The fragility of life.....

I know, as well as countless others, that life is a gamble.  A risk usually willingly taken by choice, with hopes that the outcome is favorable.  We are aware that when it comes to risk factors....  it really is a 50/50 chance.  Regardless of the true risk factors because we are cautionary people...  even in the most dangerous of times.  The reason behind the natural instinct to be cautious?  The true fear of an untimely death.

It is common knowledge that we are all destined to die at some point in our lives.  Some far sooner than others, but it is destined to happen.  While most of us like to believe that our life expectancy is determined by a higher power, there is a small number that make that decision all on our own.  Does this make acceptance of death any easier to take?  No.

I guess the reason I am sharing this morbid thought today is because I lost another person from my life.

Just yesterday, I got the news that another neighbor of mine has passed away.  Of course, it was a total shock at how this came about because this person's death happened because of an injury that could have been avoided.

I am the type of person that once you become my friend.... you are a true friend.  Sure, we all have different levels of friends and friendships that range from acquaintance to sibling-from-another-family-best friend.  I just happen to see this pool of friends more as a thread in the tapestry of my life and every thread is important to me.  All appreciated... all revered...

Well, this neighbor/friend of mine was a 86 year old gem.  He was the kindest and most generous person I had the pleasure of meeting in my journey of life.  Of course, the how I got to know this person (and his wife) was through their pet.  Yep, a dog lover at heart always seems to connect with other dog lovers far easier than others.  This true gentleman always had a smile upon his face and always kind words coming from his mouth.  Heck, I saw him as a perpetual ray of sunshine.  A stubborn and determined to remain active ray of sunshine.  I recall times in the winter, this man walking his dog down my sidewalk to stop by, hand me the leash and grab my shovel to help me clear my driveway while I got to be greeted with "puppy happiness" in my day.  It always ended up with me taking my shovel back from him to tell him it is not necessary to do my job, but he would give me that look that told me that I was not to do a man's job.  Yep, a true gentleman.  Albeit a bit old-fashioned, but a true gentleman.  He reminded me of my dad.  With my dad being gone for almost 13 years....  this man with his old-fashioned gentlemanly ways reminded me that even though he was gone... he would never be forgotten.

Knowing the stubborn streak this gem of a neighbor was, I should not be surprised that he would do as he pleased and would get himself hurt, but it did anyway.  His wife demanded that he should not go on the roof to clean the gutters of the fallen leaves.  She was arranging for one of their kids to handle this, or even considering calling a service to handle it for them.  Climbing on to the roof is a serious risk that should not be taken by the likes of an 86 year old man.  His stubbornness and determination came at a price because he decided to climb on the roof while his wife went to the grocery store.  With their house being down the block from my house, I could not see him climb onto the roof, nor did I see him fall off the roof... nobody did. But I did see the paramedics come screaming down my street when his wife came home to blood on her front porch step and the ladder laying on the ground.  Somehow, her husband, in shock apparently, got himself into the house and up the stairs and into bed.  He even took off his shoes at the door and hung his coat on the chair.  I learned that he lost all speech capabilities and was falling unconscious when his wife found him.  A severe head injury, a broken hip, a broken wrist, and a broken leg is what happened upon impact.  Internal bleeding on the brain is what did him in.  He did not make it through the night.

If he would have listened to his wife and avoided going on the roof, chances are he would still be here with us today...  spreading his kindness, positive attitude, and being the reminder that true gentlemen still exist.

Heck, just thinking of the risk for cleaning gutters makes me shiver.  That is one thing I will not do here at my own home.  DH handles that task and I now have even more reason to be fearful.  We are not getting any younger and even though the odds are always a true 50/50....  I see this as a risk that nobody should take.  There needs to be some sort of safety measure in place, but even with safety measures.... the risk is still a true 50/50.  I know I am not willing to take it, but others are.  All I know is that if it is my time to pass....  I want it to be peaceful and in my sleep because my gentle neighbor's way was filled with fear and pain.  Falling from a roof for Pete's sake!!!  I feel sick just thinking about it.  It also reminds me the fragility of life as well as the uncertainty of how much time we really have.

Be safe, friends, and have a great day.

An update for those that are curious.....

Well, it appears that my efforts actually achieved something!!!!

Here is what I managed to learn.....

When I got up Saturday morning, I put DH's note with the tickets and gift card on the coffee maker and was just about ready to leave for the day.  I was super excited for what I did manage to accomplish without ruining the surprise, but I could not wait any longer.  I accidentally "spilled the beans" that there was a surprise waiting to be seen, waiting for DH when I went to tell him I was leaving for work.  HEY!  It was a major accomplishment on my part that I did not tell him about these plans I made for them when I got everything together days ago, so there!  Growth on my part!

