There are times when a person ponders their purpose in life. We all know that we have a job to do, we have family and we have friends, but what people tend to think about is the parameters of what those things are to categorize them into their respective groups.... what needs to be done to state that you (or another person) fits that category.
A job is something a person does that results in monetary gains and has a title. A family is a group of people sharing the same DNA, but there are some families that do not through adoption. A friend is a little more complex to describe because of what people consider their individual parameters of what has them see a person as a friend. The deciding factors are endless, but the end result is the same.... mutual respect and appreciation of the person.
While there are some friendships that have expectations to be considered, there are some people that choose to go beyond what is expected with no demands for having the same returned to them. I just happen to believe that friendships are more about the person than what they can do for me. I will admit that I have plenty of friends, but I only have really only one best friend and that person is consistent in going beyond all others without strings attached. I have friends that I can call upon that would have my back if I need it, but only a select few that manage to do that without being asked. I have friends that are considerate of my feelings and try to be as supportive as they can. I also have friends that enjoy having me in their presence from time to time.
While I have plenty of varying degrees for friends in my life, I noticed one thing about me that I felt I needed to share..... I treat all of my friends as best friends. I try to encompass all the aspects of what best friends do (within reason), regardless of the level of friend I happen to be to them and not expect more in return. I have a strong level of respect and love for every person that is in my life and I try to share that with them because I hope that someday the same can be returned to me. I hope, but I do not expect. I do what I can because I choose to and not because it is expected, but in the back of my mind I can only hope that others can offer as freely as I can in return. I know that is really not possible because what I see as what a friend is, obviously is not the same in another's point of view. I do happen to have friends that have expectations that the feel is needed to be met in order to be considered a true friend. While not all their expectations are unreasonable, there are some that cannot always be fulfilled, but they base the level of friendship upon what others do for them. Sad to say that those friends are more like acquaintances than friends, but there you have it.....
While some people can say that they are friends of many, it is a rare thing to see a friend that is willing to take a midnight text or call because someone needs to talk. It is rare to see a friend show up in support in time of need when a family member passes away. It is rare to have a friend that knows they are talked about unfavorably behind their back, but remain friendly towards them. It is rare to have a friend that forgives freely, offers openly, and expects nothing in return. It is a rare gem of a person that can put the past behind them and embrace the here and now to face the future of uncertainty with hope that history does not repeat itself. It is a special person that can continue where they left off with a friend after a long time apart. Time and distance are no longer the parameters of friends and the strength of their friendship. Life can move forward pretty fast, but to be assured that friendships remain is an amazing thing. That lack of fear of being judged while acting silly to get a friend to smile when they are down is a priceless gift to have that never gets rejected. A simple act like a hug is a one size fits all gift we all appreciate. Great friends do not expect to be the center of attention, they just want to share the center of the stage with others. We cannot always be there, but we can at least connect with an e-mail, text or call that we are thinking of them and we are there in spirit.
In a nutshell.... friends are people we share mutual respect for. Recent acknowledgements for what I do for friends is appreciated, but not necessary because I just see it as something that friends do for one another. While most believe that friendships are effortless.... it really does take effort... just nothing beyond what we are capable of doing for ourselves. That is why it feels it is effortless.
Thanks for reading and have a great day! As for me.... I think I need to head off to the library again for some new stuff to read. I have been told that my insatiable need to read romantic comedies lately is because I severely lack it in my real life. With over 70 books read in that genre this summer, I think they are right, but at least I can experience vicariously through the stories and keep me balanced in reality. I wonder when my appetite for that genre of fiction will cease.... it is pretty pathetic if you ask me. Sigh... well enjoy the day everyone!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Breaks my heart.....
There are quite a few things that feel like it literally breaks my heart into small pieces with very little chance of being put back together. It can be a well written story, it can be from something said to me, it can come from the sounds of sadness I hear from someone I care for deeply.... the list is long and there is really no cure to having feelings. It is not in my nature to remain stoic or to mask my feelings. Emotion runs through my veins.
I truly believe that my ability to come apart so easily stems from lacking the necessary control to contain it. In fact, I offer more of myself than needs to be because my level of love for everything is far too strong. It hurts to see that I have no power to fix everything... no matter how hard I try. Life has way too many angles to consider. While feelings are a personal thing, it is the level of consideration of others that make emotions far from solitary. How can a person fix every one else's problems when the first problem is their own? How can someone bring happiness to another when you cannot find your own happiness? How can I be the voice of reason when I lack the ability to reason with myself? How can I set the right example when I constantly choose to do the opposite for myself? How can someone look up to me when all I do is look down upon myself? Contradictions can not offer solid solutions.
The past two weeks have brought on something that I have wanted to share, but seem to be unable to do so. It opens up old wounds, it exposes secrets and memories that need to be locked away well beyond the coffin being lowered into the ground, and sharing these painful things have the ability to create more damage than good. I was never blessed with a perfect life, nor was I ever fortunate to be graced with good fortune. My life, like every one else's, is a thrill ride that rises and falls with sharp turns that instills fear, adrenaline, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and contentment. Unpredictable as life is, we all have a journey to take that offers challenges as well as choices. Our existence hangs on the thread that is connected with the existence of others to thrive. We are truly never alone in this great, big world and we need each other to survive.
What makes the heart break so easily for me is the barriers that I cannot overcome to give a solution. Not everything is as easy as it seems since our lives are intertwined with so many others that surround us. The distance between people is really irrelevant. What is felt is what connects us while what we communicate can possibly push us apart. Expectations and judgement from others is what makes sharing this so hard for me. I really want to see if opening the wounds that have scarred over can release the pain buried deep within, but fear is what holds me back. I feel that I have the lack of strength and conviction to face the judgement of others since I know that I battle passing judgement in my own right. My past is my past. What happened to me is what molded me into the person that I am... the individual that shares my deep thought to the world through release from blogging.
Recent talks with DD opened some old wounds when I was presented a very difficult question to answer. Recent talks with a dear friend going through the same things as I have been going through in a late night/early morning phone call nearly shattered me. Hearing the sadness in their voice, seeing the tears in their eyes, feeling the pain that they share kills me a little each time. Trying to understand why DH acts the way he does towards me that is far from the loving man I married can be maddening, but heartbreaking nonetheless. The tone and affliction in a voice cuts just as deep as the silence when there are no words being shared. I do not expect everyone to be perpetually happy all the time, but my emotions will mirror theirs when I know that there is nothing I can truly do about the situation. Believe me, I fully understand how they feel... I wish my efforts were more helpful and it breaks my heart that it I know that it is not enough. The only reward for my efforts is that if I am successful in helping them, I get to know that my efforts, no matter how insignificant, helped ease them of their pain. I am willing to open old wounds to shed the blood of past memories to help others, but I just can't seem to fully release the whole truth about me for the world to see in order to heal my pain that festers within. Am I a hypocrite? Or a martyr? I want to scream to the world, but I just can't make a sound, and that my friends.... breaks my heart.
