Good morning...
Question of the day: Have you ever tried to balance a teeter totter on your own? You know, be on that playground ride and balance both ends off the ground without using your hands and your feet cannot touch the ground? We all know that if you stand on the middle and shift your weight just so, it can be done. That is what life is to be about... balance. We balance work and play everyday. All those little annoyances that add weight to one end or the other is what we try to counteract upon. Some people are quite talented on doing just that. while others have no balancing skills whatsoever.
People, like myself, tend to eventually balance things out, but it is not a smooth transition. The ends bounce up and down quite often. When we do manage to balance that board, it looks shaky. It is a constant battle to keep the board still. Sadly, I thought I had my balancing act down-pact. I started yet another journey (albeit it is with Weight Watchers) to lose weight, and I added a new challenge... To quit smoking. Yep, the one habit I have had for years since my father died. I did quit once and was doing quite well. Then my dad passed away and I grabbed onto that crutch and have not let go since. The sudden desire to quit NOW has been something in the works a long time, but the final push was after seeing my husband in the hospital. The man that I saw as 10 feet tall and bulletproof obviously wasn't. Seeing the scared look on his face (and rightfully so) was my sign to make some serious changes in my lifestyle. We have a child to consider and we need to be here for her.
So, as I have been trying to accomplish 2 things at once, I realized that I was having a harder time letting go of my smoking crutch. I am really good at focusing on one thing at a time. If my plans were to lose weight, I would do just fine on that. I just happened to add another challenge that needs more than half of my attention. During the start of this journey to a better lifestyle and a healthier weight, I did not realize that an old demon was picking the lock on the door that I have since long ago locked. I have had a history of suffering from generalized panic disorder. In other words.... I had panic attacks. I placed a large focus on controlling my panic attacks without medications for years. I can honestly say that I had a pretty good handle on my tendencies to panic for over 12 years. I was only on Xanax for a total of 6 months and that included weaning myself off. I was medication free before I even got pregnant with my daughter. I figured that if I can control this, I can handle anything that comes my way.
While trying to keep this blog as short as I can, I guess I should just get to my current dilemma that I have. After seeing the doctor yesterday about my complaints of headaches and feeling a bit lightheaded, she noticed my ability to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth while being in her office. She saw this as a sign that I am trying to control too much on my plate. After telling her my current plans of losing weight and quitting smoking, she did the math. I am over stressing myself and causing a similar, but not exact, panic attack to occur. Believing that I need assistance, she prescribed my Wellbutrin to help with my attitude and quit smoking. After picking up my prescription, I have a tendency to read the potential side effects and potential risks (stupid anxious person that I am), and started to wonder if it is worth taking this stuff (looked like the cons outweighs the pros to me). After talking to my older sister, the nurse, she assured me that this will work in my favor and I will be just fine. Since I take her opinion highly, I started taking this stuff this morning. So far, so good.... no side effects to report. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is just short term and will help me do a better balancing act. I just hope that my doctor sees it as a short term thing, too, because I really hate taking pills.
Thanks for reading.... Have a great day everyone :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The things people do to achieve.....
Good morning friends :)
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
Monday, August 1, 2011
Scary changes...
Ever get into a terrible rut when it comes to the way you do things? Have you been less than thrilled to take on some major changes you know that you have to make? Ever had such a lousy attitude about change that you manage to lose focus on the important reasons for the change? I can honestly say that I have been facing some much needed changes that I have been kind-of avoiding.... Here is the briefest synopsis I can drum up. Just accept it that it is is in outline form and quite choppy when it comes to flow. It is the best I can offer today....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
- DH complains of breathing difficulty and finally agrees to see a doctor.
- Take DH to one of those 24 hour treatment centers since my doctor does not work on Sundays.
- DH is rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Initial tests point towards Atrial Fibrillation, excessive fluids in lungs, feet and ankles with increased heart rate.... All the makings for Congestive Heart Failure.