Well, the excitement I thought was going to happen over this little planned adventure did not arrive when DH went to look at the packet I left for him.  His first comment was how doing something like this was ruining his plans to cleaning up leaves for the day.  Really?????  Cleaning up leaves on a windy way was taking a more important role than spending quality time with his daughter?????

I was not pleased, to say the least, when I heard his reluctance to going anywhere other than the yard that surrounds our home.  I put my anger aside and stated the importance of this little trip.  With fingers crossed and hope in my heart, I urged DH to at least try and left for work.

All throughout the day at my job, I was thinking about the distinct possibility that DH could easily disappoint DD yet again.  You see, she already knew my plans and was excited to take this little adventure.  If she had her heart broken..... well, I do not know what I would do, but I assure you all.... it would be something and probably something not very nice.  With renewed hope and belief that DH would not let DD down, I made it through my day at the salon.

Tired and sore from a day that had me bouncing from one end of the salon to the other, I made it home to make dinner.  Dishes from the previous night not washed were still sitting in the sink, but I did not get upset.  I needed to know if DH did what I asked him to do.  Then......

DD comes up to me and in an excited way starts to share with me all the fun she had with her father.  Heck, she could not wait for dinner to be done and on the table to start talking about their day and what fun it was.  That plan of sharing our day over dinner apparently was not soon enough for my darling daughter.  She needed to share her feelings right away!  I was relieved, to say the least, that my plans worked without any problems.  In fact, I learned that DH put his most charming foot forward and that made me smile.  They even took the time to walk the mall, talk and just look at stuff together.  They even talked over lunch and talked the whole way home.  I was thrilled!  Then, of course, I did feel a little bad for DH at first.  He had a hangover to deal with, but not so guilty that he had to listen to his teenage daughter talk his ear off.  Paybacks are fair game in my book.  I warned him that being a parent will take patience.  Heck, I told him that being a parent is more than just financial backing.  It takes spending time awake, alert, and ready for just about anything.

After the roar of excitement was finally dying down, I even heard something that I rarely ever hear from DH....  An honest sign of appreciation with a "Thanks" attached.  Really??  A thanks for planning something fun for their day??  A mention that they even managed to have some fun in the process?  Heck, even the "words of wisdom" that he passed on to our daughter over the hype of a smart phone.  Who knew he had it in him to say that a smart phone is not all that smart.  It is really about the person who uses the phone that makes it smart and regardless of what her friends taunt her about with not owning a smart phone...  she has the smartest phone around.  Definitely a tug of the heart springs, if you ask me.....

With the success of this little adventure, I finally now see the potential of a great father/daughter relationship.  In fact, these tow are getting along a lot better over this past week and I look forward to more growth for the both of them.  I just have to keep reinforcing everything and maybe I can rest at night knowing that they finally get it..... Family is important.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Hoping and praying this goes right....

Good morning!  I am putting the finishing touches on the father/daughter adventure I have planned for DH and DD.  If you have not read my previous blog entry, here is the Cliff's Notes version....

Got a call from DD's school with yet another mention that DD scored high on the test to determine if you suffer from depression.  Isn't that great?  She did not even study for that one and got high marks!  (Obviously said in sarcasm, if you did not get that... I gotta be really clear with what I share with these days, so there is zero misunderstanding)  After having a long conversation with the school counselor and pointed out some seriously obvious signs that this screening system is totally bunk, I either had an epiphany or a mental snap once I hung up the phone.  I made the decision that I needed to fully reinforce the June Cleaver/Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, and Ozzie and Harriet Show card....  Changes needed to be made at home to reflect a more classic family persona with family dinners at the table with all family members present as well as making it mandatory that DH and DD share at least one father/daughter adventure in order to bond.  You see, DH prefers to treat DD more like a younger sibling with teasing and whatnot when he should be acting like her father.  Who knows, this childish behavior is probably his way of showing affection towards DD and I, but I have had my fill of being the only adult in this house and I decided change is in order once I hung up the phone.

I had a talk with DH (a really harsh one about his behavior, basically reprimanding him like he is a child) and laid out my plan of action.  Then, I had a long talk with DD about her behavior towards her father, as well as her behavior around me, and laid out the plan of action to her.  There were to be no distractions during family meals, all meals are at the dining room table, and WE WERE TO TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!

Well, the dinner thing/check your attitude plan was part one of the changes that were to happen in our home.  The second part is improving the father/daughter bond.

