Beauty should not be based upon what is seen, but what is felt. Sadly, we are all too familiar with what is on the outside than what is on the inside. Well, it is far easier to see what is in front of us than look deeper into who the person really is.
I guess my reason for sharing that thought is because I needed to release the ache that resides just under my skin.
I know that my feelings have been hurt for a long time. A lot of it is superficial stuff; frustration from other things, stress in the air, poor communication skills and fear. Only today I somehow managed to add yet another thing to that list of what makes it hard for people to see beyond the surface and see the beauty that comes from within.... It is predictable comfort. Well, that is the best description I can offer right now. The right word has been sitting in the back of my mind, but cannot come forward.
Predictable comfort is what people tend to get into when their surroundings are so relaxed and familiar.... broken-in, if you can think of it that way. Just like that ratty, old pair of slippers that sit next to the bed, or that worn-down, but comfortable pair of jeans that get worn more than the others that hang in the closet or is folded into a drawer. It is that predictability that it will always be there, waiting for you. While I describe this, it sounds more like what beauty and love should entail. That love of something that is no longer new, but is a part of who you are and what you like. Sadly, it is not the case when it comes to attraction or even appreciation of the beauty a person happens to have. When there is predictable comfort, there is a lack of focus on the appearance and a lack of appreciation that is needed. Maybe I should have used cars instead of the comfortable things we have in our homes. When we get a new car, we are enamored with its appearance... It's sleek lines, the absence of rust, the purr of a finely tuned engine, and maybe that new car smell. After time marches forward, that beautiful machine we purchased starts to lack all those attributes that attracted us to purchase that car; it starts to rust, there are dents or dings on that sleek exterior, that soft purr of the finely tuned engine starts to sound a little louder, and that new car smell has faded away. There is still love for the car, but the superficial beauty that attracted us is gone and all that there is left is reliable comfort. It is no longer something admired, but it is reliable. I think that is what my problem is when it comes to my need for DH to appreciate me more like when I was new to him and not be appreciated as the rusted piece of metal that is coined as Old Reliable.... The love is still there, but it is less intense. With people, as in cars, we can do things to spruce things up, but what we really want is something that is less superficial and more emotional.
Even as I tried to describe this as a car, I still see problems in getting my point across. Really, I seriously doubt that DH is shopping around for a new wife like he would for a new car. He appreciates the classics. I just feel more like the rusted out truck that sits in my driveway all summer. It looks absolutely awful, but it still runs like a champ. Granted, he still is assured that it will always remain reliable, he no longer appreciates the look of it anymore. HA! That is what I am feeling like.... a rusted, old, 1992 Ford F-150 with faded paint, rust, and in need of some new tires. The engine is in great running order, but no longer the first choice in transportation. I am no longer thought of first. Not that I have asked to be, and I would sure hope he thinks of his daughter first, but I feel more like that option that offers a grunted sigh of resignation when all other options are not feasible.... Just call me Old Reliable! Lately, I have been feeling as resigned as that truck in my driveway. Heck, if that truck could talk, it would tell me a story that I am oh, so familiar with. In all honesty, I really like the truck. If it got some much needed TLC, it could be a great truck again. But DH thinks it would be better to find a better truck on the outside and transplant the reliable engine from Old Reliable and give this choice of transportation new life. He wants the exterior to be pretty again because he lacks the vision to look beyond the rust and faded paint to see the beauty this vehicle has. Kind of like when I mentioned that beauty should be felt instead of seen to be fully appreciated.
How sad is that???? No wonder why I feel so unappreciated and unhappy! That metaphor of his truck is the story of my life! No wonder why I am so unhappy with myself and my situation!! I have seriously tried to look better for him and he still sees me as his rusted old truck that sits in our driveway! I am so unhappy that I cannot lose the weight I have gained over the years... I have become an emotional eater! If you are what you eat, then I am junk! I run to junk food as my friend that comforts me! I want the comfort to come from him, darn it!! I want reassurance that I am still pretty in his eyes. I want to know that what is on the inside matters more than what is on the outside!! I am not getting any younger, ya know, and it would feel really nice to be appreciated for more than what I do for him like what that reliable engine has done for him over the years! But alas, I know that it will never change. If he cannot see it now, he will never see it ever. I have tried for years to get him to open up and share his feelings about me. Not the barrage of complaints stacked on my shoulders about money or mixing vegetables in his meal or if the house is not perfectly spotless. I am tired of the predictability of his need for the remote control to watch mindless TV with more vigor than actually looking at the woman he married. I am tired of the robotic act of saying I love you when he leaves for work or ends a call with me. Heck, that has become a barometer of knowing if he is not mad at me and that everything is just peachy-keen than an actual term of endearment. What is even more sad is that I am afraid I would lose him if I try any harder. Heck, I have been losing who I am for years with my attempts at conformity for him. ULK! I feel sick with this revelation! I need to get back to reading yet another book with the hopes I can vicariously live through the characters and hide from this harsh reality that has been bestowed upon me. I picked up 3 more books yesterday from the library. I finished one today, I have 2 more to go through before I can return them. Yep, that is what I need to do.... escape in the pages of a book to numb the pain of realization that I will never be pretty enough to be loved the way I need to be.
Sorry about today's flossing moment.... The release is done.... no turning back now.....
No comments:
Post a Comment