So, lets begin with a little update, shall we?
Mother's Day was not as special as I hoped it would be, but I was not pushing for anything phenomenal, so.. it went okay (as I thought it was). Apparently, I was WRONG about it being somewhere in the "okay" range once DH said something that I could not catch upon until the following day, and still did not come to this moment of clarity until the day that followed that (meaning yesterday). The only problem is.... how can I address this problem.
So, Sunday was basically a bust. I was in pain in so many places... the Advil that I was popping like candy had no way of addressing all the aches and pains. I hurt my wrist the day prior, my teeth were seriously hurting, and I managed to tweak my back just enough for a spasm to rear its ugly head at me. My allergies have been in full-blown status and the sinus pressure (along with my tooth ache) made it feel like I had a mini jackhammer bouncing around in my head. Needless to say.... I was absolutely miserable, but I tried my hardest to remain positive and not complain to anyone.
Well, I announced that I wanted to go out for breakfast for Mother's Day and shared my interest with DH. I felt that regardless that I happen to have a day that is focused on my status as a parent being looked upon as just another day to do everything for everyone in this house... I deserved a little "treat", so to speak, but not cooking at least one meal for the day. While the statement of asking to be taken out for breakfast was not so demanding, I offered to elaborate just a little to why I wanted to be treated to one meal that day... I just did not feel up to cooking to clean up afterwards. If my family would step up and do that one little thing (wash the dishes), I probably would not have minded making breakfast for the family. Yep, just that one little act of being helpful would have been enough to make my day. Sheesh! I am too easy to please! It is probably because of the lack of respect or help that has my expectations so low these days. I did mention that if they were not interested in treating me to breakfast.... I was willing to go it alone and they can fend for themselves while I was gone. Well, it appears that DH either refuses to cook for himself or he decided that my little request was not such a big deal and got DD to get motivated to go out for breakfast with me.
Total shocker on my part! I was figuring I would end up going to McDonald's for a breakfast sandwich with a book in my hand. So.... figuring we needed to go somewhere where we can eat and spend a little quality time together was going to happen. I already looked up where there was a Mother's Day brunch in the local area and was saddened to see that the cost per person to join in that type of event was going to set DH back roughly $50 a person and with that knowledge.... I knew the traditional brunch was out of the question. I am already at fault for wanting to go out to eat and I needed to keep the cost down.
All three of us were in the car, driving to parts unknown with no solid place to consider. I noticed a buffet place not so long ago and figured that there was at least a breakfast buffet that we could go to that offered things that both DH and DD would like and be fairly reasonable compared to the average Mother's Day brunch. Well, that place was a sushi buffet place and I knew it was a solid "Hell NO" from DH. The price was acceptable, but DH does not eat fish. DD was thrilled, but once she heard the decision to go someplace else.... she was not all that happy. Then, we went off to the iHop down the road. They were packed and there was no parking. DH was getting cranky (he was starving), and DD was not interested in any place that had the word "pancakes" in it's name. So, further down the road we went. We found a restaurant fairly close to his parent's house. The parking lot was not full and they were open for business. I saw this as probably the only place that had a table available for my family. Of course, they did not offer brunch... they did not offer breakfast of any kind. Nope, we got a lunch menu and left to choose from there. DD was happy that they offered some seafood choices, DH found a burger to choose, and I was a little sad that I was going to be eating lunch instead of brunch. My tooth was hurting and everything on that menu was going to be a challenge to eat. I was looking forward to some scrambled eggs, but I figured as long as they got fed and I did not have to clean up afterwards.... I was ahead of the game... or so I thought. Each bite of food hurt and tears fell from my eyes. Quietly, I suffered, but thought I was being as reasonable as I could for my family. I really wanted to be someplace else, but my family was hungry and I was not in the mood for more attitude. In the grand scheme of things... I did manage to achieve 2 of the three requirements for my family.... They got to eat something they liked and the cost was reasonable (or so I thought - when the bill came... $54 for 3 people is a bit high in DH's eyes, but he paid without complaint).
