Have you ever had a moment where you thought too much and spoke too little? I seem to be suffering that moment a lot lately. I am not sure why I am at this crossroads, but it is quite frustrating to say the least. Maybe it is because I somehow became more of a recluse than a social butterfly that spreads their wings, but something has got to give really soon or I fear that I will lose the desire to do much of anything. Some may say I appear to have a guilt-ridden attachment to a solitary lifestyle. I revolve my social lifestyle around my family and place them first instead of myself. In fact, I think I do represent that thought and I have been doing this for years. While I have tried to explain it away, I am still having difficulty understanding why I let my family dictate my every move. Is this a side-effect from loving my family too much or a strong sense of responsibility that borders upon being a control freak? Maybe it is due to the belief that if I do even more for them, I will become a little more appreciated? That appearing to be perfect beyond all expectations (of which I still cannot fully achieve), I will finally feel loved by the ones that hold back way too often? Kind of like a child in a family on the brink of a divorce and thinking, if I try harder they will appreciate me more, if I sacrifice more they will love me more, if I do more they will need me more. Either way, I am interacting less with people and I am getting scared.
It almost brings on the feeling that as long as they are happy, I should be happy, no matter how miserable the journey it is to get them to be happy. I seem to have the mental defect that makes me focus more on the task at hand for others than my own personal comfort. I have a very strong work ethic and there rarely ever has been a complaint about my abilities to get a job done and how much I achieve. I recall working for places where I pushed to do more than anyone else, but still did not get any recognition for my efforts. Only more responsibility placed upon me and less placed upon those that surround me. When it came time for reviews, their expectations got higher and higher for me and lowered for those that worked in the same department. Quite a few places I worked at, I took parts of the workload from other departments, but never got a title of recognition for what I did. One place, I started off as a purchasing assistant and ended up with production assistant, inventory control and administrative assistant jobs added to my workload. There was no change in my title and no raise to compensate for the added workload.... just the added responsibility while those that were responsible for their respective jobs took long breaks and socialized. I worked my tail off for a little respect and recognition and ended up being the mythical little fairy that magically got everything done by the end of the day. Needless to say... I was frustrated. When I quit those jobs, I was rendered speechless in telling them that the way I felt was more overworked and under appreciated and I needed to be somewhere where I felt that I was part of a team instead of being the team. What is quite sad about that is that I still cannot land another office job even after all the knowledge I attained because there is no college degree attached to it.
Career life and family life is supposed to be different. How you treat a co-worker is supposed to be different than how you treat a family member. I always believed that regardless of the fact that I am a housewife and caregiver full time and a hairdresser part time, I handle my responsibilities with the same work ethic, but treat the people in the respective parts of my life accordingly. I treat my family as they are family and I treat my coworkers as respected colleagues. Sadly, only one offers me the respect I deserve and I can tell you it is not at home. In fact, I feel as if I am surrounded by friends when I am at work, but surrounded by scrutinizing eyes with my family. Well, there is only one redeeming thing that happened in the confines of the family home..... It appears that my endless talks with DD are finally setting in. She is finally taking her educational career seriously and shared with me her concerns. To finally be looked upon as a person that where their opinion counts has rendered me speechless, but extremely proud and a little skeptical at the same time. It is the start of the school year and DD usually takes things seriously, but this year she is taking it even more seriously than usual. I am very proud of her. I always have been, but being her confidant placed that pride in an even higher level. I fear that as the school year moves forward, her desire to do well will diminish. I seem to keep reminding myself that she is her father's daughter. She looks a lot like me, but there are some qualities that are strictly his and they are some of the most annoying traits he has. Yes, I love DH, but his emotional warfare makes me not like him all that much. Affection being used as bargaining chips is cruel. His determination to be the one to say the last word is maddening. His argumentative skills are vicious and his debating skills are ruthless. Being stubborn is one thing, but between DH and DD.... they are in a class all their own. I do not stand a chance against them.
The deep thinker that I happen to be has put me at a disadvantage while I watch my daughter spread her wings and find new friends and join more social events. The deep thinker and overachiever is at a disadvantage over DH's ability to ignorance of those around him and his lazy tendencies. I could be wrong, though, when it comes to DH's ability to do even less in this marriage. I could be doing too much, but when I stop to take a break.... he gets upset that things are not done or sounds so disappointed when he does things around the house. I know that I have made things too easy for them because of my work ethic, but how do I change that to make this family unit more of a team than a one person show. I really have not been able to figure that out and I am the deep thinker in this group, darn it! My brain is clogged and my mouth is not working.... I am at a very special level of being rendered speechless.
Thanks for reading and have a great day.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Emotion behind the written word....
I have come to the conclusion that I seriously lack the necessary writing ability to work my way out of a wet paper bag with a huge hole in it. Either that, or I have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon; too sensitive for my own good. A book that I recently read encompassed just about every emotion that I have contained in me. I laughed, I reflected and I cried so hard that the view from behind my glasses appeared to look like I was reading under water. Either this author truly experienced fear and disappointment like I have or she knew what words to string together to bring on to make it crystal clear. She had no fear in sharing the result of change so beautifully that I am still trying to get over my emotional reaction to it. Really, I am blown away that this fiction writer could make her story so believable in my eyes. Knowing that it is fiction, I can only hope that there is a ring of truth to it and that it is possible to happen in real life.... my life.
Believe me, it is far easier to show infliction through acting and the use of the voice, but it is a rare gem to feel emotion from reading the written word. Unless, personal experience was the catalyst. Yes, we have heard stories of feeling inadequate and stories of experiencing an emotion that felt alien at first to later learn what that feeling truly is. Yes, we all have our own defense mechanisms that are personally tailored to our individuality that we believe protects us from emotional pain. I even truly believe that we all have the sensitivity to see pain in another's eyes and even manage to muster the courage to do something about it. People are wired to understand emotion, to feel it, and to care for one another. While there is still negative emotion out there (hate, distrust, anger, sadness/depression, frustration, and failure/loss), there is also the ability to not just acknowledge the emotion, but we have the means to do something about it. It is the choices we make to decide what we want to do about it. We can do something or we can do nothing, but the decision is based upon what we feel is best for the situation.
