Good evening! Took me a while to think about blogging. Way too much swimming around in my head. Most of it is regarding control of emotions.... I am the master of my own domain!!
Sigh. Life is full of disappointments. Not all the time, but there is a fair amount of it. I mean.... Come on!! Life was never meant to be a bowl of cherries, floating down a chocolate river, through a mystical land of rainbows and unicorns. Life is what it is and what we do with it. Not all of it is going to be happy. Some of it will be downright depressing!!
Alcohol is the elixir for brutal honesty, or so I have been told. What alcohol does to a person can vary in emotion. While there are some that can be relaxed and happy after a few drinks, there are some that can become violent and unpredictable. I have experienced it all. I recall dating a man that whenever he had a drink.... it was a total crap-shoot to what his behavior would be. He had violent tendencies if he crossed the threshold of limitations and it scared me enough to run away and never look back. It never got to the point where I was physically abused, but there was no doubt in my mind that it could easily get to that point. Alcoholism is a scary thing to see and an even scarier thing to deal with. I have seen with my own eyes, the simplicity of needing so much that when you lack it.... it can alter a persons coping abilities. I have no doubt that alcoholism exists in my family tree. While I would never have the strength to tell someone to their face that they have a drinking problem, I do have the ability to avoid the issue and make up excuses for them to lessen the reality of the problem. I know it comes from trying to understand the illness and why there is such a strong pull for people to rely upon what is in the bottle (or can or glass) instead of facing the issue face to face. While I can read a book to escape the harsh reality bestowed upon me, it is far less destructive than the impaired behavior from a beverage. My house may not be as pristine as it was this past winter, but nobody gets hurt from escaping in the pages of a book.
What manages to make things difficult is when there is no more determination to try to fix what has been broken for years. I know that people need to fins a release from the stress of a dismal economy, the stress from the demands of their job, the frustration of feeling unappreciated, and even the exhaustion of repeated failures. The challenges we face every day may seem small to others, but feel quite big to us. It is how we choose to handle these challenges that can make them big or small issues. Denial is never the answer and compromise just prolongs the outcome.
DH and I have been skirting some issues that most likely will never be fixed. Compromise and consideration is to blame. We offer excuses that explain away problems that could easily be fixed if we tried to work together. We just can't. We have the tendency to accept things as they are and remain in denial. In fact, we are very patient people that would do what needs to be done instead of ask again for help. Of course, I just get stuff done when it needs to be done because my family has stronger resolve to not do a darn thing..... no matter how much we need to get it done. But sadly, there comes a time when the ability to let things get placed upon the back burner is no longer an option and there needs to be release. That is when the time we spent swallowing down the frustration did not prepare us to communicate as well as we should and hurtful words are said. Verbal abuse is just as painful as physical. There are no bruises or marks to show, but the pain is just as immense. I should know.... I have been a recipient of verbal banter that can break the spirit of a normal person. I have become stronger from it, but I am not invincible. I find things as an outlet to control the pain I suffer and find a smile to share to the world.
Yesterday was a tough day to get my head in the game that we call life. I work in an environment that takes pride in dealing with people. Hairdressers are more than that person that cuts your hair..... we are the non-paid psychologist/therapist that cannot be submitted to insurance. We hear your problems, we share opinions, and we do our best to have you feel better about yourself before you walk out of the salon. Clients do not need to see that life affects us also and that we have issues to deal with that are quite painful. We are professionals and that is required of us to remain stable, pleasantly calm, and level-headed. If only they knew how hard it is to separate home life from work, or even separate the issues from the non-issues. We treat each person as a blank slate and never let disappointments from other people intertwine. You never hold a grudge from one client to the next... no matter how easy it can be to do that. Normally, my issues are well controlled and I am the perfect professional. It was a situation that I did not ask for the previous evening that made things hard. When I am trying to control my feelings for the sake of others.... I manage to become really quiet. As long as there is no acts of kindness sent my way (which means no hugs or offers of encouragement to talk things over), I can diffuse the situation rather quickly and move forward, but when I have been personally attacked verbally by someone that I am supposed to love and that they love me.... it is just a little harder to get control that quick. It takes me a few days to cool off.
Sadly, Friday night was a war brewing under the surface of DH. Friday nights, being his drinking night with the boys, makes it the toughest night for me. I am not sure if the usually jovial man I married is going to crack jokes or verbally slam me into a wall. Yep, DH.... everybody's pal and such a nice guy is not always as nice to me as he is towards his friends. No, he would never hit me physically, but he definitely has a very intimidating tone about him.... especially towards me. As I was told.... you really only hurt the ones you love, and I guess he must really love me with that intimidating tone he freely throws my way. Any weaker of a person would have ran years ago, but here I am..... almost 16 years with this man and I take the verbal blows like a champ. Not sure why I get them, but if this is my superhero power to take verbal emasculation for the greater good of all.... well, then I am one awesome super hero!! I really do not know what I did to deserve such an honor, if you want to call it that, but it is pushing me to a breaking point. If I could run away and never look lack, I would, but I can't. I have actually had dreams of handing over divorce papers, just to see the shocked look in his face, but I have no plans.... yet. It has been months since our last verbal tiff, and this, I guess was something that was long overdue. I have an obligation to make this marriage work.... no matter the cost because I made a promise on the day I said, "I do" almost 14 years ago. I vowed to work at this marriage, but I am getting tired. All I know is that I do love DH, but I am just not all that fond of him right now.
I am proud of my ability to control the pain yesterday for work, I managed it when I was back at home, and I even managed it quite well while I was out with friends last night. Today has been an easier day and chances are..... tomorrow will get a little better. Eventually, things will get back to normal and somewhat happy.... well more or less just comfortable and predictable. I wanted to apologize to my friends if I acted different yesterday. I am better today and I just wanted to let you know. As for my family who reads my blog (I know you do)..... PLEASE just let the desire to call and talk about this stop. I am fine, really.... I am doing good. I am just not in the mood to say much more than this and I am not really up for opinion or advise.... Consider this issue dropped and lets move forward... shall we? Thanks :)
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