As I become informed that DD is going to be in a 2-ball tournament tonight that DH cannot make it to, I was asked to video her performance (I am not sure what 2-ball is, but I was told that it is like basketball. I guess I will understand what this is after tonight's game). While this is a reasonable request by DH, I find it amazing that after fighting endlessly over letting me get a video camera and the lack of usage an investment like that would be, he seems so appreciative of something he fought so hard to not let me get one which I did with money I saved from my tip money at work. While the idea was to get it months earlier because of DD's black light chorus performance last year and to have it early enough for when I thought she would have pushed for getting her black belt test done to record it, I did manage to get it on my own. Since she is still dragging her heels at getting her black belt, I can honestly say that I am now ready for it.
Now, as I have managed to have some pretty good ideas lately, I see that DH refuses to see things my way, but does manage to appreciate them after the fact, but never admits that I am right. What is that all about? Is this just another level of that "I win, you lose" game that I still seem to lack talent in playing? I swear, it is like a major mind game when it comes to him. I am not a mind reader, but somehow, he seems to think I can read his.
Why is it so hard for someone to admit they are wrong? Why is it so hard to say "thank you" when someone plans ahead? I just don't get it.... I get the feeling like I am not worthy of being appreciated because of some DNA factor that believes that women are not to be heard or appreciated for what they do. Is it possible that in DH's youth, his parents presented this as what normal is? Did DH's father show lack of respect to the woman he married because she took on the role of caregiver for their children? I know that DH respects me, but not at the level of respect that encompasses appreciation for all that I do for him and our family? Maybe it is not respect, but acknowledgement that I am smart enough to solve problems or potential future issues? While I understand the basic needs he has, we still cannot seem to connect at a level where we are actually equals. I wonder if being remotely intelligent scares him. If he wanted to marry a moron, well, he married the wrong girl. Maybe my curiosity makes him uncomfortable. I would never know because HE NEVER TELLS ME ANYTHING!
I mean, I am not asking too much if I ask for a little appreciation or acknowledgement for my efforts. I admit I get some, but it is so obvious it is just to appease me when I reach the end of my rope with him. The "thanks for making dinner", is so played out, I am starting to believe that this is just over-rehearsed fodder to fill the silence when he is home. I should know... Asking how his day went has become less of actual curiosity as opposed to feeling that I am appeasing him by showing interest in something I rarely think about. He works.... It does not require a tinker tape parade every time he comes home? No, but I manage to make it feel like one anyway with dinner done and the channel changed to something he likes to watch.
The only time he feels compelled to share anything is when I manage to do something that rubs him the wrong way. Here are a few examples.... spending money on anything that does not benefit only him or DD, not getting all the laundry done when he is need of socks, and making something that consists of anything he does not like to eat (extra example: having mushrooms, spinach, zucchini, mayo, mustard or any undesirable foods prepared in a recipe). Even when I went into protest mode for cleaning up after DD and DH, he eventually did have a whine session that the house was getting messy. One time he went into crazed mode over a pen not being where he last placed it and if I did not get a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom early enough because the current one was low.
I have never thought that I married a control freak, but I did manage to learn that there are various levels of control freak. There are some that feel compelled to control your life and there are ones that have no interest in controlling your life, but have major control issues with their own environment. I dated a control freak that felt compelled to control my life and ran as fast as I could from that relationship. I just never considered the other form of control freak when I married DH. How could have I known? He was so laid-back, I swear, I thought I needed a stick to poke him to see if he was alive at times. Perpetually late for just about everything had me on edge on our wedding day. I had to enlist all of the groomsmen to help guarantee that he would make it to the church on time. No wonder why I had my first panic attack on my wedding day...
Heck, he is far from romantic and I do not recall a compliment on how nice I looked that day. I wore a dress willingly and I hate dresses. All I can say is that I felt I married my best friend that day and that is all that mattered to me. He made me feel comfortable, he made me laugh, and he loves me. Little did I know that my tomboy tendencies could not figure that once I was wooed, everything eventually goes back to being friends. I do have to admit, when he does do something for me without being asked... my heart does melt just a little. I just wonder why he cannot be consistent.
That is just a mystery that is never meant to be solved, I guess....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!
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