Beauty should not be based upon what is seen, but what is felt. Sadly, we are all too familiar with what is on the outside than what is on the inside. Well, it is far easier to see what is in front of us than look deeper into who the person really is.
I guess my reason for sharing that thought is because I needed to release the ache that resides just under my skin.
I know that my feelings have been hurt for a long time. A lot of it is superficial stuff; frustration from other things, stress in the air, poor communication skills and fear. Only today I somehow managed to add yet another thing to that list of what makes it hard for people to see beyond the surface and see the beauty that comes from within.... It is predictable comfort. Well, that is the best description I can offer right now. The right word has been sitting in the back of my mind, but cannot come forward.
Predictable comfort is what people tend to get into when their surroundings are so relaxed and familiar.... broken-in, if you can think of it that way. Just like that ratty, old pair of slippers that sit next to the bed, or that worn-down, but comfortable pair of jeans that get worn more than the others that hang in the closet or is folded into a drawer. It is that predictability that it will always be there, waiting for you. While I describe this, it sounds more like what beauty and love should entail. That love of something that is no longer new, but is a part of who you are and what you like. Sadly, it is not the case when it comes to attraction or even appreciation of the beauty a person happens to have. When there is predictable comfort, there is a lack of focus on the appearance and a lack of appreciation that is needed. Maybe I should have used cars instead of the comfortable things we have in our homes. When we get a new car, we are enamored with its appearance... It's sleek lines, the absence of rust, the purr of a finely tuned engine, and maybe that new car smell. After time marches forward, that beautiful machine we purchased starts to lack all those attributes that attracted us to purchase that car; it starts to rust, there are dents or dings on that sleek exterior, that soft purr of the finely tuned engine starts to sound a little louder, and that new car smell has faded away. There is still love for the car, but the superficial beauty that attracted us is gone and all that there is left is reliable comfort. It is no longer something admired, but it is reliable. I think that is what my problem is when it comes to my need for DH to appreciate me more like when I was new to him and not be appreciated as the rusted piece of metal that is coined as Old Reliable.... The love is still there, but it is less intense. With people, as in cars, we can do things to spruce things up, but what we really want is something that is less superficial and more emotional.
Even as I tried to describe this as a car, I still see problems in getting my point across. Really, I seriously doubt that DH is shopping around for a new wife like he would for a new car. He appreciates the classics. I just feel more like the rusted out truck that sits in my driveway all summer. It looks absolutely awful, but it still runs like a champ. Granted, he still is assured that it will always remain reliable, he no longer appreciates the look of it anymore. HA! That is what I am feeling like.... a rusted, old, 1992 Ford F-150 with faded paint, rust, and in need of some new tires. The engine is in great running order, but no longer the first choice in transportation. I am no longer thought of first. Not that I have asked to be, and I would sure hope he thinks of his daughter first, but I feel more like that option that offers a grunted sigh of resignation when all other options are not feasible.... Just call me Old Reliable! Lately, I have been feeling as resigned as that truck in my driveway. Heck, if that truck could talk, it would tell me a story that I am oh, so familiar with. In all honesty, I really like the truck. If it got some much needed TLC, it could be a great truck again. But DH thinks it would be better to find a better truck on the outside and transplant the reliable engine from Old Reliable and give this choice of transportation new life. He wants the exterior to be pretty again because he lacks the vision to look beyond the rust and faded paint to see the beauty this vehicle has. Kind of like when I mentioned that beauty should be felt instead of seen to be fully appreciated.
How sad is that???? No wonder why I feel so unappreciated and unhappy! That metaphor of his truck is the story of my life! No wonder why I am so unhappy with myself and my situation!! I have seriously tried to look better for him and he still sees me as his rusted old truck that sits in our driveway! I am so unhappy that I cannot lose the weight I have gained over the years... I have become an emotional eater! If you are what you eat, then I am junk! I run to junk food as my friend that comforts me! I want the comfort to come from him, darn it!! I want reassurance that I am still pretty in his eyes. I want to know that what is on the inside matters more than what is on the outside!! I am not getting any younger, ya know, and it would feel really nice to be appreciated for more than what I do for him like what that reliable engine has done for him over the years! But alas, I know that it will never change. If he cannot see it now, he will never see it ever. I have tried for years to get him to open up and share his feelings about me. Not the barrage of complaints stacked on my shoulders about money or mixing vegetables in his meal or if the house is not perfectly spotless. I am tired of the predictability of his need for the remote control to watch mindless TV with more vigor than actually looking at the woman he married. I am tired of the robotic act of saying I love you when he leaves for work or ends a call with me. Heck, that has become a barometer of knowing if he is not mad at me and that everything is just peachy-keen than an actual term of endearment. What is even more sad is that I am afraid I would lose him if I try any harder. Heck, I have been losing who I am for years with my attempts at conformity for him. ULK! I feel sick with this revelation! I need to get back to reading yet another book with the hopes I can vicariously live through the characters and hide from this harsh reality that has been bestowed upon me. I picked up 3 more books yesterday from the library. I finished one today, I have 2 more to go through before I can return them. Yep, that is what I need to do.... escape in the pages of a book to numb the pain of realization that I will never be pretty enough to be loved the way I need to be.
Sorry about today's flossing moment.... The release is done.... no turning back now.....
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
The enforcer, the fixer.....
I am the great cricket hunter!!
You know..... I can easily fall asleep to the sounds of nature when the bedroom window is open. It seems to be one of those soothing sounds that people can fall asleep to. Sadly, last night I crashed on the couch and had to be woken up to the sound of a lone cricket making its racket in my front hall. The sound was loud and it echoed off the walls. Yep, 5am my eyes are forced to open because of a darn bug in my foyer!! Apparently, DH can sleep through a war zone because DD and I were awake and not all that happy about it. With DD complaining in my ear that she cannot sleep, my back starts to spasm. Offering her my iPod to drown out the racket from a cricket was the only suggestion I could offer in my cranky, sleep induced haze. After getting DD back to bed, I tossed and turned on the couch in frustration from the racket and in need of getting the kink along my spine to relax. Knowing that I could not get relief from either, I walked into my foyer and found the nuisance to my restful sleep and.......
SMASHED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF IT WITH A SHOE AND SILENCE WAS RESTORED!!!
Impressed at how quickly I was able to find this darn bug in the dark while half awake.... I went back to laying down on the couch in a position that only Gumby could manage to get into and felt my back spasm ease me to the point where I could go back to sleep. Sadly, sleeping in bent angles for the sake of my back does absolutely NOTHING for my neck and shoulders, but I am feeling pretty good this morning. I can handle having a stiff neck for the day.
As I sit back and think about my little hunting adventure this morning..... I chuckled at probably the most stupid thought that came to my mind..... You see, interrupted sleep, lack of sleep, or too much sleep makes me a little silly and even a little sarcastic. In fact, I have been told I am hilarious with the random crap that I could think up and talk about..... Writing is another thing, but this morning's thought was how I have a new title to add to my list of specialties.....(I am a jack of all trades, just faster at some)... My newest one is I am like a mob enforcer or fixer. I just lack the crooked nose from being broken beyond repair and the tough-guy accent like the actors in the movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I do have the attitude, though, as I grunted in anger while smashing that little pain in my backside into oblivion and said a satisfying cuss-filled rhetorical question to the dead bug on my foyer floor when it ended. I quickly realized at my thought process was hilarious because I am the complete opposite of a thug, but it felt pretty darn good to think I was one... just for a fleeting moment. I felt like I could take on the world. I should feel sorry for the little creature, but in the mind of an enforcer/fixer to make life controlled for others.... I have no sympathy. I just have to re-mop my foyer floor of the evidence that I smashed a huge cricket with a shoe this morning, but getting that pent-up rage that was boiling under the surface over how I worked way too hard to make my weekend seem calm and serene released was the catalyst to make the start of this week a little better than planned, so I have no complaints. Now, I am off to do my wifely duties and get some housework done. Yep, things are back to normal.....
