great day.
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