Yesterday, I spent a large amount of the day with my mom. Christmas is fast approaching and she needed my help in finding something for DD. Knowing that this year, like last year, DD has shown no interest in anything in particular. She has not been in the Christmas spirit and I cannot blame her. I am even feeling the twinge of remorse that our family has to face yet again another financial challenge we cannot plan ahead for. Knowing that DH feels unappreciated for his efforts, I believe that he is not expecting anything this year, but I already have a plan in action. Sadly, it will not be in such grand of nature as I have done in the past because we just cannot afford any luxury items. In the past, DH would offer a suggestion and I would be running to get that item for him. That is the way I always did my Christmas shopping when it came to him. Here are a few things I have managed to figure from a mere few words and what the gift ended up being.....
Our first year of marriage, he commented (in a joking way) that he hates to shovel snow. Even though the previous two winters were mild, I had the feeling that a big snowfall was going to happen and bought him a snow blower. Needless to say, my gut feeling for a heavy snowfall was correct and he got tons of use out of it. He still has that snow blower and has added on two more that he salvaged over the years. Other years pretty much followed suit. Sadly, it was always something he needed for the house. As the years came and went, he has gotten a shop vac that has a pump to handle the aftermath of getting flooded, a new huge toolbox with extra tools just for those necessary maintenance things at home, and those were just the ones that I felt were necessary, practical and sadly, were impersonal. Kind of like buying someone a vacuum cleaner when they wished for something different. The years that he has been cryptic in his needs, he has gotten the only things I can think of that he may need... like a new winter coat, clothes, and new boots. He even got toys that lit up because that seemed to put a sparkle in his eyes like a child. Call him "odd", but that is the way he is and I appreciate that... keeps me young, I think ;)
Now, this year, being in DEFCON-5 for tightening the budget, I sought out something that he would appreciate and to remind him that I do listen and appreciate all that he does for this family. Figuring that it needs to be personal and from the heart is very difficult for a guy that prefers to always have the basics, I looked high and low for something and ended up buying him PJ's that he probably won't wear, new socks and underwear so he will feel compelled to part with the ones that are not even worthy to be cut up into rags. Believe me, there would be virtually no effort in cutting them up. They are being held by a mere thread. Frustrates the snot out of me to wash and try to fold stuff like that, so this is the route that I ended up taking. so needless to say, my efforts have fallen short in the gift area.
As for seeking out what DD could possibly like and need was the other half of my seek and buy mission for Christmas. I figured that clothes was a safe bet. I mentioned other things that were still feasible in our budget, but expensive in our eyes to the rest of the family. I was just sickened at the notion that clothes that look ready to become rags is the fashion. The 80's have returned... "ripped" shirts and pants are all the rage. Makes me wonder if the economy has a major pull in what is fashionable because I know that people are struggling, but do we need to pay full price to look like we are destitute? Shirts so thin and thread barren that it would take three or four layers to remote something close to offering some warmth? Jeans that are frayed in a way that there are actual holes in them? Apparently, bejeweling them makes it less of a rag, right?
In my mind, I wondered.... Where is the quality? Where is the sensibility in clothes? Shopping for this tween is getting harder and harder. Especially in clothes... Your choices are slutty and barely offers any coverage or tattered and ready for the garbage. What I see as quality is getting less and less.
Deciding that I cannot be "that" mom that buys those sweaters that can cause to get your child beaten up, I swallowed my pride and sought out the least offensive and least ragged items available. I cringed looking at the price tag for these "tatters" and realized that it has to be the economy influencing the fashion trends. A poorly made "fake fur" coat costs $300, but a warn out down coat can go for between $30 and $60. Jeans that look older than my child with tatters and rips, albeit bejeweled, go for $25 and shirts that look like a lawnmower won the battle on them are going for $15 to $30. Sweaters are getting thinner and thinner, too. Paying full price for a sweater that uses less yarn does not seem worth the purchase, but after an hour or so walking around in a shock induced haze, I think I was close to hitting the mark in the parameters of what I deem acceptable. I can only hope she likes what I got her.
As I thought more about this holiday and the stress it causes, I made the executive decision of what I am telling DH and DD what I want for Christmas...... I want absolutely nothing. I want them to feel a little less on the poor side and save that money. Just offer a little more help at home and a really good hug is all I need.
At least DH can breathe a little easier this year. All of the gifts I purchased were out of the money I earned at my part time job and has no effect on our budget. No credit cards were used in this venture and deep consideration was placed in what was purchased. I just hope that DH realizes that the biggest gift that I felt is most heartfelt for him is taking on our family's gifts without using his hard earned money and asking for nothing in return. What I really want for Christmas is a happy family and that is something you cannot buy.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Being blindsided.....
As I posted about the torrential storm that his my home last night, I needed to have a little more release today. As I prepare for a day at my part time job, still feeling under the weather, the medicines making me nauseous (or it could be feeling a bit blindsided last night causing a stress induced sick feeling in the pit of my stomach), and the extreme tired feeling I am experiencing because I did not sleep all that well... I need to have my emotions in check before walking through the door. Dealing with people that come to me for a hair service do not need to see me break down in tears, shake in fear and tell them my woes.
Last night, before DH went to bed, he shared with me his torn and stressful situation. Feeling unappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, he is feeling scared and confused. His desire for a happy family is crumbling around him and has seriously thought of walking away from his family and his marriage. He figures that if he and I went our separate ways, we would be happier. I am not sure what got him to think that life would be easier if we were apart, but he did assure me that his desire to stay has kept him trying to make things better. Even though the idea of going our separate ways still rings in his head. That discussion he gave me about how torn he is blindsided me big time.