You know..... I can easily fall asleep to the sounds of nature when the bedroom window is open. It seems to be one of those soothing sounds that people can fall asleep to. Sadly, last night I crashed on the couch and had to be woken up to the sound of a lone cricket making its racket in my front hall. The sound was loud and it echoed off the walls. Yep, 5am my eyes are forced to open because of a darn bug in my foyer!! Apparently, DH can sleep through a war zone because DD and I were awake and not all that happy about it. With DD complaining in my ear that she cannot sleep, my back starts to spasm. Offering her my iPod to drown out the racket from a cricket was the only suggestion I could offer in my cranky, sleep induced haze. After getting DD back to bed, I tossed and turned on the couch in frustration from the racket and in need of getting the kink along my spine to relax. Knowing that I could not get relief from either, I walked into my foyer and found the nuisance to my restful sleep and.......
SMASHED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF IT WITH A SHOE AND SILENCE WAS RESTORED!!!
Impressed at how quickly I was able to find this darn bug in the dark while half awake.... I went back to laying down on the couch in a position that only Gumby could manage to get into and felt my back spasm ease me to the point where I could go back to sleep. Sadly, sleeping in bent angles for the sake of my back does absolutely NOTHING for my neck and shoulders, but I am feeling pretty good this morning. I can handle having a stiff neck for the day.
As I sit back and think about my little hunting adventure this morning..... I chuckled at probably the most stupid thought that came to my mind..... You see, interrupted sleep, lack of sleep, or too much sleep makes me a little silly and even a little sarcastic. In fact, I have been told I am hilarious with the random crap that I could think up and talk about..... Writing is another thing, but this morning's thought was how I have a new title to add to my list of specialties.....(I am a jack of all trades, just faster at some)... My newest one is I am like a mob enforcer or fixer. I just lack the crooked nose from being broken beyond repair and the tough-guy accent like the actors in the movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I do have the attitude, though, as I grunted in anger while smashing that little pain in my backside into oblivion and said a satisfying cuss-filled rhetorical question to the dead bug on my foyer floor when it ended. I quickly realized at my thought process was hilarious because I am the complete opposite of a thug, but it felt pretty darn good to think I was one... just for a fleeting moment. I felt like I could take on the world. I should feel sorry for the little creature, but in the mind of an enforcer/fixer to make life controlled for others.... I have no sympathy. I just have to re-mop my foyer floor of the evidence that I smashed a huge cricket with a shoe this morning, but getting that pent-up rage that was boiling under the surface over how I worked way too hard to make my weekend seem calm and serene released was the catalyst to make the start of this week a little better than planned, so I have no complaints. Now, I am off to do my wifely duties and get some housework done. Yep, things are back to normal.....
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friends, family and life.....
Good evening! Took me a while to think about blogging. Way too much swimming around in my head. Most of it is regarding control of emotions.... I am the master of my own domain!!
Sigh. Life is full of disappointments. Not all the time, but there is a fair amount of it. I mean.... Come on!! Life was never meant to be a bowl of cherries, floating down a chocolate river, through a mystical land of rainbows and unicorns. Life is what it is and what we do with it. Not all of it is going to be happy. Some of it will be downright depressing!!
Alcohol is the elixir for brutal honesty, or so I have been told. What alcohol does to a person can vary in emotion. While there are some that can be relaxed and happy after a few drinks, there are some that can become violent and unpredictable. I have experienced it all. I recall dating a man that whenever he had a drink.... it was a total crap-shoot to what his behavior would be. He had violent tendencies if he crossed the threshold of limitations and it scared me enough to run away and never look back. It never got to the point where I was physically abused, but there was no doubt in my mind that it could easily get to that point. Alcoholism is a scary thing to see and an even scarier thing to deal with. I have seen with my own eyes, the simplicity of needing so much that when you lack it.... it can alter a persons coping abilities. I have no doubt that alcoholism exists in my family tree. While I would never have the strength to tell someone to their face that they have a drinking problem, I do have the ability to avoid the issue and make up excuses for them to lessen the reality of the problem. I know it comes from trying to understand the illness and why there is such a strong pull for people to rely upon what is in the bottle (or can or glass) instead of facing the issue face to face. While I can read a book to escape the harsh reality bestowed upon me, it is far less destructive than the impaired behavior from a beverage. My house may not be as pristine as it was this past winter, but nobody gets hurt from escaping in the pages of a book.
What manages to make things difficult is when there is no more determination to try to fix what has been broken for years. I know that people need to fins a release from the stress of a dismal economy, the stress from the demands of their job, the frustration of feeling unappreciated, and even the exhaustion of repeated failures. The challenges we face every day may seem small to others, but feel quite big to us. It is how we choose to handle these challenges that can make them big or small issues. Denial is never the answer and compromise just prolongs the outcome.
DH and I have been skirting some issues that most likely will never be fixed. Compromise and consideration is to blame. We offer excuses that explain away problems that could easily be fixed if we tried to work together. We just can't. We have the tendency to accept things as they are and remain in denial. In fact, we are very patient people that would do what needs to be done instead of ask again for help. Of course, I just get stuff done when it needs to be done because my family has stronger resolve to not do a darn thing..... no matter how much we need to get it done. But sadly, there comes a time when the ability to let things get placed upon the back burner is no longer an option and there needs to be release. That is when the time we spent swallowing down the frustration did not prepare us to communicate as well as we should and hurtful words are said. Verbal abuse is just as painful as physical. There are no bruises or marks to show, but the pain is just as immense. I should know.... I have been a recipient of verbal banter that can break the spirit of a normal person. I have become stronger from it, but I am not invincible. I find things as an outlet to control the pain I suffer and find a smile to share to the world.
Yesterday was a tough day to get my head in the game that we call life. I work in an environment that takes pride in dealing with people. Hairdressers are more than that person that cuts your hair..... we are the non-paid psychologist/therapist that cannot be submitted to insurance. We hear your problems, we share opinions, and we do our best to have you feel better about yourself before you walk out of the salon. Clients do not need to see that life affects us also and that we have issues to deal with that are quite painful. We are professionals and that is required of us to remain stable, pleasantly calm, and level-headed. If only they knew how hard it is to separate home life from work, or even separate the issues from the non-issues. We treat each person as a blank slate and never let disappointments from other people intertwine. You never hold a grudge from one client to the next... no matter how easy it can be to do that. Normally, my issues are well controlled and I am the perfect professional. It was a situation that I did not ask for the previous evening that made things hard. When I am trying to control my feelings for the sake of others.... I manage to become really quiet. As long as there is no acts of kindness sent my way (which means no hugs or offers of encouragement to talk things over), I can diffuse the situation rather quickly and move forward, but when I have been personally attacked verbally by someone that I am supposed to love and that they love me.... it is just a little harder to get control that quick. It takes me a few days to cool off.