What makes it hard to achieve the goal to improve something is when there is resistance to the attempts being made. People are naturally reactive to fear. Fear of the unknown result of the actions. As people ponder the notion if their actions are going to be received openly, fear has the ability to strangle the courage to actually try and accept the consequences returned to them. Falling in love has no guarantees that what you give freely will be returned just as freely. Rejection of feelings is the hardest obstacle to overcome, thus making it the elusive task that people fear to truly embrace. Usually, once there is love between two people, it should be easily maintained, but alas, it takes even more work to keep it alive. Love alone is not enough for people. It takes trust and understanding of needs.... it demands respect and acceptance. Love is a general term because love encompasses so many things. It encompasses people, places and things. The depth of compassion varies. I love my family and my friends, but it is not a guarantee that I am loved the same way in return. Yes, these people happen to care and they matter to me deeply, but it is not the fulfilling level of love that one person seeks to truly feel what honest, carnal love is capable of offering. Call it a soul mate, a kindred and cosmic connection, but it is that kind of love that everyone strives for. That one true love that fills us with feelings that are hard to describe. That kind of love that encompasses all the positive feelings that we strive to have in our lives. That feeling of being free from fear that strangles us to truly embrace the happiness within. To know that regardless what life throws at us, there is someone that stands behind us to catch us if we are to fall, to stand beside us so we never feel alone, and to stand in front of us to protect us from the slings and arrows that life will always threaten us. Pretty tall order, but so easy to do as long as the actions and feeling are returned at the same caliber.
I have never asked for someone to carry me through life. There is a carnal necessity to be self-sufficient, independent and strong. I am required to love myself in order to know how to love someone else. My happiness is in my grasp and as long as I seek it, I will find it. Failure is success being put to the test. As long as I keep trying, I truly never have failed. It saddens me that there are people that refuse to think beyond their own needs. It is those that have emotional greed and the inability to give in return that makes life difficult. Where do they get off thinking that the feelings of others holds no validity? It is truly the need to feast upon the goodwill of others a good thing? I think not! The most humbling thing to experience is seeing the efforts of another to right a wrong that they have created.... to take a bad situation and make it better.
I just need to give kudos to this author and all authors out there that can bring on emotion through their writing. If I had a smidgen of your talent.... the sky is the limit. Thank you for being able to tap into emotions that offer deep feeling as well as teach us.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
Believe me, it is far easier to show infliction through acting and the use of the voice, but it is a rare gem to feel emotion from reading the written word. Unless, personal experience was the catalyst. Yes, we have heard stories of feeling inadequate and stories of experiencing an emotion that felt alien at first to later learn what that feeling truly is. Yes, we all have our own defense mechanisms that are personally tailored to our individuality that we believe protects us from emotional pain. I even truly believe that we all have the sensitivity to see pain in another's eyes and even manage to muster the courage to do something about it. People are wired to understand emotion, to feel it, and to care for one another. While there is still negative emotion out there (hate, distrust, anger, sadness/depression, frustration, and failure/loss), there is also the ability to not just acknowledge the emotion, but we have the means to do something about it. It is the choices we make to decide what we want to do about it. We can do something or we can do nothing, but the decision is based upon what we feel is best for the situation.
What makes it hard to achieve the goal to improve something is when there is resistance to the attempts being made. People are naturally reactive to fear. Fear of the unknown result of the actions. As people ponder the notion if their actions are going to be received openly, fear has the ability to strangle the courage to actually try and accept the consequences returned to them. Falling in love has no guarantees that what you give freely will be returned just as freely. Rejection of feelings is the hardest obstacle to overcome, thus making it the elusive task that people fear to truly embrace. Usually, once there is love between two people, it should be easily maintained, but alas, it takes even more work to keep it alive. Love alone is not enough for people. It takes trust and understanding of needs.... it demands respect and acceptance. Love is a general term because love encompasses so many things. It encompasses people, places and things. The depth of compassion varies. I love my family and my friends, but it is not a guarantee that I am loved the same way in return. Yes, these people happen to care and they matter to me deeply, but it is not the fulfilling level of love that one person seeks to truly feel what honest, carnal love is capable of offering. Call it a soul mate, a kindred and cosmic connection, but it is that kind of love that everyone strives for. That one true love that fills us with feelings that are hard to describe. That kind of love that encompasses all the positive feelings that we strive to have in our lives. That feeling of being free from fear that strangles us to truly embrace the happiness within. To know that regardless what life throws at us, there is someone that stands behind us to catch us if we are to fall, to stand beside us so we never feel alone, and to stand in front of us to protect us from the slings and arrows that life will always threaten us. Pretty tall order, but so easy to do as long as the actions and feeling are returned at the same caliber.
I have never asked for someone to carry me through life. There is a carnal necessity to be self-sufficient, independent and strong. I am required to love myself in order to know how to love someone else. My happiness is in my grasp and as long as I seek it, I will find it. Failure is success being put to the test. As long as I keep trying, I truly never have failed. It saddens me that there are people that refuse to think beyond their own needs. It is those that have emotional greed and the inability to give in return that makes life difficult. Where do they get off thinking that the feelings of others holds no validity? It is truly the need to feast upon the goodwill of others a good thing? I think not! The most humbling thing to experience is seeing the efforts of another to right a wrong that they have created.... to take a bad situation and make it better.
I just need to give kudos to this author and all authors out there that can bring on emotion through their writing. If I had a smidgen of your talent.... the sky is the limit. Thank you for being able to tap into emotions that offer deep feeling as well as teach us.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Hanging in there.....
Being married for 14 years should be congratulated. Especially when it has been as difficult as it has been for me. Well, it has not always been miserable, but I will admit that there has been a lot of effort on my part to keep things going somewhat smoothly. There has been a lot of sacrifice made on my part and a little sacrifice on his. I figured that all marriages take effort, just like any relationship a couple has. I was just not prepared to accept that when I married my best friend that I married a person incapable of depth beyond the stage of the relationship when the courtship ends. Meaning, that pivotal moment when the effort to snare the attention of a mate stops and you see the true person for who they are. I was just smitten beyond the normal realm to convince myself that once this relationship went to the next level (aka marriage), that I ended up being the one to conform alone, accept and embrace the lacking I got. No matter how much I try to figure things out, I know that change will never happen as long as there is the lack of desire to change. Out of the kindness of my heart and the determination to put in 110% in this marriage, I have enabled disrespect and lack of effort from my family. I fear that it is too late to fix this problem since it has been going on for roughly the whole time I have been married. I sometimes wonder if marrying my best friend was an err in marital judgement. Well, I wonder more now than back when being married was new....
My futile attempts to shedding light on those minuscule, but important things have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes. Seeing that my needs will not be met unless they are offered as bargaining chips to make me do things that I am not up to doing is no way to see that this union as anything less than a poor business merger. Living vicariously through romance novels to fill in the void where my life seems to be lacking is really no way to live, but after DD was born.... I now have others to consider first. I understand the meaning of needs and fulfilling them takes effort. Every decision I make no longer affects just me anymore... it affects a very innocent person that did not ask to be put in this situation. I know that I am stronger by holding my resolve to keep trying. I am setting the example that success is not handed on a silver platter and that a failure is not necessarily a true failure if you keep trying... no matter what. While I have been told by many to seek my own happiness and let everything and everybody else deal with the consequences, I just do not have a vindictive bone in my body to never consider those closest to me first. Life is a challenge and as long as nobody is getting physically hurt... you can only grow in character strength with the less than desirable events happening around you.