Ever since DD was born, in fact, even before I married DH, I felt it was a reasonable thing to let DH decompress with friends at least once a week.  Of course, before DH's little health scare, he took advantage of that by making it a daily thing and allow him to sleep the fun off over the weekend.  Once he had his health scare, he scaled back the number of times he had a beer with his friends to only one night a week and that has been Friday nights.  So far, so good, he has held that tradition, sadly with an iron fist, but he definitely dialed it back and I am happy for that.  Rome was not built in a day and neither is changing a habit.  Well, after DD was born, I decided to go back to work, part time, in a salon, just so I can keep my wits about me.  I was at a point where I could understand baby babble better than actual speaking the English language and that was scaring me.  Of course, this plan was not made without a secondary plan...  I wanted DH to have the opportunity to step up as a father and take care of his daughter.  At the beginning, it was easy since she slept all the time, but once she got older... I figured that DH would step up his game and actually do things or take his daughter places, but alas, I already knew what was going on.  She spent the day sleeping off his beer and buddies night before while DD was left with the TV to entertain her.  It upset me to no end, but if I was to quit my part time job to interact with society, then DH probably would have opted to be even more hung over and left all the child care for me to handle while he lounged around the house, not stepping up to being a father.

I was fortunate enough that my side of the family wanted to spend time with DD.  In fact, my brother made (and kept) plans for him and her to do something.  It was usually going fishing, but it was spending quality time making memories for her and I am ever so thankful for that.  It was the sign that I was not raising DD alone when my family stepped up to help me.  My in-laws, on the other hand, were too busy to fit us in their busy schedules.  The credit goes to my mom and my big brother for making sure DD felt loved beyond her parents....  Thanks to them....  I have given DD a foundation of some good memories beyond being taken care of by me.

Well, with the knowledge that DH was never one to take DD out for an adventure or even create some kind of memory that could comfort her, I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen.  DH has complained that it is too expensive to do anything and we are obviously too financially strapped to do anything beyond hang out at home, I took the money I earned, so far, from my subbing days at the local high school.  Sadly, 4 paid hours after taxes is not much, but I took it and dedicated it to giving DH and DD something to do together.

I researched, on line, for fun things to do that do not cost much.  In fact, I looked for free things to do, but what was offered as free still cost something, so I found a few options for them.  I will be planning them to happen over the next few weekends while I am at work.  This weekend is the first adventure.

I prepaid for their tickets to a 5D movie experience.  What is 5D, you ask?  Simple....  It is a 3D movie you watch with moving chairs, wind machines, and whatnot to make the viewer actually feel the experience.  It is only a 30 minute experience, but it sounds like a load of fun for them.  Then, I got them a gift card to a restaurant for their lunch.  You see, I took that $40 paycheck and turned it into lunch and a short movie for DD and DH to share experiencing.  It is not an all day excursion, but a couple of hours of solid one-on-one time.  I typed my instructional letter and placed it in an envelope for DH to open tomorrow while I am away at work.  DD knows about this and I told her to keep at him to follow my instructions to the letter.  Once I get home, make dinner and have everyone at the table together, I will get to hear all about their adventure.

Trust me.... it sounds way better than the usual... "Oh, nothing happened here while you were away, Mom." if I get to hear that they actually went somewhere and did something.  Of course, it also proves to DH that it does not need to break the bank to create a memory.

I have a couple more ideas up my sleeve and one I will be participating in it and that is going to a learning zoo in a town roughly 30 minutes away by car from our home.  Entrance fee is $5 for adults and free for kids under the age of 17.  It is not a large venue like the bigger zoos near Chicago, but I see it as an experience nonetheless.  The other will take some saving up to to, but with Christmas being right around the corner, I know I will see an increase in my paycheck with the increase in work.  Yep, being strictly on commission is hard, with that feast/famine aspect, but I believe I can afford to get them to an indoor go-kart track as well as maybe supply them with a few games of laser tag.  Once DH finally sees that it is possible to do things without breaking the bank, he just might realize that I am not all that stupid and could fix some of the other problems we have here.  I swear, giving him that "big boy pill" when it came to the bills backfired when he turned into a total miser, but if he would listen to me.... he might see that what we have is actually workable and not so miserable.

Once I get these plans in action, there will probably be more, but this is a good start.  So far, the sitting at the table plan is working quite well and the animosity is less here.  There is so much work that is needed to be done and I am determined to at least try.  Lets just hope that my efforts change DD's tendency to be so drama filled that she does not score all that high on future depression screenings since our family is starting to coalesce as a team that can work together.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

The game changer...

Morning, folks!  Just a quick addition to my mental floss and off to tackle the day....

I admit that I have tried really hard at fixing things in my home for quite a long time.  I had faith that my family would catch on and at least give an effort towards improving things around here and obviously, it has not worked.  So, I chose to take on the family issues from another angle.  You can call it a "change in the game" and you can even call me "the game changer", but who knew that hitting my breaking point would start something actually positive around here?  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, but there has been a positive change, albeit forced upon my family, but a positive change nonetheless over the past 24 hours and I am absolutely thrilled about it!!