Sadly, Friday night was a war brewing under the surface of DH. Friday nights, being his drinking night with the boys, makes it the toughest night for me. I am not sure if the usually jovial man I married is going to crack jokes or verbally slam me into a wall. Yep, DH.... everybody's pal and such a nice guy is not always as nice to me as he is towards his friends. No, he would never hit me physically, but he definitely has a very intimidating tone about him.... especially towards me. As I was told.... you really only hurt the ones you love, and I guess he must really love me with that intimidating tone he freely throws my way. Any weaker of a person would have ran years ago, but here I am..... almost 16 years with this man and I take the verbal blows like a champ. Not sure why I get them, but if this is my superhero power to take verbal emasculation for the greater good of all.... well, then I am one awesome super hero!! I really do not know what I did to deserve such an honor, if you want to call it that, but it is pushing me to a breaking point. If I could run away and never look lack, I would, but I can't. I have actually had dreams of handing over divorce papers, just to see the shocked look in his face, but I have no plans.... yet. It has been months since our last verbal tiff, and this, I guess was something that was long overdue. I have an obligation to make this marriage work.... no matter the cost because I made a promise on the day I said, "I do" almost 14 years ago. I vowed to work at this marriage, but I am getting tired. All I know is that I do love DH, but I am just not all that fond of him right now.
I am proud of my ability to control the pain yesterday for work, I managed it when I was back at home, and I even managed it quite well while I was out with friends last night. Today has been an easier day and chances are..... tomorrow will get a little better. Eventually, things will get back to normal and somewhat happy.... well more or less just comfortable and predictable. I wanted to apologize to my friends if I acted different yesterday. I am better today and I just wanted to let you know. As for my family who reads my blog (I know you do)..... PLEASE just let the desire to call and talk about this stop. I am fine, really.... I am doing good. I am just not in the mood to say much more than this and I am not really up for opinion or advise.... Consider this issue dropped and lets move forward... shall we? Thanks :)
Sigh. Life is full of disappointments. Not all the time, but there is a fair amount of it. I mean.... Come on!! Life was never meant to be a bowl of cherries, floating down a chocolate river, through a mystical land of rainbows and unicorns. Life is what it is and what we do with it. Not all of it is going to be happy. Some of it will be downright depressing!!
Alcohol is the elixir for brutal honesty, or so I have been told. What alcohol does to a person can vary in emotion. While there are some that can be relaxed and happy after a few drinks, there are some that can become violent and unpredictable. I have experienced it all. I recall dating a man that whenever he had a drink.... it was a total crap-shoot to what his behavior would be. He had violent tendencies if he crossed the threshold of limitations and it scared me enough to run away and never look back. It never got to the point where I was physically abused, but there was no doubt in my mind that it could easily get to that point. Alcoholism is a scary thing to see and an even scarier thing to deal with. I have seen with my own eyes, the simplicity of needing so much that when you lack it.... it can alter a persons coping abilities. I have no doubt that alcoholism exists in my family tree. While I would never have the strength to tell someone to their face that they have a drinking problem, I do have the ability to avoid the issue and make up excuses for them to lessen the reality of the problem. I know it comes from trying to understand the illness and why there is such a strong pull for people to rely upon what is in the bottle (or can or glass) instead of facing the issue face to face. While I can read a book to escape the harsh reality bestowed upon me, it is far less destructive than the impaired behavior from a beverage. My house may not be as pristine as it was this past winter, but nobody gets hurt from escaping in the pages of a book.
What manages to make things difficult is when there is no more determination to try to fix what has been broken for years. I know that people need to fins a release from the stress of a dismal economy, the stress from the demands of their job, the frustration of feeling unappreciated, and even the exhaustion of repeated failures. The challenges we face every day may seem small to others, but feel quite big to us. It is how we choose to handle these challenges that can make them big or small issues. Denial is never the answer and compromise just prolongs the outcome.
DH and I have been skirting some issues that most likely will never be fixed. Compromise and consideration is to blame. We offer excuses that explain away problems that could easily be fixed if we tried to work together. We just can't. We have the tendency to accept things as they are and remain in denial. In fact, we are very patient people that would do what needs to be done instead of ask again for help. Of course, I just get stuff done when it needs to be done because my family has stronger resolve to not do a darn thing..... no matter how much we need to get it done. But sadly, there comes a time when the ability to let things get placed upon the back burner is no longer an option and there needs to be release. That is when the time we spent swallowing down the frustration did not prepare us to communicate as well as we should and hurtful words are said. Verbal abuse is just as painful as physical. There are no bruises or marks to show, but the pain is just as immense. I should know.... I have been a recipient of verbal banter that can break the spirit of a normal person. I have become stronger from it, but I am not invincible. I find things as an outlet to control the pain I suffer and find a smile to share to the world.
Yesterday was a tough day to get my head in the game that we call life. I work in an environment that takes pride in dealing with people. Hairdressers are more than that person that cuts your hair..... we are the non-paid psychologist/therapist that cannot be submitted to insurance. We hear your problems, we share opinions, and we do our best to have you feel better about yourself before you walk out of the salon. Clients do not need to see that life affects us also and that we have issues to deal with that are quite painful. We are professionals and that is required of us to remain stable, pleasantly calm, and level-headed. If only they knew how hard it is to separate home life from work, or even separate the issues from the non-issues. We treat each person as a blank slate and never let disappointments from other people intertwine. You never hold a grudge from one client to the next... no matter how easy it can be to do that. Normally, my issues are well controlled and I am the perfect professional. It was a situation that I did not ask for the previous evening that made things hard. When I am trying to control my feelings for the sake of others.... I manage to become really quiet. As long as there is no acts of kindness sent my way (which means no hugs or offers of encouragement to talk things over), I can diffuse the situation rather quickly and move forward, but when I have been personally attacked verbally by someone that I am supposed to love and that they love me.... it is just a little harder to get control that quick. It takes me a few days to cool off.
Sadly, Friday night was a war brewing under the surface of DH. Friday nights, being his drinking night with the boys, makes it the toughest night for me. I am not sure if the usually jovial man I married is going to crack jokes or verbally slam me into a wall. Yep, DH.... everybody's pal and such a nice guy is not always as nice to me as he is towards his friends. No, he would never hit me physically, but he definitely has a very intimidating tone about him.... especially towards me. As I was told.... you really only hurt the ones you love, and I guess he must really love me with that intimidating tone he freely throws my way. Any weaker of a person would have ran years ago, but here I am..... almost 16 years with this man and I take the verbal blows like a champ. Not sure why I get them, but if this is my superhero power to take verbal emasculation for the greater good of all.... well, then I am one awesome super hero!! I really do not know what I did to deserve such an honor, if you want to call it that, but it is pushing me to a breaking point. If I could run away and never look lack, I would, but I can't. I have actually had dreams of handing over divorce papers, just to see the shocked look in his face, but I have no plans.... yet. It has been months since our last verbal tiff, and this, I guess was something that was long overdue. I have an obligation to make this marriage work.... no matter the cost because I made a promise on the day I said, "I do" almost 14 years ago. I vowed to work at this marriage, but I am getting tired. All I know is that I do love DH, but I am just not all that fond of him right now.