For quite a while we have been struggling financially, but we seemed to get along... for the most part. Since his heart issue in July, the perspective of what matters and what doesn't has made a difference in our lives. The quarrels, the snide remarks, the feeling alone that I suffered changed. I was not as alone as I thought. DH made some serious lifestyle changes that offered relief in the forever battle of his coming home late after a few beers every night. His little stress reliever was taken away because his health meant more than those beers. He quit smoking, he became more active, he actually started eating foods that I thought he hated... like bananas. I never saw him eat a piece of fruit willingly... ever. He was coming home earlier and having a beer was no longer a daily thing. His perspective about life changed. He learned to let things go and appreciate each and every day he wakes up to, or so he says. Now I wonder. I gather that a near death experience is the driving force to change your outlook on everything. As I have never had one, I can only guess, but I can say that the threat of losing him made me change my attitude about things. All those things that I thought were big issues became nothing more than a little annoyance that can be tolerated. Somehow, that experience we both had, created a more content and happier co-existence. I still had a minor struggle with my demons of insecurity, but it was far less consuming in my day.
Still leaning on stressful habits like biting my nails and trying to escape through playing computer games, I noticed that there is something boiling under the surface. DH was hiding the stress of our finances as well as he could and trying to control his angered outbursts over our bills when money was needed to be spent. I can only guess that my actions were an indirect reaction to a situation that we both are trying to face... Making ends meet and at least function in a manner that appears that we are doing fine, or so I thought.
Maybe the blindsided feeling is because I have been believing what we have been portraying. We have not been fighting, we keep our conversations light, and with a different look of things after the scare we had mere months ago... we tried to remain in denial that there is anything wrong, or at least he was trying, I thought we were doing okay. Little did I know that ignorance is not bliss when problems are being swept under the rug. Believe me, I was fully aware of our financial issue all along. I just never figured that the desire to quit was there in his mind. You see, strong people face challenges and never try to find an easy out. They are determined to see it through, no matter how difficult it can become. Quitting is not the answer, but determination to make it work is. As I look back almost 4 years ago, I had my moment of throwing my hands in the air and handing the financial reigns to DH. I was tired and frustrated with being blamed that I was wasting money while he was taking a huge pay cut. The fighting and bickering over who was right and who was wrong resulted in me relinquishing the one thing I managed best to show him proof that our financial woes were not my fault, but his willingness to make sacrifices without thinking it through. For years, he had no clue how much things cost. He just knew that the bills were paid and never realized that his sacrifices depleted our savings. I did what I could with the lack of income we had. He had to know that communication is key. Being blissfully ignorant to what happens in our home was no longer an option. He had to realize that his willing sacrifice had repercussions. What blew my mind is that I am not a shopaholic, nor I ever made any large purchase (over $100) without permission first, but was placed blame anyway. Now, we do all the shopping together to keep our budget in check and still I get the blame that everything is so expensive.
I just wonder where he got this idea that if we were to part ways, we would be better off. I figured that married couples get divorced because they no longer love each other, not something like this. I asked him over and over if this desire is because I did something wrong. I even asked him if he still loved me. The only answer I got is that it is not me, he still loves me, but it is the situation... our financial situation. I really do not see this being a solution because we have a child together. Tearing our family apart over something we have no control over, like the job market and the economy, does not make the situation any better.
As the conversation ended and he went to bed, I was assured that parting ways is not what either of us want, but I fear that he just might succumb to the notion and walk away because he has no more fight in him to stay. I do hope and pray that God hears my plead for relief. That things will get better financially and that the stress does not get the best of us. My God offer his grace and help us before it is too late because I am really scared. I know that life does not give us what we want, but offers us what we need. I just hope and pray that life can offer just a little more so we can breathe a little easier.
Last night, before DH went to bed, he shared with me his torn and stressful situation. Feeling unappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, he is feeling scared and confused. His desire for a happy family is crumbling around him and has seriously thought of walking away from his family and his marriage. He figures that if he and I went our separate ways, we would be happier. I am not sure what got him to think that life would be easier if we were apart, but he did assure me that his desire to stay has kept him trying to make things better. Even though the idea of going our separate ways still rings in his head. That discussion he gave me about how torn he is blindsided me big time.
For quite a while we have been struggling financially, but we seemed to get along... for the most part. Since his heart issue in July, the perspective of what matters and what doesn't has made a difference in our lives. The quarrels, the snide remarks, the feeling alone that I suffered changed. I was not as alone as I thought. DH made some serious lifestyle changes that offered relief in the forever battle of his coming home late after a few beers every night. His little stress reliever was taken away because his health meant more than those beers. He quit smoking, he became more active, he actually started eating foods that I thought he hated... like bananas. I never saw him eat a piece of fruit willingly... ever. He was coming home earlier and having a beer was no longer a daily thing. His perspective about life changed. He learned to let things go and appreciate each and every day he wakes up to, or so he says. Now I wonder. I gather that a near death experience is the driving force to change your outlook on everything. As I have never had one, I can only guess, but I can say that the threat of losing him made me change my attitude about things. All those things that I thought were big issues became nothing more than a little annoyance that can be tolerated. Somehow, that experience we both had, created a more content and happier co-existence. I still had a minor struggle with my demons of insecurity, but it was far less consuming in my day.