While I know that walking away is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a sign of incredible strength, there is just a point in life that you need to face your choices and do the best that you can with them. We all have choices in life. Go this way or that; stay or go; fight or adapt... we base our choices on what we feel is best for ourselves and what we believe we can endure. While some choices made are really good ones, we have an equal amount of poor choices we have made. It is what balances us as well as teaches us along the way. If you ever chose to put your hand on a hot stove burner and got burnt, you learned that it was an undesirable experience and you know better to never do that again. Same goes for something that was positive in your life that you experienced. It is far easier to repeat good events than poor ones. The difference is... we have to experience it first to make the assessment if it is good or bad. Knowledge is key. Making rash decisions does not guarantee that you will get good results. I have never been a risk taker, nor am I to dabble in testing the waters elsewhere. At this stage in my life, I am more prone to fully examine the pros and cons of a decision I am about to make. Sadly, it does not happen quickly, for as you can see I still have hope that undesirable things can turn around for the better. I know that I am probably missing out on some really great opportunities, but I am very uncertain when it comes to the risk of regret. In my youth, I was more of a fast thinker and decision maker. If I was not happy with something, I would change my course without much planning. It was only me that I was thinking about. Now I have others to consider.
As amazed as I am that I have made it this far in my marriage, I am starting to lose my grip in holding onto hope that better things are to happen. I am hanging in there because I am scared. I am not afraid of being alone, if that is what you are thinking. I am afraid that making a big decision that affects more than me will become more devastating to those around me. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I cannot make things change for the better in my eyes. I can scream and fight, but I lack the skills to present a strong argument to get the help or respect I desire. Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, I just do not like what he does to me. Maybe his ignorance to my feelings is something he does not see being that hurtful. Maybe his inability to connect with me is his way of respecting me and my needs. Maybe his lack of communication skills is his way of keeping things together for us. Maybe his very random outbursts of anger and resentment towards me is his way of coping with stress outside of our union. While verbal abuse can be as brutal as physical, it is quite possible that he sees this as a better choice to dealing with things than to actually hit the person he loves. There are times he just decides to say absolutely nothing to me for days instead of leaving a visual mark on me. I can only guess that he feels that I am strong enough to take harsh words than find ways to heal broken bones or hide bruises for others to see. While I cannot understand his reasons for what he does and does not do, I can only assume that there is love there for me. Just not enough for me to feel actual love. Every individual is different. I need to remind myself that what one sees as one thing is not necessarily seen the same way by another.
While I blog my feelings and thoughts as my release and to share to others that I could possibly relate to what they are experiencing, I can only hope that what I share sheds light that nobody is truly alone in this world. We are all hanging on to what life offers through our choices. Good, bad, or indifferent, our journey is never a boring one. So, in closing... I would like to wish a happy anniversary, DH, we made it this far.... How much farther will we go? I do not know, but 14 years is a long time.....
Thanks for reading and have a great day. As for me.... I have the house to myself while DH is at work, DD is at school, and nothing special has been planned. 14 years is not really a benchmark year to speak of, so it is just another ordinary day for us.
My futile attempts to shedding light on those minuscule, but important things have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes. Seeing that my needs will not be met unless they are offered as bargaining chips to make me do things that I am not up to doing is no way to see that this union as anything less than a poor business merger. Living vicariously through romance novels to fill in the void where my life seems to be lacking is really no way to live, but after DD was born.... I now have others to consider first. I understand the meaning of needs and fulfilling them takes effort. Every decision I make no longer affects just me anymore... it affects a very innocent person that did not ask to be put in this situation. I know that I am stronger by holding my resolve to keep trying. I am setting the example that success is not handed on a silver platter and that a failure is not necessarily a true failure if you keep trying... no matter what. While I have been told by many to seek my own happiness and let everything and everybody else deal with the consequences, I just do not have a vindictive bone in my body to never consider those closest to me first. Life is a challenge and as long as nobody is getting physically hurt... you can only grow in character strength with the less than desirable events happening around you.
While I know that walking away is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a sign of incredible strength, there is just a point in life that you need to face your choices and do the best that you can with them. We all have choices in life. Go this way or that; stay or go; fight or adapt... we base our choices on what we feel is best for ourselves and what we believe we can endure. While some choices made are really good ones, we have an equal amount of poor choices we have made. It is what balances us as well as teaches us along the way. If you ever chose to put your hand on a hot stove burner and got burnt, you learned that it was an undesirable experience and you know better to never do that again. Same goes for something that was positive in your life that you experienced. It is far easier to repeat good events than poor ones. The difference is... we have to experience it first to make the assessment if it is good or bad. Knowledge is key. Making rash decisions does not guarantee that you will get good results. I have never been a risk taker, nor am I to dabble in testing the waters elsewhere. At this stage in my life, I am more prone to fully examine the pros and cons of a decision I am about to make. Sadly, it does not happen quickly, for as you can see I still have hope that undesirable things can turn around for the better. I know that I am probably missing out on some really great opportunities, but I am very uncertain when it comes to the risk of regret. In my youth, I was more of a fast thinker and decision maker. If I was not happy with something, I would change my course without much planning. It was only me that I was thinking about. Now I have others to consider.
As amazed as I am that I have made it this far in my marriage, I am starting to lose my grip in holding onto hope that better things are to happen. I am hanging in there because I am scared. I am not afraid of being alone, if that is what you are thinking. I am afraid that making a big decision that affects more than me will become more devastating to those around me. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I cannot make things change for the better in my eyes. I can scream and fight, but I lack the skills to present a strong argument to get the help or respect I desire. Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, I just do not like what he does to me. Maybe his ignorance to my feelings is something he does not see being that hurtful. Maybe his inability to connect with me is his way of respecting me and my needs. Maybe his lack of communication skills is his way of keeping things together for us. Maybe his very random outbursts of anger and resentment towards me is his way of coping with stress outside of our union. While verbal abuse can be as brutal as physical, it is quite possible that he sees this as a better choice to dealing with things than to actually hit the person he loves. There are times he just decides to say absolutely nothing to me for days instead of leaving a visual mark on me. I can only guess that he feels that I am strong enough to take harsh words than find ways to heal broken bones or hide bruises for others to see. While I cannot understand his reasons for what he does and does not do, I can only assume that there is love there for me. Just not enough for me to feel actual love. Every individual is different. I need to remind myself that what one sees as one thing is not necessarily seen the same way by another.
While I blog my feelings and thoughts as my release and to share to others that I could possibly relate to what they are experiencing, I can only hope that what I share sheds light that nobody is truly alone in this world. We are all hanging on to what life offers through our choices. Good, bad, or indifferent, our journey is never a boring one. So, in closing... I would like to wish a happy anniversary, DH, we made it this far.... How much farther will we go? I do not know, but 14 years is a long time.....