I truly believe that my ability to come apart so easily stems from lacking the necessary control to contain it. In fact, I offer more of myself than needs to be because my level of love for everything is far too strong. It hurts to see that I have no power to fix everything... no matter how hard I try. Life has way too many angles to consider. While feelings are a personal thing, it is the level of consideration of others that make emotions far from solitary. How can a person fix every one else's problems when the first problem is their own? How can someone bring happiness to another when you cannot find your own happiness? How can I be the voice of reason when I lack the ability to reason with myself? How can I set the right example when I constantly choose to do the opposite for myself? How can someone look up to me when all I do is look down upon myself? Contradictions can not offer solid solutions.
The past two weeks have brought on something that I have wanted to share, but seem to be unable to do so. It opens up old wounds, it exposes secrets and memories that need to be locked away well beyond the coffin being lowered into the ground, and sharing these painful things have the ability to create more damage than good. I was never blessed with a perfect life, nor was I ever fortunate to be graced with good fortune. My life, like every one else's, is a thrill ride that rises and falls with sharp turns that instills fear, adrenaline, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and contentment. Unpredictable as life is, we all have a journey to take that offers challenges as well as choices. Our existence hangs on the thread that is connected with the existence of others to thrive. We are truly never alone in this great, big world and we need each other to survive.
What makes the heart break so easily for me is the barriers that I cannot overcome to give a solution. Not everything is as easy as it seems since our lives are intertwined with so many others that surround us. The distance between people is really irrelevant. What is felt is what connects us while what we communicate can possibly push us apart. Expectations and judgement from others is what makes sharing this so hard for me. I really want to see if opening the wounds that have scarred over can release the pain buried deep within, but fear is what holds me back. I feel that I have the lack of strength and conviction to face the judgement of others since I know that I battle passing judgement in my own right. My past is my past. What happened to me is what molded me into the person that I am... the individual that shares my deep thought to the world through release from blogging.
Recent talks with DD opened some old wounds when I was presented a very difficult question to answer. Recent talks with a dear friend going through the same things as I have been going through in a late night/early morning phone call nearly shattered me. Hearing the sadness in their voice, seeing the tears in their eyes, feeling the pain that they share kills me a little each time. Trying to understand why DH acts the way he does towards me that is far from the loving man I married can be maddening, but heartbreaking nonetheless. The tone and affliction in a voice cuts just as deep as the silence when there are no words being shared. I do not expect everyone to be perpetually happy all the time, but my emotions will mirror theirs when I know that there is nothing I can truly do about the situation. Believe me, I fully understand how they feel... I wish my efforts were more helpful and it breaks my heart that it I know that it is not enough. The only reward for my efforts is that if I am successful in helping them, I get to know that my efforts, no matter how insignificant, helped ease them of their pain. I am willing to open old wounds to shed the blood of past memories to help others, but I just can't seem to fully release the whole truth about me for the world to see in order to heal my pain that festers within. Am I a hypocrite? Or a martyr? I want to scream to the world, but I just can't make a sound, and that my friends.... breaks my heart.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Remembering my past....
I really do not know why I have this strong feeling to share this, but somehow it has become a topic that I return to quite often lately. Maybe it is because of a chat I had with a person that I knew in my childhood and how their perceptions of what is memorable and what is not really never matched mine. I mean, everyone has a different view of things we remember and it does stem from how we felt about it, right? I guess that is why when I remember things from my childhood, or even remember things that happened last week, it is really just looking back at my feelings about things. Here is an example of what I mean.....
A recent little chat through Facebook from a friend that really was not that close of a friend, brought to light what people choose to remember. This person was someone that I knew, but was never really in that cookie-cutter version of what we perceived as a good friend. We were nice to each other, we talked a little here and there, but it was far from what you would call a good friend. Well, this person started talking about the park that happened to be just a couple of house lengths down from my childhood home. It was a place to play on the equipment or a place to hang out on the bridge that crossed the creek that cut through the area. A small forest spanned along a small stretch of the creek, a steep hill that was perfect for sledding was there (only of you knew how to avoid the trees and knew how to stop before landing in the creek below), and since the creek was shallow enough to have some big rocks scatter across it... it provided yet another way to cross the creek. The underside of the concrete bridge (the only one of the two that were there, but called as it was... a concrete bridge), there was minor graffiti from the local kids underneath as well as a place to hide from passersby. Growing up near a park was not that bad of a place to live. My street ended at the park property, so there was only one way in as there was only one way out. Playing in the street was actually safe and almost encouraged. There were plenty of kids around and there was plenty to do. I rarely stayed indoors, well, that is, unless I was grounded for bad behavior, but the rules were always the same..... be home when the streetlights turned on. We even found where the one streetlight that turned on last was going to be the one we answered to.
While the memories of all the adventures we had as kids around that park sounded wonderful, it is far different when there are memories that were far less than happy passing judgement on the memories we are to have. Those memories were from certain people that managed to inflict emotional sabotage on the young mind. You see, my childhood was not a perpetually happy one. I was a bully's dream of a victim. I never was fully accepted as part of any group. I was nice, I put myself out there to make friends, but I was one to never fit in a clique'. When I was tough, I appeared to be too nice. When I was nice, I appeared to be too needy. When I tried to remain aloof, I appeared to be a loner of mass proportions. My older siblings were nowhere near my age and had no interest in being my friend. I never got advise from them and I was never asked to be a part of anything they were doing. Yep, I was the little sister that needed to GO AWAY. The 8-year gap between my brother and I is a serious indicator that my older sisters (which are older than my older brother), already had a life and had no interest in having their baby sister tag along. I am the youngest of 4 kids and while I looked up to them, there really was no connection. I know that they loved me.... they had to.... I am family, but it does not exactly guarantee I got any mentoring in what life had in store for me. I was left on my own to figure things out. Well, I might have chosen to figure it out on my own, but I do not recall any pep talks when I needed them. Nobody fought the bully that tormented me... I had to do that myself. Nobody tried to stop the neighborhood kids from chasing me down the street and nobody ever asked me how I was feeling. Both my parents worked, so I understood that I could not be the center of attention. There was always too much at the same time as there was too little and no balance. I got attention when I acted up and was ignored when I behaved. While that person remembered the people and good times.... I remembered something completely different.