Still leaning on stressful habits like biting my nails and trying to escape through playing computer games, I noticed that there is something boiling under the surface. DH was hiding the stress of our finances as well as he could and trying to control his angered outbursts over our bills when money was needed to be spent. I can only guess that my actions were an indirect reaction to a situation that we both are trying to face... Making ends meet and at least function in a manner that appears that we are doing fine, or so I thought.
Maybe the blindsided feeling is because I have been believing what we have been portraying. We have not been fighting, we keep our conversations light, and with a different look of things after the scare we had mere months ago... we tried to remain in denial that there is anything wrong, or at least he was trying, I thought we were doing okay. Little did I know that ignorance is not bliss when problems are being swept under the rug. Believe me, I was fully aware of our financial issue all along. I just never figured that the desire to quit was there in his mind. You see, strong people face challenges and never try to find an easy out. They are determined to see it through, no matter how difficult it can become. Quitting is not the answer, but determination to make it work is. As I look back almost 4 years ago, I had my moment of throwing my hands in the air and handing the financial reigns to DH. I was tired and frustrated with being blamed that I was wasting money while he was taking a huge pay cut. The fighting and bickering over who was right and who was wrong resulted in me relinquishing the one thing I managed best to show him proof that our financial woes were not my fault, but his willingness to make sacrifices without thinking it through. For years, he had no clue how much things cost. He just knew that the bills were paid and never realized that his sacrifices depleted our savings. I did what I could with the lack of income we had. He had to know that communication is key. Being blissfully ignorant to what happens in our home was no longer an option. He had to realize that his willing sacrifice had repercussions. What blew my mind is that I am not a shopaholic, nor I ever made any large purchase (over $100) without permission first, but was placed blame anyway. Now, we do all the shopping together to keep our budget in check and still I get the blame that everything is so expensive.
I just wonder where he got this idea that if we were to part ways, we would be better off. I figured that married couples get divorced because they no longer love each other, not something like this. I asked him over and over if this desire is because I did something wrong. I even asked him if he still loved me. The only answer I got is that it is not me, he still loves me, but it is the situation... our financial situation. I really do not see this being a solution because we have a child together. Tearing our family apart over something we have no control over, like the job market and the economy, does not make the situation any better.
As the conversation ended and he went to bed, I was assured that parting ways is not what either of us want, but I fear that he just might succumb to the notion and walk away because he has no more fight in him to stay. I do hope and pray that God hears my plead for relief. That things will get better financially and that the stress does not get the best of us. My God offer his grace and help us before it is too late because I am really scared. I know that life does not give us what we want, but offers us what we need. I just hope and pray that life can offer just a little more so we can breathe a little easier.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Who is to blame?
This evening, at approximately 8:30pm, something that feels so devastating came to the surface. It all started with DD and DH having a fallout of sorts. Being as reasonable parents as we can be resulted in a communication gap that I fear cannot be fixed. Having a "tween" in the house is difficult. Too young to have real teen angst, but too mature to call it a phase or fit of a child. It is a stage that seems to be very dark and very alone. Believing that nobody understands seems to be the culprit, but too scared or stubborn to make the attempt to be heard is not the solution. Heads butting when it comes to trying to understand. Screaming matches that make me cringe, then tearful silence with no real resolution as the body tires from pent up frustration. Trying to explain to DD that we, as parents, were there once and are willing to understand if given the chance.
The laid back and reasonable side of DH seemed to disappear. His patience being painfully thin resulted in harsh words spoken. Watching DD and DH stand toe to toe made me feel uncomfortable, but determined to at least try to smooth things over. Sadly, my attempts were not successful as I hear both of their feelings. Seeing a stubborn child have lack of faith that things could be better and seeing a stubborn, yet stressed husband express an internal battle that seems like a ticking time bomb on the ready to explode. Knowing that I have absolutely no solution puts me on edge and fearful for every moment that follows this evening's events. Questions racing through my head, trying to figure who or what is to blame, but knowing that there is no solid reason why things cannot be better and easier for them.
DD wanting just a little more leniency to an already lenient environment. Her desire for detachment from her struggles results in her disconnecting from the two people that love her unconditionally and hide in a parental controlled virtual world via the computer. With the lack of local friends her own age to see, she feels alone. No social calendar filled with things to do, no siblings to share with, and supposedly out of touch parents, she bottles up her frustrations in silence in her room. Her request that her room is her sanctuary and that the random visits by her parents should stop causes concern to me.
DH feeling stressed beyond what I figured he was tolerating turns out to be something that is tearing him up internally. He loves and provides for his family with long hours and limited income to see the struggles of supporting the family he has. The economic downfall has hit this house hard. As he tries to keep things afloat financially, he feels that there is little appreciation for all that he does and the sacrifices that he makes for his family. In fact, he feels that there is no appreciation whatsoever. Feeling obligated to stay, but has the strong desire to walk away from it all has him feeling torn in trying to decide which would be best for everyone. His heart issue has placed a major concern that the stress he keeps to himself is going to be the death of him. Thinking, or better yet, assuming that nobody understands what he is going through has become his crutch that beats down all hope.