Thanks for reading and have a great day. As for me.... I have the house to myself while DH is at work, DD is at school, and nothing special has been planned. 14 years is not really a benchmark year to speak of, so it is just another ordinary day for us.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Just something to consider.....
Yesterday, after I took my second day dose of a steroid to help me fight this battle of what started off as a simple allergy flareup that turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis fight for a decent night's sleep, I became energized to finally get my backside in gear and reclaim a remotely cleaner home. Those 10 weeks of having DD home for summer break and my insatiable reading jag put me behind on my usual chores. I am not saying that my house was a total wreck, but it did not measure up to my neat-freakish standards. Glorious thing, those steroids are. Sure can put some serious needed energy in these lazy bones. Sadly, taking that stuff is terrible for the internal workings of a person. With DD having asthmatic tendencies, I am very aware of what steroids can do to a person. Fortunately, in both cases for DD and I, the duration of being on this stuff is minimal and random.
With all this chemical energy running through my body, as well as the lack of being able to have a solid 7 hours of restful sleep, I had a very early start to my day. No complaints about that. I had a full day of things I needed to accomplish. While I managed to achieve some serious cleaning in my home before I went into work to attend to a few clients. I managed to get the main floor of my home clean. The main floor of my home is basically a small foyer, the kitchen, the dining room and the living room. From ceiling to floor and everything in between I cleaned like it was a life or death event. Remember, I live with 2 clutter-bugs that are incapable of cleaning up after themselves. While I did manage to do surface cleaning over the summer, these rooms really needed a little more TLC in the worst way. Between DD and DH, they can sure leave a fair amount of disaster in their wake that I lacked to attend to fully over the past 10 weeks of DD's summer break. Well, today I managed to get caught up when it comes to cleaning on that floor of the house. I swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted and steam cleaned carpets. It looked like I did not have two clutter-bugs living with me when I stopped to get showered and dressed for my few hours I was needed at work. It felt great! It was looking like a good day.
Then, while I was at work, I was working on a color service for a co-worker and was in the zone. What I mean by in the zone is being able to work efficiently while doing a little mental multitasking of other things. As I was applying hair color with weaving out pieces to put in foils for highlights, I was making a mental to-do list for at home. I focused on the fact that my to-do list is quite intricate. I list the steps to all the individual tasks as if it is something explained as a job description for a resume'. For example... Laundry: I collect all the dirty clothing around the house, I sort it, wash it, dry it, fold it, and put it away in it's respective place. Then it dawns on me... What does my family do with the laundry? Here is their descriptive list.... Pull out clothes, put them on, and leave the dirty clothes wherever they happen to land. Do you see the problem here??? I do. For the 6 steps I take, they only take 3. Does that sound like an equal divide of the situation? Nope. While I see this as being a nitpicker over small details, I noticed that there are plenty of other areas that I have been getting the short end of the stick, so to speak. I know that it is my job to keep the house clean and running smoothly, but really??... why are they not taking a more active role to attending to their personal property? How hard is it to put your dirty clothes in the laundry room's bins that sort the dark clothes from the whites and the colors? Heck, even putting the dirty clothes in the vicinity of the laundry room would be appreciated. I really do not mind sorting all that much. Or even taking the initiative to putting away their own clean clothes that I washed, dried and folded (of course, the washing and drying does come from machines... I have been allowed to have a washer and dryer. I do not wash the clothes with a rock by the river or hand them on a clothesline to dry, but in essence, I am working the machine even though I am not being the machine.). Lets talk a bit on another task.... Picking up something you dropped or spilled. Really, it is that hard to mop up your small spill on the table or floor? Is it against their human nature to pick up that piece of popcorn or corn chip off the floor and throw it away? Apparently, it is beneath them to do a small task that takes really no time at all to attend to it. While I do not complain that I wash down the table, mop the floors, vacuum the crumbs and steam clean out the spills from the carpet.... It would be nice to not have it a daily requirement of mine to tackle alone. With the thought about the crumbs on the floor, I realized that is how our German Shepherd (may she rest in peace) was overweight. Of course, not all of her weight was fat.... she was mostly muscle, but she did end up eating stuff that is not healthy for a dog.
Just realizing that fact that I do way more than I need to, I was a little frustrated nonetheless. Only to come home after work to seeing DH's crumbs from his lunch on my freshly cleaned floor, DD's garbage from her juice pouch sitting on my recently cleaned table, and dirty socks laying in the front hall that I just mopped a mere few hours ago. Suddenly, I snapped. DD's snippy tone that she gave that she would get to throwing out her garbage was the spark that started the rage that could not stop. Once DH came home, I informed him that the lack of appreciation for what I do every day is shown in their inability to try to keep what I just cleaned... clean. (Yep, I told him about his chip crumb on the floor). Of course, I could not stop with my observations of disrespect to my efforts that happened over the past 4 hours I was away from the house. I foraged forward with my gripes over socks on the floor, empty recyclable items left in the fridge, freezer or placed on the counter, the inability to throw away any garbage from wrappers to paper plates, and I even mentioned that regardless that our carpets are really in need of replacement.... he needs to keep his greasy work shoes off the carpet in the dining room. It felt good to get that off my chest. I did get an apology from DH, but I know that it was just words to shut down my tirade. Tomorrow, I will yet again go over all that I cleaned while I try to tackle even more much needed cleaning. Chances are, by the weekend, I will be tackling the lawn work, too. DH makes excuses to not take care of stuff that he claims is his responsibility, but complains that nobody does anything around that house anyway. Yep, the cleaning fairy went on strike and supposedly he does more than me... HA! I have been taking the garbage to the curb for years because DH can't pull himself away from the TV to do it for me. While in most normal domestic situations, the person that cooks has the dishes washed by the person who ate the cooking.... not in my house. I cook and do the dishes. Talk about lack of appreciation or consideration!
Today's motto: If you see your significant other looking quite frazzled and gets snappy about being disrespected.... you better listen and do something about it. It is not necessarily about what they do every day... it is those extra steps to achieve the task that could be getting him/her angry. It does not take much to try to maintain a clean environment if you participate in keeping things clean and by the act of helping.... it is the best way to show appreciation if you are unable to say it. Just something to consider..... I will admit that my little tantrum got DH to finally put his dirty socks in the laundry room this morning. Sadly, this is only a temporary thing and by next week, he will return to his old habit of leaving them in a pile by his side of the bed.
Thanks for reading and have a great day. I am striving for a better day today....
