As the saying goes.... nice people finish last. Yep, that characteristic of mine to be considerate of others feelings is costing me.... BIG and I am feeling it. Just downed a couple of Tylenol for my back and planning on calling the Chiropractor later this morning.... All because I am a considerate person.
Battling the worst case of allergies to date results in discomfort that offers no preferred options that I would like. I can either have my eyes and face hurt from swollen sinuses to avoid coughing or take a decongestant to alleviate the pain, but cough from post nasal drip. Either way is not all that desirable. I want freedom from all of this, but as in life, things like this take time. As I chose the latter of the two options, I opted to sleep on the couch because I have strong convictions that disrupting DH's sleep can be more dangerous for him than me. All it takes is for one (or many) nights of poor sleep and mistakes (deadly ones) will happen due to poor judgement or lack of attention to detail. Cars are unforgiving items and do not stop before something bad happens. Proof was "in the pudding" years ago when an employee was not paying attention while working on a car. He had lost the tip (from the first knuckle up) of two fingers on his prominent hand. Since then, he now no longer works on cars, but has been a valuable asset to DH's garage as a service writer.
As I always think of DH and DD first, I tend to let myself pay for my considerate actions. Sleeping on the couch is not good for my back. With the hospital ID still sitting on the end table in the living room as a reminder from the 8 hour battle to get a back spasm from H-E-L-L under control, you would think I'd learn, but alas I haven't. I just could not fathom the chain reaction of poor judgement going farther than me.
How is it possible that I can be so considerate to a fault that the ones around me would allow it to happen? Is it possible that I am weak compared to my family when it comes to needs? Have I actually allowed myself to enable my family so much that consideration for me is no longer thought of? That every sacrifice I made has become more of an expectation than a nice gesture? Have I forgotten that I matter because of it? If so, then why can't I demand some respect or even get an offering of help before things get so bad that it takes a night in the ER for a smidgen of help without asking? As DH is slowly going back to his old habits, of which I knew would happen, I have silently taken on more and more to pick up the slack. In fact, the transition has been happening so seamlessly that it took me a week to notice it. Now since I noticed it... how do I change it? I do not have one vindictive bone in my body to demand for something... anything that benefits only me. Is it possible that the lessons learned as a child... those moral tidbits of being a good person in every aspect of the word... becoming the downside to my well-being? That hard work has its rewards, or taking a walk in someone else's shoes before judging? As I take into consideration that DH works long hours and works very hard for what we have... I have given him the life of luxury at home with zero demands for help... unless it is something I cannot fix on my own. I have learned quite a lot during these past (almost) 14 years of marriage. I know things that my mother has no clue how to handle, nor was she ever required to do so because I took the initiative to do them myself. When it comes to DD and her chores... I just gave up when it came to waiting for her to do as asked. She has a high threshold for procrastination. I lack that ability. DH, on the other hand, is capable, but too tired to attend to what is needed. Even on the weekends he sleeps most of the day away. I attribute that to his week of hard labor.
While I would love more help around the house, I just can't bring myself to ask out of fear to sound like a nag. Nagging has been a one way ticket to endless fighting and I just hate the drama that creates. Of course, add the hard work ethic that has been instilled in me by my parents and I actually feel guilty if I am not pulling my weight around here. Delegating something that I can do sounds like a lazy excuse to get out of getting it done. While the random "thank you" here and there are nice, I just feel that my efforts are under appreciated. Believe me... feeling under appreciated pushes me to do even more and will eventually hurt me physically. Just that consideration to let DH get a good night's rest is being paid in back pain. While I will try to take it easy on myself today, I know that I will end up doing more than I should. Sigh. Yet another thing in my mind that tells me that I either need to bite the bullet and demand more from others that prefer to do less or let the considerate side of me swallow down more than I should be taking. Either choice is not going to give me the result I seek. I just have to figure which is easier to take... Resentment from asking or lack of appreciation for doing it all.
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