Who is to blame?

This evening, at approximately 8:30pm, something that feels so devastating came to the surface.  It all started with DD and DH having a fallout of sorts.  Being as reasonable parents as we can be resulted in a communication gap that I fear cannot be fixed.  Having a "tween" in the house is difficult.  Too young to have real teen angst, but too mature to call it a phase or fit of a child.  It is a stage that seems to be very dark and very alone.  Believing that nobody understands seems to be the culprit, but too scared or stubborn to make the attempt to be heard is not the solution.  Heads butting when it comes to trying to understand.  Screaming matches that make me cringe, then tearful silence with no real resolution as the body tires from pent up frustration.  Trying to explain to DD that we, as parents, were there once and are willing to understand if given the chance.

The laid back and reasonable side of DH seemed to disappear.  His patience being painfully thin resulted in harsh words spoken.  Watching DD and DH stand toe to toe made me feel uncomfortable, but determined to at least try to smooth things over.  Sadly, my attempts were not successful as I hear both of their feelings.  Seeing a stubborn child have lack of faith that things could be better and seeing a stubborn, yet stressed husband express an internal battle that seems like a ticking time bomb on the ready to explode.  Knowing that I have absolutely no solution puts me on edge and fearful for every moment that follows this evening's events.  Questions racing through my head, trying to figure who or what is to blame, but knowing that there is no solid reason why things cannot be better and easier for them.

DD wanting just a little more leniency to an already lenient environment.  Her desire for detachment from her struggles results in her disconnecting from the two people that love her unconditionally and hide in a parental controlled virtual world via the computer.  With the lack of local friends her own age to see, she feels alone.  No social calendar filled with things to do, no siblings to share with, and supposedly out of touch parents, she bottles up her frustrations in silence in her room.  Her request that her room is her sanctuary and that the random visits by her parents should stop causes concern to me.

DH feeling stressed beyond what I figured he was tolerating turns out to be something that is tearing him up internally.  He loves and provides for his family with long hours and limited income to see the struggles of supporting the family he has.  The economic downfall has hit this house hard.  As he tries to keep things afloat financially, he feels that there is little appreciation for all that he does and the sacrifices that he makes for his family.  In fact, he feels that there is no appreciation whatsoever.  Feeling obligated to stay, but has the strong desire to walk away from it all has him feeling torn in trying to decide which would be best for everyone.  His heart issue has placed a major concern that the stress he keeps to himself is going to be the death of him.  Thinking, or better yet, assuming that nobody understands what he is going through has become his crutch that beats down all hope.

Feeling that everything is my fault is what I have been dealing with.  If I never married him, we would not have had a child, we would not have the struggles that we have, and maybe he would feel happier.  He would not have to worry about taking care of anyone else and the financial burden would possibly be less.  I have tirelessly tried to find something that can help support this family.  My part time job does not create a stable and consistent income.  A hairdresser making commission is a feast or famine career.  It offers no health benefits, no retirement plans, no paid vacations, no paid sick days, and no guarantees.  The economy has affected the opportunity for growth, client-wise, and regardless of what I offer as a discount does not guarantee a following or even in increase in what I can earn.  As I have feverishly tried to find more stable work, the agreement between DH and I to be a full time mother has made it difficult to find a job I qualify for since I was the one who changed my life and walked away from a career years ago.  Of course, the job market is no longer an employee market since there are only possibly a few jobs available and thousands of applicants.  I know that there are people more qualified than I am, possibly even just as driven to work hard, and available.  I placed my application with the local high school district for at least 5 jobs that I could be qualified to do only to be turned down.  I finally decided to try another route and place myself on their substitute list to offer my talents to cover when needed.  Needless to say, I have not been called in to work since my application in August.  I can't seem to get my foot in anywhere to even show my worth.  As no other prospects besides commission sales in a slumping economy, all I can do is wait and hope for an opportunity that can offer some consistent and stable income to ease the stress that DH is suffering.  Sadly, I would be less of the mother that is always there for their child, but I am willing to make the sacrifices if given the chance.  Anything to help my family.

DD finally admitted this evening that she dreads Christmas.  She fully understands that we have virtually nothing left to spend on frivolities like gifts or trinkets just because.  The constant denial for things has left a bitter taste in her mouth.  DH dreads the holidays.  The finances are just not there to offer much happiness.  I would love to help them both see that as long as there is love, there is no real need for excessive material things.  As DH told me that the new tires for my truck came from months of savings just to make sure that we have a safe vehicle during the upcoming snow covered winter months, I feel that I am just another liability in his life.  Even though he owns his business, there are expenses to having a business that need to be met; taxes to pay, employees to support, and equipment that needs to be maintained for the sake of safety.  As February is to be approaching, they need to build a safety net to keep their doors open for the slump in work happens that month.  All the while, still trying to keep the basic necessities to support his family.  Being the business owner, he is the first to make sacrifices for the greater good.  This business is his pride and joy he built from nothing.  Losing it would just kill him.  Wondering if he can support his family is causing pain that he cannot even share with me.

As the three of us suffer in silence the stress and inability to fix the issues because of fear, stubbornness, denial or lack of hope. I get to swallow down the fear, put on a brave face and keep trying to keep this family together.  I just do not know who is to blame for this misery.  I guess I need to take this one for the team.  I am used to being the one who is always wrong and can never do enough.