That is the way life is.... in order to get attention, you have to offer something that demands attention. Heck, I see it now with DD and her behavior towards me, but sadly, it is not as cut-and-dry as I figured. I get attitude when I try to give her attention. DH does the same thing.... either get ignored or get attitude. I am seriously considering that I am the problem and not them. Just that little chat about something as small as the park I grew up near and what people remembered could be a sign of me being the fly in everyone's ointment. I am seeing conditional friendships taking center stage in my life since my best friend (the one that never made our friendship conditional) move away to start a new job and a new adventure in her life. I have become withdrawn and distant. I have reverted back into the friendly loner that shielded me from getting upset that I never really fit in with any group of people. I am nice to everyone, I push myself to fit in with the alpha person of the group, and accept what comes my way like a starved person with a crumb tossed at them. Only one person truly sought out getting to know who I really am and to see her requires a plane ride to see her, but at least I do get to talk to her on the phone. It is just not the same, but it is better than nothing. I just happen to rely more upon escaping through books and keeping to myself.
I am, by no means, seeking sympathy or trying to act like the martyr with today's blog. I just needed to release this revelation that while people from my past remember things differently than I do, it is something that remains within us as we get older. In fact, some things that we learn from our childhood is the catalyst to who we become as adults. Those early friendships form us into the adults we are today if we really put our mind to it, but we also can gather strength to change the way things can go if we were to just go with the flow.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more revelations that I am trying to muster up the courage to share. Have a great day everyone!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Mental flush day.....
Good morning! Way too much swirling around in my head today and it seems like it is the perfect time to flush it out and move forward, so bear with me that this really lacks any sense.....
This past weekend, I was humbled beyond words, angered at something I have no control of, saddened by some of my actions, confused by a couple of things said in my presence, and frustrated with a choice I made, but I did manage to find a little happiness. All in all, a well rounded weekend.
Lets begin with Friday, shall we? Okay, here goes. After some last minute errands for some on-site work for an out of state client I was given, I watched my daughter leave for a sleepover and began what I call my well rounded weekend. I was invited to a birthday gathering and since it is was on a Friday night, I pondered the notion to stay home, but agreed that I needed to get out for a little. Usually Friday nights are impossible for me to go out. DH has his night of decompressing with a few beers with his co-workers and a few friends right after work, while I stay home and take the responsible road to watch our daughter and head off to bed early so I can wake up to my alarm the next morning to go to work. What made this past Saturday different than the others is that I was not going directly into work, but to a hotel to transform someone into the bride she envisioned in pictures with her chosen hairstyle and makeup. Since it was a morning wedding, I had to arrive ready for the task at hand quite early. I have met this woman only a few times and believe me, the first time scared me. She appeared to be the textbook definition of a "Bridezilla"... so tightly wound that I could hear the ear-slipping twang of guitar strings being pulled to the brink of breaking. My zen-like nature kicked in and over the course of just a few more random visits, we became more like old friends than a client and her hairdresser. After performing what some people believe is magic, I was invited to stay the day with her; to be a guest to her morning wedding and afternoon reception. Since it was a relatively light Saturday at the salon for me, I graciously accepted. The wedding was a small and intimate affair, but beautiful nonetheless. The food was great at the reception and when I left, she took the time to personally thank me for being there, hugged me and asked for my phone number so we can keep in touch because she got more out of my working on her hair and makeup.... she got a cherished friendship out of the deal. I was humbled to the point of being speechless.
Okay, I skipped ahead a little, but I can catch up with this..... I know I have good hearing, but I do have the tendency to take what is said and try to figure out what the sentiment meant. Infliction of voice can be deceiving at times. On Friday night, as I was leaving the birthday gathering, I walked past a table of guys enjoying the beers before them and one guy happens to look straight up at me and says one word.... "Damn!" Now, I could take that one word and make it into two totally different feelings. I just cannot decipher which one it is. Could it be a compliment? Or not. If I only stuck around to see if there was anything else this young dude wanted to add to clarify the sentiment, but alas, I had to go home and I am left with the curiosity that remains.... Did he mean "Damn! She is good looking!", or did he mean "Damn! She is one train wreck of a woman!" Either way, I guess I will never know and I will not assume which it is because I see it as I will choose the less than nice comment when it comes to compliments.... I am not all that receptive to them. Well, onward to Saturday's flummoxing moment.... At the wedding reception, I was placed at a table of friends of the bride. Nice bunch of people, if you ask me. We talked about sports, horses (since they are all into riding horses, owning horses, and training horses), and our families. Well, the guy seated next to me offers to get me something from the bar and I asked it that drink could be a diet coke since I did have to return to work for a client that was booked for the end of my day. He returns with my diet coke and says loudly, may I add, "Here, love". I was a little confused to say the least. I never met this person before, in the short time we talked it was clearly understood that we both are married to other people (but attended the festivities alone), and even if it was just a term of endearment that they use in Ohio (from where he is from), I felt a little uncomfortable thinking it could possibly be not a term of endearment. I did not ask for clarifications. I could only say, "thank you".
After returning to work to attend to one more client, I was handed a devastating bit of news. A former co-worker that I have blogged about with her battle with cancer was struck again with the return of the cancer that we thought she had removed and was given a clean bill of health. She is still not fully healed from such an invasive procedure where internal organs were removed, veins and arteries rerouted, and so much more. She had stage 4 abdominal cancer and survived a major surgery to get her clean bill of health and a year to heal, only to have the cancer return in generally the same area. She decided that the return of the cancer is God's plan for her and she is making her final arrangements and already hired hospice to attend to her needs while she waits for her number to be called. I was furious to hear this news! She fought to survive the first time, but is embracing the inevitable now and I am obviously not ready to let her leave my life. I did call her and talked. To hear her be so calm about this definitely shows strength to face something that we really have no control over.... Our mortality. I wish that there was something I can do, but there really is not.
Fast forward to Sunday. DD finally decides to get her weekend homework done. Of course, I did not know what she had to do, but knew she would get it done before Monday rolls around. In a feverishly high whining pitch of her voice, she needs my help. She forgot her history book and cannot figure the answers to her assignment that is due the next day. I recalled at parent orientation, there is a website that has her history book materials on-line, only to find out that it only offers study materials and not the actual book. As DD's voice becomes more grating on my nerves, I send an e-mail to her history teacher, tell DD to turn in what she has done so far, and hope for the best. Come Monday night, well after DD was home for a while, she springs upon me that I have some papers to sign for her science teacher. Knowing fully well that I never sign something without reading it, I ask DD what this is for and she can't seem to explain to me what the teacher said. While the paper was clear with what it was for, I wanted to see if she retained the information, but she instead goes off on some tangent about knowing how to make a paper airplane. My voice got tense, my words were stern and I made my daughter cry. After roughly an hour of talking to her to calm down, she wanted to talk about other topics that scare parents of girls. Obviously, they were concerns to her, too. Once we got an understanding of one another, I apologized for my short temper, signed the necessary stuff for her to return to school, and sent her off to bed for the night.