I am proud of my ability to control the pain yesterday for work, I managed it when I was back at home, and I even managed it quite well while I was out with friends last night. Today has been an easier day and chances are..... tomorrow will get a little better. Eventually, things will get back to normal and somewhat happy.... well more or less just comfortable and predictable. I wanted to apologize to my friends if I acted different yesterday. I am better today and I just wanted to let you know. As for my family who reads my blog (I know you do)..... PLEASE just let the desire to call and talk about this stop. I am fine, really.... I am doing good. I am just not in the mood to say much more than this and I am not really up for opinion or advise.... Consider this issue dropped and lets move forward... shall we? Thanks :)
Friday, July 27, 2012
Unhinged?
Ever read a story with the expectation of it being an escape, but later find out it made you think? I just finished one last night/early this morning. While I could have probably had it done earlier, I took a break to spend some time with an old friend that is in town to visit, so sue me that I decided to finish reading this book later than planned and that I want to share my thoughts on this book in today's blog......
The book is called "Crazy For You", by Jennifer Crusie. When I found it at the library a a little over a few days ago, I was already rereading something from my Kindle and made this book wait its turn. It is a different author than Janet Evanovich and her Stephanie Plum series, her "Full" series, her Barney Barnaby series and her dozen or so romance novels (of all I have managed to read this summer). I have tried to find something that was an entertaining read that happened to be a "stand alone book"... you know.... not a series. One book called "Beautiful Sacrifice" was so boring and filled with descriptive phrases about Myan/Aztec history, I actually screamed at the book while I read it out of frustration. It reminded me of the writing styles of Dan Brown and "The Lost Symbol". Fortunately, this book was not as long and drawn out.... It only took me 2 days to read it instead of the 3 weeks the Dan Brown took me last year.
Well, when it came to this "Crazy For You" book, I was fortunate enough to at least look up the reviews before considering this author as a possible new choice for the summer. Her reviews were high and the raving over this book looked promising that I would not have a repeat performance of what I coined, "my Myan misery novel". With high hopes for some laughs (as it was stated in the reviews), I barely got one. The start of the book lacked the fluidity of authors past; there were too many characters with lacking introductions; there was a total lack of any foundation of a story, that is, until I was a little over half way through the book. Then.... things got interesting. Not to offer a spoiler to those interested in reading this book, I decided to offer the best and briefest synopsis from my feelings.....
A 30-something woman in a small town in Ohio has the "perfect" life. Just an average girl with a good job, an overly nice boyfriend, and the knack of being a person that always accepts compromise. In fact, her life is so predictable it bores her to the brink of insanity. She is not one to ask for anything for herself, but she also lacks adventure or as she mentions in the book..... zing. All it takes is for her to fall in love with a stray dog that she decides to keep against the wishes of her boyfriend that the whole town loves to make some drastic changes in her life in search of something different and exciting. She breaks up with her boyfriend, moves out, and shares her quest for the "more" she so desperately feels she needs. While she is considered "the rational one" by everyone she knows, the rationality takes a turn in all the lives that surround her. Her best friend makes a spectacle of herself to get more attention from her loving husband, her mother kicks out her husband and moves in her lesbian lover that she has kept a secret for over 20 years, and the main character pursues her sister's ex-husband that has had feelings for her for over 20 years, but did nothing after the divorce, and...... her recently ex-boyfriend becomes delusional and unhinged over the breakup (of which he believes is only temporary insanity on her behalf). Her life becomes more than she bargained for when her ex stalks her and becomes violent when she just refuses to hear what he has to say. Of course, there are some other characters that intertwine in the story like the sexy bank employee that sets her sights on only married men, a bitter hair salon owner jaded by her ex-husband's advances to get her back after he is dumped by the home-wrecking bank employee, and the short-sighted young new Principal at the school that happens to do the wrong thing. Way too much drama for such a small town, but this author manages to pull it together at the end well.
I guess what managed to get me to think is how one idea of seeking more out of life can create such an upheaval of emotions and actions. The insight of the unhinged mind of the ex-boyfriend and his actions going from innocent to downright scary. It made me think about the stalker ex-boyfriend from my past. Fortunately, he never turned violent. He just followed me for years after we broke up to watch what I was doing. When I finally figured it out and confronted him.... the stalking stopped. It is the thought after reading this book that there is always potential for someone to have a hard time with change and take things to a scary level. Thus, making the title so relevant to the story line. While I thought of it as a cute little notion of someone being smitten, I never thought it would highlight a much darker and sinister meaning. Definitely, an eye opener for me when I read the book. I have no complaints about the book and will probably get something else from this author today when the library opens since I am out of books to read. It is a nice little shift of genre from the romance novels that I have been reading and could possibly be where I need to go so I can smoothly reduce my need to have my nose planted in a book from morning until night. This reading jag has gotten out of control this summer. Time to transition into something different before I totally kill my love of reading. Maybe I can start making jewelry again or pick up my paintbrush or find some other thing to keep my mind busy and avoid trying to change my life too much. As a character in the book explains (not in the exact words... just parts put together from the book) the journey that I have trying to take in mine with DH (without moving out on my family, of course).... "Women like to feel the man that they are with actually sees them as different and special. When they are not looked upon or attended to as being the most special gift in their men's life like when the relationship started.... they feel as if they are taken for granted and not seen as the vital need anymore. Think about it.... What was your wife wearing today? If you cannot remember... then complacency has taken over and the spark of vitality in the relationship has disappeared. When a woman tries to get you to notice her, it is a sign that they feel under-appreciated. What they want is for the man to want to do things without being told to do so. It is not wanting to ask for it, but be offered freely because they want to is what matters most. Just shaking things up a little to stop the complacency and predictability is what we need when the relationship feels stale so the years ahead won't feel so dull." Well, that about sums it up for today....
Have a great day everyone!!
The book is called "Crazy For You", by Jennifer Crusie. When I found it at the library a a little over a few days ago, I was already rereading something from my Kindle and made this book wait its turn. It is a different author than Janet Evanovich and her Stephanie Plum series, her "Full" series, her Barney Barnaby series and her dozen or so romance novels (of all I have managed to read this summer). I have tried to find something that was an entertaining read that happened to be a "stand alone book"... you know.... not a series. One book called "Beautiful Sacrifice" was so boring and filled with descriptive phrases about Myan/Aztec history, I actually screamed at the book while I read it out of frustration. It reminded me of the writing styles of Dan Brown and "The Lost Symbol". Fortunately, this book was not as long and drawn out.... It only took me 2 days to read it instead of the 3 weeks the Dan Brown took me last year.
Well, when it came to this "Crazy For You" book, I was fortunate enough to at least look up the reviews before considering this author as a possible new choice for the summer. Her reviews were high and the raving over this book looked promising that I would not have a repeat performance of what I coined, "my Myan misery novel". With high hopes for some laughs (as it was stated in the reviews), I barely got one. The start of the book lacked the fluidity of authors past; there were too many characters with lacking introductions; there was a total lack of any foundation of a story, that is, until I was a little over half way through the book. Then.... things got interesting. Not to offer a spoiler to those interested in reading this book, I decided to offer the best and briefest synopsis from my feelings.....