Feeling that everything is my fault is what I have been dealing with. If I never married him, we would not have had a child, we would not have the struggles that we have, and maybe he would feel happier. He would not have to worry about taking care of anyone else and the financial burden would possibly be less. I have tirelessly tried to find something that can help support this family. My part time job does not create a stable and consistent income. A hairdresser making commission is a feast or famine career. It offers no health benefits, no retirement plans, no paid vacations, no paid sick days, and no guarantees. The economy has affected the opportunity for growth, client-wise, and regardless of what I offer as a discount does not guarantee a following or even in increase in what I can earn. As I have feverishly tried to find more stable work, the agreement between DH and I to be a full time mother has made it difficult to find a job I qualify for since I was the one who changed my life and walked away from a career years ago. Of course, the job market is no longer an employee market since there are only possibly a few jobs available and thousands of applicants. I know that there are people more qualified than I am, possibly even just as driven to work hard, and available. I placed my application with the local high school district for at least 5 jobs that I could be qualified to do only to be turned down. I finally decided to try another route and place myself on their substitute list to offer my talents to cover when needed. Needless to say, I have not been called in to work since my application in August. I can't seem to get my foot in anywhere to even show my worth. As no other prospects besides commission sales in a slumping economy, all I can do is wait and hope for an opportunity that can offer some consistent and stable income to ease the stress that DH is suffering. Sadly, I would be less of the mother that is always there for their child, but I am willing to make the sacrifices if given the chance. Anything to help my family.
DD finally admitted this evening that she dreads Christmas. She fully understands that we have virtually nothing left to spend on frivolities like gifts or trinkets just because. The constant denial for things has left a bitter taste in her mouth. DH dreads the holidays. The finances are just not there to offer much happiness. I would love to help them both see that as long as there is love, there is no real need for excessive material things. As DH told me that the new tires for my truck came from months of savings just to make sure that we have a safe vehicle during the upcoming snow covered winter months, I feel that I am just another liability in his life. Even though he owns his business, there are expenses to having a business that need to be met; taxes to pay, employees to support, and equipment that needs to be maintained for the sake of safety. As February is to be approaching, they need to build a safety net to keep their doors open for the slump in work happens that month. All the while, still trying to keep the basic necessities to support his family. Being the business owner, he is the first to make sacrifices for the greater good. This business is his pride and joy he built from nothing. Losing it would just kill him. Wondering if he can support his family is causing pain that he cannot even share with me.
As the three of us suffer in silence the stress and inability to fix the issues because of fear, stubbornness, denial or lack of hope. I get to swallow down the fear, put on a brave face and keep trying to keep this family together. I just do not know who is to blame for this misery. I guess I need to take this one for the team. I am used to being the one who is always wrong and can never do enough.
The laid back and reasonable side of DH seemed to disappear. His patience being painfully thin resulted in harsh words spoken. Watching DD and DH stand toe to toe made me feel uncomfortable, but determined to at least try to smooth things over. Sadly, my attempts were not successful as I hear both of their feelings. Seeing a stubborn child have lack of faith that things could be better and seeing a stubborn, yet stressed husband express an internal battle that seems like a ticking time bomb on the ready to explode. Knowing that I have absolutely no solution puts me on edge and fearful for every moment that follows this evening's events. Questions racing through my head, trying to figure who or what is to blame, but knowing that there is no solid reason why things cannot be better and easier for them.
DD wanting just a little more leniency to an already lenient environment. Her desire for detachment from her struggles results in her disconnecting from the two people that love her unconditionally and hide in a parental controlled virtual world via the computer. With the lack of local friends her own age to see, she feels alone. No social calendar filled with things to do, no siblings to share with, and supposedly out of touch parents, she bottles up her frustrations in silence in her room. Her request that her room is her sanctuary and that the random visits by her parents should stop causes concern to me.
DH feeling stressed beyond what I figured he was tolerating turns out to be something that is tearing him up internally. He loves and provides for his family with long hours and limited income to see the struggles of supporting the family he has. The economic downfall has hit this house hard. As he tries to keep things afloat financially, he feels that there is little appreciation for all that he does and the sacrifices that he makes for his family. In fact, he feels that there is no appreciation whatsoever. Feeling obligated to stay, but has the strong desire to walk away from it all has him feeling torn in trying to decide which would be best for everyone. His heart issue has placed a major concern that the stress he keeps to himself is going to be the death of him. Thinking, or better yet, assuming that nobody understands what he is going through has become his crutch that beats down all hope.
Feeling that everything is my fault is what I have been dealing with. If I never married him, we would not have had a child, we would not have the struggles that we have, and maybe he would feel happier. He would not have to worry about taking care of anyone else and the financial burden would possibly be less. I have tirelessly tried to find something that can help support this family. My part time job does not create a stable and consistent income. A hairdresser making commission is a feast or famine career. It offers no health benefits, no retirement plans, no paid vacations, no paid sick days, and no guarantees. The economy has affected the opportunity for growth, client-wise, and regardless of what I offer as a discount does not guarantee a following or even in increase in what I can earn. As I have feverishly tried to find more stable work, the agreement between DH and I to be a full time mother has made it difficult to find a job I qualify for since I was the one who changed my life and walked away from a career years ago. Of course, the job market is no longer an employee market since there are only possibly a few jobs available and thousands of applicants. I know that there are people more qualified than I am, possibly even just as driven to work hard, and available. I placed my application with the local high school district for at least 5 jobs that I could be qualified to do only to be turned down. I finally decided to try another route and place myself on their substitute list to offer my talents to cover when needed. Needless to say, I have not been called in to work since my application in August. I can't seem to get my foot in anywhere to even show my worth. As no other prospects besides commission sales in a slumping economy, all I can do is wait and hope for an opportunity that can offer some consistent and stable income to ease the stress that DH is suffering. Sadly, I would be less of the mother that is always there for their child, but I am willing to make the sacrifices if given the chance. Anything to help my family.