So, let me share with you the events leading to this point.....

Yesterday morning was like every morning in my household.  Up before the sun was rising because I have a few seriously pinched nerves in my back.  I watch DH go running around in the dark, getting ready to hit the shower, I see DD's bedroom light turn on and hear her scramble to find something to wear for school, and I noticed that there is very little talk going on.  While usually, I do not mind because I am not a morning person and I was awake because of back pain, I saw this as something to take note of.

After DH takes his shower, I moseyed off to make some breakfast and figured I would make some breakfast for the others, too.  Kind-of like an "Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch, or Leave it to Beaver" moment.  You see, usually DH grabs a bowl of his Cheerios and DD makes herself a bowl of instant oatmeal in the morning.  I decided to make everyone pancakes instead.  The reaction was surprising, to say the least.  That little act of domestic life is not all that common here, but welcomed.  I obviously took note of that.  Then, I let my family do the rest of their morning routine of scrambling around, getting things done that need to be before leaving for the day.....  like grabbing a coat, a backpack, or whatnot before bolting out the door.  I noticed yet another thing.....  the niceties were lacking.  Those, "have a nice day" comments were not there.  Just a quick "goodbye" or "see ya later" comments were said before bolting out the door.  Hmmmm...  yet another thing I took note of.

It appears that my family seems to function on less of being like a family and more like bumper cars doing their best to avoid collision.  Family togetherness is not exactly togetherness at all.  We seem to exist in one residence, but nothing more and it had me thinking.....

My musings were interrupted when I got a call from the school.  It appears that they were showing a movie and having the kids fill out questionnaires on a few hot topics that kids normally do not want to talk about....  Depression/suicide, and bullying.  That sure sounds like a heel-clicking good time for a Monday, don't you think?  Well, beyond my less than positive feel about this subject being a part of DD's learning experience, the school counselor called me.  Apparently, it was important to mention to me that while DD is not suicidal, she did score quite high on the test to see if she suffers from depression.  Oh joy!  Here we go again!!  After a long discussion of my awareness of DD's tendency to push the dramatic envelope and that I would yet again force her to speak to me again about what it is this time that has her panties in a wad, I assured the counselor that I already had her checked by a professional and was told that she is a normal child that holds onto sad moments like a crutch for an excuse when things do not go her way.  I was even willing to show this woman the bill for the local hospital doing a psych evaluation and even ask to get the results so she can ease up on believing that cookie-cutter test because everyone suffers from depression from time to time.  It is the ability to not let the negativity hold you down that should be highlighted here.  Not some general question that everyone can agree to, like.....  Do you ever feel sad?  Heck, everyone feels sad from time to time, but does that mean you are clinically depressed?  Nope, but according to that test with the yes/no answer....  it makes the assumption for you.

Okay, time to step off that podium because I took that route once and the only thing it did for me is lighten up my bank balance and tick me off.  The only thing that I did manage to learn in healing the feelings part of my mind was to find an outlet to release and turn to that... thus this blog.  It seems to work.  Most of the time, but I digress, I need to get the rest of this shared so I can do what I have planned for the day.

After the call from the school, I either snapped mentally, or I had an epiphany.  Something had to change here!

I realized I needed to look back and see where some changes are needed to be made here in our family unit.  Trust me, I have tried various things to see if there is a solution to the deterioration of this family unit.  These were my findings and this is what is being addressed... so far....

1).  DH was not exactly raised like I was when it came to parental involvement.  In fact, I get the feeling from what DH has told me about his childhood, his father was the breadwinner and his mother was the caregiver and never once was that line ever crossed.  The breadwinner doled out the punishment to all.  He was the decision maker and ruled the roost with an iron fist.  The caregiver just reported to the breadwinner of the days events, the misbehavior's, and took care of the home.  ALL cooking, cleaning and child rearing was her responsibility with a limited budget given to her from the breadwinner and that was it.  (My result in this finding:  DH believes that love towards his family has a price tag and supporting his family financially and not emotionally is showing his love for his family)