A 30-something woman in a small town in Ohio has the "perfect" life. Just an average girl with a good job, an overly nice boyfriend, and the knack of being a person that always accepts compromise. In fact, her life is so predictable it bores her to the brink of insanity. She is not one to ask for anything for herself, but she also lacks adventure or as she mentions in the book..... zing. All it takes is for her to fall in love with a stray dog that she decides to keep against the wishes of her boyfriend that the whole town loves to make some drastic changes in her life in search of something different and exciting. She breaks up with her boyfriend, moves out, and shares her quest for the "more" she so desperately feels she needs. While she is considered "the rational one" by everyone she knows, the rationality takes a turn in all the lives that surround her. Her best friend makes a spectacle of herself to get more attention from her loving husband, her mother kicks out her husband and moves in her lesbian lover that she has kept a secret for over 20 years, and the main character pursues her sister's ex-husband that has had feelings for her for over 20 years, but did nothing after the divorce, and...... her recently ex-boyfriend becomes delusional and unhinged over the breakup (of which he believes is only temporary insanity on her behalf). Her life becomes more than she bargained for when her ex stalks her and becomes violent when she just refuses to hear what he has to say. Of course, there are some other characters that intertwine in the story like the sexy bank employee that sets her sights on only married men, a bitter hair salon owner jaded by her ex-husband's advances to get her back after he is dumped by the home-wrecking bank employee, and the short-sighted young new Principal at the school that happens to do the wrong thing. Way too much drama for such a small town, but this author manages to pull it together at the end well.
I guess what managed to get me to think is how one idea of seeking more out of life can create such an upheaval of emotions and actions. The insight of the unhinged mind of the ex-boyfriend and his actions going from innocent to downright scary. It made me think about the stalker ex-boyfriend from my past. Fortunately, he never turned violent. He just followed me for years after we broke up to watch what I was doing. When I finally figured it out and confronted him.... the stalking stopped. It is the thought after reading this book that there is always potential for someone to have a hard time with change and take things to a scary level. Thus, making the title so relevant to the story line. While I thought of it as a cute little notion of someone being smitten, I never thought it would highlight a much darker and sinister meaning. Definitely, an eye opener for me when I read the book. I have no complaints about the book and will probably get something else from this author today when the library opens since I am out of books to read. It is a nice little shift of genre from the romance novels that I have been reading and could possibly be where I need to go so I can smoothly reduce my need to have my nose planted in a book from morning until night. This reading jag has gotten out of control this summer. Time to transition into something different before I totally kill my love of reading. Maybe I can start making jewelry again or pick up my paintbrush or find some other thing to keep my mind busy and avoid trying to change my life too much. As a character in the book explains (not in the exact words... just parts put together from the book) the journey that I have trying to take in mine with DH (without moving out on my family, of course).... "Women like to feel the man that they are with actually sees them as different and special. When they are not looked upon or attended to as being the most special gift in their men's life like when the relationship started.... they feel as if they are taken for granted and not seen as the vital need anymore. Think about it.... What was your wife wearing today? If you cannot remember... then complacency has taken over and the spark of vitality in the relationship has disappeared. When a woman tries to get you to notice her, it is a sign that they feel under-appreciated. What they want is for the man to want to do things without being told to do so. It is not wanting to ask for it, but be offered freely because they want to is what matters most. Just shaking things up a little to stop the complacency and predictability is what we need when the relationship feels stale so the years ahead won't feel so dull." Well, that about sums it up for today....
Have a great day everyone!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Turning the tables.....
Good afternoon! I know that this is going to be an afternoon blog by the fact that I am trying to type without the aid of my glasses. So, if you see a fair number of typo's you understand why.....
So lets get this started, shall we?
Ever wonder what would happen if you turned the tables on someone? If you are not familiar with the phrase turning the tables, well, let me give you a refresher.... Turning the tables is a way of acting in a way that is not expected towards someone. Example: If you happen to drive by a construction site and hear the whistles and wolf-calls from the workers having apparently too much time on their hands, you would understand how uncomfortable it is. Not that I would complain of getting a little attention here and there, but when it is not wanted..... well, it beings on an unsettling feeling that you are looked upon as a piece of meat to a hungry lion. Now, what would you think would happen if you did the pursuing act of flirting?
I was a little curious what would happen.... Well, today happened to have the opportunity to present itself and here are my findings.....
I was driving down the road, on the way to the chiropractor. I had a spasm that decided to hit at the right time of the day and not in the wee hours of the morning or in the middle of the night. Perfect, I say, because it was on a morning that I knew that my chiropractor buddy was going to be in the office and can work on the issue right away. The threat of allowing myself to pop a couple of Advil and melt an ice pack on the affected area to ease the pain usually ends up with me not facing the issue the right way and end up building up the issue to the point that I get carted off to the hospital in an ambulance and become drugged up on enough pain killers/muscle relaxers to kill a horse. Been there, done that, and I really do not want to go through that ever again... thank you... Well, as I was driving down the road, there is roughly 3 miles of road construction going on and the road is narrowed down to one lane of traffic each way. I still do not get the idea that cutting out chunks of road to refill it is a solid solution to proper road maintenance, but hey, who am I to judge, right? Some things are better left unexplained in my book. Okay, back to the subject at hand.... As I was stopped in traffic, I had a clear shot at looking at some workers toiling away in their little cut sections of the road and were drilling to put reinforcement bars in to connect the old with the new. My only guess is to avoid the new pieces from shifting or heaving after the next cold to warm weather snap hits and ruins all their "hard work" fixing the road. With a clear view of a worker's behind facing me, I watched what they were doing. I am such a learning whore, you know (ha ha ha). Well, as I watch these workers do their job, one of the workers managed to look over his shoulder and look straight at me. I will admit it.... he was really cute. Hey! I may be married, but I am not dead! I can at least look since I cannot touch, right? Well, as this guy is looking right at me, I figured I would take the "high road" when it came to flirting just for fun.... I lowered my sunglasses and smiled at him. I did not need to say anything... I just smiled at him.
Well, let me tell you this..... I never in my life have I ever seen a man blush like that! I did not think I had it in me to be that enchanting to make anyone blush (except for DD, of course). It actually felt good to see someone get a little uncomfortable from such an innocent act. By the time this guy could say or do anything, I popped my sunglasses back up and moved forward with the traffic. I doubt I would ever see this person again, but I can at least admit it was fun for me to let loose just a little and have some fun. Life gets too serious and it is a necessary thing to have a little fun. Even if it was at the expense of another. Well, chances are.... it just boosted his ego to insurmountable heights, but it actually kind of boosted my confidence level just a little by seeing that I can still flirt with class and actually see it appreciated by someone other than DH who is immune to my charms. Of course, I giggled all the way to the chiropractor's office and giggled all the way home, too.
Well, that was my fun little adventure for the day.... Now back to my usual routine of housework with my nose planted in a book. Have an enjoyable day everyone!! And thanks for reading....
So lets get this started, shall we?
Ever wonder what would happen if you turned the tables on someone? If you are not familiar with the phrase turning the tables, well, let me give you a refresher.... Turning the tables is a way of acting in a way that is not expected towards someone. Example: If you happen to drive by a construction site and hear the whistles and wolf-calls from the workers having apparently too much time on their hands, you would understand how uncomfortable it is. Not that I would complain of getting a little attention here and there, but when it is not wanted..... well, it beings on an unsettling feeling that you are looked upon as a piece of meat to a hungry lion. Now, what would you think would happen if you did the pursuing act of flirting?
I was a little curious what would happen.... Well, today happened to have the opportunity to present itself and here are my findings.....