DD finally admitted this evening that she dreads Christmas. She fully understands that we have virtually nothing left to spend on frivolities like gifts or trinkets just because. The constant denial for things has left a bitter taste in her mouth. DH dreads the holidays. The finances are just not there to offer much happiness. I would love to help them both see that as long as there is love, there is no real need for excessive material things. As DH told me that the new tires for my truck came from months of savings just to make sure that we have a safe vehicle during the upcoming snow covered winter months, I feel that I am just another liability in his life. Even though he owns his business, there are expenses to having a business that need to be met; taxes to pay, employees to support, and equipment that needs to be maintained for the sake of safety. As February is to be approaching, they need to build a safety net to keep their doors open for the slump in work happens that month. All the while, still trying to keep the basic necessities to support his family. Being the business owner, he is the first to make sacrifices for the greater good. This business is his pride and joy he built from nothing. Losing it would just kill him. Wondering if he can support his family is causing pain that he cannot even share with me.
As the three of us suffer in silence the stress and inability to fix the issues because of fear, stubbornness, denial or lack of hope. I get to swallow down the fear, put on a brave face and keep trying to keep this family together. I just do not know who is to blame for this misery. I guess I need to take this one for the team. I am used to being the one who is always wrong and can never do enough.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
And it starts....
"Back spasm.... Sinus infection.... Monthly "curse"..... Run for the hills, people! This type of misery loves company, right?", is what I tell DH this morning. All it took was one look and he knew that I am not going to be easy to live with. Looking like a train wreck, feeling like I was hit by that same train, and my less than cheerful tone is my flashing neon sign saying, "the fun stops here". The cheerful morning disposition DH had (and I am using the word "had") headed for the hills. A blank look came across his face and I can see the wheels turning in his head of what excuse he will use to stay away from home as long as he can. He tried to cover it up with a kind word or two that he hopes I feel better, but I know that after almost 14 years of marriage.... he is scared. I would be....
When I am not feeling well, I try to put on a brave face, bite my tongue and function like I would if I was not under the weather. It is obvious that my attempts of acting anything other than the truth come up quite short and my tolerance level gets that much less. Especially when I know I need to go to the doctor and he is still on the power kick of controlling the checkbook. Even though his valiant efforts at letting me go to the doctor are usually approved, he has the knack of holding that tidbit that I spent money on myself against me and any future purchases. Since Christmas is just around the corner and we have not ventured into the stores to tackle that obligation of buying gifts, I am guaranteed that a snippy remark will be thrown my way in the near future. He usually waits until I am feeling better to launch those weapons.
Since there is too much to do and really no time for this weary worker to rest, I need to layer up and head on out today. I decided to tackle at least one of my painful thorns.... my back. I have held off for far too long for an adjustment. Ice packs, Advil, and my required stretches are failing to keep the pain under wraps. I have put in two solid weeks of early morning spasms that disturb any sense of the word of a restful nights sleep. I can at least appreciate that my Chiropractor has a sense of humor, a black belt in sarcasm, and classic rock music playing in the building. I seem to lack the patience to listen to Muzak. Then I think I will head off to the drug store and find something that can knock down the pounding sinus pain in my head. After that, I would have hoped to rest a bit, but DD has a class performance tonight. I am finally going to get to use my camcorder. Too bad that it will take me weeks to finally put it on a DVD, but at least DH can avoid a complaint of money being spent for a DVD through the school.
Well, as I believe that DH is contemplating moving in with his parents until I feel better, I guess I need to take an active role in fighting this alone. Chances are, the rest of the family will be down with a cold in a matter of a week or so and I will have to take care of them. As DH left for work this morning, I said that the game of "cold tag" has commenced and "I am it". And so it goes.....
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thank You....
Well, another year is about to close (in a little over a month) and I realized that I have forgotten to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out of your busy day to sit back and read what I blog about. Lets just call this my little belated Thanksgiving speech instead of an actual end of year well wishes to you all..... I appreciate all the positive feedback I get when I have the opportunity to see some of you and all those comments/messages I receive beyond my blog page. Even though I see myself as a "perpetual work in progress", I appreciate hearing that people can relate or even ponder on my perspective on things.
I do need to offer a solid and heartfelt thanks to a good friend, and fellow blogger, Steve. If it was not for him, I probably would have a very small window to express myself and an even smaller window of opportunity to get those moments of release that I seem to have a frequent need to do. While I do not post everything that pops into my head, I do offer to share the things that I feel blog-worthy and even in some roundabout way... relative somewhere in everyone's lives. You know, those... "think about it" questions I offer? Now, I never claimed to understand everything or even know all there is to know, I have seen this blog as a connection we all manage to have. I would not doubt that there have been times when after reading my somewhat little rants, you can easily connect the dots and recall moments in your life where you have felt the same. I believe that is what connects us on a level that now seems to not feel so lonely. I also respect the fact that everyone is different and there are times I may seem to be in a totally different place that you may or may not have ever ventured. Those "ah ha" moments of things that might just open a curtain to shed some light on something you never put much thought into, but it can be understood differently than I might have shared it. Perceptions and angles is what life is about. IT is all in what you take from it.
