There comes a time when a person needs to step back from the course taken and look around. While I know that there are some people that strictly read this blog to read about what is happening in my life and the obstacles that I face, there are some that choose to read what I share because they happen to appreciate seeing a perspective on things that may or may not jive with what they believe. Heck, looking back at what has been the most popular postings over these past six years... yep, I started blogging in November of 2007... there is a pattern of popularity and it usually came from titles that either shocked like the one blog post of "when I worked at a strip club", or the ones that managed to share some very deep thought that rarely ever hit a true positive note. All of the things I have shared over the years are thoughts that happen to flow freely from my mind and my feelings about it. Of course, I did share a short story somewhere in the mix, but mostly I shared the experiences and life lessons learned... my life lessons.
Sure, some of my thoughts were relate-able, others not so much, but there was always a reaction given to me. Some were supportive, others more critical. I have had people suggest to me that I should write a book or an article piece to share with the news media outlets. Yes, I did think about doing just that from time to time. I even considered writing a book, but stopped at the initial thought because with all the books out there and the various genres to consider.... I really had no clue what literary audience I would appeal to or even if I had the talent (or stamina) to write something beyond a few pages. Heck, writing dialect between people/characters has me breaking out in a sweat because I really have no clue how to carry a story beyond the depth of the main character's views. Even the notion of writing anything beyond what I happen to feel makes me question every tap of my fingers on the keyboard.
No, I decided that writing is only a hobby and a release of sorts, but I think I have finally hit a point where I just don't have anything worthy of sharing anymore. That spark of creativity is fading fast. My social abilities have diminished over the years and I just really do not have much to talk about. Pretty much, this blog would become a lather, rinse and repeat with nothing new to share.
With all the drama that happens to find its way to my doorstep, I just really feel tired. My confidence level is shot, my sense of humor is lacking, and my interest in anything beyond just hanging out at my home with yet another book or a handful of beads is taking over. I have become the antisocial butterfly! I could chalk this up as a severe case of the winter blues, but I should just accept that life has knocked me down one too many times and I am just too tired to get back up. The fight in me is gone and there really is nothing anyone can do about that.
I think the last straw was here a month ago. I know that I have disappointed a fair number of friends in my wake as well as family members. The strain in family finances took it's toll and the recent cold shoulder/silent treatment I got from DH placed the final nail in my coffin of reaching out. Believe me, there are plenty of nails in this metaphorical coffin of which I speak of. The loss of clients at my part-time job, the inability to obtain new ones, the endless number of rejections to applications I put out for a job, the multitude of roadblocks that push me further and further in the box of unworthiness, the need for compassion being snubbed out due to stress making it's extended stay at my home, the constant reminder that even if things can be replaced... it comes at a cost, and the constant nagging sensation that I just do not fit in anywhere anymore. Sure, there are people that see the problems that lay before me and seem to always have a solution, but never once has any of these people ever looked beyond the surface to fully understand the whole situation. What they believe is fact and what they say is gospel and when it does not go the way they want it to go.... it is suddenly my fault that I just cannot follow directions. Trust me when I say this.... I DO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS! I have given to the point that there is so little left of me that I have actually dreamed... yes dreamed.... of the day I no longer can be a burden to others ever again.
That finality of life is starting to sound rather comforting to me, but I would never take the fast track to get there. Nope, I have finally embraced that I have been put here to be punished over and over again. I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or strong enough. I will always be lacking and I will be reminded of it often through harsh words or acts of pity from others.
With Christmas behind us and biting the bullet, so to speak, by giving DH his Christmas gift, I got exactly what I thought I was going to get out of it..... The look of disgust, the huff of frustration and 2 more days of the silent treatment to later get an apology with a request to think a little more before doing anything. I offered the out with mentioning that I could return the gift and get the credit put back on the credit card. He, of course, agreed it was best to do just that, so I returned his gift to the store. He did mention that he appreciated the gesture, but we just cannot afford to participate in exchanging gifts between ourselves. The focus was to be on just DD and her young cousins. Well, needless to say... the silent treatment is diminishing and DH has started talking to me again. It feels quite strained and I refuse to rock this boat more off kilter by saying much, but it appears that the storm is finally passing. It took almost a week, but it is finally calming down at least in my house. Now, beyond the four walls of our home is another story. I got into an argument with my mother, disappointed my siblings and created concern long overdue. I did not realize at how well I was hiding the negative stuff happening to me for so long. Now, it appears that my family would be willing to hurt me just a little more by telling me what my next course of actions should be. Heck, my friends have been saying the same thing, but I have never fully explained the reasons for trying to hold on.
Relationships, as well as life, takes effort. Taking the easy way out is only allowing yourself to admit that you lied when making a promise. Sure, promises can be broken, but when a person places so much behind the promise.... You would move Heaven and Earth to try to keep it. Taking what you may believe is the easy way out is truly not all that easy when there are others to consider beyond yourself. There are some very strong people that were able to survive after what is considered easy and was able to move forward rather easily from it. I have a far harder course to take because I am thinking of others more than I am thinking for myself. Call me the sacrificial lamb, but I have given so much that there really is not much left to pull me forward and never look back. I have another person to consider and I cannot, with good conscious, expose them to more strife because I did not plan ahead. Heck, it is not like I never really planned ahead.... I just never thought that my life, as it is, being this much of a challenge to even desire an easy way out. I knew that I would be facing challenges. I knew that there would be bumps in the road along the way, but I never saw what I had coming to me until it did. Hindsight may be 20/20, but I could never fathom something of this magnitude. What is even more unsettling is how things beyond our control taking center stage and creating such devastation in its wake. Heck, this uncontrollable force has affected not just me and my family, but to everyone.
Now, if I really wanted an easy solution... I would have prayed harder to win the lottery. When it was over 400 million, I put a few dollars in to take a chance. In all honesty, I really did not want to win the whole thing. I just wanted to win enough to get our heads above water to breathe and ease the stress of finances, to have a little put aside for the future and to cover DD's college costs. Alas, my prayers did not get answered and I lost my $2. I truly believe that the root of all of our problems stems from money. The black cloud of stress that offers the threat of losing everything we have is what has made things so bad. If we did not have that.... I think we really would be okay. Sadly, the rejections to my applications for work tell me that relief is not coming on the horizon, thus considering taking the easy way out of anything needs to be placed on the back burner for a little longer. Yep, a vicious circle that has no end in sight.
With all of this mentioned, it is painfully obvious to say that I need to walk away from my mental flossing. It is time to put everyone out of their misery in reading about my thoughts. I'll probably keep the blog page going, but I will no longer share my posts on social media if the mood strikes me. Doubtful for any time soon that happening, but I at least wanted to share this one last blog entry. Thanks for reading, thanks for contacting me with your thoughts, and I have only one wish before I sign off.....
May you look at life with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart. While life is a journey taken truly alone, it is the experiences that teach us, and with the open trio (eyes, heart, and mind), there is far more to learn. See life through all the colors available and realize that as there are may colors, there are even more variances to consider. Understanding things is not supposed to be complacency to one view, but to see what others see and consider the many angles of which it can be seen. Perceptions are just one angle to be considered, but question what you see can be uncertain. Suggest when you see a solution, but be reasonable when what you believe to be the answer is not the right one for the situation. Judgement and conclusions made are not always what you believe them to be if you take the time to venture into learning more first. And to truly learn, you need to be open to take ownership of your actions... regardless of the outcome. Take care, be true, and may your lives be blessed with good fortune.
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