- DD freaks and demands to go home, DH screaming he needs help, and I am reaming out the ER doctor with demands that a Cardiologist gets called in and sits vigil at DH's bedside while I take DD home and seek out a sitter. (Stress level excessively high)
- I get a call shortly after getting home from the ER doctor that DH did not suffer a heart attack and still has issues becoming stable so he was sent to the cardiac ICU and will get the attention that I demanded he gets.
- DH remains in ICU. Tests being taken and no answers offered to me. DH asks doctors to keep me "in the dark" and to only tell him what is going on.
- Late Tuesday morning, DH gets moved to a room in the cardiac wing. He is stable, but his heart beat is irregular and his pulse rate is too high. More tests taken.
- Tests, tests and more tests. Still being kept in the dark about it all except I am sneaky enough to demand to get answers from his nurse off his chart.
- DH gets a roommate Wednesday night. Screamer the whole night and was revived from the brink of death in the morning... Just before I get to the hospital. DH is a bit concerned and wants to come home.
- Decision was made to do 2 procedures on Thursday morning. One was to check for clots and faulty valves of his heart. If all looks good... DH gets a shock to the heart to restore regular, controlled heart beats and pulse rate. DH goes through both procedures like a champ.
- DH gets okay to be released .
- DH is home by dinner time. New diet in place and some serious changes are underway. Pile of new medicines to manage and a calendar filling up with various doctor appointments.
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
EH... WHATEVER!!!
Heat, humidity, economy in the crapper, inflation, stress, and games people play.... Just making a little list of what drive people into becoming tightly wound, bitter, and just plain nasty. Hitting my breaking point makes it that much easier to not let things get to me so much. All of that sensitive mumbo-jumbo is getting a reality check and all I can say is.... ABOUT TIME!
Just yesterday... Decided to try being helpful from a distance when it comes to DH and his job. Usually, I avoid stopping by or calling and let him work in peace. This recent heatwave has been brutal to everyone that has to go outside of the confines of a building that has air conditioning. It is just a little harder when your job is fixing cars. Hovering over an engine that has been running just adds the right amount of heat to put you at risk of heat stroke. Hearing that excessive heat can kill a person makes me concerned. It is not like I doubt DH's abilities to remain hydrated, but when you are busy, there is an opportunity to ignore the warning signs that your health is at risk and that is a risk I am not willing to take. What I usually do when the temps are at a dangerous level, I take a little trip to the local 7-11 and pick up some frozen drinks and bring them to the guys at the garage. It makes them take a little break and drink something really cold so their body temps can cool and I can make sure that they are all okay. The money I spend is from what I earn working at the salon. I use my tip money and spend it on people I care about. I have a knack to put myself last and I am okay with that. Apparently DH gets mad at me for spending any money by acting all distant. Yet again, I got a "thank you" for the cold drinks, but no "I love you too" after I tell him I love him before leaving.
Now, keep in mind that just a mere few days ago, I would let this bother me to no end. Feeling all sad for myself that I don't feel loved. Today, I just chalked it up to a long line of moments that waste my time and energy. As I left the garage, I told myself this..... "So what if DH is incapable of saying 'I love you' when I say it first. I did what I came to do and that is all that matters. If he is going to punish me for caring enough to spend a little money for piece of mind that he at least had something cold to drink on such a hot day... well then he really does not know me all that well. Go ahead, darling.... take another bite out of me, chew it up, and spit it out.... There is more where that came from. Keep trying to break me with your attitude and watch me laugh. You can't break something that is already broken... HA! So there!!"
I did think about something completely not what people would expect to see me do.... I was going to send a little note to the one that ripped off my rose colored glasses and thank them for doing what they did to me.... twice. Yep, hurt me years ago, lost contact, reconnected, heard the most heartfelt apology, and forgave them to see history repeat itself.... Nice, huh? At least this time around I ended up finally getting stronger from the blow. It just bothers me that they have zero remorse over this. In fact, they act like nothing ever happened. Totally mind boggling to me they can pull that rabbit out of their hat, but as a good friend said to me.... "It is hard to be humble when you are just that awesome" or something like that. Scratched the idea of sending the thank you note. Probably would confuse them anyway.