2).  Stress is a demon that everyone suffers.  Especially when money being paid out for bills exceeds money being brought in.  Heck, everyone is trying to decipher what is considered a true necessity and what is just an item we would want to have.  When dealing with stress, people turn to different "outlets" to diffuse the tension that stress creates.  Some turn to drinking, some turn to smoking, some turn to shopping and others turn to fighting.  Okay, there are a few that choose other things, like reading, crafts/hobbies, writing, eating, and whatnot, but you get my drift, right?  There is an outlet that a person chooses to take in order to release the tension and become more at ease around those that they love.  Sadly, the desire for the outlet can oust those around you that love you instead of bringing an understanding.  In my case, DH chooses to have drinks at the end of the week and sleep it off over the weekend with having the ultimate control over the remote and a permanent dent in the recliner.  DD chooses to hide in a virtual world of computer games and music blaring through a pair of ear buds.  I choose to escape reading a book, stringing beads, crocheting, blogging, and an occasional visit with friends to have a beer or two.  Depends upon what appeals to me at the moment, but I admit, I have a very diversified stress relief plan.  While there is stress in the house and stress over finances... we, as a family do not spend time together without distractions to just connect.  In fact, if we did not go grocery shopping together as a family....  I doubt we would see much of each other in our own home since we choose to be in separate parts of the house.  (My result in this finding:  We do not connect, we do not communicate...  thus, we cannot grow as a family)

Between these two things, I noticed that we are three separate people living under one roof that have the misfortune that we really do not know where we stand.  DD admitted that she was not sure if her father even loves her and is afraid to ask.  DH wants a relationship with DD, but has no clue how to do that besides irritate her like a big brother would be to a little sister.  I want to find my lost family.  We used to do things together willingly and without attitude.  We used to help each other with keeping the house in running order with chores and "honey-do" lists, we used to talk about things....  Heck, we used to eat together at the table at least once a week.  Nowadays, it is food taken to other rooms to eat alone and whenever we were hungry.  Our only outing as a family is going grocery shopping and there is bickering over who pushes the cart and figuring out how to get DD's attention to take the ear buds out of her ears.  Togetherness at home is three people spending time in three separate rooms at opposite ends of the house.... the farther, the better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES HERE!!!

I know that DH and I try to be reasonable parents that gives some independence to our teenage child, but maybe we gave up on getting her to connect to us on her own terms.  We know very little about ourselves these days and that needs to change.

So.....  I had a talk with DH that he needs to act more like a parent than a sibling towards our daughter.  I had a talk with DD that she needs to put in more effort to check her attitude before speaking with her father (they bicker all...the...time).  I now made it mandatory that we need to eat dinner AS A FAMILY EVERY NIGHT and there will be no more taking food to another part of the house.  ALL electronic devises are turned off at dinner time... no TV, no cell phones, no computers, books, video games and whatnot....  and we are to talk about our day like the families seen on old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, and even The Andy Griffith Show.

The results???  In the course of one hour at the dinner table once DH got home, the attitude has changed.  DH and DD actually talked in a civil tone towards one another, and even laughed a little.  DH stopped acting like a kid, DD stopped acting like an angst-ridden teen, and DD even offered to wash the dishes after DH and I cleared the table.  Before DD went off to bed, she actually hugged her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight, and DH even told her he loved her without being prompted to say it.  It actually came from the heart.  This morning, the routine was even different.  While I did not get up early enough to make a family breakfast for the table, there was a more loving atmosphere that bordered upon something I have wished for for years.  It feels like this is going to be a success!!!

While I know that my family has a track record of making short memory of change and reverts back to old habits, I am going to remain vigilant in keeping this going.  If I have to remind them...  I am not afraid of doing so because that snap I suffered yesterday had me telling my family what I expected and they willingly made a go of it.  Darn shame I have to be the heavy for this, but I have been the brunt-taking peace-keeper for too long.  I just never realized how thick-headed my family is to have trouble figuring stuff out on their own.  I have to give them instructions and that is just foreign to me, but if this works....  I better get used to telling people what I expect and deal with the reactions accordingly.

Now, on to step #2 of my plan to get the relationship of DH and DD to mature just a bit more.  I am planning a day trip for the two of them while I am away at work.  I found a couple of activities that are fairly cheap and will not take all day, but I can afford to prepay for it, so there will be no excuses or complaints about cost.  Once I plan it out, get the tickets, map out the plan and present it to them before Friday....  I can at least feel comfortable that I am building a better father/daughter relationship.  Of course, I have more research to do to find more really cheap (bordering on free) things to do for them and even maybe have me included in them for the future since going to the zoo costs too much in transportation costs or entrance fees, and walking the mall is too much temptation that we cannot afford....  I will find nature walks and whatnot to do.  I think we can afford a picnic lunch and an afternoon of playing a board game or two.  I just need to be creative in how I do it all and that takes time to get it done.  I have the time since I have not been getting called into work as much lately, but I need to keep my hopes up that things will turn around here in only a positive light.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!
 

Uh oh! I think I am broken, therefore I must be!!

Okay, to all those friends of mine that love spending their "down time" with a good book.....

Have you ever read a book and WISH that place actually existed?

How about all those reality show fanatic friends I happen to have...

Have you ever thought that it would be so COOL to meet some of these people in real life?