I still felt awful for making her cry, so I stayed up late to read a book. Yep, a new author, but same genre of chic lit. While there are some parts that made me giggle with the female protagonist's sharp tongue, this book quickly became more of a whining piece of literature that has become painful to read. The bitterness and short-sighted opinions of this character over the fact that her life is no bed of roses is getting a little too much for my liking. Yep, a country music song in book form... all drawn out in details that could have been condensed, but was not. "Good in bed" by Jennifer Weiner is about a 28-year old overweight journalist that gets the short end of the stick. Her parents are divorced, her father denies their existence, her mother comes out of the closet and is now in a lesbian relationship with a chain-smoking emotionally damaged woman 20 years her junior, her boyfriend (I mean ex-boyfriend) took her need for a break from their relationship literally as a solid breakup and lands a job writing a sex column in a cosmo-esque magazine about their relationship, and while trying to win back his love, she gets pregnant with his child while she joined a medically controlled diet program that she gets kicked out of. There are five parts to this book and I am only in part three and skimming parts now. All that self-loathing is getting a bit much. Blaming her father for not loving her, dealing with her mother's new lesbian lifestyle, saddened that her ex-boyfriend has moved on, angered about the publicly told story of their relationship in the light of how it was a challenge to love a large woman, and hating herself for being fat. While I can sympathize with the similarities of the self-loathing, I can understand the frustrations of trying to lose weight, I can relate to the fear of becoming a mother for the first time, and I can definitely feel her pain... I would only hope that something enriching or even soul affirming could take place somewhere in there. It has been nothing but misery, longing and bitterness with no growth potential. This story is dragging and normally I can read through a 360 page book in a day or two. This is taking me far longer to achieve finishing it because it is too painful to read. I think it is time to skim over the rest of this book, read the last 4 or 5 chapters fully and get the closure this book needs. At least, this book alone has broken the feverish pace that I have been reading and is making me return to finding other things to do.
What I did manage to find among the varying emotional roller coaster ride this weekend was a little happiness in the mix. Happiness, you ask? Yep, happiness that I continue to learn a little more about myself through the emotions that present themselves. It is the focus on the little things that put those hidden feelings in the light to be seen and understood.
Thanks for reading and have a great day :)
This past weekend, I was humbled beyond words, angered at something I have no control of, saddened by some of my actions, confused by a couple of things said in my presence, and frustrated with a choice I made, but I did manage to find a little happiness. All in all, a well rounded weekend.
Lets begin with Friday, shall we? Okay, here goes. After some last minute errands for some on-site work for an out of state client I was given, I watched my daughter leave for a sleepover and began what I call my well rounded weekend. I was invited to a birthday gathering and since it is was on a Friday night, I pondered the notion to stay home, but agreed that I needed to get out for a little. Usually Friday nights are impossible for me to go out. DH has his night of decompressing with a few beers with his co-workers and a few friends right after work, while I stay home and take the responsible road to watch our daughter and head off to bed early so I can wake up to my alarm the next morning to go to work. What made this past Saturday different than the others is that I was not going directly into work, but to a hotel to transform someone into the bride she envisioned in pictures with her chosen hairstyle and makeup. Since it was a morning wedding, I had to arrive ready for the task at hand quite early. I have met this woman only a few times and believe me, the first time scared me. She appeared to be the textbook definition of a "Bridezilla"... so tightly wound that I could hear the ear-slipping twang of guitar strings being pulled to the brink of breaking. My zen-like nature kicked in and over the course of just a few more random visits, we became more like old friends than a client and her hairdresser. After performing what some people believe is magic, I was invited to stay the day with her; to be a guest to her morning wedding and afternoon reception. Since it was a relatively light Saturday at the salon for me, I graciously accepted. The wedding was a small and intimate affair, but beautiful nonetheless. The food was great at the reception and when I left, she took the time to personally thank me for being there, hugged me and asked for my phone number so we can keep in touch because she got more out of my working on her hair and makeup.... she got a cherished friendship out of the deal. I was humbled to the point of being speechless.
Okay, I skipped ahead a little, but I can catch up with this..... I know I have good hearing, but I do have the tendency to take what is said and try to figure out what the sentiment meant. Infliction of voice can be deceiving at times. On Friday night, as I was leaving the birthday gathering, I walked past a table of guys enjoying the beers before them and one guy happens to look straight up at me and says one word.... "Damn!" Now, I could take that one word and make it into two totally different feelings. I just cannot decipher which one it is. Could it be a compliment? Or not. If I only stuck around to see if there was anything else this young dude wanted to add to clarify the sentiment, but alas, I had to go home and I am left with the curiosity that remains.... Did he mean "Damn! She is good looking!", or did he mean "Damn! She is one train wreck of a woman!" Either way, I guess I will never know and I will not assume which it is because I see it as I will choose the less than nice comment when it comes to compliments.... I am not all that receptive to them. Well, onward to Saturday's flummoxing moment.... At the wedding reception, I was placed at a table of friends of the bride. Nice bunch of people, if you ask me. We talked about sports, horses (since they are all into riding horses, owning horses, and training horses), and our families. Well, the guy seated next to me offers to get me something from the bar and I asked it that drink could be a diet coke since I did have to return to work for a client that was booked for the end of my day. He returns with my diet coke and says loudly, may I add, "Here, love". I was a little confused to say the least. I never met this person before, in the short time we talked it was clearly understood that we both are married to other people (but attended the festivities alone), and even if it was just a term of endearment that they use in Ohio (from where he is from), I felt a little uncomfortable thinking it could possibly be not a term of endearment. I did not ask for clarifications. I could only say, "thank you".
After returning to work to attend to one more client, I was handed a devastating bit of news. A former co-worker that I have blogged about with her battle with cancer was struck again with the return of the cancer that we thought she had removed and was given a clean bill of health. She is still not fully healed from such an invasive procedure where internal organs were removed, veins and arteries rerouted, and so much more. She had stage 4 abdominal cancer and survived a major surgery to get her clean bill of health and a year to heal, only to have the cancer return in generally the same area. She decided that the return of the cancer is God's plan for her and she is making her final arrangements and already hired hospice to attend to her needs while she waits for her number to be called. I was furious to hear this news! She fought to survive the first time, but is embracing the inevitable now and I am obviously not ready to let her leave my life. I did call her and talked. To hear her be so calm about this definitely shows strength to face something that we really have no control over.... Our mortality. I wish that there was something I can do, but there really is not.