As for the rest of my day.... I at least did go help out a friend. Her car was making a very loud sound and caused her great concern. Just felt bad that the heat, yet again, caused DH to be a little snippy. I seemed to have forgotten that they are short handed at the garage this week and they are booked solid with cars to fix. Determined to not let my friend down, I found a local mechanic and dragged him over to her car to check it out. I guess I still have a knack to humor a person into doing just about anything. The initial check was what I figured what was wrong with her car. He drove it back to his garage and is planning on fixing it for her. As for DH missing out on being the hero of the day.... well, I managed to get another garage to consider bringing cars over to DH's garage for things they do not normally handle. Yep... I even helped DH get more work to come his way. Being helpful is how I roll, baby...LOL. I just hope that it does not make him end up working later than he already has been, but since things have picked up there, he has been sleeping better at night. Doubtful that DH knows that I refer loads of people to his garage. Not because it helps us stay afloat financially, but because he is the most honest, knowledgeable, and intelligent mechanic I know. I have never told him that because he never asked. As for his snippy attitude again?? Sigh, oh well. Bound to happen... aka: WHATEVER!
Just yesterday... Decided to try being helpful from a distance when it comes to DH and his job. Usually, I avoid stopping by or calling and let him work in peace. This recent heatwave has been brutal to everyone that has to go outside of the confines of a building that has air conditioning. It is just a little harder when your job is fixing cars. Hovering over an engine that has been running just adds the right amount of heat to put you at risk of heat stroke. Hearing that excessive heat can kill a person makes me concerned. It is not like I doubt DH's abilities to remain hydrated, but when you are busy, there is an opportunity to ignore the warning signs that your health is at risk and that is a risk I am not willing to take. What I usually do when the temps are at a dangerous level, I take a little trip to the local 7-11 and pick up some frozen drinks and bring them to the guys at the garage. It makes them take a little break and drink something really cold so their body temps can cool and I can make sure that they are all okay. The money I spend is from what I earn working at the salon. I use my tip money and spend it on people I care about. I have a knack to put myself last and I am okay with that. Apparently DH gets mad at me for spending any money by acting all distant. Yet again, I got a "thank you" for the cold drinks, but no "I love you too" after I tell him I love him before leaving.
Now, keep in mind that just a mere few days ago, I would let this bother me to no end. Feeling all sad for myself that I don't feel loved. Today, I just chalked it up to a long line of moments that waste my time and energy. As I left the garage, I told myself this..... "So what if DH is incapable of saying 'I love you' when I say it first. I did what I came to do and that is all that matters. If he is going to punish me for caring enough to spend a little money for piece of mind that he at least had something cold to drink on such a hot day... well then he really does not know me all that well. Go ahead, darling.... take another bite out of me, chew it up, and spit it out.... There is more where that came from. Keep trying to break me with your attitude and watch me laugh. You can't break something that is already broken... HA! So there!!"
I did think about something completely not what people would expect to see me do.... I was going to send a little note to the one that ripped off my rose colored glasses and thank them for doing what they did to me.... twice. Yep, hurt me years ago, lost contact, reconnected, heard the most heartfelt apology, and forgave them to see history repeat itself.... Nice, huh? At least this time around I ended up finally getting stronger from the blow. It just bothers me that they have zero remorse over this. In fact, they act like nothing ever happened. Totally mind boggling to me they can pull that rabbit out of their hat, but as a good friend said to me.... "It is hard to be humble when you are just that awesome" or something like that. Scratched the idea of sending the thank you note. Probably would confuse them anyway.