With all this chemical energy running through my body, as well as the lack of being able to have a solid 7 hours of restful sleep, I had a very early start to my day. No complaints about that. I had a full day of things I needed to accomplish. While I managed to achieve some serious cleaning in my home before I went into work to attend to a few clients. I managed to get the main floor of my home clean. The main floor of my home is basically a small foyer, the kitchen, the dining room and the living room. From ceiling to floor and everything in between I cleaned like it was a life or death event. Remember, I live with 2 clutter-bugs that are incapable of cleaning up after themselves. While I did manage to do surface cleaning over the summer, these rooms really needed a little more TLC in the worst way. Between DD and DH, they can sure leave a fair amount of disaster in their wake that I lacked to attend to fully over the past 10 weeks of DD's summer break. Well, today I managed to get caught up when it comes to cleaning on that floor of the house. I swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted and steam cleaned carpets. It looked like I did not have two clutter-bugs living with me when I stopped to get showered and dressed for my few hours I was needed at work. It felt great! It was looking like a good day.
Then, while I was at work, I was working on a color service for a co-worker and was in the zone. What I mean by in the zone is being able to work efficiently while doing a little mental multitasking of other things. As I was applying hair color with weaving out pieces to put in foils for highlights, I was making a mental to-do list for at home. I focused on the fact that my to-do list is quite intricate. I list the steps to all the individual tasks as if it is something explained as a job description for a resume'. For example... Laundry: I collect all the dirty clothing around the house, I sort it, wash it, dry it, fold it, and put it away in it's respective place. Then it dawns on me... What does my family do with the laundry? Here is their descriptive list.... Pull out clothes, put them on, and leave the dirty clothes wherever they happen to land. Do you see the problem here??? I do. For the 6 steps I take, they only take 3. Does that sound like an equal divide of the situation? Nope. While I see this as being a nitpicker over small details, I noticed that there are plenty of other areas that I have been getting the short end of the stick, so to speak. I know that it is my job to keep the house clean and running smoothly, but really??... why are they not taking a more active role to attending to their personal property? How hard is it to put your dirty clothes in the laundry room's bins that sort the dark clothes from the whites and the colors? Heck, even putting the dirty clothes in the vicinity of the laundry room would be appreciated. I really do not mind sorting all that much. Or even taking the initiative to putting away their own clean clothes that I washed, dried and folded (of course, the washing and drying does come from machines... I have been allowed to have a washer and dryer. I do not wash the clothes with a rock by the river or hand them on a clothesline to dry, but in essence, I am working the machine even though I am not being the machine.). Lets talk a bit on another task.... Picking up something you dropped or spilled. Really, it is that hard to mop up your small spill on the table or floor? Is it against their human nature to pick up that piece of popcorn or corn chip off the floor and throw it away? Apparently, it is beneath them to do a small task that takes really no time at all to attend to it. While I do not complain that I wash down the table, mop the floors, vacuum the crumbs and steam clean out the spills from the carpet.... It would be nice to not have it a daily requirement of mine to tackle alone. With the thought about the crumbs on the floor, I realized that is how our German Shepherd (may she rest in peace) was overweight. Of course, not all of her weight was fat.... she was mostly muscle, but she did end up eating stuff that is not healthy for a dog.
Just realizing that fact that I do way more than I need to, I was a little frustrated nonetheless. Only to come home after work to seeing DH's crumbs from his lunch on my freshly cleaned floor, DD's garbage from her juice pouch sitting on my recently cleaned table, and dirty socks laying in the front hall that I just mopped a mere few hours ago. Suddenly, I snapped. DD's snippy tone that she gave that she would get to throwing out her garbage was the spark that started the rage that could not stop. Once DH came home, I informed him that the lack of appreciation for what I do every day is shown in their inability to try to keep what I just cleaned... clean. (Yep, I told him about his chip crumb on the floor). Of course, I could not stop with my observations of disrespect to my efforts that happened over the past 4 hours I was away from the house. I foraged forward with my gripes over socks on the floor, empty recyclable items left in the fridge, freezer or placed on the counter, the inability to throw away any garbage from wrappers to paper plates, and I even mentioned that regardless that our carpets are really in need of replacement.... he needs to keep his greasy work shoes off the carpet in the dining room. It felt good to get that off my chest. I did get an apology from DH, but I know that it was just words to shut down my tirade. Tomorrow, I will yet again go over all that I cleaned while I try to tackle even more much needed cleaning. Chances are, by the weekend, I will be tackling the lawn work, too. DH makes excuses to not take care of stuff that he claims is his responsibility, but complains that nobody does anything around that house anyway. Yep, the cleaning fairy went on strike and supposedly he does more than me... HA! I have been taking the garbage to the curb for years because DH can't pull himself away from the TV to do it for me. While in most normal domestic situations, the person that cooks has the dishes washed by the person who ate the cooking.... not in my house. I cook and do the dishes. Talk about lack of appreciation or consideration!
Today's motto: If you see your significant other looking quite frazzled and gets snappy about being disrespected.... you better listen and do something about it. It is not necessarily about what they do every day... it is those extra steps to achieve the task that could be getting him/her angry. It does not take much to try to maintain a clean environment if you participate in keeping things clean and by the act of helping.... it is the best way to show appreciation if you are unable to say it. Just something to consider..... I will admit that my little tantrum got DH to finally put his dirty socks in the laundry room this morning. Sadly, this is only a temporary thing and by next week, he will return to his old habit of leaving them in a pile by his side of the bed.
Thanks for reading and have a great day. I am striving for a better day today....
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Signs....
Like the song, "Signs", by Five Man Electric Band, the word sign informs you of what is expected or offers a warning. Quite frustrating when there are so many that expect so much, but today's blog is about another kind of sign that can create the same level of frustration or anger. Today's sign is about the revelation that tells you, "it's pretty darn awful when..." and you know you have no other choice but to do something about it.
How about when it is something painfully obvious that you are dealing with? What started off as simply allergies that quickly turned into something far worse that requires a doctor's attention. All the signs were there... Congestion, sneezing, coughing, painfully swollen sinuses, loss of taste/smell, and body aches. Those simple things we take for granted are no longer working right, and you know you need help. While I know that when I am not feeling well, I have the tendency to being really mean. In fact, I believe I was told that I turn into a bitch when I am not feeling right. DH happens to remind me often of that. When I was pregnant with DD, it was DH's first dose of the nasty creature I am capable of becoming. Morning sickness was something I did not like. While I try to soften the blow of being miserable with being sarcastic in the way that the comedian, Bill Engval, has of his coined phrase.... "well, here's your sign" after giving an off the wall explanation to something that people could easily figure out the obvious.
