Emotional release is something everyone has. It usually is anger or sadness, but there are a few moments where fear can even be strong enough to become a release. I just never thought that what I have been feeling is really any emotion that is run of the mill.
While I am trying to sum up this sick feeling in my stomach as something stemmed from sadness over my best friend moving away. Heck, it has not even been a solid 24 hours since I got the call that she was on the road and heading for Vegas. It is not like we saw each other all the time, but there was a sense of comfort that she was not that far away. I did my crying over the reality that she needed to move away and I have been actually quite calm over this transition (so far). I just cannot get a grasp over where this odd and uncomfortable feeling is stemmed from. It is almost like a mix of various emotions balled up and bouncing around inside me. Sadness over this pivotal change in my life, fear or concern for the safety of another, anger that my most reliable friend is no longer a short drive to see anymore, excitement for my friend's new adventure, anxiety over what is to happen next, and loneliness. It almost feels like I am holding on this feeling for dear life to remain strong. I now know that when a person puts so much of themselves into something, it is painful to let it go. I see that in my friend as well as I see that with my family. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a loving family. I should take comfort in that, but there are just some things that keep me in a comfort zone I appreciated deeper than I thought. It is almost like my childhood security blanket has been ripped from my hands and I am very vulnerable now.
I realized as I watched DH pack up his stuff for his "fishing" trip, there is far too many people leaving me alone and it either increased the strength of my inner turmoil or just made it more noticeable. While I am aware that DH will be back home soon, and my best friend will come back to visit around the holidays... It is just too much in such a short time. While I worry about my friend making a safe journey to Vegas, I now have to worry about DH's road trip for his fishing trip. Regardless of how DH can drive me absolutely batty at times, he is a part of me as well as I am a part of him. The connection that my friend and I have is very similar to my connection to DH.
Reality is just too raw for me right now. I know I am strong and that I can handle this. I need time, but this miserable feeling is making it really hard to let time take it's course. I know that I will immerse myself in tedious stuff to keep my mind busy and keep this uncomfortable feeling at a manageable low. I just wonder if it will be enough to give me the time that I need to get the release I need and to heal from the destruction that this ball of unwelcome feeling spurred energy is going to make. I just never fathomed that this feeling actually repulses the urge to eat. Every time I try... I feel nauseous. This might have an upside regarding my attempts at losing weight, but this is not a healthy way of doing this.
While I like my "alone time", I prefer it to be in short bursts instead of one big block of time all at once. Oh well, I just need to deal and before I know it.... DH will be back home. Then maybe I won't feel so sick to my stomach... or at least less sick to my stomach.... Sigh. Well, have a great day everyone! Time to find my book and drift off into another world other than my own.....
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