There are days (and sometimes weeks) where I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. It is best described as my moments of complacency. It is when a day is just a day and really, who needs to know everything, right? We all have lives and experiences that are common. I just never found a funny or insightful way to describe the workings of being the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, or the lackey of the home/family. I can definitely tell your this..... Laundry is not blog worthy. Well, except for the rite of passage experience DD had when she felt that she could wash her own laundry. That mishap ended up costing us dearly for new clothes. Gotta love her determination, but pity her inability to wait. Yep, another one of her father's traits. Otherwise, I see it as we all put our pants on one leg at a time and that is just not worthy of writing about it.
But there are times I have had a lot to say. In fact, there has been a time when I blogged almost every day and even twice here and there. It was a stage in my life where I felt I was at my most in deep thought. Marriage is never to be easy. Everyone has their challenges. What I shared during those times is what I felt was my fault. Changing who I am to adapt to a situation that was less than perfect to attempt to make it better in my eyes. Seeing that this happens in every marriage made it my personal challenge. Then there are times when you need that wake up call to remind you that you need to be true to who you are because once you lose who you really are.... That part of you gets lost.... forever. In order to be truly happy, you need to be happy with who you are first. Forcing a square peg into a round hole is not the solution. Even if you desire it to be so, you need to learn compromise. I used blogging to find my way back to who I am. I'll admit, I am not where I want to be in this life, but I am where I need to be. Once something moves me enough to write about it, I will guarantee you that I will write about it. Knowledge is power and I can only hope that what I offer is useful knowledge. I do seem to have a vast knowledge in useless crap, but with a little patience, I will have a gem or two worthy for sharing.
But the biggest and most heartfelt thanks goes out to everyone that enjoys my little "flossings". Hugs to you all....
I do need to offer a solid and heartfelt thanks to a good friend, and fellow blogger, Steve. If it was not for him, I probably would have a very small window to express myself and an even smaller window of opportunity to get those moments of release that I seem to have a frequent need to do. While I do not post everything that pops into my head, I do offer to share the things that I feel blog-worthy and even in some roundabout way... relative somewhere in everyone's lives. You know, those... "think about it" questions I offer? Now, I never claimed to understand everything or even know all there is to know, I have seen this blog as a connection we all manage to have. I would not doubt that there have been times when after reading my somewhat little rants, you can easily connect the dots and recall moments in your life where you have felt the same. I believe that is what connects us on a level that now seems to not feel so lonely. I also respect the fact that everyone is different and there are times I may seem to be in a totally different place that you may or may not have ever ventured. Those "ah ha" moments of things that might just open a curtain to shed some light on something you never put much thought into, but it can be understood differently than I might have shared it. Perceptions and angles is what life is about. IT is all in what you take from it.
There are days (and sometimes weeks) where I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. It is best described as my moments of complacency. It is when a day is just a day and really, who needs to know everything, right? We all have lives and experiences that are common. I just never found a funny or insightful way to describe the workings of being the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, or the lackey of the home/family. I can definitely tell your this..... Laundry is not blog worthy. Well, except for the rite of passage experience DD had when she felt that she could wash her own laundry. That mishap ended up costing us dearly for new clothes. Gotta love her determination, but pity her inability to wait. Yep, another one of her father's traits. Otherwise, I see it as we all put our pants on one leg at a time and that is just not worthy of writing about it.
But there are times I have had a lot to say. In fact, there has been a time when I blogged almost every day and even twice here and there. It was a stage in my life where I felt I was at my most in deep thought. Marriage is never to be easy. Everyone has their challenges. What I shared during those times is what I felt was my fault. Changing who I am to adapt to a situation that was less than perfect to attempt to make it better in my eyes. Seeing that this happens in every marriage made it my personal challenge. Then there are times when you need that wake up call to remind you that you need to be true to who you are because once you lose who you really are.... That part of you gets lost.... forever. In order to be truly happy, you need to be happy with who you are first. Forcing a square peg into a round hole is not the solution. Even if you desire it to be so, you need to learn compromise. I used blogging to find my way back to who I am. I'll admit, I am not where I want to be in this life, but I am where I need to be. Once something moves me enough to write about it, I will guarantee you that I will write about it. Knowledge is power and I can only hope that what I offer is useful knowledge. I do seem to have a vast knowledge in useless crap, but with a little patience, I will have a gem or two worthy for sharing.
But the biggest and most heartfelt thanks goes out to everyone that enjoys my little "flossings". Hugs to you all....
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Overkill....
The silly season is truly upon us. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and then Black Friday will commence. I know that the whole concept of Black Friday is the one day stores look forward to because it is the one day that they feel that their sales will finally put them "in the black" after such a dismal year. This economy, along with a really poor working government, has put the kibosh on what has been coined as "living the American dream". Every hard working American is in fear of becoming a statistic in the jobless market and are holding tightly (with teeth clenched) to their jobs that overwork them and underpay them. Having a job puts you above the curve of poverty, but in all reality, we are just as poor as the next schlub. This whole "robbing Peter to pay Paul" scenario just to get by is getting a little old. After roughly four years of Obama spinning his wheels and the Houses of Government having a battle of wills, the American public is tired and frustrated. I should know. I gave DH a big boy pill and delegated that he takes over the finances since he is the major bread winner here. Watching him squirm has offered me a little amusement, but his refusal for my advise in how things need to be done is really setting my nerves on edge.