In fact, I do recall having a Bill Engval moment in the doctor's office yesterday. While I know that it is just habit for doctors to ask you how you are when they walk into the room as their way of having a remotely decent bedside manner, it is just a huge opening for the bitch in me (because I am not feeling well, remember?) to come out. When the good old doc asked that question to me yesterday upon her arrival to the room where I waited for her, I could not help myself and became the sarcastic bitch with.... "well, I feel just darn wonderful, doc! I just wanted to waste some money I do not have to give you a visit.... what do you think? (here's your sign)" Of course, she has known me for years and changed her questions from there on. After a few pokes, prods, a cold stethoscope on my back, some heavy panting, some pointed questions about sinus discharge, a lighted scope shining in my ears and a look down my throat.... she stated the obvious conclusion that I had before I went in to see her.... I have a sinus infection. Her added bonus is that I had a slight wheeze and that is a sign of bronchitis knocking on the door. After a brief talk about what she in prescribing for me to take and how to take it, I was on my way.
Once I was home with all the medicines I am now required to take in order to get better, I had a new round of stupid questions waiting for me once my family returned home. Obviously, I am not allowed to get sick. DH ended up getting reminded to why I get sinus infections so easily when he asked what the doctor's prognosis was, DD was smart to keep her distance when she got home from school, but made the fatal mistake of being snarky when I asked her to clean up her mess from her homework assignment, DH with his lack of compassion for when I am not feeling well gave me a guilt trip when it was time to get the dishes washed and to take the garbage out, so I took care of it myself and I ended up sleeping poorly in the recliner for another night.
Why is it that people lack the memory of things being told to them to why things happen? I have been with DH for almost 16 years and 14 of them are married, and he still forgets why I am so prone to sinus infections. Really, how many times do I need to remind him that I was told that an old injury to my nose (I broke it, but only so slightly that my nose looks straight from a softball accident in High School) is the culprit and that the solution is to have surgery to straighten it out so there is no chance for irritants to get trapped and become infected every time, such a hard thing to remember? I am not a fan of elective surgery and it is not a constant issue with me, but a painful one when it happens. The way I see it is that I have character that is hidden pretty well. If it was more obvious, I would have decided to do something about it, but I really am not all that vain to worry about it. Who knows.... is it possible that my inability to change things that cannot be seen is the reason that they lack the compassion to where my feelings are concerned? Maybe my lack of attention to my own little details is the sign that others should not care, either? If it is.... where can I add more to that sign that I would appreciate a little compassion from time to time for others to see? Heck, I care more about them than I do for myself, but I so hope that someday they could care about me just a little more from time to time. Maybe my caring too much for them leaves them no room or desire to care for others since I do it all for them anyway. UGH! Darn medicines! Makes me dopey! Maybe I can try to get my glasses back on and do some reading today. I hate taking more than a couple of days to read a book and this book that should have taken me only two days to read is only half done and I have had it for four days already. Darn sign that my being sick makes it hard to wear my glasses or even see straight. The only up side is that food is tasteless. I just might lose a few more pounds from the lack of desire to eat tasteless stuff. Time to get the PineSol out and do some heavy duty cleaning anyway. Once I can smell again, I will know I did a good job cleaning. Yep, my best defense to being sick is to deal and move forward. Complaining gets me nowhere.
Thanks for reading and have a great day! As for me, the housewife, caregiver and maid.... I am not allowed sick time and is required to keep working. The only way out of this is to call in dead and that is not likely since I woke up on the top side of the sod. I'll never catch a break.....
How about when it is something painfully obvious that you are dealing with? What started off as simply allergies that quickly turned into something far worse that requires a doctor's attention. All the signs were there... Congestion, sneezing, coughing, painfully swollen sinuses, loss of taste/smell, and body aches. Those simple things we take for granted are no longer working right, and you know you need help. While I know that when I am not feeling well, I have the tendency to being really mean. In fact, I believe I was told that I turn into a bitch when I am not feeling right. DH happens to remind me often of that. When I was pregnant with DD, it was DH's first dose of the nasty creature I am capable of becoming. Morning sickness was something I did not like. While I try to soften the blow of being miserable with being sarcastic in the way that the comedian, Bill Engval, has of his coined phrase.... "well, here's your sign" after giving an off the wall explanation to something that people could easily figure out the obvious.
In fact, I do recall having a Bill Engval moment in the doctor's office yesterday. While I know that it is just habit for doctors to ask you how you are when they walk into the room as their way of having a remotely decent bedside manner, it is just a huge opening for the bitch in me (because I am not feeling well, remember?) to come out. When the good old doc asked that question to me yesterday upon her arrival to the room where I waited for her, I could not help myself and became the sarcastic bitch with.... "well, I feel just darn wonderful, doc! I just wanted to waste some money I do not have to give you a visit.... what do you think? (here's your sign)" Of course, she has known me for years and changed her questions from there on. After a few pokes, prods, a cold stethoscope on my back, some heavy panting, some pointed questions about sinus discharge, a lighted scope shining in my ears and a look down my throat.... she stated the obvious conclusion that I had before I went in to see her.... I have a sinus infection. Her added bonus is that I had a slight wheeze and that is a sign of bronchitis knocking on the door. After a brief talk about what she in prescribing for me to take and how to take it, I was on my way.
Once I was home with all the medicines I am now required to take in order to get better, I had a new round of stupid questions waiting for me once my family returned home. Obviously, I am not allowed to get sick. DH ended up getting reminded to why I get sinus infections so easily when he asked what the doctor's prognosis was, DD was smart to keep her distance when she got home from school, but made the fatal mistake of being snarky when I asked her to clean up her mess from her homework assignment, DH with his lack of compassion for when I am not feeling well gave me a guilt trip when it was time to get the dishes washed and to take the garbage out, so I took care of it myself and I ended up sleeping poorly in the recliner for another night.
Why is it that people lack the memory of things being told to them to why things happen? I have been with DH for almost 16 years and 14 of them are married, and he still forgets why I am so prone to sinus infections. Really, how many times do I need to remind him that I was told that an old injury to my nose (I broke it, but only so slightly that my nose looks straight from a softball accident in High School) is the culprit and that the solution is to have surgery to straighten it out so there is no chance for irritants to get trapped and become infected every time, such a hard thing to remember? I am not a fan of elective surgery and it is not a constant issue with me, but a painful one when it happens. The way I see it is that I have character that is hidden pretty well. If it was more obvious, I would have decided to do something about it, but I really am not all that vain to worry about it. Who knows.... is it possible that my inability to change things that cannot be seen is the reason that they lack the compassion to where my feelings are concerned? Maybe my lack of attention to my own little details is the sign that others should not care, either? If it is.... where can I add more to that sign that I would appreciate a little compassion from time to time for others to see? Heck, I care more about them than I do for myself, but I so hope that someday they could care about me just a little more from time to time. Maybe my caring too much for them leaves them no room or desire to care for others since I do it all for them anyway. UGH! Darn medicines! Makes me dopey! Maybe I can try to get my glasses back on and do some reading today. I hate taking more than a couple of days to read a book and this book that should have taken me only two days to read is only half done and I have had it for four days already. Darn sign that my being sick makes it hard to wear my glasses or even see straight. The only up side is that food is tasteless. I just might lose a few more pounds from the lack of desire to eat tasteless stuff. Time to get the PineSol out and do some heavy duty cleaning anyway. Once I can smell again, I will know I did a good job cleaning. Yep, my best defense to being sick is to deal and move forward. Complaining gets me nowhere.