Once the bill was paid, we went home to make the grocery list. DH appears to prefer order and control and did not want to wander the store for new ideas for meals. Of course, it would have been havoc on the budget we have in place. It was quiet in the car. I could not stand the pain anymore. I knew I had to see the dentist and feared that the bill was going to be huge, but I could not put it off any longer. I was uncomfortable for 2 weeks prior. When it became to difficult to eat anymore, I knew I had to go. With the drive home being so quiet, I mentioned to DH that I felt really bad about asking to see the dentist, knowing it would probably be expensive to go, but the pain was becoming unbearable. That is when DH threw my way the attitude that I thought caused him to remain nasty well beyond that day.
You see, DH has been giving me the silent treatment and with that silent treatment comes a snippy tone, like a petulant child not getting their way. It took until Monday night for him to speak his mind and share his feelings. Apparently, I seemed unhappy on Mother's Day and pointed out that the first place we looked at for brunch was not going to be the place to eat because I pointed out that DH is not a fan of fish and sushi is not something he would eat. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but with that knowledge, I chose to go elsewhere because I wanted everyone to be fed and happy and that I was considering their feelings before my own. I thought that was being nice. Then he mentions the tears in my eyes when we were eating and thought I was upset with the final choice to where we were to eat. Apparently, my little comment about scrambled eggs was a complaint about the food we ended up getting and made him feel like a schmuck for ending up there. Of course, the tears falling from my eyes while eating was somehow a huge sign that I was unhappy about it, too. I guess he forgot that I mentioned that I was in pain from my teeth hurting so much that I asked for permission to go to the dentist the following day. Nope, I guess being in pain did not compute with DH and my tears were from disappointment over the beginning of the day and that the quiet demeanor was in no way trying to hold back screams of agony for their benefit. Just because I did not plaster a smile on my face the whole time was supposedly because DH believed I thought he was inconsiderate. WOW! What a martyr! Of course, the snippy attitude about needing to go to the dentist was supposed to make me feel better, too, right?
Money is a sore subject in my house. I know it as well as DH. I get pummeled with that knowledge every time I mention an unplanned for expense happening. DD's little emergency room visit is slapping us with a $600 bill to contend with. We did not plan for it, but it is clear as day that this was all my fault. The mention of needing to see a dentist was just the icing on that cake of misery. I feared I was going to need a root canal or a couple of crowns to replace the very old (and very large) fillings I have on a couple of teeth that I figured were the culprit to the pain I was experiencing. Luckily, after seeing the dentist, getting the necessary x-rays and such... it came down to re-doing one old filling and taking care of one small cavity. That $450 bill is NOTHING compared to the estimated (in my mind) of roughly thousands that could have happened. I managed to get it on a payment plan with 0% interest for a year. I was thrilled I managed to avoid a huge expense and tried to share it with DH and all I got was attitude and blame that I was apparently calling him inconsiderate.
In hindsight of all of this.... I realized that DH no longer sees or hears me. I was in tears because I was in pain and not because of disappointment regarding his actions. I was quiet because I was trying to save him from hearing me complain about the pain. I took us to various places before ending up in that one place because I took into consideration of what they (meaning both DH and DD) would like to avoid drama at the table. I tried my hardest to avoid creating more of a struggle financially by not going to an expensive brunch because I did not want to put any more stress on DH. I no longer have high expectations for myself and did not complain about what we ate because I was happy that they decided to go with me to eat. I guess I cannot express anything well enough through actions or words because it is up to the other person to decide upon what they want to see and hear. I have no idea how to be more clear about my intentions, my feelings, or even my thoughts. I will forever always be wrong. I am not allowed to be in pain, tired, or sick. I need to be always on my "A-game" and smiling in the face of challenge. I am not allowed to be emotional other than perpetually happy or subservient to the master. I cannot ever need the assistance of others and money cannot be spent for my well-being. I am to be beyond the zen concept... I am NOT to be seen as well as I am NOT to be heard.
The problem is that I cannot just exist and not have feelings. It is clear as day that DH no longer sees me, he no longer hears me, and if those two are happening.... I am no longer important in his life and he no longer feels anything for me. How do I change that? I seriously doubt that I can.
On a closing note.... I am feeling better where my teeth are concerned. Still a little tender from getting two teeth worked on at once. My body has not adjusted to the foreign material in my mouth, but that will take a few more days before I feel complete relief, but in comparison to what I was feeling.... I am doing much better. My back is still doing the random spasm thing often, but tolerable. My wrist still hurts like the dickens and my allergy headache is a little less painful. Basically, I am more functional without tears of pain slowing me down and that is a good thing. I have loads to do and never enough time to get it all done.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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