So, how did I get that notion to call the holiday season, "the silly season"? Simple. The holiday season has become more and more commercialized. People frantically race from store to store looking for the best deals on things to give that fit into their budget. People seem to act more like they are the only ones that count instead of sharing peace and goodwill towards their fellow man, woman, or child. Fights over the better parking spot, watching where you are walking, and the common courtesies that we were taught as children no longer applies. Fighting over the last "it" toy, grabbing stuff from other's carts, and knocking over people to reach the rack seem to humor those working in the store. Well, that is until you are responsible of ringing up their stuff. Then it seems like the days we have spent dealing with those that work at the DMV. After the battle to get the best deal, people walk out of those stores feeling quite spent. In fact, they seem to forget that there are other people trying to get to where they need to go. In their shopping induced haze, they wander aimlessly in front of those that just want to get the shopping experience over with. Wow, if there was absolutely zero concern for the safety of their fellow man, there would be carnage as far as the eye can see. No, but you will see a vast number of people cussing and flipping the finger. I guess that is the new way to spread the holiday spirit.
Fortunately, the major department stores decided to throw Christmas in our faces that much earlier. Door buster sales started as soon as the first of November, Christmas decorations were put up right after the Halloween rush. A certain radio station in the Chicago area decided that to further put you in the Christmas spirit would start playing Christmas music, 24/7, since the day after Halloween. Probably sooner, but I rarely seek out holiday music on the radio before an actual holiday. Nice to know that overkill is becoming an acceptable practice. While it is a reasonable request to be better prepared for the upcoming holiday, I would appreciate a little more honest advertising.
Last week, Macy's was having a sale on winter coats. Something in the area of $60 coats selling for $15. Advertised as a one day sale should be a major draw for people to come in. DD was in need of a new winter coat, so the timing was relatively ideal that there was a sale. Little did we know, that the sale was for only 4 hours. Being denied to purchase the coat during that time because DD thinks I have horrific fashion sense (and not sure what size she really needed), I was required to wait. Apparently, it was a stipulation from DH that the money handed to me to get said coat required to wait to drag child in tow after school. I giggled as I had to report to DH that the money he handed me was not enough to get her coat, but it was his lucky day that I had a few dollars in my wallet to cover the difference. Sorry, Bud, no change for you... I did share with him that if I was allowed to purchase the necessities in my time frame, we would be saving money, but alas, since giving DH the big boy pill about our finances I am still the scapegoat for why money is so tight. Happy holidays to me!
With Christmas just around the corner, I wince with anticipation that I will have to do the Christmas shopping. I hate shopping. I would rather get a root canal than deal with the holiday crowds. Maybe, if I drag DH to these overcrowded shopping meccas, he might actually take my advice and just get gift cards....
So, how did I get that notion to call the holiday season, "the silly season"? Simple. The holiday season has become more and more commercialized. People frantically race from store to store looking for the best deals on things to give that fit into their budget. People seem to act more like they are the only ones that count instead of sharing peace and goodwill towards their fellow man, woman, or child. Fights over the better parking spot, watching where you are walking, and the common courtesies that we were taught as children no longer applies. Fighting over the last "it" toy, grabbing stuff from other's carts, and knocking over people to reach the rack seem to humor those working in the store. Well, that is until you are responsible of ringing up their stuff. Then it seems like the days we have spent dealing with those that work at the DMV. After the battle to get the best deal, people walk out of those stores feeling quite spent. In fact, they seem to forget that there are other people trying to get to where they need to go. In their shopping induced haze, they wander aimlessly in front of those that just want to get the shopping experience over with. Wow, if there was absolutely zero concern for the safety of their fellow man, there would be carnage as far as the eye can see. No, but you will see a vast number of people cussing and flipping the finger. I guess that is the new way to spread the holiday spirit.
Fortunately, the major department stores decided to throw Christmas in our faces that much earlier. Door buster sales started as soon as the first of November, Christmas decorations were put up right after the Halloween rush. A certain radio station in the Chicago area decided that to further put you in the Christmas spirit would start playing Christmas music, 24/7, since the day after Halloween. Probably sooner, but I rarely seek out holiday music on the radio before an actual holiday. Nice to know that overkill is becoming an acceptable practice. While it is a reasonable request to be better prepared for the upcoming holiday, I would appreciate a little more honest advertising.
Last week, Macy's was having a sale on winter coats. Something in the area of $60 coats selling for $15. Advertised as a one day sale should be a major draw for people to come in. DD was in need of a new winter coat, so the timing was relatively ideal that there was a sale. Little did we know, that the sale was for only 4 hours. Being denied to purchase the coat during that time because DD thinks I have horrific fashion sense (and not sure what size she really needed), I was required to wait. Apparently, it was a stipulation from DH that the money handed to me to get said coat required to wait to drag child in tow after school. I giggled as I had to report to DH that the money he handed me was not enough to get her coat, but it was his lucky day that I had a few dollars in my wallet to cover the difference. Sorry, Bud, no change for you... I did share with him that if I was allowed to purchase the necessities in my time frame, we would be saving money, but alas, since giving DH the big boy pill about our finances I am still the scapegoat for why money is so tight. Happy holidays to me!
With Christmas just around the corner, I wince with anticipation that I will have to do the Christmas shopping. I hate shopping. I would rather get a root canal than deal with the holiday crowds. Maybe, if I drag DH to these overcrowded shopping meccas, he might actually take my advice and just get gift cards....
Monday, November 21, 2011
Feeling a bit defeated at getting deflated...