Fast forward to Sunday. DD finally decides to get her weekend homework done. Of course, I did not know what she had to do, but knew she would get it done before Monday rolls around. In a feverishly high whining pitch of her voice, she needs my help. She forgot her history book and cannot figure the answers to her assignment that is due the next day. I recalled at parent orientation, there is a website that has her history book materials on-line, only to find out that it only offers study materials and not the actual book. As DD's voice becomes more grating on my nerves, I send an e-mail to her history teacher, tell DD to turn in what she has done so far, and hope for the best. Come Monday night, well after DD was home for a while, she springs upon me that I have some papers to sign for her science teacher. Knowing fully well that I never sign something without reading it, I ask DD what this is for and she can't seem to explain to me what the teacher said. While the paper was clear with what it was for, I wanted to see if she retained the information, but she instead goes off on some tangent about knowing how to make a paper airplane. My voice got tense, my words were stern and I made my daughter cry. After roughly an hour of talking to her to calm down, she wanted to talk about other topics that scare parents of girls. Obviously, they were concerns to her, too. Once we got an understanding of one another, I apologized for my short temper, signed the necessary stuff for her to return to school, and sent her off to bed for the night.
I still felt awful for making her cry, so I stayed up late to read a book. Yep, a new author, but same genre of chic lit. While there are some parts that made me giggle with the female protagonist's sharp tongue, this book quickly became more of a whining piece of literature that has become painful to read. The bitterness and short-sighted opinions of this character over the fact that her life is no bed of roses is getting a little too much for my liking. Yep, a country music song in book form... all drawn out in details that could have been condensed, but was not. "Good in bed" by Jennifer Weiner is about a 28-year old overweight journalist that gets the short end of the stick. Her parents are divorced, her father denies their existence, her mother comes out of the closet and is now in a lesbian relationship with a chain-smoking emotionally damaged woman 20 years her junior, her boyfriend (I mean ex-boyfriend) took her need for a break from their relationship literally as a solid breakup and lands a job writing a sex column in a cosmo-esque magazine about their relationship, and while trying to win back his love, she gets pregnant with his child while she joined a medically controlled diet program that she gets kicked out of. There are five parts to this book and I am only in part three and skimming parts now. All that self-loathing is getting a bit much. Blaming her father for not loving her, dealing with her mother's new lesbian lifestyle, saddened that her ex-boyfriend has moved on, angered about the publicly told story of their relationship in the light of how it was a challenge to love a large woman, and hating herself for being fat. While I can sympathize with the similarities of the self-loathing, I can understand the frustrations of trying to lose weight, I can relate to the fear of becoming a mother for the first time, and I can definitely feel her pain... I would only hope that something enriching or even soul affirming could take place somewhere in there. It has been nothing but misery, longing and bitterness with no growth potential. This story is dragging and normally I can read through a 360 page book in a day or two. This is taking me far longer to achieve finishing it because it is too painful to read. I think it is time to skim over the rest of this book, read the last 4 or 5 chapters fully and get the closure this book needs. At least, this book alone has broken the feverish pace that I have been reading and is making me return to finding other things to do.
What I did manage to find among the varying emotional roller coaster ride this weekend was a little happiness in the mix. Happiness, you ask? Yep, happiness that I continue to learn a little more about myself through the emotions that present themselves. It is the focus on the little things that put those hidden feelings in the light to be seen and understood.
Thanks for reading and have a great day :)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Rendered speechless....
Have you ever had a moment where you thought too much and spoke too little? I seem to be suffering that moment a lot lately. I am not sure why I am at this crossroads, but it is quite frustrating to say the least. Maybe it is because I somehow became more of a recluse than a social butterfly that spreads their wings, but something has got to give really soon or I fear that I will lose the desire to do much of anything. Some may say I appear to have a guilt-ridden attachment to a solitary lifestyle. I revolve my social lifestyle around my family and place them first instead of myself. In fact, I think I do represent that thought and I have been doing this for years. While I have tried to explain it away, I am still having difficulty understanding why I let my family dictate my every move. Is this a side-effect from loving my family too much or a strong sense of responsibility that borders upon being a control freak? Maybe it is due to the belief that if I do even more for them, I will become a little more appreciated? That appearing to be perfect beyond all expectations (of which I still cannot fully achieve), I will finally feel loved by the ones that hold back way too often? Kind of like a child in a family on the brink of a divorce and thinking, if I try harder they will appreciate me more, if I sacrifice more they will love me more, if I do more they will need me more. Either way, I am interacting less with people and I am getting scared.
It almost brings on the feeling that as long as they are happy, I should be happy, no matter how miserable the journey it is to get them to be happy. I seem to have the mental defect that makes me focus more on the task at hand for others than my own personal comfort. I have a very strong work ethic and there rarely ever has been a complaint about my abilities to get a job done and how much I achieve. I recall working for places where I pushed to do more than anyone else, but still did not get any recognition for my efforts. Only more responsibility placed upon me and less placed upon those that surround me. When it came time for reviews, their expectations got higher and higher for me and lowered for those that worked in the same department. Quite a few places I worked at, I took parts of the workload from other departments, but never got a title of recognition for what I did. One place, I started off as a purchasing assistant and ended up with production assistant, inventory control and administrative assistant jobs added to my workload. There was no change in my title and no raise to compensate for the added workload.... just the added responsibility while those that were responsible for their respective jobs took long breaks and socialized. I worked my tail off for a little respect and recognition and ended up being the mythical little fairy that magically got everything done by the end of the day. Needless to say... I was frustrated. When I quit those jobs, I was rendered speechless in telling them that the way I felt was more overworked and under appreciated and I needed to be somewhere where I felt that I was part of a team instead of being the team. What is quite sad about that is that I still cannot land another office job even after all the knowledge I attained because there is no college degree attached to it.
Career life and family life is supposed to be different. How you treat a co-worker is supposed to be different than how you treat a family member. I always believed that regardless of the fact that I am a housewife and caregiver full time and a hairdresser part time, I handle my responsibilities with the same work ethic, but treat the people in the respective parts of my life accordingly. I treat my family as they are family and I treat my coworkers as respected colleagues. Sadly, only one offers me the respect I deserve and I can tell you it is not at home. In fact, I feel as if I am surrounded by friends when I am at work, but surrounded by scrutinizing eyes with my family. Well, there is only one redeeming thing that happened in the confines of the family home..... It appears that my endless talks with DD are finally setting in. She is finally taking her educational career seriously and shared with me her concerns. To finally be looked upon as a person that where their opinion counts has rendered me speechless, but extremely proud and a little skeptical at the same time. It is the start of the school year and DD usually takes things seriously, but this year she is taking it even more seriously than usual. I am very proud of her. I always have been, but being her confidant placed that pride in an even higher level. I fear that as the school year moves forward, her desire to do well will diminish. I seem to keep reminding myself that she is her father's daughter. She looks a lot like me, but there are some qualities that are strictly his and they are some of the most annoying traits he has. Yes, I love DH, but his emotional warfare makes me not like him all that much. Affection being used as bargaining chips is cruel. His determination to be the one to say the last word is maddening. His argumentative skills are vicious and his debating skills are ruthless. Being stubborn is one thing, but between DH and DD.... they are in a class all their own. I do not stand a chance against them.