I certainly hope that there are people that agree with the above statements because.....  I think I have hit the brink of sanity here and I am painfully afraid that I am sinking into the abyss of seeking a fictional life experience.

Fictional life experience????  What is that???

Simple to explain and hard to believe is what that is!!

Upon reading a recent book, I now have the painfully strong desire to take a trip to some podunk town in the South just to meet a cowboy and see if they are all smooth-talking gentlemen that I have read.  You know what that means if you have read as many romance novels as I have that set the scene in a big place called.... Texas.  Heck, just getting the opportunity to stroll into some honkey-tonk and be re-introduced to the two-step would be quite thrilling to me.  Of course, I would be that kind of person to just be happy getting a cold beer and a bar stool.

Of course, after reading about cowboys and romance, I started to re-read a series that is set in the Sierras and suddenly I want to go, yet again, to a little town nobody has heard of to be immersed in the small town charm while taking a hike on a trial to see, smell and experience nature.  Being suburban born and bred, I never felt all so awe inspired at a forest preserve, but maybe a national park might put a sparkle in my eyes again.  Well, it could be because there are apparently some darn good looking adventure guides in these places.

Then, there is obviously the story about a law enforcement officer willing to risk life and limb for my safety that seems to sound quite appealing.  Of course, I am not in any dangerous situations that has me being protected by someone else.... Darn it!

How about the opportunity to meet (and get to know) a hockey player, a football player or even a baseball player that exudes "bad boy charm" and charisma.  I am a HUGE hockey fan, but any sport would do, that is, if I get to go to the games.

There was even a story I read that had a man actually cook for his beloved...  just because he cared enough to do so....

Really.... what is happening to me?????

I am not a romantic person, but I guess it would be nice to be romanced from time to time.  Is it wrong to want a little romance in my life?  Is it wrong to want someone to protect me if I feel threatened?  I sure hope not because I learned I have a soft underbelly that I did not think existed before.  Just knowing I have one is unsettling, to say the least.  In fact, I am just a little jealous that fictional characters have all the luck!

Now, I am not all that much of a fan for reality TV, but the few I have managed to watch has had me wondering.....  Wouldn't it be so cool to actually become friends with one of them?  I mean, really, I watched "Rock of Love" where Bret Michaels was looking for love and all I thought was.... "He just really needs a good friend to turn to and I have no doubt we could be great friends."  Heck, I would just love to meet the Roberston family from Duck Dynasty.  They seem like a real fun bunch to hang out with and who knows....  I might learn how to hunt.  Eh, probably not, since I have a guilt complex killing deer, but I would shoot a snake in a heartbeat!  Not sure I would eat said snake, but I know I would shoot one and not feel one twinge of guilt doing so.  I even recall watching a reality show about Ozzy Osborne and his family and I would think it would be cool to just hang out and cause a little mayhem.  I do have a talent to swear like a trucker, a sailor, or whatever you want to call it, so I would fit right in, right?

So......  Where is this desire to travel to places that are not exactly a tourist attraction such an attraction to me?  I have no clue.  Why do I have this strong feeling I could be a great friend to a person that does not want to know I exist?  And the even most disturbing one yet....  Why do I want to experience some kind of romanticized existence with some good-looking, smooth-talking Southern Gentleman or law enforcement professional?  That one has my head scratching.  I think I need to blame it on the books, I tell ya!  Blaming it on the books!  My little escape has become more and more of a quest in life and that tells me that something is definitely broken in my world.  Scary?  Yep.  Unsettling?  You betcha!  How do I fix it?  No clue!  All I know is that my bucket list is growing and there is nothing I can do about it except acknowledge that it exists.  DH is not a romantic sort.  He has admitted it to me.  He does have some sweet moments.  They are fewer than they were when we were dating, but he does try from time to time.  I can only assume he lacks the energy and determination to try anymore, but I know he has it in him to be sweet and thoughtful.  I just happened to stop holding my breath for another act of unexpected kindness to emerge.  I just figured that he is capable without me nagging for it.  Sadly, he chooses to not try and I refuse to nag.  It is what it is.

I just wonder.....  Is this longing for more something I need to act upon?  Or is it something I should just accept and keep trudging forward in the life I happen to have.  Oh well.... back to reading some of my favorite books.... again!

The play of words....

To all those that hold dear every Hallmark holiday there is....  Happy Belated Sweetest Day everyone!!!  As for me, Saturday was just another ordinary day.  Well, not exactly....

I pulled up my big girl panties and went out for a few hours, by myself!  I did not stay alone, though.  I sought out some friends that have a Saturday ritual of having a night out.  Of course, it was not as local as I would have preferred, but I knew that driving that distance was worth the trip because I was really overdue for a laugh.