Every woman on this planet always has something to complain about. I should know, I have plenty of them bouncing around in my head. Now, I know I promised a while back (January to more accurate) that I would not drag you into my personal hell over weight loss and my desire to get back to my "fighting weight". Yep, that bakery on my frame is suffocating that thin person I know is inside me. Desperate to set skinny me out... I joined weight watchers with a renewed sense of hope that I can get there. Money that we really cannot spare is being spent to fulfill my dream and achieve that goal, so the drive is there, or so I thought. So sorry I broke my promise. You have the choice to stop here and wait for a different topic to be shared. Hopefully, you find it in your heart to stay.
Obviously, my efforts are being thwarted by denying myself anything and everything remotely enjoyable. Denial for too long boils well beyond the control phase and suddenly one cookie is not enough. Yep, I exceeded my control point and created a 3 pound weight gain in a week. Now, I know that if you do not weigh yourself at the same time every week, you will see fluctuations. I should know. Today's weigh in was in the afternoon after having breakfast and lunch consumed. Even a snack was in the mix. Now, I know that a few cookies are not the end-all-be-all of my battle of the bulge, but somehow that damn scale made me feel like I was defeated at getting deflated (aka gaining instead of losing). Feeling quite beaten down, I have been battling a nasty cold and a round of back spasms for the past few days. Darn hormones cause water weight gain every month and I am smack in the middle of a major water retention phase, too. I know that next week, I will do better. I just hate that I have to claw, scrape and fight my way back down. 16 weeks in and nowhere near where I wanted to be. Being knocked a few pegs back is no way to face the challenges of the holidays. Being vulnerable is what is going to make me take a nose dive off the weight watchers train and I cannot let that happen. If that happens, DH will blow a gasket over what we have spent to partake in the world of weight watching. That damn scale is my enemy and food is the catalyst for failure. Darn picky eaters are making my journey a boring one and I am losing focus fast. What to do... what to do....
Hitting the gym during the cold and flu season is a recipe for disaster for me and already being under the weather is no driving force to run in the hamster wheel called the treadmill. I like to avoid the germ-infested place where workout junkies refuse to stay home when they are sick to see them sweat all over the equipment. Too cold to enjoy the outdoors and feeling too tired after a few early mornings of back spasms to get the energy to do much else than Lysol my home so when family comes over for Thanksgiving, they won't catch a cold from us. I would be really miffed if my in-laws blame me for more than they already do.
I guess I need to get a grip and get over what the scale says first. Then I need to get a major attitude adjustment because I wanted to smack that woman at weight watchers and all her supposed "helpful hints" and reminders to just keep trying. Believe me, honey, I know what to do. What I think I would prefer to do is just get my jaw wired shut until March. Then I can avoid, with virtually zero effort, all the weight gaining holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day) and lose the weight I desperately want to lose. You know, food made liquid in a blender does make its appeal that much less... hahaha! Knowing that is not an elective procedure and I am not up for getting my jaw broken, I guess I need to take a Midol and get over it... Grrr...
Tomorrow is a new day, right? Just gotta remember to forget feeling vulnerable and start over.
Obviously, my efforts are being thwarted by denying myself anything and everything remotely enjoyable. Denial for too long boils well beyond the control phase and suddenly one cookie is not enough. Yep, I exceeded my control point and created a 3 pound weight gain in a week. Now, I know that if you do not weigh yourself at the same time every week, you will see fluctuations. I should know. Today's weigh in was in the afternoon after having breakfast and lunch consumed. Even a snack was in the mix. Now, I know that a few cookies are not the end-all-be-all of my battle of the bulge, but somehow that damn scale made me feel like I was defeated at getting deflated (aka gaining instead of losing). Feeling quite beaten down, I have been battling a nasty cold and a round of back spasms for the past few days. Darn hormones cause water weight gain every month and I am smack in the middle of a major water retention phase, too. I know that next week, I will do better. I just hate that I have to claw, scrape and fight my way back down. 16 weeks in and nowhere near where I wanted to be. Being knocked a few pegs back is no way to face the challenges of the holidays. Being vulnerable is what is going to make me take a nose dive off the weight watchers train and I cannot let that happen. If that happens, DH will blow a gasket over what we have spent to partake in the world of weight watching. That damn scale is my enemy and food is the catalyst for failure. Darn picky eaters are making my journey a boring one and I am losing focus fast. What to do... what to do....
Hitting the gym during the cold and flu season is a recipe for disaster for me and already being under the weather is no driving force to run in the hamster wheel called the treadmill. I like to avoid the germ-infested place where workout junkies refuse to stay home when they are sick to see them sweat all over the equipment. Too cold to enjoy the outdoors and feeling too tired after a few early mornings of back spasms to get the energy to do much else than Lysol my home so when family comes over for Thanksgiving, they won't catch a cold from us. I would be really miffed if my in-laws blame me for more than they already do.
I guess I need to get a grip and get over what the scale says first. Then I need to get a major attitude adjustment because I wanted to smack that woman at weight watchers and all her supposed "helpful hints" and reminders to just keep trying. Believe me, honey, I know what to do. What I think I would prefer to do is just get my jaw wired shut until March. Then I can avoid, with virtually zero effort, all the weight gaining holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day) and lose the weight I desperately want to lose. You know, food made liquid in a blender does make its appeal that much less... hahaha! Knowing that is not an elective procedure and I am not up for getting my jaw broken, I guess I need to take a Midol and get over it... Grrr...
Tomorrow is a new day, right? Just gotta remember to forget feeling vulnerable and start over.
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