Thanks for reading and have a great day! As for me, the housewife, caregiver and maid.... I am not allowed sick time and is required to keep working. The only way out of this is to call in dead and that is not likely since I woke up on the top side of the sod. I'll never catch a break.....
Monday, August 27, 2012
Changes....
Good morning! Quick blog today (or at least I hope so) because I have plenty to do. School is back in session here and I now have reign of the domain! 10 weeks of having DD home sure does change the routine. I am a neat freak by nature, except when there are other people around. The reason is from years of training from my family that no matter how vigorous I clean, it will be dirty again before the day is done. Between DD and DH's inability to pick up after themselves, it is my responsibility to keep this house clean. They know all too well how impatient I get when I need something done, so they have managed to strengthen their resolve to do absolutely nothing so they are not required to do much when they are home. Sadly, my efforts are not as appreciated as they should be. In fact, I seriously believe that they feel entitled to reside in a clean house by someone else's efforts and this cleaning fairy does not get credit..... EVER!
When I do put my foot down and leave a mess for them to tackle.... all I hear is whining or complaining at how they always do that task. Hearing DH whine about doing the dishes once a week sounds more like I am torturing him or that I never wash the dishes. Believe me.... I wash dishes all the time. Lately, I have decided to leave that task for the end of the day because it is a waste of water to fill a sink with soapy water to wash one or two items. Same goes for the laundry. If there is not enough to do a full load.... I am not filling a washing machine for a few items. Call me frugal, but I just do not get the urgency to wash one thing over and over again throughout the day. Wiping down the bathroom sink is obviously beneath them, so I wait until everyone else is done and then I handle the task. Heck, even putting their dirty clothes in the hamper is beyond their abilities. Wherever they take it off is where it stays. Same goes for dropping crumbs or small spills. Zero effort to bend over and pick it up or wipe it up. For years I followed my family with a bucket of cleaning supplies, broom/dust pan, and garbage bag. I decided that efforts like that are a waste of energy and murder on my back. Nowadays, I wait until I am alone to get things done. It is actually a wonderful feeling to clean something... anything... and it stays clean for at least a few hours or so.
While DH is always away at work, I do manage to get some things done, but now since DD is back in school.... I get to go full swing on getting this house back in order. I am thrilled, but overwhelmed at the same time. I had 10 weeks of going at half speed. Half speed never got everything done that I wanted done. YIKES! Just looking at the list of my to-do list... I might finally catch up to the point where it is just maintaining the clean by the holidays and then I will get behind again when family comes to visit.
As I watched DD get on the bus this morning for her first day in junior high, I noticed that my day can start earlier, but it also ends earlier. DH out the door at 7am and DD out the door 20 minutes later.... I should be motivated to get this day going, but alas, I am still on summer hours and lacking motivation to do much before 9am. With DD coming home earlier.... instead of 3:30pm, she is home roughly 45 minutes earlier. With the earlier time frame to get things done.... I need to get this transition to go smoother. Oh heck, I need at least a week to get the hang of having the house to myself again. I guess that being a full time parent does have its perks... no matter how dismal it may sound.... My job is never done, I do not get vacation days and I sure as heck do not get sick days. With this darn cold or allergies that hit hard and fast this weekend.... I am lacking complete motivation to do anything today. Well, since I do not get sick time off and I procrastinated enough with blogging for today.... it is time to get a-move-on and tackle something today. Since my job never ends.... there will always be tomorrow to get more done.... and the next day and the next day and the next. This change from summer break to school being back in session sure is a tough one to tackle. If DD can do it, I certainly can. Ready or not.... here I go....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!! I need to do a few cartwheels in my front yard to get the blood flowing and get some serious cleaning going here. ;)
When I do put my foot down and leave a mess for them to tackle.... all I hear is whining or complaining at how they always do that task. Hearing DH whine about doing the dishes once a week sounds more like I am torturing him or that I never wash the dishes. Believe me.... I wash dishes all the time. Lately, I have decided to leave that task for the end of the day because it is a waste of water to fill a sink with soapy water to wash one or two items. Same goes for the laundry. If there is not enough to do a full load.... I am not filling a washing machine for a few items. Call me frugal, but I just do not get the urgency to wash one thing over and over again throughout the day. Wiping down the bathroom sink is obviously beneath them, so I wait until everyone else is done and then I handle the task. Heck, even putting their dirty clothes in the hamper is beyond their abilities. Wherever they take it off is where it stays. Same goes for dropping crumbs or small spills. Zero effort to bend over and pick it up or wipe it up. For years I followed my family with a bucket of cleaning supplies, broom/dust pan, and garbage bag. I decided that efforts like that are a waste of energy and murder on my back. Nowadays, I wait until I am alone to get things done. It is actually a wonderful feeling to clean something... anything... and it stays clean for at least a few hours or so.
While DH is always away at work, I do manage to get some things done, but now since DD is back in school.... I get to go full swing on getting this house back in order. I am thrilled, but overwhelmed at the same time. I had 10 weeks of going at half speed. Half speed never got everything done that I wanted done. YIKES! Just looking at the list of my to-do list... I might finally catch up to the point where it is just maintaining the clean by the holidays and then I will get behind again when family comes to visit.
As I watched DD get on the bus this morning for her first day in junior high, I noticed that my day can start earlier, but it also ends earlier. DH out the door at 7am and DD out the door 20 minutes later.... I should be motivated to get this day going, but alas, I am still on summer hours and lacking motivation to do much before 9am. With DD coming home earlier.... instead of 3:30pm, she is home roughly 45 minutes earlier. With the earlier time frame to get things done.... I need to get this transition to go smoother. Oh heck, I need at least a week to get the hang of having the house to myself again. I guess that being a full time parent does have its perks... no matter how dismal it may sound.... My job is never done, I do not get vacation days and I sure as heck do not get sick days. With this darn cold or allergies that hit hard and fast this weekend.... I am lacking complete motivation to do anything today. Well, since I do not get sick time off and I procrastinated enough with blogging for today.... it is time to get a-move-on and tackle something today. Since my job never ends.... there will always be tomorrow to get more done.... and the next day and the next day and the next. This change from summer break to school being back in session sure is a tough one to tackle. If DD can do it, I certainly can. Ready or not.... here I go....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!! I need to do a few cartwheels in my front yard to get the blood flowing and get some serious cleaning going here. ;)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
If you dish it out, you better know how to take it....