The deep thinker that I happen to be has put me at a disadvantage while I watch my daughter spread her wings and find new friends and join more social events. The deep thinker and overachiever is at a disadvantage over DH's ability to ignorance of those around him and his lazy tendencies. I could be wrong, though, when it comes to DH's ability to do even less in this marriage. I could be doing too much, but when I stop to take a break.... he gets upset that things are not done or sounds so disappointed when he does things around the house. I know that I have made things too easy for them because of my work ethic, but how do I change that to make this family unit more of a team than a one person show. I really have not been able to figure that out and I am the deep thinker in this group, darn it! My brain is clogged and my mouth is not working.... I am at a very special level of being rendered speechless.
Thanks for reading and have a great day.
It almost brings on the feeling that as long as they are happy, I should be happy, no matter how miserable the journey it is to get them to be happy. I seem to have the mental defect that makes me focus more on the task at hand for others than my own personal comfort. I have a very strong work ethic and there rarely ever has been a complaint about my abilities to get a job done and how much I achieve. I recall working for places where I pushed to do more than anyone else, but still did not get any recognition for my efforts. Only more responsibility placed upon me and less placed upon those that surround me. When it came time for reviews, their expectations got higher and higher for me and lowered for those that worked in the same department. Quite a few places I worked at, I took parts of the workload from other departments, but never got a title of recognition for what I did. One place, I started off as a purchasing assistant and ended up with production assistant, inventory control and administrative assistant jobs added to my workload. There was no change in my title and no raise to compensate for the added workload.... just the added responsibility while those that were responsible for their respective jobs took long breaks and socialized. I worked my tail off for a little respect and recognition and ended up being the mythical little fairy that magically got everything done by the end of the day. Needless to say... I was frustrated. When I quit those jobs, I was rendered speechless in telling them that the way I felt was more overworked and under appreciated and I needed to be somewhere where I felt that I was part of a team instead of being the team. What is quite sad about that is that I still cannot land another office job even after all the knowledge I attained because there is no college degree attached to it.
Career life and family life is supposed to be different. How you treat a co-worker is supposed to be different than how you treat a family member. I always believed that regardless of the fact that I am a housewife and caregiver full time and a hairdresser part time, I handle my responsibilities with the same work ethic, but treat the people in the respective parts of my life accordingly. I treat my family as they are family and I treat my coworkers as respected colleagues. Sadly, only one offers me the respect I deserve and I can tell you it is not at home. In fact, I feel as if I am surrounded by friends when I am at work, but surrounded by scrutinizing eyes with my family. Well, there is only one redeeming thing that happened in the confines of the family home..... It appears that my endless talks with DD are finally setting in. She is finally taking her educational career seriously and shared with me her concerns. To finally be looked upon as a person that where their opinion counts has rendered me speechless, but extremely proud and a little skeptical at the same time. It is the start of the school year and DD usually takes things seriously, but this year she is taking it even more seriously than usual. I am very proud of her. I always have been, but being her confidant placed that pride in an even higher level. I fear that as the school year moves forward, her desire to do well will diminish. I seem to keep reminding myself that she is her father's daughter. She looks a lot like me, but there are some qualities that are strictly his and they are some of the most annoying traits he has. Yes, I love DH, but his emotional warfare makes me not like him all that much. Affection being used as bargaining chips is cruel. His determination to be the one to say the last word is maddening. His argumentative skills are vicious and his debating skills are ruthless. Being stubborn is one thing, but between DH and DD.... they are in a class all their own. I do not stand a chance against them.
The deep thinker that I happen to be has put me at a disadvantage while I watch my daughter spread her wings and find new friends and join more social events. The deep thinker and overachiever is at a disadvantage over DH's ability to ignorance of those around him and his lazy tendencies. I could be wrong, though, when it comes to DH's ability to do even less in this marriage. I could be doing too much, but when I stop to take a break.... he gets upset that things are not done or sounds so disappointed when he does things around the house. I know that I have made things too easy for them because of my work ethic, but how do I change that to make this family unit more of a team than a one person show. I really have not been able to figure that out and I am the deep thinker in this group, darn it! My brain is clogged and my mouth is not working.... I am at a very special level of being rendered speechless.
Thanks for reading and have a great day.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Emotion behind the written word....
I have come to the conclusion that I seriously lack the necessary writing ability to work my way out of a wet paper bag with a huge hole in it. Either that, or I have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon; too sensitive for my own good. A book that I recently read encompassed just about every emotion that I have contained in me. I laughed, I reflected and I cried so hard that the view from behind my glasses appeared to look like I was reading under water. Either this author truly experienced fear and disappointment like I have or she knew what words to string together to bring on to make it crystal clear. She had no fear in sharing the result of change so beautifully that I am still trying to get over my emotional reaction to it. Really, I am blown away that this fiction writer could make her story so believable in my eyes. Knowing that it is fiction, I can only hope that there is a ring of truth to it and that it is possible to happen in real life.... my life.
Believe me, it is far easier to show infliction through acting and the use of the voice, but it is a rare gem to feel emotion from reading the written word. Unless, personal experience was the catalyst. Yes, we have heard stories of feeling inadequate and stories of experiencing an emotion that felt alien at first to later learn what that feeling truly is. Yes, we all have our own defense mechanisms that are personally tailored to our individuality that we believe protects us from emotional pain. I even truly believe that we all have the sensitivity to see pain in another's eyes and even manage to muster the courage to do something about it. People are wired to understand emotion, to feel it, and to care for one another. While there is still negative emotion out there (hate, distrust, anger, sadness/depression, frustration, and failure/loss), there is also the ability to not just acknowledge the emotion, but we have the means to do something about it. It is the choices we make to decide what we want to do about it. We can do something or we can do nothing, but the decision is based upon what we feel is best for the situation.
What makes it hard to achieve the goal to improve something is when there is resistance to the attempts being made. People are naturally reactive to fear. Fear of the unknown result of the actions. As people ponder the notion if their actions are going to be received openly, fear has the ability to strangle the courage to actually try and accept the consequences returned to them. Falling in love has no guarantees that what you give freely will be returned just as freely. Rejection of feelings is the hardest obstacle to overcome, thus making it the elusive task that people fear to truly embrace. Usually, once there is love between two people, it should be easily maintained, but alas, it takes even more work to keep it alive. Love alone is not enough for people. It takes trust and understanding of needs.... it demands respect and acceptance. Love is a general term because love encompasses so many things. It encompasses people, places and things. The depth of compassion varies. I love my family and my friends, but it is not a guarantee that I am loved the same way in return. Yes, these people happen to care and they matter to me deeply, but it is not the fulfilling level of love that one person seeks to truly feel what honest, carnal love is capable of offering. Call it a soul mate, a kindred and cosmic connection, but it is that kind of love that everyone strives for. That one true love that fills us with feelings that are hard to describe. That kind of love that encompasses all the positive feelings that we strive to have in our lives. That feeling of being free from fear that strangles us to truly embrace the happiness within. To know that regardless what life throws at us, there is someone that stands behind us to catch us if we are to fall, to stand beside us so we never feel alone, and to stand in front of us to protect us from the slings and arrows that life will always threaten us. Pretty tall order, but so easy to do as long as the actions and feeling are returned at the same caliber.