As for the rest of my day.... I at least did go help out a friend. Her car was making a very loud sound and caused her great concern. Just felt bad that the heat, yet again, caused DH to be a little snippy. I seemed to have forgotten that they are short handed at the garage this week and they are booked solid with cars to fix. Determined to not let my friend down, I found a local mechanic and dragged him over to her car to check it out. I guess I still have a knack to humor a person into doing just about anything. The initial check was what I figured what was wrong with her car. He drove it back to his garage and is planning on fixing it for her. As for DH missing out on being the hero of the day.... well, I managed to get another garage to consider bringing cars over to DH's garage for things they do not normally handle. Yep... I even helped DH get more work to come his way. Being helpful is how I roll, baby...LOL. I just hope that it does not make him end up working later than he already has been, but since things have picked up there, he has been sleeping better at night. Doubtful that DH knows that I refer loads of people to his garage. Not because it helps us stay afloat financially, but because he is the most honest, knowledgeable, and intelligent mechanic I know. I have never told him that because he never asked. As for his snippy attitude again?? Sigh, oh well. Bound to happen... aka: WHATEVER!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
SNAP!!!
Well hello there, fair weather friends.... Guess what? THE BITCH IS BACK!!
Yep, the last nerve have been toyed with and a much needed release is about to commence.....
Let me take you on the nickel tour of the crazy bus that I have been riding.....
Over the past three years or so, I have been living with the blinders on. I actually believed that people actually care about my random ramblings about the imperfect phases of my life. I actually reopened the scar from years of my past, tried to fix what is considered "less than perfect" about myself, hope that getting out my controlled release of stress by sharing can ease the pain, and shouldering the blame for it all. Even attempt to show that people can relate to who I am and maybe even open their eyes to realizing that they are not alone in this great big world. Even my feeble attempts to understanding life, pitfalls and all, has offered nothing but to be judged before judging who they see in the mirror. Yep, I have been the welcome mat for misery. That kind and caring nature I have is just a weakness that makes me naive to being fooled, used, and walked on. NO MORE, I say!!
Let me give you a little taste of what being honest, caring and trusting has gotten me.....
As I realized that in life, you really do not have that many real friends. In fact, I can count mine on my hand. I thought I had more than just a handful of real friends, but I took the time to really look at the caliber of people that I considered worthy of really hearing the truth from my lips and learned very quickly that people are not as they appear to be. What I mean by "real friends" are people that you can entrust your secrets to and know that you can rely upon them as not just a sounding board, but to be loved and respected for who you are as a person and not by what you have done. Stupid me to believe the sweetly spoken sewage that has spewed out of the lips of people that I felt that I can trust with secrets that I would never speak of or even write about for the world to see. I have managed to keep your secrets safe... if they are the truth. Who knows, it just might be all a lie-filled ploy to gain sympathy or trust from you, but it was raw honesty from me. My thought process has become tainted. I no longer have belief in what people say anymore. All of that niceties that have been said to me I see are LIES, LIES, LIES. I pour out my soul, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I actually care more than I need to towards every person I considered my friend and all it took is for one friend to use my kindness like a piece of toilet paper to rip off those rose-colored glasses I have been wearing. As they walk away unscathed and uncaring, I am left to pick up my jaw from the floor reeling from the pain and shock. If friendships and relationships come with conditions.... I am walking away from now on. The level of trust and belief in that person is over. Oh, I can still be a "friend" or even "friendly" after I get hurt, but don't be surprised that I will pick and choose when it is in my best interests to "have your back" or let you "flail in the wind". I have taken on so much B.S. that there is a nasty taste in my mouth. When I get fooled once.... shame on you! For being fooled twice... well, shame on me!! I just never thought that there would be such a long gap between "foolings". Oh, who am I kidding!!! Just lose contact of a person for an extended period of time and learn that people really do not change all that much.
Well, another thing has been learned over the past 3 years.... Honesty is not always the best policy. Sharing feelings other than happiness is just a one way ticket to "the city of cold shoulders". Yep, you have heard it here.... Being angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even feeling alone in need of some attention is no longer acceptable feelings to share. If you truly care about something... chances are, nobody else cares all that much. Oh, there are people that will send a kind word, but there is really no interest behind it. Saying "sorry" really has lost its value these days. Especially when you hear it all the time. If someone was really sorry, they should choose to use different words and mean it. Kind of like hearing someone say they are sorry for hurting you and see them hurt you again at a later date. Obviously, they were never sorry in the first place. As for sharing feelings... Well, I just need to find a better way of "letting loose" in a more selective or direct way. I just need to hone the ability to share in a way that does not sound like complaining, whining, or pointing the blame. If I am happy, I am going to say I am happy. If I am sad, I am gonna say I am sad. If I am angry... well, I am gonna get that point across a lot quicker. No more twisting things to make me the "fall guy". Deep thought is overrated. All that is left of me is raw emotion. Take it or leave it people, because who matters will care and to those that don't...won't.