Bickering , nitpicking, playful banter and sarcasm.... If you can dish it out, you should be able to take it when it comes back to you. I guess DH is one of those special cases. He dishes out like a champ. In fact, his talent is so honed... you cannot decipher if he is joking or not. I decided to take it as a joke because if he is really serious all the time... then it only shows that he is one ruthless person. I swear that emotional warfare is his medium and I am his canvas. But I digress.... I probably deserve a fair amount of it, but what manages to bother me is how when I give it back to him (all in joking, of course, since I am not a vicious person), he reacts like a scorned child with his silent treatment. Really? Big, tough guy that can hurt my feelings becoming so sensitive that he thinks that I am being mean? I was shocked at how I had to apologize for playful banter being taken the wrong way so I can stop him from pouting. While I should not feel remorse for his feelings being hurt because he hurts my feeling way more than I could ever hurt his. Heck, I was not even trying! In fact, the thought never crossed my mind that my little kidding around with him could even be that hurtful. Sheesh! Is it possible that I am truly vicious without thinking about it? Is it possible that my "taking it like a man" has made me vicious without conscious thought? Or is this just another play to make me feel like I am the bad guy all the time?
I am not a game player when it comes to emotions. I know all too well how mean it is to be the receiving end of being played. While I am capable to suppress negative feelings from the public eye, I am not perfect. There are times that I may slip up, but I try to explain myself properly and try to soften the impact of my emotional outbursts. The only place I choose to allow myself to release unwanted feelings is in the privacy of my own home... away from everyone, including my family. People really do not want to deal with crying, pouting, or irrational thought stemmed from anger. Even then, I am still not perfect with it. There are times I need to find a place to be alone and let loose. Albeit, my odds of physically hurting myself increases since there are times I seek out something to throw, kick or punch. I never do any of those actions on people.... just objects. I have kicked trees, kicked doors, punched walls, thrown rocks and thrown shoes. I always make sure that there is nobody around when I do that as well as nothing in throwing range can break. Even in an irrational state, I am aware of my surroundings. I even roll up the windows in my truck if I feel the need to scream while driving because I really do not want people to hear the anguish that needs release coming from inside me and out my lips. Game players play martyrs for instant attention. Vicious game players drag everyone around them with their deep-seeded negativity. You see, when people get others involved, it is their way of keeping the game going. That is just not a healthy existence in my book.
Negative emotions must have closure. Holding onto resentment is detrimental for a healthy existence. Grasping onto stuff like that manages to grow in strength over time. People need to scream, people need to cry and people need seek resolution. My way of seeking closure is to write about it... to share that I am not afraid to express myself, my thoughts, and share my "mental flossing" findings to understand better. Believe me, I have tried to talk it out with people that have wronged me, but learned rather quickly that if there is no desire to care about my feelings from the other person.... it only adds on more negativity that I really do not want in my life. If I can make closure with it this way, I function better in the long haul. By no means, is this a solution to a repetitive issue. It is a coping mechanism until I find a solution that is effective enough to be seriously considered by those that just do not care how I feel. Is my way the best way? I don't think it is for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have gotten this far, right? I just know that there are others that find a way that works for them. I just have always wondered how they found their way to handling irrational thought and emotion.
In closing.... I guess my message is if you decide to unload a negative tone (jokingly or not), you better be prepared to get the same in return. It is all about what you give out being returned. If you seek happiness, you have to give in order to receive. Same goes for respect, friendship and love. Expectations will fall short if all that you do is take. Eventually the people around you will stop giving if you never give back. I do my best to keep the negative at bay and offer only positive things to others because positive feelings are what I seek to have in my life. Even though I continue to get negative things thrown my way, I will always try to seek the positive. My recent experience is that in my house, I cannot play the banter game with anyone because as they are capable of dishing it out.... they have no ability to take it. It would have been nice to know this before I played along. It actually made me sad to see those I love be sad from my actions. Even if I thought I was just playing along.
I am not a game player when it comes to emotions. I know all too well how mean it is to be the receiving end of being played. While I am capable to suppress negative feelings from the public eye, I am not perfect. There are times that I may slip up, but I try to explain myself properly and try to soften the impact of my emotional outbursts. The only place I choose to allow myself to release unwanted feelings is in the privacy of my own home... away from everyone, including my family. People really do not want to deal with crying, pouting, or irrational thought stemmed from anger. Even then, I am still not perfect with it. There are times I need to find a place to be alone and let loose. Albeit, my odds of physically hurting myself increases since there are times I seek out something to throw, kick or punch. I never do any of those actions on people.... just objects. I have kicked trees, kicked doors, punched walls, thrown rocks and thrown shoes. I always make sure that there is nobody around when I do that as well as nothing in throwing range can break. Even in an irrational state, I am aware of my surroundings. I even roll up the windows in my truck if I feel the need to scream while driving because I really do not want people to hear the anguish that needs release coming from inside me and out my lips. Game players play martyrs for instant attention. Vicious game players drag everyone around them with their deep-seeded negativity. You see, when people get others involved, it is their way of keeping the game going. That is just not a healthy existence in my book.
Negative emotions must have closure. Holding onto resentment is detrimental for a healthy existence. Grasping onto stuff like that manages to grow in strength over time. People need to scream, people need to cry and people need seek resolution. My way of seeking closure is to write about it... to share that I am not afraid to express myself, my thoughts, and share my "mental flossing" findings to understand better. Believe me, I have tried to talk it out with people that have wronged me, but learned rather quickly that if there is no desire to care about my feelings from the other person.... it only adds on more negativity that I really do not want in my life. If I can make closure with it this way, I function better in the long haul. By no means, is this a solution to a repetitive issue. It is a coping mechanism until I find a solution that is effective enough to be seriously considered by those that just do not care how I feel. Is my way the best way? I don't think it is for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have gotten this far, right? I just know that there are others that find a way that works for them. I just have always wondered how they found their way to handling irrational thought and emotion.
In closing.... I guess my message is if you decide to unload a negative tone (jokingly or not), you better be prepared to get the same in return. It is all about what you give out being returned. If you seek happiness, you have to give in order to receive. Same goes for respect, friendship and love. Expectations will fall short if all that you do is take. Eventually the people around you will stop giving if you never give back. I do my best to keep the negative at bay and offer only positive things to others because positive feelings are what I seek to have in my life. Even though I continue to get negative things thrown my way, I will always try to seek the positive. My recent experience is that in my house, I cannot play the banter game with anyone because as they are capable of dishing it out.... they have no ability to take it. It would have been nice to know this before I played along. It actually made me sad to see those I love be sad from my actions. Even if I thought I was just playing along.
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