I was driving down the road, on the way to the chiropractor. I had a spasm that decided to hit at the right time of the day and not in the wee hours of the morning or in the middle of the night. Perfect, I say, because it was on a morning that I knew that my chiropractor buddy was going to be in the office and can work on the issue right away. The threat of allowing myself to pop a couple of Advil and melt an ice pack on the affected area to ease the pain usually ends up with me not facing the issue the right way and end up building up the issue to the point that I get carted off to the hospital in an ambulance and become drugged up on enough pain killers/muscle relaxers to kill a horse. Been there, done that, and I really do not want to go through that ever again... thank you... Well, as I was driving down the road, there is roughly 3 miles of road construction going on and the road is narrowed down to one lane of traffic each way. I still do not get the idea that cutting out chunks of road to refill it is a solid solution to proper road maintenance, but hey, who am I to judge, right? Some things are better left unexplained in my book. Okay, back to the subject at hand.... As I was stopped in traffic, I had a clear shot at looking at some workers toiling away in their little cut sections of the road and were drilling to put reinforcement bars in to connect the old with the new. My only guess is to avoid the new pieces from shifting or heaving after the next cold to warm weather snap hits and ruins all their "hard work" fixing the road. With a clear view of a worker's behind facing me, I watched what they were doing. I am such a learning whore, you know (ha ha ha). Well, as I watch these workers do their job, one of the workers managed to look over his shoulder and look straight at me. I will admit it.... he was really cute. Hey! I may be married, but I am not dead! I can at least look since I cannot touch, right? Well, as this guy is looking right at me, I figured I would take the "high road" when it came to flirting just for fun.... I lowered my sunglasses and smiled at him. I did not need to say anything... I just smiled at him.
Well, let me tell you this..... I never in my life have I ever seen a man blush like that! I did not think I had it in me to be that enchanting to make anyone blush (except for DD, of course). It actually felt good to see someone get a little uncomfortable from such an innocent act. By the time this guy could say or do anything, I popped my sunglasses back up and moved forward with the traffic. I doubt I would ever see this person again, but I can at least admit it was fun for me to let loose just a little and have some fun. Life gets too serious and it is a necessary thing to have a little fun. Even if it was at the expense of another. Well, chances are.... it just boosted his ego to insurmountable heights, but it actually kind of boosted my confidence level just a little by seeing that I can still flirt with class and actually see it appreciated by someone other than DH who is immune to my charms. Of course, I giggled all the way to the chiropractor's office and giggled all the way home, too.
Well, that was my fun little adventure for the day.... Now back to my usual routine of housework with my nose planted in a book. Have an enjoyable day everyone!! And thanks for reading....
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Oh we are not so different.....
DH had a doctor's visit not too long ago. Well, there were 2 visits in a week to the same doctor. It was time for more blood work to be done, so one visit consisted of getting poked with a needle and the other was a visit to get the results. Gotta just love the system of how just stepping into a doctor's office consists of a co-pay requirement. Yep, the land of healthcare has its finger on the pulse of pushing the struggling down yet another peg towards having any concept of a savings account for the future.
Needless to say.... I already knew that DH was going to be put on cholesterol medications. It was just a matter of time. With his poor eating habits that center upon butter being a staple of his diet, I would have figured that this should have been done sooner than later. Oh well, what can I say? I am just a clueless wife in my husband's eyes, right? I have tried to change his eating habits for years (along with mine) and got burnt out with how our budget dictates what we can afford to eat. I have to thank my new overindulgence of reading that I have not gone off the deep end when it comes to food. When I am wrapped up in a good book... I barely eat. Sadly, starving through reading does not create a skinny person, but at least when it comes to food..... I am the cheapest one to feed in this house!
As DH tells me about his last visit with the doctor, he is holding nothing back when it came to his feelings about how the doctor has zero compassion for his patients. The criticism this doctor doles out about his weight, his cholesterol number, and anything else that he can muster up definitely slammed DH's feelings about himself. Sadly, when DH is not happy..... NOBODY IS HAPPY in our house. Well, DH decided to lay the burden of his feelings on my shoulders. As I have tried for years to get him to open up about his feelings.... I was not asking for this level of emotional baggage all at once. Apparently, men lack the ability to ease people into their level of emotions. Heck, I think I will need yet a second set of chiropractic appointments just to handle how his release of emotional frustration compressed my spine even more. Oh well, beggars cannot be choosers, right?
So, with DH all ready, willing and able to share his feelings.... I was exposed to whining that made me look like I am the stronger one in this family. The constant complaining about how the doctor is dissatisfied with DH's recent weight gain and how his cholesterol has been climbing was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back and released the floodgates of hell for me. I did find it funny that what DH whined about when it came to diet and weight loss..... I saw the similarity that women have when it comes to complaining about their weight loss journey to their spouses. Sadly, I am the one biting the bullet and listening to the constant nagging over how miserable DH is when it comes to eating in moderation. DH whined about how hard it is to lose 11 pounds over the past 2 weeks and how his attempts will never be good enough for his doctor's expectations. REALLY?!?!?!? You are worried about someone else's expectations???? Oh honey, you are preaching to the choir, here! I have been struggling to meet your expectations for years and always seem to fall short! The moment I decided to man-up and stop being such a girl, he decides to hit me with his sensitive side. Sadly, his sensitive side has zero focus on me, of course.... Yep, he is looking for a pity party from me and I just cannot give it to him....
"Well, dear," I say in the nicest tone possible, "I understand your dilemma and believe me... it is no walk in the park to lose weight and get your cholesterol in check by diet alone."
His reply was more like a quest for an answer to solve the issue at hand without changing his habits... "I just cannot see myself giving up my cheese and butter and my beer to make this person happy. I quit smoking, I take walks every night (just around the block, so you know), and I stopped going for second servings when it comes to eat. What does this whack-job, crack-pot doctor want me to do?"
I tired to stifle my sigh of resignation to his plight because I already know that no matter what I say will not mean a hill of beans anyway and figured since he never listens to me anyway..... it will not hurt to be completely candid with my answer..... "Only you can change your picky ways and do what is necessary to change your eating habits. I have tried for far too long and it is your turn to take the bull by the horns and do something about it. Our budget dictates what we can buy to eat, but it is your junk-food love that dictates what is bought. You need to go from no vegetables in your diet to eating vegetables consistently, fruit is actually good for you, but you are not the first in line to eat that stuff. You make a face when I offer you a yogurt as a snack, and if you really knew what serving size is, you would beg to be put down like "Old Yeller". Oh, and by the way, your parent's gift of bratwurst is not screaming healthy food choice, either, for fixing your car. While moderation is key, you have to realize that the choices you prefer to have exceed the daily fat, sodium, and calorie count a person should have a day when you eat more than one. You wondered why I choose ground chicken or ground turkey to make your God forsaken tacos.... well honey, that is so they can appear just a little healthier than eating the cheapest ground beef there is and that I could breathe a little easier that you can be somewhere closer to the park of eating healthier. I do care, but I am running out of ideas to help you if you are not willing to try. The ball is in your court.... you need to up yourself somewhere..... Grow up or man-up, the choice is yours. I am not your mother and I am not your doctor."
You know... with this new attitude of not getting so involved with feelings, I am starting to wonder when it is going to work in my favor because I am still getting frustrated. Either I am letting it bother me or DH found a loophole in my plan, but things have got to change. Oh well, time to get this day going. I wonder what DH has in mind for what he wants to eat for the week. I know that it won't include fruit, vegetables, yogurt or fish. Sigh, just let it go, Nance, just let it go..... Have a good one everybody!