Well, while I was out "being social" and all, I was presented a topic that they would like to see shared via "my blog" and I obviously agreed to look into it and quickly learned that it managed to make a connection to something that happened recently, so..... here goes....

Words:  The verbal connection.

We use our words to share thought.  Simple as that.... we share something every day and we take it for granted.  Sadly, the words we happen to choose to use can create reactions that would otherwise be less than welcoming.  It all boils down to how the words are presented and how the words are received.

With that in mind, words alone are only half of the story.  It is also measured upon the actions we choose to take.  Either way, communication is a give and take of what we share, willingly.

Now, this friend of mine decided to mention something to me and asked which word is to be used in what they wanted to bring across and it humored me that there was in internal debate to deciding to use the word "despite" or the phrase of "in spite of" to share that regardless of the shortcomings that they believe they posses, they have something special about them that sets them apart from the pack.  I found it interesting that the word "despite" actually means "in spite of" when it is used as a preposition and in all honesty....  the way that they were speaking.... either way applies correctly.  There should have not been a problem then, but as with just about any word, there is another use for it having a slightly different meaning.  Of course, it has to do with how you choose to use the word, or words.  Since "despite" can be used as a preposition since prepositions are words that link a noun in a sentence, it can also be used as a noun and the meaning changes ever so slightly.  If my friend used "despite" as a noun, the meaning becomes (according to definition) a feeling, which in all intents and purposes, is still closely relate-able to the prepositional use, but in usual talking, sounds...  odd, to say the least.  You see, "despite" can also mean outrage/injury or contempt/disdain if used as a noun.  If the phrase "in spite of" was broken down, the word "spite" also offers a connection to the noun definition because "spite" has a very similar meaning.

Head scratching, don't you think?  And this is only referring to this one concern of phrase.  Just imagine the countless other words that have double meaning, and at times mean the exact same thing.  The only difference is how you choose to use the word.  Yep, that English language is quite complicated since I had to look up the word to learn this and I have been speaking it all... my... life!!

Speaking of speaking.....  Did you know that a perception of one thing can create a feeling opposite of what you are trying to achieve?

I was called out on what I thought was funny to learn that it was not funny at all.  In fact, it resulted in a phone call to tell me just that!  I even took the time to look back at previous blogs of mine and realized that I should have known better than to share something I thought was funny and meant to be just that and apparently I am not allowed to express myself that way because what I happen to share is guaranteed to be under a microscope and scrutinized within an inch of its life.

~~  And people wonder why I don't share much on social media ~~

Well, with that being said, I learned my lesson.  Yet again I let my guard down and shared incorrectly.  For that, I am truly sorry and I will never attempt to crack a joke again.  Unless I add a disclaimer that my intentions are truly pure and not malicious in any shape or form because I know I will be put to blame for something that was not intended to be anything other than lighthearted.  I apparently still need to work on my censure abilities as well as filter every little thing I share and second guess everything to feel assured that I cannot be misunderstood or perceived in a different light.  In fact, I think I need to just shut my mouth, stop flossing and let my thoughts eat me alive from the inside out.  Yep, I need to just lose the light that I have managed to find within myself and swallow down all that comes my way and never seek release.  Yep, I think that is the goal of one person, of which I will never say their name, nor offer any clues to who that may be because... they know who they are and just seeing this will make them happy that they have finally broke me.  I am now a nobody.  A faceless, nameless waste of air, space and time.  Only to do the bidding of others without offering any insight, any different perceptual view and I shall be lacking feeling as I get punished for never learning fast enough to at least move forward or even win at least one round of the game called, life.  Lo' I shall be the punching bag because I tried to seek solace through sharing thought.  Time to hide in fictional books and keep my distance from the real drama that surrounds me.

Well, thanks to my friend for the suggestion for today's shared topic.  Let the dissection of who I am as a person begin!  

When enough is enough.....

I have learned to pick my battles... Heck, I think I have mastered the "keep my head down and mouth shut" action.  I have tendencies to go out of my way to make something out of bits and pieces of not much, but I think it is fine time to put my foot down and call it a day.

What I am talking about is still attached to my apparent need to work with beads.

Recently, my credit card bill came in and much to my surprise.....  it is worse off than I figured.  Who knew my desire to take up the advise of others to make a go of making a bunch of beaded items could cost a small fortune?  Obviously, it was not me.  I should have known better, though, because I have this tendency to never take the cheap way of things.  Especially when it came to making jewelry.  Come to think of it.....  this applies to every hobby I have managed to master.  As I shake my head in frustration... and in utter dismay....  I have to do some serious thinking about the future of any of my hobbies.  In fact, I think I may have to reconsider ever doing these hobbies ever again.