Yep, the last nerve have been toyed with and a much needed release is about to commence.....
Let me take you on the nickel tour of the crazy bus that I have been riding.....
Over the past three years or so, I have been living with the blinders on. I actually believed that people actually care about my random ramblings about the imperfect phases of my life. I actually reopened the scar from years of my past, tried to fix what is considered "less than perfect" about myself, hope that getting out my controlled release of stress by sharing can ease the pain, and shouldering the blame for it all. Even attempt to show that people can relate to who I am and maybe even open their eyes to realizing that they are not alone in this great big world. Even my feeble attempts to understanding life, pitfalls and all, has offered nothing but to be judged before judging who they see in the mirror. Yep, I have been the welcome mat for misery. That kind and caring nature I have is just a weakness that makes me naive to being fooled, used, and walked on. NO MORE, I say!!
Let me give you a little taste of what being honest, caring and trusting has gotten me.....
As I realized that in life, you really do not have that many real friends. In fact, I can count mine on my hand. I thought I had more than just a handful of real friends, but I took the time to really look at the caliber of people that I considered worthy of really hearing the truth from my lips and learned very quickly that people are not as they appear to be. What I mean by "real friends" are people that you can entrust your secrets to and know that you can rely upon them as not just a sounding board, but to be loved and respected for who you are as a person and not by what you have done. Stupid me to believe the sweetly spoken sewage that has spewed out of the lips of people that I felt that I can trust with secrets that I would never speak of or even write about for the world to see. I have managed to keep your secrets safe... if they are the truth. Who knows, it just might be all a lie-filled ploy to gain sympathy or trust from you, but it was raw honesty from me. My thought process has become tainted. I no longer have belief in what people say anymore. All of that niceties that have been said to me I see are LIES, LIES, LIES. I pour out my soul, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I actually care more than I need to towards every person I considered my friend and all it took is for one friend to use my kindness like a piece of toilet paper to rip off those rose-colored glasses I have been wearing. As they walk away unscathed and uncaring, I am left to pick up my jaw from the floor reeling from the pain and shock. If friendships and relationships come with conditions.... I am walking away from now on. The level of trust and belief in that person is over. Oh, I can still be a "friend" or even "friendly" after I get hurt, but don't be surprised that I will pick and choose when it is in my best interests to "have your back" or let you "flail in the wind". I have taken on so much B.S. that there is a nasty taste in my mouth. When I get fooled once.... shame on you! For being fooled twice... well, shame on me!! I just never thought that there would be such a long gap between "foolings". Oh, who am I kidding!!! Just lose contact of a person for an extended period of time and learn that people really do not change all that much.
Well, another thing has been learned over the past 3 years.... Honesty is not always the best policy. Sharing feelings other than happiness is just a one way ticket to "the city of cold shoulders". Yep, you have heard it here.... Being angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even feeling alone in need of some attention is no longer acceptable feelings to share. If you truly care about something... chances are, nobody else cares all that much. Oh, there are people that will send a kind word, but there is really no interest behind it. Saying "sorry" really has lost its value these days. Especially when you hear it all the time. If someone was really sorry, they should choose to use different words and mean it. Kind of like hearing someone say they are sorry for hurting you and see them hurt you again at a later date. Obviously, they were never sorry in the first place. As for sharing feelings... Well, I just need to find a better way of "letting loose" in a more selective or direct way. I just need to hone the ability to share in a way that does not sound like complaining, whining, or pointing the blame. If I am happy, I am going to say I am happy. If I am sad, I am gonna say I am sad. If I am angry... well, I am gonna get that point across a lot quicker. No more twisting things to make me the "fall guy". Deep thought is overrated. All that is left of me is raw emotion. Take it or leave it people, because who matters will care and to those that don't...won't.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
If you were wondering.....