Needless to say.... I already knew that DH was going to be put on cholesterol medications. It was just a matter of time. With his poor eating habits that center upon butter being a staple of his diet, I would have figured that this should have been done sooner than later. Oh well, what can I say? I am just a clueless wife in my husband's eyes, right? I have tried to change his eating habits for years (along with mine) and got burnt out with how our budget dictates what we can afford to eat. I have to thank my new overindulgence of reading that I have not gone off the deep end when it comes to food. When I am wrapped up in a good book... I barely eat. Sadly, starving through reading does not create a skinny person, but at least when it comes to food..... I am the cheapest one to feed in this house!
As DH tells me about his last visit with the doctor, he is holding nothing back when it came to his feelings about how the doctor has zero compassion for his patients. The criticism this doctor doles out about his weight, his cholesterol number, and anything else that he can muster up definitely slammed DH's feelings about himself. Sadly, when DH is not happy..... NOBODY IS HAPPY in our house. Well, DH decided to lay the burden of his feelings on my shoulders. As I have tried for years to get him to open up about his feelings.... I was not asking for this level of emotional baggage all at once. Apparently, men lack the ability to ease people into their level of emotions. Heck, I think I will need yet a second set of chiropractic appointments just to handle how his release of emotional frustration compressed my spine even more. Oh well, beggars cannot be choosers, right?
So, with DH all ready, willing and able to share his feelings.... I was exposed to whining that made me look like I am the stronger one in this family. The constant complaining about how the doctor is dissatisfied with DH's recent weight gain and how his cholesterol has been climbing was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back and released the floodgates of hell for me. I did find it funny that what DH whined about when it came to diet and weight loss..... I saw the similarity that women have when it comes to complaining about their weight loss journey to their spouses. Sadly, I am the one biting the bullet and listening to the constant nagging over how miserable DH is when it comes to eating in moderation. DH whined about how hard it is to lose 11 pounds over the past 2 weeks and how his attempts will never be good enough for his doctor's expectations. REALLY?!?!?!? You are worried about someone else's expectations???? Oh honey, you are preaching to the choir, here! I have been struggling to meet your expectations for years and always seem to fall short! The moment I decided to man-up and stop being such a girl, he decides to hit me with his sensitive side. Sadly, his sensitive side has zero focus on me, of course.... Yep, he is looking for a pity party from me and I just cannot give it to him....
"Well, dear," I say in the nicest tone possible, "I understand your dilemma and believe me... it is no walk in the park to lose weight and get your cholesterol in check by diet alone."
His reply was more like a quest for an answer to solve the issue at hand without changing his habits... "I just cannot see myself giving up my cheese and butter and my beer to make this person happy. I quit smoking, I take walks every night (just around the block, so you know), and I stopped going for second servings when it comes to eat. What does this whack-job, crack-pot doctor want me to do?"
I tired to stifle my sigh of resignation to his plight because I already know that no matter what I say will not mean a hill of beans anyway and figured since he never listens to me anyway..... it will not hurt to be completely candid with my answer..... "Only you can change your picky ways and do what is necessary to change your eating habits. I have tried for far too long and it is your turn to take the bull by the horns and do something about it. Our budget dictates what we can buy to eat, but it is your junk-food love that dictates what is bought. You need to go from no vegetables in your diet to eating vegetables consistently, fruit is actually good for you, but you are not the first in line to eat that stuff. You make a face when I offer you a yogurt as a snack, and if you really knew what serving size is, you would beg to be put down like "Old Yeller". Oh, and by the way, your parent's gift of bratwurst is not screaming healthy food choice, either, for fixing your car. While moderation is key, you have to realize that the choices you prefer to have exceed the daily fat, sodium, and calorie count a person should have a day when you eat more than one. You wondered why I choose ground chicken or ground turkey to make your God forsaken tacos.... well honey, that is so they can appear just a little healthier than eating the cheapest ground beef there is and that I could breathe a little easier that you can be somewhere closer to the park of eating healthier. I do care, but I am running out of ideas to help you if you are not willing to try. The ball is in your court.... you need to up yourself somewhere..... Grow up or man-up, the choice is yours. I am not your mother and I am not your doctor."
You know... with this new attitude of not getting so involved with feelings, I am starting to wonder when it is going to work in my favor because I am still getting frustrated. Either I am letting it bother me or DH found a loophole in my plan, but things have got to change. Oh well, time to get this day going. I wonder what DH has in mind for what he wants to eat for the week. I know that it won't include fruit, vegetables, yogurt or fish. Sigh, just let it go, Nance, just let it go..... Have a good one everybody!
Friday, July 20, 2012
I've got your number, kiddo......
Okay, late blog, but figured I should get it out of my system before heading off to bed. Yep, it is after 11pm on a Friday night and here I am..... at home with at least something to read. Sadly, it is rereading a book I already read because I did not go to the library when I wanted to! Yep, my Friday nights usually consist of waiting for DH to come home after his "weekly decompression" session, which consists of beer with the boys, but tonight I had to wait up for yet another person to come home..... DD. Yep, DD went to a tween pool party at the local park district with a friend. I was aware that this pool party was going to be coming around some time this summer, but did not pay all that much attention as to when this shindig was to happen. I get a last minute asking for this thing and figured that she should not be trapped in the house all summer and agreed to let her go. In fact, I was looking forward to some quiet time anyway. I got a some piece and quiet until the 10:00 news and I was going to enjoy it. Her boredom consists of talking way too much to fill the dim of the day.
Well, DD happens to own a swimsuit. I bought her only one this summer because she really does not need more than one. Well, the frugality of DH really only allows the barest of necessities and having more than one swimsuit was considered being extravagant and wasteful of money that is needed elsewhere. If DH can keep such a tight grip on the family finances.... well, I can be just as stingy. Leaves little room for argument in my eyes, and when it comes to avoiding confrontation..... I am all for it.
As the day slipped through our fingers with other things to do, DD asks if I would take her shopping for a new swimsuit. "Really, DD, the swimsuit you have is just fine to wear to this pool party. Why do you need another one?" I ask. "Well, Mom", she says with a sigh, "I am tired of wearing a one-piece swimsuit and really want to have a bikini." I already knew that she is hitting that pivotal age where boys are getting interesting, to say the least. I was her age once and I can remember the desire to dress a certain way to get the attention of a boy I liked. I can only guess that rumor has spread that this particular boy was going to this pool party and she wanted to snag his attention. I looked at my darling daughter and said, "What is his name?" The look on her face was priceless. Like a deer being dazed by the glare of headlights. To break the silence that she finally managed to create after a full day of talking my ears off, I proceeded to trudge forward. "The boy", I said a little louder, "what is is name?"
"Oh, Mom", she says with a stunned tone, "there is no boy. I just want to wear a bikini to this pool party. Why would you think that?" "Oh sweetie, I was your age once", I said with cynicism dripping from my voice, "I am fully aware that this day would come and I am so prepared for this. You may think you can pull one over on your father, but this mama was not raised a fool. I know better. I was you age once." You see, I am a very protective parent. I have been to the local pools and I have seen how the kids act. It reminds me of when I was her age and how boys and girls that used to think the opposite sex was 'yucky' and 'gross' suddenly start becoming interested in one another. Usually, girls notice it first since it is well known that girls mature faster than boys. Heck, I have proof! DH is nearing the big 5-0 and still acts like a child. There are days where I think I have become his mother with all that I do for him. Apparently, I was told by a friend that I probably managed to have his man card revoked with all that I do, but if he had an inkling at how impatient I have become over the years.... he would step up his game and get his man card back!