I have never asked for someone to carry me through life. There is a carnal necessity to be self-sufficient, independent and strong. I am required to love myself in order to know how to love someone else. My happiness is in my grasp and as long as I seek it, I will find it. Failure is success being put to the test. As long as I keep trying, I truly never have failed. It saddens me that there are people that refuse to think beyond their own needs. It is those that have emotional greed and the inability to give in return that makes life difficult. Where do they get off thinking that the feelings of others holds no validity? It is truly the need to feast upon the goodwill of others a good thing? I think not! The most humbling thing to experience is seeing the efforts of another to right a wrong that they have created.... to take a bad situation and make it better.
I just need to give kudos to this author and all authors out there that can bring on emotion through their writing. If I had a smidgen of your talent.... the sky is the limit. Thank you for being able to tap into emotions that offer deep feeling as well as teach us.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
Believe me, it is far easier to show infliction through acting and the use of the voice, but it is a rare gem to feel emotion from reading the written word. Unless, personal experience was the catalyst. Yes, we have heard stories of feeling inadequate and stories of experiencing an emotion that felt alien at first to later learn what that feeling truly is. Yes, we all have our own defense mechanisms that are personally tailored to our individuality that we believe protects us from emotional pain. I even truly believe that we all have the sensitivity to see pain in another's eyes and even manage to muster the courage to do something about it. People are wired to understand emotion, to feel it, and to care for one another. While there is still negative emotion out there (hate, distrust, anger, sadness/depression, frustration, and failure/loss), there is also the ability to not just acknowledge the emotion, but we have the means to do something about it. It is the choices we make to decide what we want to do about it. We can do something or we can do nothing, but the decision is based upon what we feel is best for the situation.
What makes it hard to achieve the goal to improve something is when there is resistance to the attempts being made. People are naturally reactive to fear. Fear of the unknown result of the actions. As people ponder the notion if their actions are going to be received openly, fear has the ability to strangle the courage to actually try and accept the consequences returned to them. Falling in love has no guarantees that what you give freely will be returned just as freely. Rejection of feelings is the hardest obstacle to overcome, thus making it the elusive task that people fear to truly embrace. Usually, once there is love between two people, it should be easily maintained, but alas, it takes even more work to keep it alive. Love alone is not enough for people. It takes trust and understanding of needs.... it demands respect and acceptance. Love is a general term because love encompasses so many things. It encompasses people, places and things. The depth of compassion varies. I love my family and my friends, but it is not a guarantee that I am loved the same way in return. Yes, these people happen to care and they matter to me deeply, but it is not the fulfilling level of love that one person seeks to truly feel what honest, carnal love is capable of offering. Call it a soul mate, a kindred and cosmic connection, but it is that kind of love that everyone strives for. That one true love that fills us with feelings that are hard to describe. That kind of love that encompasses all the positive feelings that we strive to have in our lives. That feeling of being free from fear that strangles us to truly embrace the happiness within. To know that regardless what life throws at us, there is someone that stands behind us to catch us if we are to fall, to stand beside us so we never feel alone, and to stand in front of us to protect us from the slings and arrows that life will always threaten us. Pretty tall order, but so easy to do as long as the actions and feeling are returned at the same caliber.
I have never asked for someone to carry me through life. There is a carnal necessity to be self-sufficient, independent and strong. I am required to love myself in order to know how to love someone else. My happiness is in my grasp and as long as I seek it, I will find it. Failure is success being put to the test. As long as I keep trying, I truly never have failed. It saddens me that there are people that refuse to think beyond their own needs. It is those that have emotional greed and the inability to give in return that makes life difficult. Where do they get off thinking that the feelings of others holds no validity? It is truly the need to feast upon the goodwill of others a good thing? I think not! The most humbling thing to experience is seeing the efforts of another to right a wrong that they have created.... to take a bad situation and make it better.
I just need to give kudos to this author and all authors out there that can bring on emotion through their writing. If I had a smidgen of your talent.... the sky is the limit. Thank you for being able to tap into emotions that offer deep feeling as well as teach us.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Hanging in there.....
Being married for 14 years should be congratulated. Especially when it has been as difficult as it has been for me. Well, it has not always been miserable, but I will admit that there has been a lot of effort on my part to keep things going somewhat smoothly. There has been a lot of sacrifice made on my part and a little sacrifice on his. I figured that all marriages take effort, just like any relationship a couple has. I was just not prepared to accept that when I married my best friend that I married a person incapable of depth beyond the stage of the relationship when the courtship ends. Meaning, that pivotal moment when the effort to snare the attention of a mate stops and you see the true person for who they are. I was just smitten beyond the normal realm to convince myself that once this relationship went to the next level (aka marriage), that I ended up being the one to conform alone, accept and embrace the lacking I got. No matter how much I try to figure things out, I know that change will never happen as long as there is the lack of desire to change. Out of the kindness of my heart and the determination to put in 110% in this marriage, I have enabled disrespect and lack of effort from my family. I fear that it is too late to fix this problem since it has been going on for roughly the whole time I have been married. I sometimes wonder if marrying my best friend was an err in marital judgement. Well, I wonder more now than back when being married was new....
My futile attempts to shedding light on those minuscule, but important things have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes. Seeing that my needs will not be met unless they are offered as bargaining chips to make me do things that I am not up to doing is no way to see that this union as anything less than a poor business merger. Living vicariously through romance novels to fill in the void where my life seems to be lacking is really no way to live, but after DD was born.... I now have others to consider first. I understand the meaning of needs and fulfilling them takes effort. Every decision I make no longer affects just me anymore... it affects a very innocent person that did not ask to be put in this situation. I know that I am stronger by holding my resolve to keep trying. I am setting the example that success is not handed on a silver platter and that a failure is not necessarily a true failure if you keep trying... no matter what. While I have been told by many to seek my own happiness and let everything and everybody else deal with the consequences, I just do not have a vindictive bone in my body to never consider those closest to me first. Life is a challenge and as long as nobody is getting physically hurt... you can only grow in character strength with the less than desirable events happening around you.