I have not been in the best frame of mind. A recent strong storm has knocked out the power in my neighborhood and is not expected to be back on until the weekend. DH and I have been arguing via messages to each other because we know that if we actually tried to talk, it would become really ugly. Writing back and forth offers us a little time to think things through before throwing blows to each other and keeps the sight of an argument away from DD. We have a generator running at all times so we can save our food, keep the sump pump running, have use of the TV, use of the computer, some lights and a fan or two. All food is being cooked on the grill since all our appliances run on electricity and the generator can only do so much. We have no AC because of the situation and the temps are to be in the 80's with relative humidity all week which is creating some real tense people in this "hot box" we call home. There is no breeze to cool us off or even cool off the house. Laundry is piling up because we are sweating through everything we manage to put on. Tethered to the house because of the generator, only short trips to the gas station for more gas for the generator are being made.
The heat is making me sick. Massive headache from hearing the generator run constantly. My patience is nil. DH is avoiding talking to me, DD has got a mouth on her that would have resulted in missing teeth back in my day, and I already know that somehow this scenario will be twisted in such a way that it will be all my fault. At night, I have hear generators on my block, but travel one block in either direction and they seem to have power because I can hear their AC units running. Somehow, ComEd, the only electricity provider where I live, cannot seem to find where the outage is. While I do not claim to be a rocket scientist, but it is quite obvious. Now, I know that I am not the only one without power from this storm. There are roughly 400,000 others in my situation across the northern part of Illinois suffering like I am, but I find it comical that they manage to get so close and be yet so far away when the power can be restored a block away in one day, but it will take almost a week to get my block back online.
I have managed to take on way too much lately and I have stressed myself into a wreck. I have missed out on events that I should have gone to or should be going to. I am feeling really out of touch with people because of it. When I do share, I hear "crickets" like I just shared mt soul in an empty forest with nobody around. I guess I must have really pissed someone off to get to feel so cut off these days.
I have decided that I am going to take a break from it all and not blog for a while. In fact, I am not going to be visiting my Facebook account for a while. I just can't seem to be in a witty frame of mind for my friends there. I do not want to burn any more bridges than I might have, if I have. I think by tomorrow, I will have sent all the early birthday wishes for my friends for the rest of the month, I will clear my wall and clear my mind. I was never the popular one anyway, so I won't be missed. I just figured that it would be a considerate thing to do to at least share that I am signing off for a while to those that seem interested.
As I said... I am in a bad frame of mind and I need to do something about it.
Thanks for reading.
Take care.
Be safe.
The heat is making me sick. Massive headache from hearing the generator run constantly. My patience is nil. DH is avoiding talking to me, DD has got a mouth on her that would have resulted in missing teeth back in my day, and I already know that somehow this scenario will be twisted in such a way that it will be all my fault. At night, I have hear generators on my block, but travel one block in either direction and they seem to have power because I can hear their AC units running. Somehow, ComEd, the only electricity provider where I live, cannot seem to find where the outage is. While I do not claim to be a rocket scientist, but it is quite obvious. Now, I know that I am not the only one without power from this storm. There are roughly 400,000 others in my situation across the northern part of Illinois suffering like I am, but I find it comical that they manage to get so close and be yet so far away when the power can be restored a block away in one day, but it will take almost a week to get my block back online.
I have managed to take on way too much lately and I have stressed myself into a wreck. I have missed out on events that I should have gone to or should be going to. I am feeling really out of touch with people because of it. When I do share, I hear "crickets" like I just shared mt soul in an empty forest with nobody around. I guess I must have really pissed someone off to get to feel so cut off these days.
