As I posted about the torrential storm that his my home last night, I needed to have a little more release today. As I prepare for a day at my part time job, still feeling under the weather, the medicines making me nauseous (or it could be feeling a bit blindsided last night causing a stress induced sick feeling in the pit of my stomach), and the extreme tired feeling I am experiencing because I did not sleep all that well... I need to have my emotions in check before walking through the door. Dealing with people that come to me for a hair service do not need to see me break down in tears, shake in fear and tell them my woes.
Last night, before DH went to bed, he shared with me his torn and stressful situation. Feeling unappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, he is feeling scared and confused. His desire for a happy family is crumbling around him and has seriously thought of walking away from his family and his marriage. He figures that if he and I went our separate ways, we would be happier. I am not sure what got him to think that life would be easier if we were apart, but he did assure me that his desire to stay has kept him trying to make things better. Even though the idea of going our separate ways still rings in his head. That discussion he gave me about how torn he is blindsided me big time.
For quite a while we have been struggling financially, but we seemed to get along... for the most part. Since his heart issue in July, the perspective of what matters and what doesn't has made a difference in our lives. The quarrels, the snide remarks, the feeling alone that I suffered changed. I was not as alone as I thought. DH made some serious lifestyle changes that offered relief in the forever battle of his coming home late after a few beers every night. His little stress reliever was taken away because his health meant more than those beers. He quit smoking, he became more active, he actually started eating foods that I thought he hated... like bananas. I never saw him eat a piece of fruit willingly... ever. He was coming home earlier and having a beer was no longer a daily thing. His perspective about life changed. He learned to let things go and appreciate each and every day he wakes up to, or so he says. Now I wonder. I gather that a near death experience is the driving force to change your outlook on everything. As I have never had one, I can only guess, but I can say that the threat of losing him made me change my attitude about things. All those things that I thought were big issues became nothing more than a little annoyance that can be tolerated. Somehow, that experience we both had, created a more content and happier co-existence. I still had a minor struggle with my demons of insecurity, but it was far less consuming in my day.
Still leaning on stressful habits like biting my nails and trying to escape through playing computer games, I noticed that there is something boiling under the surface. DH was hiding the stress of our finances as well as he could and trying to control his angered outbursts over our bills when money was needed to be spent. I can only guess that my actions were an indirect reaction to a situation that we both are trying to face... Making ends meet and at least function in a manner that appears that we are doing fine, or so I thought.
Maybe the blindsided feeling is because I have been believing what we have been portraying. We have not been fighting, we keep our conversations light, and with a different look of things after the scare we had mere months ago... we tried to remain in denial that there is anything wrong, or at least he was trying, I thought we were doing okay. Little did I know that ignorance is not bliss when problems are being swept under the rug. Believe me, I was fully aware of our financial issue all along. I just never figured that the desire to quit was there in his mind. You see, strong people face challenges and never try to find an easy out. They are determined to see it through, no matter how difficult it can become. Quitting is not the answer, but determination to make it work is. As I look back almost 4 years ago, I had my moment of throwing my hands in the air and handing the financial reigns to DH. I was tired and frustrated with being blamed that I was wasting money while he was taking a huge pay cut. The fighting and bickering over who was right and who was wrong resulted in me relinquishing the one thing I managed best to show him proof that our financial woes were not my fault, but his willingness to make sacrifices without thinking it through. For years, he had no clue how much things cost. He just knew that the bills were paid and never realized that his sacrifices depleted our savings. I did what I could with the lack of income we had. He had to know that communication is key. Being blissfully ignorant to what happens in our home was no longer an option. He had to realize that his willing sacrifice had repercussions. What blew my mind is that I am not a shopaholic, nor I ever made any large purchase (over $100) without permission first, but was placed blame anyway. Now, we do all the shopping together to keep our budget in check and still I get the blame that everything is so expensive.
I just wonder where he got this idea that if we were to part ways, we would be better off. I figured that married couples get divorced because they no longer love each other, not something like this. I asked him over and over if this desire is because I did something wrong. I even asked him if he still loved me. The only answer I got is that it is not me, he still loves me, but it is the situation... our financial situation. I really do not see this being a solution because we have a child together. Tearing our family apart over something we have no control over, like the job market and the economy, does not make the situation any better.
As the conversation ended and he went to bed, I was assured that parting ways is not what either of us want, but I fear that he just might succumb to the notion and walk away because he has no more fight in him to stay. I do hope and pray that God hears my plead for relief. That things will get better financially and that the stress does not get the best of us. My God offer his grace and help us before it is too late because I am really scared. I know that life does not give us what we want, but offers us what we need. I just hope and pray that life can offer just a little more so we can breathe a little easier.
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