While I know that walking away is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a sign of incredible strength, there is just a point in life that you need to face your choices and do the best that you can with them. We all have choices in life. Go this way or that; stay or go; fight or adapt... we base our choices on what we feel is best for ourselves and what we believe we can endure. While some choices made are really good ones, we have an equal amount of poor choices we have made. It is what balances us as well as teaches us along the way. If you ever chose to put your hand on a hot stove burner and got burnt, you learned that it was an undesirable experience and you know better to never do that again. Same goes for something that was positive in your life that you experienced. It is far easier to repeat good events than poor ones. The difference is... we have to experience it first to make the assessment if it is good or bad. Knowledge is key. Making rash decisions does not guarantee that you will get good results. I have never been a risk taker, nor am I to dabble in testing the waters elsewhere. At this stage in my life, I am more prone to fully examine the pros and cons of a decision I am about to make. Sadly, it does not happen quickly, for as you can see I still have hope that undesirable things can turn around for the better. I know that I am probably missing out on some really great opportunities, but I am very uncertain when it comes to the risk of regret. In my youth, I was more of a fast thinker and decision maker. If I was not happy with something, I would change my course without much planning. It was only me that I was thinking about. Now I have others to consider.
As amazed as I am that I have made it this far in my marriage, I am starting to lose my grip in holding onto hope that better things are to happen. I am hanging in there because I am scared. I am not afraid of being alone, if that is what you are thinking. I am afraid that making a big decision that affects more than me will become more devastating to those around me. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I cannot make things change for the better in my eyes. I can scream and fight, but I lack the skills to present a strong argument to get the help or respect I desire. Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, I just do not like what he does to me. Maybe his ignorance to my feelings is something he does not see being that hurtful. Maybe his inability to connect with me is his way of respecting me and my needs. Maybe his lack of communication skills is his way of keeping things together for us. Maybe his very random outbursts of anger and resentment towards me is his way of coping with stress outside of our union. While verbal abuse can be as brutal as physical, it is quite possible that he sees this as a better choice to dealing with things than to actually hit the person he loves. There are times he just decides to say absolutely nothing to me for days instead of leaving a visual mark on me. I can only guess that he feels that I am strong enough to take harsh words than find ways to heal broken bones or hide bruises for others to see. While I cannot understand his reasons for what he does and does not do, I can only assume that there is love there for me. Just not enough for me to feel actual love. Every individual is different. I need to remind myself that what one sees as one thing is not necessarily seen the same way by another.
While I blog my feelings and thoughts as my release and to share to others that I could possibly relate to what they are experiencing, I can only hope that what I share sheds light that nobody is truly alone in this world. We are all hanging on to what life offers through our choices. Good, bad, or indifferent, our journey is never a boring one. So, in closing... I would like to wish a happy anniversary, DH, we made it this far.... How much farther will we go? I do not know, but 14 years is a long time.....
Thanks for reading and have a great day. As for me.... I have the house to myself while DH is at work, DD is at school, and nothing special has been planned. 14 years is not really a benchmark year to speak of, so it is just another ordinary day for us.
My futile attempts to shedding light on those minuscule, but important things have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes. Seeing that my needs will not be met unless they are offered as bargaining chips to make me do things that I am not up to doing is no way to see that this union as anything less than a poor business merger. Living vicariously through romance novels to fill in the void where my life seems to be lacking is really no way to live, but after DD was born.... I now have others to consider first. I understand the meaning of needs and fulfilling them takes effort. Every decision I make no longer affects just me anymore... it affects a very innocent person that did not ask to be put in this situation. I know that I am stronger by holding my resolve to keep trying. I am setting the example that success is not handed on a silver platter and that a failure is not necessarily a true failure if you keep trying... no matter what. While I have been told by many to seek my own happiness and let everything and everybody else deal with the consequences, I just do not have a vindictive bone in my body to never consider those closest to me first. Life is a challenge and as long as nobody is getting physically hurt... you can only grow in character strength with the less than desirable events happening around you.
While I know that walking away is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a sign of incredible strength, there is just a point in life that you need to face your choices and do the best that you can with them. We all have choices in life. Go this way or that; stay or go; fight or adapt... we base our choices on what we feel is best for ourselves and what we believe we can endure. While some choices made are really good ones, we have an equal amount of poor choices we have made. It is what balances us as well as teaches us along the way. If you ever chose to put your hand on a hot stove burner and got burnt, you learned that it was an undesirable experience and you know better to never do that again. Same goes for something that was positive in your life that you experienced. It is far easier to repeat good events than poor ones. The difference is... we have to experience it first to make the assessment if it is good or bad. Knowledge is key. Making rash decisions does not guarantee that you will get good results. I have never been a risk taker, nor am I to dabble in testing the waters elsewhere. At this stage in my life, I am more prone to fully examine the pros and cons of a decision I am about to make. Sadly, it does not happen quickly, for as you can see I still have hope that undesirable things can turn around for the better. I know that I am probably missing out on some really great opportunities, but I am very uncertain when it comes to the risk of regret. In my youth, I was more of a fast thinker and decision maker. If I was not happy with something, I would change my course without much planning. It was only me that I was thinking about. Now I have others to consider.
As amazed as I am that I have made it this far in my marriage, I am starting to lose my grip in holding onto hope that better things are to happen. I am hanging in there because I am scared. I am not afraid of being alone, if that is what you are thinking. I am afraid that making a big decision that affects more than me will become more devastating to those around me. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I cannot make things change for the better in my eyes. I can scream and fight, but I lack the skills to present a strong argument to get the help or respect I desire. Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, I just do not like what he does to me. Maybe his ignorance to my feelings is something he does not see being that hurtful. Maybe his inability to connect with me is his way of respecting me and my needs. Maybe his lack of communication skills is his way of keeping things together for us. Maybe his very random outbursts of anger and resentment towards me is his way of coping with stress outside of our union. While verbal abuse can be as brutal as physical, it is quite possible that he sees this as a better choice to dealing with things than to actually hit the person he loves. There are times he just decides to say absolutely nothing to me for days instead of leaving a visual mark on me. I can only guess that he feels that I am strong enough to take harsh words than find ways to heal broken bones or hide bruises for others to see. While I cannot understand his reasons for what he does and does not do, I can only assume that there is love there for me. Just not enough for me to feel actual love. Every individual is different. I need to remind myself that what one sees as one thing is not necessarily seen the same way by another.
While I blog my feelings and thoughts as my release and to share to others that I could possibly relate to what they are experiencing, I can only hope that what I share sheds light that nobody is truly alone in this world. We are all hanging on to what life offers through our choices. Good, bad, or indifferent, our journey is never a boring one. So, in closing... I would like to wish a happy anniversary, DH, we made it this far.... How much farther will we go? I do not know, but 14 years is a long time.....
Thanks for reading and have a great day. As for me.... I have the house to myself while DH is at work, DD is at school, and nothing special has been planned. 14 years is not really a benchmark year to speak of, so it is just another ordinary day for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)