I have decided that I am going to take a break from it all and not blog for a while. In fact, I am not going to be visiting my Facebook account for a while. I just can't seem to be in a witty frame of mind for my friends there. I do not want to burn any more bridges than I might have, if I have. I think by tomorrow, I will have sent all the early birthday wishes for my friends for the rest of the month, I will clear my wall and clear my mind. I was never the popular one anyway, so I won't be missed. I just figured that it would be a considerate thing to do to at least share that I am signing off for a while to those that seem interested.
As I said... I am in a bad frame of mind and I need to do something about it.
Thanks for reading.
Take care.
Be safe.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Sigh...
Feeling lost, confused, alone and unloved is an unhealthy way to exist....
Avoiding confrontation is a failed attempt to see a smile come across the face I see in the mirror. "Just swallow down a little more of the bitter medicine", I tell myself, knowing that every little disappointment is just another dose to take. Explaining away why things seem so opposite of what they should be. Chalking up the actions of another as a result of stress or even the inability to keep a dividing wall between work and home. The feeling of utter loneliness is just from "too many hours being taken up with the demands of work... He needs his sleep", I remind myself. The things we had in common seem so insignificant these days, the demands of life is pulling us in directions that we cannot seem to relate anymore... I, with managing the home, working part time in a salon, and raising our only child. He, with the demands of work, the stress of making ends meet, and who knows what else. The similarities really do not mesh all that well anymore, our ability to communicate has been destroyed by the inability to listen. Silence is all we have to share. Oh, we do talk from time to time, but it consists of events that our lovely daughter is participating in, if the homework from school (when it is back in session) is complete, the few moments we try to either laugh or irritate each other only offers that we lack the depth to face the challenges together.
Recent attempts of making things seem relaxed or even "normal" for what other families I see do has resulted in what feels like bitter resentment from a man I thought I once knew. This supportive and jovial man that managed to ease the painful road that I have taken that consisted of poor choices seems so far away. Those random looks with love in his eyes are long gone. The soothing words of support have not been spoken. The gentle touch of his hand that eased my fears has not been felt for so long, I am nearing a point of forgetting it ever happened. His face and actions seem so strained, the look in his eyes is so distant... so cold. Try as I must to rekindle what became lost, I see that each attempt is cut short, avoided, and ignored. "Stop this evil beast that has smothered the love in this man... Remind him that you love him as often as you can, do everything that you can in your power to make his life at home a happier place.", I tell myself. "Sacrifice until hit hurts and sacrifice even more.", I remind myself. "Make him open up and talk, maybe I am not supportive enough.," I say to myself. All attempts resulted in even more distance and silence.
"Seek out your inner awesome! You are the one dragging him down. Try to be more like the woman he met, change your look, change your style, make fun of yourself... maybe, just maybe he will finally come around.", I tell myself in the mirror. Sadly, I think I am too late. I try to open a conversation with anything I can think of. I made everything about him because when I did try to share my feelings, my confidence level gets knocked down another peg. "Insecure and crazy thinking" is what I get as a response. I spend a couple of dollars on something that lights up to try to see a glimmer in his eyes gives me a stern talking to that I am spending money that we cannot afford. My punishment... A cold shoulder and no assurance that there is still love in his heart for me. I could say, "I love you", until I am blue in the face and all he chooses to do is walk away or give a shrug with a "uh huh".
Believe me, I can tolerate so much. In fact, I will deal with feeling less than special in his eyes. The day came that he started to show his bitterness and selfish side towards our only child. As I hear her tell her daddy that she loves him before he left for work, and nothing was said in return... tears well up in my eyes because she does not deserve the cold shoulder. That is to be my burden to carry, not hers. Anger, fear and sadness runs through my veins. My scars are deep under my skin, the abuse I receive cannot be seen, the pain can be seen in my eyes. I am trying to remain hopeful that this recent bout will end. I cannot hope that everything becomes picture-perfect and all that I dreamed of, but I can hope that it can return to the way things were before. No, it is not perfect... no, it is not completely blissful... and no, it is not sugary-sweet, but it is what I have become accustomed to. It is not a grand existence, but at least it is something. I can be the one that offers all the love to never expect the exact amount back, I can be the one to take all the pressure, I can take the verbal snubbing as long as I can get some reassurance that I am at least loved a little and appreciated just as much.