Well, I knew that DD was going to ask why I always get her one-piece swimsuits eventually, and today was the day..... You see, back in my day, things were a little more innocent. There were no daily news reports of crimes against children, and there were no stories of sexual predators. Chances are, there were probably stories back then, but I never heard as many reports back then as I do now. I knew that I was going to go into mama bear mode the day I became a mother. I have been vigilant in protecting DD from the dangers. I signed her up for martial arts lessons so she can learn how to defend herself because I know that I am not meant to be on this planet forever, nor am I going to be hanging over her shoulder all the time, so getting her to be street-smart and self-reliant was high on the list of what she needed to learn. I was never coddled as a child and I learned a lot the hard way. I figured that if she understood my determination to keep her safe, she would be less of a defiant daughter.
So as I explained to her the reasons why I am not a fan of bikinis.... They are too revealing and leave virtually nothing to the public's imagination, they are not as durable when diving/jumping into the pool, and really..... who thinks it is such a great idea to swim in something that has the same material level as underwear? Okay, call me "old fashioned", but I am not really in the mood for smacking some little pervert if he tries to get fresh with my child. Believe me, I would be the first in line to defend my daughter's virtue, but if I did not have to.... well, that is less aggravation on my part. DH might be quick, but I am quicker.
I know that hormones are to blame. The interest in makeup, the interest in wearing a bikini, the interest in how to dress to impress.... it all has a reason. Her fascination with high heels may have been cute when she was 4, but now it makes me cringe at how grown up she is becoming. Maybe I am not ready for her to be so grown up, maybe I am not in the mood to becoming the worrisome parent when my child is old enough to go out on a date just yet, and maybe I still have a trust issue when it comes to her. She has done some lying in the past, she even kept important information from me, and she definitely has broken the rules when it came to her personal safety a couple of times. Fortunately, the risks have be very low, but I do not want to see the risk get any higher. I understand that defiance is a rite of passage and keeping secrets is her way of protecting herself from waking mama bear from her slumber (I may seem nice on the outside, but poke this bear and there will be destruction in my wake. It is a guarantee.) While I hope that she has enough street-smarts about her, I know that the boundaries will be tested. She has her father's tendencies and her mother's tenacity.... Looks like me, but acts like her father. The stories I have heard about her father's escapades as a child is a concern for me. She may not follow his footsteps exactly, but he was pretty sneaky, snarky, and creative in his escapades. I am just a little more quick witted and aware.
Needless to say, I still did not get an answer, but this mama bear is going to remain on high alert. She has no clue how smart and resourceful I can be. Her friends see it and fear me for it, but they trust me enough to tell me the truth. That is all that I can hope for right now.....
Well, DD happens to own a swimsuit. I bought her only one this summer because she really does not need more than one. Well, the frugality of DH really only allows the barest of necessities and having more than one swimsuit was considered being extravagant and wasteful of money that is needed elsewhere. If DH can keep such a tight grip on the family finances.... well, I can be just as stingy. Leaves little room for argument in my eyes, and when it comes to avoiding confrontation..... I am all for it.
As the day slipped through our fingers with other things to do, DD asks if I would take her shopping for a new swimsuit. "Really, DD, the swimsuit you have is just fine to wear to this pool party. Why do you need another one?" I ask. "Well, Mom", she says with a sigh, "I am tired of wearing a one-piece swimsuit and really want to have a bikini." I already knew that she is hitting that pivotal age where boys are getting interesting, to say the least. I was her age once and I can remember the desire to dress a certain way to get the attention of a boy I liked. I can only guess that rumor has spread that this particular boy was going to this pool party and she wanted to snag his attention. I looked at my darling daughter and said, "What is his name?" The look on her face was priceless. Like a deer being dazed by the glare of headlights. To break the silence that she finally managed to create after a full day of talking my ears off, I proceeded to trudge forward. "The boy", I said a little louder, "what is is name?"
"Oh, Mom", she says with a stunned tone, "there is no boy. I just want to wear a bikini to this pool party. Why would you think that?" "Oh sweetie, I was your age once", I said with cynicism dripping from my voice, "I am fully aware that this day would come and I am so prepared for this. You may think you can pull one over on your father, but this mama was not raised a fool. I know better. I was you age once." You see, I am a very protective parent. I have been to the local pools and I have seen how the kids act. It reminds me of when I was her age and how boys and girls that used to think the opposite sex was 'yucky' and 'gross' suddenly start becoming interested in one another. Usually, girls notice it first since it is well known that girls mature faster than boys. Heck, I have proof! DH is nearing the big 5-0 and still acts like a child. There are days where I think I have become his mother with all that I do for him. Apparently, I was told by a friend that I probably managed to have his man card revoked with all that I do, but if he had an inkling at how impatient I have become over the years.... he would step up his game and get his man card back!
Well, I knew that DD was going to ask why I always get her one-piece swimsuits eventually, and today was the day..... You see, back in my day, things were a little more innocent. There were no daily news reports of crimes against children, and there were no stories of sexual predators. Chances are, there were probably stories back then, but I never heard as many reports back then as I do now. I knew that I was going to go into mama bear mode the day I became a mother. I have been vigilant in protecting DD from the dangers. I signed her up for martial arts lessons so she can learn how to defend herself because I know that I am not meant to be on this planet forever, nor am I going to be hanging over her shoulder all the time, so getting her to be street-smart and self-reliant was high on the list of what she needed to learn. I was never coddled as a child and I learned a lot the hard way. I figured that if she understood my determination to keep her safe, she would be less of a defiant daughter.
So as I explained to her the reasons why I am not a fan of bikinis.... They are too revealing and leave virtually nothing to the public's imagination, they are not as durable when diving/jumping into the pool, and really..... who thinks it is such a great idea to swim in something that has the same material level as underwear? Okay, call me "old fashioned", but I am not really in the mood for smacking some little pervert if he tries to get fresh with my child. Believe me, I would be the first in line to defend my daughter's virtue, but if I did not have to.... well, that is less aggravation on my part. DH might be quick, but I am quicker.
I know that hormones are to blame. The interest in makeup, the interest in wearing a bikini, the interest in how to dress to impress.... it all has a reason. Her fascination with high heels may have been cute when she was 4, but now it makes me cringe at how grown up she is becoming. Maybe I am not ready for her to be so grown up, maybe I am not in the mood to becoming the worrisome parent when my child is old enough to go out on a date just yet, and maybe I still have a trust issue when it comes to her. She has done some lying in the past, she even kept important information from me, and she definitely has broken the rules when it came to her personal safety a couple of times. Fortunately, the risks have be very low, but I do not want to see the risk get any higher. I understand that defiance is a rite of passage and keeping secrets is her way of protecting herself from waking mama bear from her slumber (I may seem nice on the outside, but poke this bear and there will be destruction in my wake. It is a guarantee.) While I hope that she has enough street-smarts about her, I know that the boundaries will be tested. She has her father's tendencies and her mother's tenacity.... Looks like me, but acts like her father. The stories I have heard about her father's escapades as a child is a concern for me. She may not follow his footsteps exactly, but he was pretty sneaky, snarky, and creative in his escapades. I am just a little more quick witted and aware.
Needless to say, I still did not get an answer, but this mama bear is going to remain on high alert. She has no clue how smart and resourceful I can be. Her friends see it and fear me for it, but they trust me enough to tell me the truth. That is all that I can hope for right now.....
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