I can honestly say that the realization that I need to stop where I am and just finish all that I have made it's appearance just a couple of days ago.  Here is what I mean....

I was called in to work at the salon.  I had a request to do a pedicure on a woman that I did once before as a fill-in while my boss was looking for another nail tech.  I am not really a fan of doing nails and when it comes down to doing pedicures....  my back screams in agony before I even begin.  Being hunched over for roughly an hour to pamper another's feet is not as glorious as the person getting pampered feels.  Trust me... I am not knocking the service... it is great and all, but there are just some things in life (as well as career) that I would prefer to not do.  Heck, the tip I receive is not really worth the pain I suffer, but the ever stoic employee.... I will do as asked because as long as I am doing something.... I am earning a paycheck.  If I do nothing... I make nothing.  In this day and age, people are taking any job in order to make ends meet.  I am no different than the rest.

Well, while I was there at the salon, I figured I would show what I have accomplished so far in my beading frenzy and what is most likely going to be sold in the very near future.  You see, my co-workers really liked what I have managed to make and said I should sell what I make to make some extra cash for my family's financial situation.  Of course, I failed to foresee the burden that this endeavor would have on our already stressed budget.  I did what I could by paying for a good amount of it with the cash I earned in tips, but there were times I did not have enough.... so, I used my credit card.  I figured that if it was under $100, I was in the clear to make the purchase, but I obviously forgot to keep a running tab on what I was spending on because those little charges started adding up rather quickly.  I have the credit card balance to prove it.

In the excitement of what people were saying, I was given some advice that, while in all intent and purposes, were to be helpful in making my money back, happened to add more burden upon what I have already spent.  You see, I make a boatload of earrings and not one matching necklace or bracelet.  With the money I have sunk into making the earrings, I shudder at the thought of buying more stuff to make the matching accessories that may or may not even sell.  Really, who is willing to spend $40 on a pair of earrings that took me hours to make?  Now, I am asked to make necklaces, bracelets and hair accessories, too.  All of which does not guarantee that everything will be sold.

Yep, I did not look much farther than the concept when the admiration of the beaded art of earrings were appealing to sell to others.  Then, of course, what am I going to do with all these things if they do not sell.  I am obviously not going to get my initial investment back and with the sight of the credit card bill....  I already know that DH is on the warpath.  He already announced that we need to cheapen-up our grocery bill last night.  With Christmas right around the corner, we just do not have enough to offer much merriment.  I will definitely need to "bone-up" on making new meals from leftovers when Thanksgiving comes around and odds are looking really good that our health will be affected if we have to resort to cheap, convenience foods as meals.  Yep, it is looking like a Kraft Mac'N cheese kind of life forming here.  It makes me wonder how much chemical enhancement there is to make that stuff look so.... orange.

Of course, DH is going to go into denial when the desire for his darn weekly snack choice is going to have to stop.  Really, since when does a person need to get 5 pounds of raw, unsalted sunflower meats (organic, of course) at a whopping $10 and state that this is not an issue to the grocery bill?  Sheesh!  This man has been grumpy for far too long and me pointing out the cost is going to send him to dangerous levels we have not experienced as well as try our hardest to avoid from happening.  I am not sure if there is more for us to sacrifice.

On another note...  DH is getting a taste of how awful our new health insurance is.  He obviously is acting like he is in denial over it to avoid my telling him... "I told you so", but you can definitely see it on his face he is not happy that he is paying more for everything.  His co-pays went up $20, his prescriptions more than doubled, but he refuses to speak up to his business partner that changing plans was (and is) the worst thing ever.  Sadly, I will be getting an even shorter end of the stick, along with blame that I am sending us to the poor house.  Well, with my recent lesson in my beading adventure...  I am agreeing with him on that one.  I just have to figure how to utilize everything I have and hope to sell it all.  Not seeing much promise in that, but I have to try.  I just cannot make matching accessories to what I already made if there is a demand for it.  The spending has stopped and what I have is what I have.  I will not be able to make special requests unless payment is made in advance.  The lady that supplies my beads is gonna feel the crunch, too.  Since I am not going there for a long time.  My itch to finish the afghan that I was making just might become a throw because I know I need more yarn and I am not getting anymore.

Come to think about it.... even my insatiable reading habit will now consist of rereading what I have and only getting free books from Amazon.  I rarely buy books, but I have a few authors I like to read and their books rarely cost over $5, but even that is flashing a neon light that even those books are going to add up, too.  Yep, my $0.99, $1.99 and $2.49 books are out of the question.  The library is lacking books I read and there is no way I am going to read historical romance novels.  That is where I draw the line!  Oh well, time to do what I do.  I have a house to clean before we get to puppy-sit again.  I believe that it is this weekend, so I better get a-move-on.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!