All it takes is for a few kind words once in a while to wash away the self doubt and fear. I am not asking for much... just a crumb, a speck, a microbe of consideration towards my feelings. I promise....
Avoiding confrontation is a failed attempt to see a smile come across the face I see in the mirror. "Just swallow down a little more of the bitter medicine", I tell myself, knowing that every little disappointment is just another dose to take. Explaining away why things seem so opposite of what they should be. Chalking up the actions of another as a result of stress or even the inability to keep a dividing wall between work and home. The feeling of utter loneliness is just from "too many hours being taken up with the demands of work... He needs his sleep", I remind myself. The things we had in common seem so insignificant these days, the demands of life is pulling us in directions that we cannot seem to relate anymore... I, with managing the home, working part time in a salon, and raising our only child. He, with the demands of work, the stress of making ends meet, and who knows what else. The similarities really do not mesh all that well anymore, our ability to communicate has been destroyed by the inability to listen. Silence is all we have to share. Oh, we do talk from time to time, but it consists of events that our lovely daughter is participating in, if the homework from school (when it is back in session) is complete, the few moments we try to either laugh or irritate each other only offers that we lack the depth to face the challenges together.
Recent attempts of making things seem relaxed or even "normal" for what other families I see do has resulted in what feels like bitter resentment from a man I thought I once knew. This supportive and jovial man that managed to ease the painful road that I have taken that consisted of poor choices seems so far away. Those random looks with love in his eyes are long gone. The soothing words of support have not been spoken. The gentle touch of his hand that eased my fears has not been felt for so long, I am nearing a point of forgetting it ever happened. His face and actions seem so strained, the look in his eyes is so distant... so cold. Try as I must to rekindle what became lost, I see that each attempt is cut short, avoided, and ignored. "Stop this evil beast that has smothered the love in this man... Remind him that you love him as often as you can, do everything that you can in your power to make his life at home a happier place.", I tell myself. "Sacrifice until hit hurts and sacrifice even more.", I remind myself. "Make him open up and talk, maybe I am not supportive enough.," I say to myself. All attempts resulted in even more distance and silence.
"Seek out your inner awesome! You are the one dragging him down. Try to be more like the woman he met, change your look, change your style, make fun of yourself... maybe, just maybe he will finally come around.", I tell myself in the mirror. Sadly, I think I am too late. I try to open a conversation with anything I can think of. I made everything about him because when I did try to share my feelings, my confidence level gets knocked down another peg. "Insecure and crazy thinking" is what I get as a response. I spend a couple of dollars on something that lights up to try to see a glimmer in his eyes gives me a stern talking to that I am spending money that we cannot afford. My punishment... A cold shoulder and no assurance that there is still love in his heart for me. I could say, "I love you", until I am blue in the face and all he chooses to do is walk away or give a shrug with a "uh huh".
Believe me, I can tolerate so much. In fact, I will deal with feeling less than special in his eyes. The day came that he started to show his bitterness and selfish side towards our only child. As I hear her tell her daddy that she loves him before he left for work, and nothing was said in return... tears well up in my eyes because she does not deserve the cold shoulder. That is to be my burden to carry, not hers. Anger, fear and sadness runs through my veins. My scars are deep under my skin, the abuse I receive cannot be seen, the pain can be seen in my eyes. I am trying to remain hopeful that this recent bout will end. I cannot hope that everything becomes picture-perfect and all that I dreamed of, but I can hope that it can return to the way things were before. No, it is not perfect... no, it is not completely blissful... and no, it is not sugary-sweet, but it is what I have become accustomed to. It is not a grand existence, but at least it is something. I can be the one that offers all the love to never expect the exact amount back, I can be the one to take all the pressure, I can take the verbal snubbing as long as I can get some reassurance that I am at least loved a little and appreciated just as much.
All it takes is for a few kind words once in a while to wash away the self doubt and fear. I am not asking for much... just a crumb, a speck, a microbe of consideration towards my feelings. I promise....
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